Author Archive: Christopher Waldrop

July 31, 1998

I had planned to share an amusing story involving construction workers and tobacco spit this week, but instead I decided I’d take things up a notch or two. A few places have been putting out lists of the 100 Best Books of the Century We Published, and of course there’s been a lot of debate about the Great Books, the books we’re told we must read in order to be successful people, despite the fact that very few CEOs who make more money in an hour than some of us do in a year could tell you who wrote "The Prince". Maybe they’re on to something, though. Some of the Great Books really are great–they’re entertaining, and they generally make good movies. But then there are the others. Take for example Sophocles’ "Ajax". Sophocles is basically an ancient version of Kenneth Branagh–he wrote, directed, and sometimes played a big role in his own productions, which were based on the ideas of someone who died a few hundred years before him. He wrote 120 plays, of which only 7 have survived. Now, because so few have survived, some stuffy professors who spend too much time in their offices inhaling book mold have decided to tell the rest of us that we have to read ALL the plays to be "culturally literate". So that brings us back around to "Ajax", which is about a guy who, in a stupor, thinks that he has killed all his enemies, but really killed a bunch of sheep. Then the play starts. He wakes up, realizes what he’s done, and spends the entire play telling everyone (a few real characters and fifteen naked guys who are "the chorus", and obviously not the Mormon Tabernacle variety) that he’s going to kill himself. Then he does, and everyone gathers around and argues about how to bury him. And we need to read this so we can understand who our floor cleaner is named after. Though future societies may wonder what we saw in, for instance, Woody Allen, at least we can say he didn’t dance around naked.

Enjoy this week’s <ahem> culturally enlightening offering.

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district’s ebonics translation competition.

Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)

Lyrics:
First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys
Dummies – playboy bunnies, those wantin’ money
Those the ones I like ’cause they don’t get nathan’
But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation
Garbage, I turn like doorknobs
Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever
However, I stay coochied down to the socks
Rings and watch filled with rocks

Translation:
As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

Lyrics:
And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi
Girls pee pee when they see me,
Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee
As I lay down laws like I lay carpet
Stop it – if you think your gonna make a profit

Translation:
I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:
Don’t see my ones, don’t see my guns – get it
Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it
In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia
I don’t know what the hell’s stoppin’ ya
I’m clockin’ ya – Versace shades watchin’ ya
Once ya grin, I’m in game, begin

Translation:
Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I’m having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

Lyrics:
First I talk about how I dress and this
And diamond necklaces – stretch Lexuses
The sex is just immaculate from the back I get
Deeper and deeper – help ya reach the
Climax that your man can’t make
Call and tell him you’ll be home real late
Let’s sing the break

Translation:
I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn’t be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won’t be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

Lyrics:
She’s sick of that song on how it’s so long
Thought he worked his until I handled my biz
There I is – major pain like Damon Wayans
Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan
Schemin’ – don’t bring your girl ’round me
True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

Translation:
Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed: violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:
You – ringin’ bells with bags from Chanel
Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel
Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell
She beeped me, meet me at twelve

Translation:
Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Lyrics:
Where you at? Flippin’ jobs, playin’ car notes?
While I’m swimmin’ in ya women like the breast stroke
Right stroke, left stroke what’s the best stroke
Death stroke – tongue all down her throat
Nuthin’ left to do but send her home to you
I’m through – can ya sing the song for me, boo?

Translation:
You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.

Lyrics:
So, what’s it gonna be? Him or me?
We can cruise the world with pearls
Gator boots for girls
The envy of all women, crushed linen
Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in ’em
The finest women I love with a passion
Ya man’s a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin’

Translation:
The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:
High fashion – flyin’ into all states.
Sexin’ me while your man masturbates.
Isn’t this great? Your flight leaves at eight.
Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.
Lyrically I’m supposed to represent.
I’m not only the client, I’m the player president

Translation:
You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I’ll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o’clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o’clock. I’ll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

July 24, 1998

The other day I heard one kid say to another, "Leave me alone, corn starch!" I’ve heard some really clever insults in my time, as well as some unbelievably stupid ones. In middle school, I once told a kid he was a fountain of verbal eloquence. He turned around and said, "So’s your momma!" I can’t tell you how happy my mother was to hear that. Anyway, "corn starch" has to rank as one of the best insults I’ve ever heard in my life, despite the fact that it doesn’t have that special kick you only get by referring to bodily functions (and I think we can all think of examples). Just consider what calling someone "corn starch" is saying about that person: they’re powdery, tasteless, and not good for anything but thickening soups and gravy!" And the real advantage of it is that, like the cloud of ink the octopus uses to escape from its dimwitted predators, calling a bully "corn starch" will make him stop long enough to make an easy escape. Sure, eventually bullies will catch on that it’s an insult, but by that time you’ll be gone like mouthwash.

