Author Archive: Christopher Waldrop

Thanks a Lot!

August 21, 1998

I’d just like to take this opportunity to thank the people who don’t receive the direct weekly mailings, but who drop in to read the page and occasionally make comments. All three of you have really made me feel that taking ten minutes out of my week is worth it. Thanks especially to the guy who said, "Man, that was hilarious! That thing after the ‘Forwarded Message Follows’ was just great! Oh yeah, about that crap at the beginning–something about your uncle or telephones or something. What’s up with that?" Those sort of sparkling comments really help to brighten up already bright days. I would, however, really like to thank the reader out there who gave me some real information about the candiru, the Amazonian fish that…well, you know. It seems that the fish really does exist, and, although I overlooked this at the time, the warning is against urinating in the Amazon WHILE SWIMMING. I was confused because, around several rivers, including the Amazon, there are local legends about fish that can swim up a trail of urine while a man is standing on the bank of the river demonstrating his abilities as a fireman. As you can imagine, these stories are always told by people who live downstream. For more information about the candiru, as well as a bibliography, see the following:

And enjoy this week’s offerings. Man, are they hilarious!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone."

The man below says "You must be in upper management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…

Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…

Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…

Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…

Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…

Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…

Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…

I’ve Lived All My Life In This Weird Wonderland

August 14, 1998

"I keep buying products I don’t understand. ‘Cause they promise me miracles, magic, and hope, But somehow it always turns out to be soap!" -Allen Sherman

Where would we be without commercials? I’m so grateful to commercials for finally having shown me the real way to live my life. Apparently I’ve been doing things wrong all along. Here are a few changes I’ll be making in my lifestyle, thanks to commercials:

  • Whenever I take the dog out, I’ll go in my underwear, and I’ll make sure to take along a clean pair to wave in front of the dog’s face.

  • Eating a particular brand of chips will always be accompanied by a well-choreographed but spontaneous dance routine involving every person within a six-mile radius, except for the one guy who’s eating some other brand of chips.

  • I’ll sit around and eat other brands of chips as though it’s the greatest thing in the world. Eating chips with friends will take the place of any conversation.

  • I’ll remember that some products are more important than petty things like family members or close friends.

  • Anytime I ask for anything, I’ll ask for its full brand name, and be sure to mention the name of the company that makes it, but forget to say "Please" or "Thank you". Finally, if I should happen to win the lottery, I’ll remember that wealth pales in comparison to the joy of a greasy taco made from mass-produced parts and low-grade beef, and slapped together by a kid who can barely afford to go to a state college.

Enjoy this week’s offerings–with no money down and no obligation!

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don’t have?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? (I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work)

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?


"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler’s Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway’s Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can’t fall off the floor.

"Heller’s Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne’s Law"
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

"Main’s Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg’s Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit ’em.

What Do You Mean It Was Brimming?

August 7, 1998

I just got a new word processing program and put it to the ultimate test. I’d like to share the results–with apologies to Lewis Carrol.

‘Twas brimming and the stilly totes
Did gyrate and gamble in the wage,
All misty were the boroughs,
And the mom rates outgeneral.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jujube bird and shun
The furious bandstand!"

He took his vortex sword in hand,
Long time the Manxmen foe he sought–
So rested he by the tumble tree,
And stood a while in thought.

And as in offish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock with eyes of flame
Came whiffing through the bulgy wood
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One,two! And through and through
The vortex blade went snicker snack!
He left it dead and with its head
He went gallumphing back.*

"And hats thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms my bearish boy!
Oh fractious day! Callow! Chalet!"
He chortled in his joy.

‘Twas brimming and the stilly totes
Did gyrate and gamble in the wage,
All misty were the boroughs,
And the mom rates outgeneral.

*This was the one stanza that had no problems. Go figure. This year marks one-hundred years since Charles Dodgson retired from life. He’d be happy to know that he’s still causing confusion.

Before I share this week’s offering with you, I would like to share something more serious. This is not a joke. In fact, it’s a story we hear all too often. On July 19th, 1998, a little girl was abducted. Please visit the website listed below, and pass this information on. Someone out there must know something. The rest of us should do what we can. Thank you.

Question of the Day:

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


On an Electrician’s truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

English Sign in German Cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating."

On a Scientist’s door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist’s window: "We really know our stuff."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."

On a Music Teacher’s door: "Out Chopin."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."

