Notes From The Journals Of Mother Goose
Who does Muffet think she’s fooling? She didn’t drag a mattress out to her garden just to sit on it and eat cottage cheese. Probably airing it out after all the use it’s gotten if you know what I mean. Boy is she gonna be surprised when she realizes what’s crawled into that thing.
Met a guy from Ives. What a character! He’s been married seven times. How’s that even legal? Every one of his wives had a bunch of bags filled with cats. People from Ives are so weird.
Don’t tease your pets. I’m gonna laugh so hard when old Hubbard’s dog bites the shit out of her.
Farm animals got loose again. Seriously where’s the kid with the horn? Probably suffocated under that haystack. I hope.
That black sheep is pumping out wool like crazy. It’s nice the owner’s got enough to give away bags of it to pretty much everybody but seriously anything that gets knitted from that wool is probably gonna be cursed.
Pease porridge? More like please take this porridge, hot or cold, and bury it. That mess has been there for over a week and even the rats won’t go near it.
Told Jack and Jill to be careful but did they listen? Noooo. What kind of asshole puts a well at the top of a hill anyway?
London Bridge has been shut down AGAIN. I say we stop paying for its upkeep, sell it to Arizona or something.
Sixpence is a pretty good price for a pie but, look, you just stuck a crust on top of a bunch of live birds and no one wants to eat that. Oh, wait, royalty. That explains it.
Went by a house built to look like a shoe. If that wasn’t weird enough the place was packed with kids. I guess we know who wears the pants in that family and it’s not the husband because he never has time to put ‘em on. People from Ives, man.
I get that a screaming baby can make anyone a little crazy but you stuck the cradle on a tree branch. What did you think would happen JILL?
Swear I saw a cow jump over the moon. Dog’s laughing, cat’s got a fiddle, and now all the dinnerware is running crazy. Tell me you didn’t feed me that pease porridge.
Always thought Mary’s garden was a little eccentric but nice. The cockle shells added minerals or something and the silver bells were pretty when the wind blew. But who’d have guessed she murdered three milkmaids and buried them in a row? No surprise she’s from Ives.
I’m laughing my head off and super happy that I don’t live anywhere near Ives!
The funny thing is I went and looked up Ives and found there are two. There’s the well-known one in Cornwall and then there’s another one in Cambridgeshire. I talked to a British friend who told me he used to live near the one in Cambridgeshire and people there assumed the Mother Goose rhyme was about the one in Cornwall.
This is pure comedy gold! You should seriously read this at an open mic night and turn it into a stand-up comedy act!
Thomas Slatin recently posted…The Muses Companion – November 14, 2024
I smile so much every time I read this comment it’s made my cheeks ache. Turning this into a stand-up comedy act is a wonderful idea.
So funny, Chris! I love this so much and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who filters her initial creative thoughts.
I’m glad you’re not filtering yourself here, Ann. At least I hope this is unfiltered.