Lesser Primate Committee Thinking

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Turn off the cold water.

If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that’s the way it’s always been around here." Sound familiar?

July 17, 1998

Recently there’s been a lot of paranoia about the possibility of a giant meteor, comet, runaway moon, or other badly thrown piece of cosmic sports equipment hitting the Earth and destroying all life except for viruses, cockroaches, and certain rock stars. Now NASA astronomers have issued a possible solution. This is apparently in response to several understandable public concerns that the hundreds of telescopes around the world and the Hubble space telescope will all be turned the other way when a meteor the size of an African country suddenly changes its course and heads for us, leaving barely enough time to crowd the entire population into a mineshaft which will be flattened when the meteor lands directly on it. NASA’s solution? Push it out of the way. Really. It would take less effort, and would preserve the meteor for study. But do we really want to preserve what’s basically an interplanetary bully–especially when it might come back? No, I think the popular solution of hurling a bunch of overrated movie stars at threatening objects is the best. If that doesn’t work, well, maybe we can cut a deal with the coackroaches.

A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you……………mess it up.

Better be safe than………………………punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ……………………………..bug is close.

It’s always darkest before……………..daylight savings time.

You can lead a horse to water but……………………….how?

Don’t bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty.

A miss is as good as a………………………………….Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new…………………………math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the…………………………..pigs.

An idle mind is……………………….the best way to relax.

Where there’s smoke, there’s………………………pollution.

Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents.

A penny saved is………………………………….not much.

Two’s company, three’s……………………….the musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded.

When the blind leadeth the blind…………..get out of the way.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.

You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.

If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed. (Can anyone really confirm this to be fact?-CW)

When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.

The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.

Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals.

Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.

In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.

July 10, 1998

So there I was in one of my all-too-frequent stays in the dentist’s chair, waiting for my teeth to be attacked by a huge metal scraper that would make Captain Hook feel insecure, and trying to ignore the rusty drill on the table next to me and what sounded like an orthodontal version of the Spanish Inquisition in the next room ("You haven’t been flossing! Confess! CONFESS!"). To prevent myself from trying to make a desperate escape, I looked at the wall and saw this helpful summer hint: "Mint toothpaste is just as good as air conditioning!" It’s 100 degrees Farenheit outside (that’s 38 degrees to those of you who think in Celsius), and not much better inside, but just get naked and smear yourself with toothpaste. Sure, it sounds crazy, but it really works! As I discovered, though, it’s a good idea to wait until you get home.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Political Correct Terms

• Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.

• Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.

• Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.

• Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

• Lazy: Motivationally deficient.

• Fat: Horizontally challenged.

• Fail: Acheive a deficiency.

• Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.

• Bald: Follicularly challenged.

• Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.

• Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.

• Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.

• Worst: Least best.

• Wrong: Differently logical.

• Ugly: Cosmetically different.

• Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.

• Short: Vertically challanged.

• Dead: Living impaired.

• Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

• Spendthrift: Negative saver.

• Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.

• Pregnant: Parasitically opressed.

• Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor.

Things NOT to Say to a Police Officer

• Hey, you must’ve been doin’ at least 125mph to keep up with me!

• Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

• Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

• You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

• "Bad Cop! No Donut!"

• I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that’s how far I am behind the other cars.

• You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

• "Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

• Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

• I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

• So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

• Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

• Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

• So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?

• Red light?!? Come on, that was pink!

• Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

• When you smack me around, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.

July 3, 1998

Is it just me or are there fewer TV movies these days that are "based on a true story"? For a while there, whatever the social concern du jour was, there would be at least one TV movie "based on a true story" to make us feel better about it. That meant, of course, that the people suffering the crisis were nicer than real people, better looking than anyone who has not been through unnecessary surgery, and lived perfect lives up until the big ugly whatever disrupted everything, with dramatic developments right before the commercials, before finally the whole thing resolved itself with the family, child, or individual smiling as they took the witness stand in a court case that would mean the final triumph of good over evil. That was "based on". Then, apparently because of a shortage of true stories (due to all the evil being defeated in court cases in midwestern states across the country) there were several movies "inspired by actual events." That meant that the real endings weren’t happy, but we could be "inspired" by a slight exaggeration (plus they could use the courtroom set again). Then there was "taken from real events." Not necessarily taken from the same people, but you can bet someone ended up in court somewhere along the line. And they must have smiled while in there too. Well, let me reassure you that everything you read in Freethinker’s Anonymous is not inspired by, based on, or taken from real events.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

1. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

2. Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!

3. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

4. I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

5. I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

6. Keep honking while I reload.

7. Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

8. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

9. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.

10. Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.

11. If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

12. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

13. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

14. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

15. Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

16. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her …or something like that.

17. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

18. If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.

19. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Norm Peterson’s Famous Quotes (from TV’s "Cheers")

"Can I draw you a beer Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How’s a beer sound Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What’s shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What’s new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer."

"What’ll it be Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I’ll have a froth of beer & a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What’d you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What’ll you have Normie?"
"Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."

"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What’d you say Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring Norm?"
"That’s funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink."

"Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I’d like a dead cat in a glass."

"How’s life treating you?"
"It’s not, Sammy, but you can."

"What’s the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I’m not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What’s going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What’s going on Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"What cha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How’s it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I’m sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How’s life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can’t live with ’em….pass the beer nuts."

"What’s going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one….make that one-thirty."

"How’s it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody & I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What’s the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How’s about a beer, Norm?"
"That’s that amber sudsy stuff, right? I’ve heard good things about it!"

"What’s going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn’t it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

June 26, 1998

What I’m about to say is shocking, awful, and crude, but I feel it has to be said anyway. Call me anything you like, but I’m going to say it. Call me vain. Call me cruel. Call me naive. Call me self-centered. Call me shallow. Call me superficial. Call me lofty. Call me weak. Call me narrow. Call me maligned. Call me tuberous. Call me blighted. Call me abrogated. Call me purple. Call me Ishmael. Call me in the morning. Call my dog. Now…as soon as I remember what it was I was going to say, I’ll give you a call.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Some people are born losers! Check these out:

1. Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned.

2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

3. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

4. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

5. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he has merely been listening to his walkman.

6. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the last & best…….

7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on his letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You’ve guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY
or
DEFINING COMPUTER TERMS FROM A "MARKETING" POINT OF VIEW

ALL NEW — The software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN — Upper management doesn’t understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH — It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW — It comes in different colors from the previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY — It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
EXCLUSIVE — We’re the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED — Manufacturing doesn’t have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION — All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC — It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY — All the directories compare.
IT’S HERE AT LAST — We’ve released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE — It’s impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS — It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN — It works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY — The disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED — We’ll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM — We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
UNMATCHED — It’s almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE — Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT — We finally got one to work.

June 19, 1998

Every year when school ends, I like to remember the caring, influential, and wonderful teachers I had growing up. Both of them. This year, though, I decided to remember some of the others. I figure that if the caring and influential people are really that great, they won’t mind sharing a little of the spotlight with the mindless clones and do-nothings. Though she falls in with them, I have to say that Mrs. Trowbridge had a profound influence on my life, as well as the lives of many other children. That is, before she was forced into retirement, became a bitter recluse, and spent her days on her porch threatening real estate agents with a shotgun. The last day of school, she gathered all of us around her and said, "Children, I want you to promise me that you’ll never do three things: smoke, drink, or gamble." This was in those innocent days of the seventies when only rock stars overdosed, and there was no reason to believe drugs were a problem. No one said anything, which is probably just as well–if we had, some of us might feel bad once in a while. I’d kind of like to go and visit her, and say, "Mrs. Ridgemore, I have never gambled much," and then go on to tell her about the profound impact she had on my life. How she prepared me for those years in college when I worked on assembly lines, how I think of her every time I see a wooden paddle with holes in it, and the way her spirit seems to be in the room every time I hear someone say, "It’s that way because I say so!" The bruises are gone, but thanks to modern psychology, memories like those will be with me always.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

WHY "SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP" IS AN OXYMORON

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
— Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
— Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
— Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school."
— Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
— George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
— Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
— Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That’s why nobody goes to see the game anymore."
— Yogi Berra

"I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
— Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
— Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

Top fifty-one Oxymorons

51. Friendly Fire
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then …"
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXY-Moron,
1. Microsoft Works

June 12, 1998

Every once in a while I have to send a fax, and there’s one company out there that doesn’t seem yet to have grasped the fax concept. Now I don’t know whether it’s because they’re trying to keep their phone bills down (those 20-second transmissions really add up), whether it’s because they’re French, or whether it’s because they’re technologically illiterate (which pretty much goes along with being French). But every time I send them a fax, I wait for two or three months, and then a letter–a letter sent through regular mail!–shows up with what is probably an answer but looks more like one of the guys in shipping couldn’t find anything else for his two-year old to draw on. Now, this shouldn’t bother me. It is, after all, only work, but my neurotic need to at least look busy begins to take control of me. If I have to hold anything for more than a month, I start having visions of being suffocated in my office by piles of bad French paperbacks that were dragged along behind the boat that brought them over, and now smell like they’ve been sneezed on.