At a farmer’s field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

In a Podiatrist’s window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher’s window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher’s window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

Name of another Beauty Shop: "Hair We Are!"

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

In a Restaurant window: "Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

I’ll Wait For the Movie

July 31, 1998

I had planned to share an amusing story involving construction workers and tobacco spit this week, but instead I decided I’d take things up a notch or two. A few places have been putting out lists of the 100 Best Books of the Century We Published, and of course there’s been a lot of debate about the Great Books, the books we’re told we must read in order to be successful people, despite the fact that very few CEOs who make more money in an hour than some of us do in a year could tell you who wrote "The Prince". Maybe they’re on to something, though. Some of the Great Books really are great–they’re entertaining, and they generally make good movies. But then there are the others. Take for example Sophocles’ "Ajax". Sophocles is basically an ancient version of Kenneth Branagh–he wrote, directed, and sometimes played a big role in his own productions, which were based on the ideas of someone who died a few hundred years before him. He wrote 120 plays, of which only 7 have survived. Now, because so few have survived, some stuffy professors who spend too much time in their offices inhaling book mold have decided to tell the rest of us that we have to read ALL the plays to be "culturally literate". So that brings us back around to "Ajax", which is about a guy who, in a stupor, thinks that he has killed all his enemies, but really killed a bunch of sheep. Then the play starts. He wakes up, realizes what he’s done, and spends the entire play telling everyone (a few real characters and fifteen naked guys who are "the chorus", and obviously not the Mormon Tabernacle variety) that he’s going to kill himself. Then he does, and everyone gathers around and argues about how to bury him. And we need to read this so we can understand who our floor cleaner is named after. Though future societies may wonder what we saw in, for instance, Woody Allen, at least we can say he didn’t dance around naked.

Enjoy this week’s <ahem> culturally enlightening offering.

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district’s ebonics translation competition.

Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)

First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys
Dummies – playboy bunnies, those wantin’ money
Those the ones I like ’cause they don’t get nathan’
But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation
Garbage, I turn like doorknobs
Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever
However, I stay coochied down to the socks
Rings and watch filled with rocks

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi
Girls pee pee when they see me,
Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee
As I lay down laws like I lay carpet
Stop it – if you think your gonna make a profit

I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Don’t see my ones, don’t see my guns – get it
Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it
In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia
I don’t know what the hell’s stoppin’ ya
I’m clockin’ ya – Versace shades watchin’ ya
Once ya grin, I’m in game, begin

Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I’m having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

First I talk about how I dress and this
And diamond necklaces – stretch Lexuses
The sex is just immaculate from the back I get
Deeper and deeper – help ya reach the
Climax that your man can’t make
Call and tell him you’ll be home real late
Let’s sing the break

I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn’t be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won’t be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

She’s sick of that song on how it’s so long
Thought he worked his until I handled my biz
There I is – major pain like Damon Wayans
Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan
Schemin’ – don’t bring your girl ’round me
True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed: violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

You – ringin’ bells with bags from Chanel
Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel
Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell
She beeped me, meet me at twelve

Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Where you at? Flippin’ jobs, playin’ car notes?
While I’m swimmin’ in ya women like the breast stroke
Right stroke, left stroke what’s the best stroke
Death stroke – tongue all down her throat
Nuthin’ left to do but send her home to you
I’m through – can ya sing the song for me, boo?

You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.

So, what’s it gonna be? Him or me?
We can cruise the world with pearls
Gator boots for girls
The envy of all women, crushed linen
Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in ’em
The finest women I love with a passion
Ya man’s a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin’

The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

High fashion – flyin’ into all states.
Sexin’ me while your man masturbates.
Isn’t this great? Your flight leaves at eight.
Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.
Lyrically I’m supposed to represent.
I’m not only the client, I’m the player president

You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I’ll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o’clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o’clock. I’ll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

And your mother’s monosodium glutamate!

July 24, 1998

The other day I heard one kid say to another, "Leave me alone, corn starch!" I’ve heard some really clever insults in my time, as well as some unbelievably stupid ones. In middle school, I once told a kid he was a fountain of verbal eloquence. He turned around and said, "So’s your momma!" I can’t tell you how happy my mother was to hear that. Anyway, "corn starch" has to rank as one of the best insults I’ve ever heard in my life, despite the fact that it doesn’t have that special kick you only get by referring to bodily functions (and I think we can all think of examples). Just consider what calling someone "corn starch" is saying about that person: they’re powdery, tasteless, and not good for anything but thickening soups and gravy!" And the real advantage of it is that, like the cloud of ink the octopus uses to escape from its dimwitted predators, calling a bully "corn starch" will make him stop long enough to make an easy escape. Sure, eventually bullies will catch on that it’s an insult, but by that time you’ll be gone like mouthwash.

