Off The Menu.

Source: Fromoldbooks.org

“Where’s the menu? Okay. So what’s good here?”

“Well, they have a big plate of festering pus with a tableside flambé presentation. It’s not on the menu but you can ask for it.”

“What?”

“That’s just a ridiculous question. I’m not even sure why you asked since I haven’t been here either and the server doesn’t know what you like.”

“I’m just asking for recommendations and trying to get some idea of what I might like. And making conversation. What’s so wrong with that?”

“Hey, did you know orange roughy used to considered a garbage fish by fishermen who called it ‘slimehead’?”

“Do you want to go to another restaurant? How about we just go home?”

“Well, we already did a lot of research before we picked this place because you’re so picky. You don’t like chains. You won’t go to any place that has more than two locations.”

“So I like to support local businesses.”

“The menu has to be really specific. Beef and chicken have to be free range, no veal, no pork if we can help it, and no shrimp.”

“Shrimp might kill me!”

“It would if you had an allergy. And the place can’t be too dark inside.”

“I like to see what I’m eating.”

“You want a window table, close to the front.”

“Everybody hates being stuck in the back next to the kitchen.”

“And that’s just when we go out. You’re just as picky at home. You want crunchy peanut butter blended with creamy because you want it crunchy but not too crunchy. You want ranch dressing on your sandwiches instead of mayonnaise but it has to be homemade and thick enough to spread and so it won’t make the sandwich too damp. And to prevent that you want a piece of lettuce, but only one piece, on both slices of bread, with the dressing on the inside. You want white bread but it has to be the artisanal kind, and it has to be sliced and lightly toasted.”

“Okay, okay, I get it. I’m sorry.”

“I just hope you appreciate the effort I go to.”

“I do, really.”

“I’m sorry I snapped like that. Let’s just order.”

“Okay. So what’s bad here?”

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6 Comments

  1. mydangblog

    I have to admit, this is kind of like taking me to a restaurant–I never mean to be picky, but I can’t eat gluten, and I’m allergic to a lot of things, especially shrimp, which WILL kill me! Sometimes it’s better to just eat at home:-)

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I really shouldn’t make fun of shrimp or even peanut allergies–I know these are quite serious and I know a couple of people who carry epi-pens with them whenever they dine out. In fact I know someone who started having a reaction because her steak was apparently cooked on the same grill as some shrimp, which is a scary thing. But really I think it’s okay to be picky. You like what you like.

      Reply
  2. ANN J KOPLOW

    I’ll have what they’re having. Thanks, Chris!
    ANN J KOPLOW recently posted…Day 3323: I’m big enough to have optionsMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I don’t remember what we had at the Elliston Place Soda Shop, but I’ll never forget how good the company was.

      Reply
      1. ANN J KOPLOW

        Same!
        ANN J KOPLOW recently posted…Day 3338: ChoresMy Profile

        Reply
        1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

          Reply

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