The scene: under a large red sign reading THE INFERNO a shadowy figure holds a telephone receiver…
-Hell-hello, is this Gabriel?
-Hi Gabe, it’s Bill from downstairs. How’s it going up there?
-I said it’s Bill. From downstairs.
-Zeebub.
-That’s right. Yes, it has been a long time. Listen, Gabe, the reason I’m calling is, well, you know how in the old days when we were still sorting out who went where and we talked about the possibility of a mixup? When you look at the numbers and now long we’ve been doing this it’s amazing we haven’t had any. I mean, just the law of averages…
-Well, Gabe, what I’m getting at is it looks like it finally happened. You know, somebody who got sent to the wrong place. See, there’s a guy who just arrived named Bob Newhart…
-Sure, I’ll give you a minute to check your list.
-Did you just say “I’ll be damned if I can find anything”?
-No, I won’t tell anyone you said that.
-Well, is there anyone up there you can ask?
-No, I’m not trying to get you in trouble. You know, I hate pulling door duty too. That’s why we’ve got to look out for each other.
-Well, listen, this guy may not be on your list, but I can’t figure out why he’s down here. He’s a family man, always lived a pretty clean life. I mean, yes, he was a comedian.
-What’s that? No, he’s Catholic.
-Yes, I know, you hear ‘comedian’ you automatically think they’re…
-Sure, Gabe, I know, you don’t discriminate. We don’t either.
-Yes, I remember you took Don Rickles when he arrived. We were grateful too, Gabe. We really didn’t want him either.
-No, I won’t tell anyone you laughed at that. You know, Gabe, it’s a funny thing, some people show up here and they’re surprised we’re not more restricted. I mean, you’d think they’d know we’ve got a pretty open door policy. And you and I can both say we’ve got people dying to get in.
-No, I won’t tell anyone you laughed at that.
-What’s that, Gabe?
-No, most of his act was pretty clean. He did these, well, these monologues, like one where he was a bus driving instructor and showing the new drivers how to close the door right in a passenger’s face.
-No, I won’t tell anyone you laughed at that.
-Well, he started out in radio, and then he worked nightclubs. He did pretty well, too. He even had a couple of his own TV shows.
-Television.
-Yes, that “new thing all the kids are talking about”.
-Well, in one he played a psychiatrist in Chicago and he mostly played straight man to a bunch of wacky characters, and in the other one he played an inn owner in Vermont and a writer and he mostly played straight man to a bunch of wacky characters. The second one ended…well, let’s just say you should really watch both.
-Did he what? Did he do anything else? Well, I’ve checked the records and before he started doing comedy he did some work in accounting.
-Oh, that’s it. Okay. That’s why he’s down here.
-Yes, Gabe, that does make sense. Thanks for helping me work this out.
-You bet, and, hey, Gabe, let’s not let it go so long this time. How about we do lunch one of these days?
-Bye for now, Gabe!
-What’s that?
-No, I won’t tell anyone we talked.
Hail and farewell Bob Newhart.
He was a class act. Always funny, never punched down. This is a wonderful and hilarious tribute that I’m sure he would have loved ????
mydangblog recently posted…Mydangblog and the Blustery Day
In his memoir Newhart talked about how he had a much darker sense of humor than most people realized. I think you’re right—he would have loved this and I’m sorry I didn’t share it with him.
Great tribute, Chris. I am grateful for his humor and yours.
In his memoir Newhart said people were often surprised by how really dark his sense of humor was because he seemed like such a normal guy. I wish I’d found a way to send this to him before his passing. I know he would have liked it, especially the line about Don Rickles.