Lesser Primate Committee Thinking

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Turn off the cold water.

If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that’s the way it’s always been around here." Sound familiar?

Excuse me, pardon me…

July 17, 1998

Recently there’s been a lot of paranoia about the possibility of a giant meteor, comet, runaway moon, or other badly thrown piece of cosmic sports equipment hitting the Earth and destroying all life except for viruses, cockroaches, and certain rock stars. Now NASA astronomers have issued a possible solution. This is apparently in response to several understandable public concerns that the hundreds of telescopes around the world and the Hubble space telescope will all be turned the other way when a meteor the size of an African country suddenly changes its course and heads for us, leaving barely enough time to crowd the entire population into a mineshaft which will be flattened when the meteor lands directly on it. NASA’s solution? Push it out of the way. Really. It would take less effort, and would preserve the meteor for study. But do we really want to preserve what’s basically an interplanetary bully–especially when it might come back? No, I think the popular solution of hurling a bunch of overrated movie stars at threatening objects is the best. If that doesn’t work, well, maybe we can cut a deal with the coackroaches.

A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you……………mess it up.

Better be safe than………………………punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ……………………………..bug is close.

It’s always darkest before……………..daylight savings time.

You can lead a horse to water but……………………….how?

Don’t bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty.

A miss is as good as a………………………………….Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new…………………………math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the…………………………..pigs.

An idle mind is……………………….the best way to relax.

Where there’s smoke, there’s………………………pollution.

Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents.

A penny saved is………………………………….not much.

Two’s company, three’s……………………….the musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded.

When the blind leadeth the blind…………..get out of the way.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.

You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.

If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed. (Can anyone really confirm this to be fact?-CW)

When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.

The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.

Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals.

Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.

In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.

Eau de Fluoride

July 10, 1998

So there I was in one of my all-too-frequent stays in the dentist’s chair, waiting for my teeth to be attacked by a huge metal scraper that would make Captain Hook feel insecure, and trying to ignore the rusty drill on the table next to me and what sounded like an orthodontal version of the Spanish Inquisition in the next room ("You haven’t been flossing! Confess! CONFESS!"). To prevent myself from trying to make a desperate escape, I looked at the wall and saw this helpful summer hint: "Mint toothpaste is just as good as air conditioning!" It’s 100 degrees Farenheit outside (that’s 38 degrees to those of you who think in Celsius), and not much better inside, but just get naked and smear yourself with toothpaste. Sure, it sounds crazy, but it really works! As I discovered, though, it’s a good idea to wait until you get home.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Political Correct Terms

  • Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.

  • Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.

  • Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.

  • Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

  • Lazy: Motivationally deficient.

  • Fat: Horizontally challenged.

  • Fail: Acheive a deficiency.

  • Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.

  • Bald: Follicularly challenged.

  • Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.

  • Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.

  • Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.

  • Worst: Least best.

  • Wrong: Differently logical.

  • Ugly: Cosmetically different.

  • Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.

  • Short: Vertically challanged.

  • Dead: Living impaired.

  • Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

  • Spendthrift: Negative saver.

  • Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.

  • Pregnant: Parasitically opressed.

  • Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor.

Things NOT to Say to a Police Officer

  • Hey, you must’ve been doin’ at least 125mph to keep up with me!

  • Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

  • I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

  • Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

  • You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

  • "Bad Cop! No Donut!"

  • I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that’s how far I am behind the other cars.

  • You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

  • "Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

  • Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

  • I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

  • So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

  • Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

  • Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

  • So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?

  • Red light?!? Come on, that was pink!

  • Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

  • When you smack me around, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.