Finally, the day came. The company got e-mail. I got to try it immediately. And waited. And waited. Two months after I’d sent the e-mail, a letter arrived. They’d printed my e-mail, and Georges Jr. stopped inhaling from the marker he was holding long enough to scrawl, "Oui" across the bottom of it. I can’t add anything to that, so here’s a bit of history: on this day, June 11th, in 1929, the United States banned "Lady Chatterly’s Lover." Well, at least there is some progress.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

3. I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted.

4. Did ancient Roman doctors refer to IV’s as fours?

5. Now I know why they call them trial lawyers. I tried one and I didn’t like him.

6. Why get even when you can get odd?

7. They say if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat down your door. But usually it’s just one neighbor, and he’ll probably quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.

8. Want to trace your family tree? Run for public office or win the sweepstakes.

9. A fool and his money are soon partying.

10. How come you never hear about GRUNTLED employees?

11. I went to a strip mall the other day. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.

12. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

13. There are two kinds of jokes-the ones people laugh at, and the ones where people say, "That’s funny."

14. You say "tomato," I say "tomato.com."

15. The reason that men pay for dates is because women have to pay for the wedding.

16. I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t even know I’m alive. She thinks she got me with her long-range rifle.

17. Just because it’s toxic doesn’t mean it’s not tasty.

18. Why isn’t there an explosion when you pour gasoline on fire ants?

19. Never let your willpower get the best of you.

20. I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard until I realized I was strangling an ostrich.

21. There are three types of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

This year’s Bulwer-Lytton Prize winner

The Edward Bulwer-Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.

Some recent winners:

"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."

"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep . . . Andre creep . . .Andre creep."

"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store."

"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death–in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER (proof of the progress I was talking about-C.):

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

June 5, 1998

Years ago a comedian named Lenny Bruce said that the hippest disease you could possibly have was pellagara. Now, I hate to disagree with someone who used enough heroin to shore up the Asian economy for several decades, but I looked up pellagara, and, frankly, it doesn’t sound all that great. Pellagara’s main symptoms are dermatitis and brain dysfunction, and it was very common in the South during the Depression. Hmm–something that makes you ugly, stupid, and was common in the South. It sounds like pellagara has been replaced by country line dancing. Anyway, while I was looking that up, I decided I’d see what really were the cool diseases. Here’s what I found: First, there’s beri-beri, which has the advantage of sounding like a really hot all-girl rock band. Then there’s rickets which doesn’t sound great, but makes your legs bend so you could be a limbo champion. Finally, the greatest disease of all: scurvy. Scurvy not only has a funny sounding name, but you get to put on really wild clothes, stick a parrot on your shoulder, and walk around with an eyepatch on saying, "Har, ar, me matey." Now if that isn’t cool, I don’t know what is! And I have a feeling you’re thinking the same thing right now.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
— Bob Ettinger

I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
— Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
— Elayne Boosler

I’m half-Italian and half-Polish. So I’m always putting a hit out on myself.
— Judy Tenuta

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
— John Mendoza

I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
— Bruce Baum

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
— Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
— Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
— Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
— Jerry Seinfeld

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
— Ellen DeGeneres

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
— David Letterman

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too."
— Jake Johansen

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
— Lily Tomlin

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here."
— Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.
— Lynda Montgomery

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
— Paul Rodriguez

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, A Truck!
— Emo Phillips

DOG PROVERBS

"The dog’s kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
— Danish Proverb

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx.

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
— Robert Benchley

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
— Jack Handy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves."
— August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
— Fran Lebowitz

"Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant."
— Unknown

"Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
— Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
— Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
–Edward Abbey

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
— Christopher Morley

"I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
— John Steinbeck

May 29, 1998

The office where I work, like most others, has a kitchen, and contains pretty standard equipment: a microwave that is so old we all have to wear lead shielding anytime it’s turned on, a refrigerator that has smelled strange since 1986, and the only new item in the entire place: an institutional grade water heater guaranteed to brew coffee in an instant, sterilize surgical instruments, and take off at least two layers of skin. Whether it’s from habit or whether it’s because they just don’t realize other people use the same sink, there are some people who insist on leaving their used dishes in the sink, apparently in an attempt to soak off encrusted chili-cheese-ketchup concoctions or the fuzz on forgotten lunch dishes they’ve finally pulled out of the refrigerator. Obviously these people have no concept of basic biology. On high, the hot water coming out of the sink is about 2000 degrees Celsius. Almost nothing can survive at that temperature. The only organisms that can are found deep in the ocean around flatulent lava vents that boil the water and spew toxic chemicals. If they’ve got something like that growing on their dishes, it’s going to take a lot more than a good soak to remove them.

FOR CHILI CHEFS AND FANCIERS (AND PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN TEXAS

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all." Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer > line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili# 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled … it’s kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late. Tell our children I’m sorry I was not there to conceive them. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: Momma??!!