Inspired by a story based on…

July 3, 1998

Is it just me or are there fewer TV movies these days that are "based on a true story"? For a while there, whatever the social concern du jour was, there would be at least one TV movie "based on a true story" to make us feel better about it. That meant, of course, that the people suffering the crisis were nicer than real people, better looking than anyone who has not been through unnecessary surgery, and lived perfect lives up until the big ugly whatever disrupted everything, with dramatic developments right before the commercials, before finally the whole thing resolved itself with the family, child, or individual smiling as they took the witness stand in a court case that would mean the final triumph of good over evil. That was "based on". Then, apparently because of a shortage of true stories (due to all the evil being defeated in court cases in midwestern states across the country) there were several movies "inspired by actual events." That meant that the real endings weren’t happy, but we could be "inspired" by a slight exaggeration (plus they could use the courtroom set again). Then there was "taken from real events." Not necessarily taken from the same people, but you can bet someone ended up in court somewhere along the line. And they must have smiled while in there too. Well, let me reassure you that everything you read in Freethinker’s Anonymous is not inspired by, based on, or taken from real events.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

  1. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

  2. Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!

  3. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

  4. I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

  5. I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

  6. Keep honking while I reload.

  7. Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

  8. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

  9. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.

  10. Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.

  11. If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

  12. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

  13. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

  14. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

  15. Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

  16. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her …or something like that.

  17. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

  18. If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.

  19. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Norm Peterson’s Famous Quotes (from TV’s "Cheers")

"Can I draw you a beer Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How’s a beer sound Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What’s shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What’s new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer."

"What’ll it be Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I’ll have a froth of beer & a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What’d you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What’ll you have Normie?"
"Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."

"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What’d you say Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring Norm?"
"That’s funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink."

"Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I’d like a dead cat in a glass."

"How’s life treating you?"
"It’s not, Sammy, but you can."

"What’s the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I’m not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What’s going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What’s going on Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"What cha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How’s it going Mr. Peterson?"
"I’m sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How’s life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can’t live with ’em….pass the beer nuts."

"What’s going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one….make that one-thirty."

"How’s it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody & I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What’s the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How’s about a beer, Norm?"
"That’s that amber sudsy stuff, right? I’ve heard good things about it!"

"What’s going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn’t it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

Don’t call me…

June 26, 1998

What I’m about to say is shocking, awful, and crude, but I feel it has to be said anyway. Call me anything you like, but I’m going to say it. Call me vain. Call me cruel. Call me naive. Call me self-centered. Call me shallow. Call me superficial. Call me lofty. Call me weak. Call me narrow. Call me maligned. Call me tuberous. Call me blighted. Call me abrogated. Call me purple. Call me Ishmael. Call me in the morning. Call my dog. Now…as soon as I remember what it was I was going to say, I’ll give you a call.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Some people are born losers! Check these out:

1. Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned.

2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

3. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

4. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

5. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he has merely been listening to his walkman.

6. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the last & best…….

7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on his letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You’ve guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.


ALL NEW — The software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN — Upper management doesn’t understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH — It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW — It comes in different colors from the previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY — It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
EXCLUSIVE — We’re the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED — Manufacturing doesn’t have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION — All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC — It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY — All the directories compare.
IT’S HERE AT LAST — We’ve released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE — It’s impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS — It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN — It works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY — The disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED — We’ll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM — We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
UNMATCHED — It’s almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE — Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT — We finally got one to work.

School’s out for summer!

June 19, 1998

Every year when school ends, I like to remember the caring, influential, and wonderful teachers I had growing up. Both of them. This year, though, I decided to remember some of the others. I figure that if the caring and influential people are really that great, they won’t mind sharing a little of the spotlight with the mindless clones and do-nothings. Though she falls in with them, I have to say that Mrs. Trowbridge had a profound influence on my life, as well as the lives of many other children. That is, before she was forced into retirement, became a bitter recluse, and spent her days on her porch threatening real estate agents with a shotgun. The last day of school, she gathered all of us around her and said, "Children, I want you to promise me that you’ll never do three things: smoke, drink, or gamble." This was in those innocent days of the seventies when only rock stars overdosed, and there was no reason to believe drugs were a problem. No one said anything, which is probably just as well–if we had, some of us might feel bad once in a while. I’d kind of like to go and visit her, and say, "Mrs. Ridgemore, I have never gambled much," and then go on to tell her about the profound impact she had on my life. How she prepared me for those years in college when I worked on assembly lines, how I think of her every time I see a wooden paddle with holes in it, and the way her spirit seems to be in the room every time I hear someone say, "It’s that way because I say so!" The bruises are gone, but thanks to modern psychology, memories like those will be with me always.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
— Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
— Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
— Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school."
— Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
— George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
— Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
— Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That’s why nobody goes to see the game anymore."
— Yogi Berra

"I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
— Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
— Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

Top fifty-one Oxymorons

51. Friendly Fire
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then …"
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXY-Moron,
1. Microsoft Works