Pop Quiz

The List.

Author: October 27, 2023 7 Comments

While Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have, for obvious reasons, consistently been ranked the best Halloween candy, with Snickers, M&M’s, Kit Kats, Twizzlers, Mounds, Sour Sack Babies, and gummy worms usually making it into the top ten, it’s just as important to look at the opposite end of the list and consider the things you definitely should not give out at Halloween:

Apples

Basically any fruit is a bad idea but, in spite of their associations with fall, apples are the worst thing you can give trick-or-treaters unless you want apples thrown through your window. Save them for your Halloween party. If you’ve ever played Bobbing For Apples you know all this does is ruin the apples and leave everyone soaking wet. This is a feature, not a bug.

Apples With Razor Blades

In spite of it being a popular Halloween urban legend you should never give out these under any circumstances. There are no documented cases of these really being given to trick-or-treaters, and the reasons should be clear. For one thing an apple with a razor blade stuck in it is really obvious. For another razor blades are expensive. And finally if you did give these out you’d end up with apples with razor blades thrown through your window.

Caramel apples

Maybe you think the neighbors know you well enough and trust you enough that they know you’d never harm their children so they’d be totally fine with you making a special treat that requires an incredible amount of work on your part. Even if that is true do you know what takes even more work than making caramel apples? Eating them. Congratulations, you’ve just ruined both a perfectly good apple and perfectly good caramel. On the bright side you’ve put the apple on a stick which will make it really easy to throw it through your window.

Loose change

Once upon a time trick-or-treaters carried special cardboard boxes and collected money for UNICEF. Some of that money might have even made it to children in need rather than the change dish next to the rotary phone in the kitchen. Now you’re just weighing down kids’ bags with pieces of metal that, collectively, won’t be enough to purchase gift cards, which are the preferred financial medium of both kids and UNICEF.

Cough drops

Sure, they’re basically candy that pretends to make you stop coughing, but Halloween is just not the time to make sure the kids are getting their recommended daily requirement of menthol, and that eucalyptus could be saved for hungry koalas.

Vitamins

All other considerations aside these are never packaged individually so you’d have to distribute them in plastic bags, and if you’re doing that you might as well be sitting on your porch with bloodshot eyes wearing a tie-dyed shirt and ripped jeans while sitting next to a Victrola playing Tom Lehrer’s “The Old Dope Peddler”.

Gummy vitamins

These are really tasty and for adults it’s fun to get your daily dose of riboflavin as a sweet treat, but they’re still not individually packaged, so if you’re handing these out you might as well be sitting on your porch under a shingle that says “Dr. Timothy Leary” and telling everyone not to feed your pet dragon.

Laxatives

In 1959 a dentist in California thought it would be funny to give out laxatives to trick-or-treaters. It wasn’t. It still isn’t. Among other reasons anyone who’s ever suffered the after-effects of a Halloween candy binge knows laxatives wouldn’t make any difference.

Toothbrushes

I’m sure there are dentists who think it’s funny to give out these. It’s not. You might as well give kids a packaged lecture on the economic impact of coal mining on southwest Wales in the late 19th century. Let kids have this one special night and, hey, if they’re under a certain age they’re just gonna lose all those teeth anyway.

String cheese

Seriously, what is wrong with you?

Doughnuts

When I was a kid there was a house somewhere in my neighborhood where they handed out Krispy Kreme doughnuts–the basic frosted kind. They were not wrapped. Whoever did it also handed them out quickly enough that none of us got a good look at what was being tossed into our bags. The result was a pulverized doughnut and gooey frosting all over our candy. You know who you are and you are more evil than the Silver Shamrock mask company in Halloween III.

Full-sized candy bars

This may sound like a good idea, and it’s briefly going to make your house the most popular one in the entire city. Then you’ll run out and you and your family will turn into the trapped people in Night Of The Living Dead as an army of crazed trick-or-treaters shuffles toward your house, breaking your windows with the apples they got from that house across the street, and if you’re lucky they won’t be candy apples.

Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses

If you don’t recognize the name you’ll recognize the black and orange waxy paper these come wrapped in. Technically they’re a molasses taffy with peanut butter so, congratulations whoever made these, in one package you’ve ruined molasses, taffy, and peanut butter. Fortunately no one’s really to blame for these as scientists have discovered that they spontaneously generate in Halloween bags. This is a good thing because anyone responsible for giving these out should be arrested.

 

Source: Makeagif

Pop Quiz, Quick Takes., Submitted For Your Approval., The Weekly Essay

In Space No One Can Hear You Sneeze.

Author: April 14, 2023 4 Comments

It’s the season when every young person’s fancy turns lightly to thoughts of sneezing, coughing, and congestion, which means it’s time for a pop quiz: Allergy Medication or Star Wars alien?

  1. Chagrian
  2. Muftak
  3. Lotemax
  4. Arcona
  5. Prednisolone
  6. Flovent
  7. Quarren
  8. Qnasl
  9. Amanin
  10. Zetonna
  11. Snivvian
  12. Aqualish
  13. Rhinocort
  14. Zaditor
  15. Xyzal
  16. Gungan
  17. Nausicaan
  18. Ithorian
  19. Gamorrean
  20. Astelin
  21. Claridryl
  22. Sullustan
  23. Pazeo
  24. Grogu
  25. Nasonex

Source: Wikipedia

Answer Key (tip: you can copy the image, paste it into Paint or a similar program, and reverse it)

Pop Quiz, The Weekly Essay

All’s Will That Ends Will.

Author: September 2, 2022 8 Comments

Source: Wikipedia

The Nashville Shakespeare Festival is putting on one of The Bard’s lesser known plays as part of their annual Shakespeare In The Park, but then they’ve been going since 1988 and, well, there are only so many ways to put on the same half dozen comedies and a couple of tragedies.

It’s also important when putting on a Shakespeare play to find ways to make it relevant to contemporary audiences, which is why I now offer Shakespeare’s Plays As Episodes Of Friends.

 

  1. The One On The Island

 

  1. The One With All That King’s Big Speeches

 

  1. The One That Happens In The Trojan War

 

  1. The One Where A Guy Is Exiled From Rome And Of Course Murdered When He Comes Back Because It’s A Tragedy

 

5.  The One That Goes All Over Italy

 

  1. The One Where Two Dudes Almost Get Married, And That Old Dude Comes Back

 

  1. The One Where One Woman Stands In For Another Except She’s Lying Down

 

  1. The One With A Boatload Of Twins, Literally

 

  1. The Other One With The Twins And Also The Obnoxious Butler

 

  1. The One With The Lady Pretending To Be A Statue And A Bear Attack

 

  1. The First One Of The Three Parters About That King

 

  1. The Second One Of The Three Parters About That King

 

  1. The Third One Of The Three Partners About That King

 

  1. The One Where A Greek Guy Finds A Bunch Of Gold And Dies

 

  1. The First One With The Prince And That Old Dude

 

  1. The Second One With Even More Of That Old Dude

 

  1. The One That’s Not Famous Where Everybody Dies

 

  1. The One That Is Famous Where Everybody Dies

 

  1. The One With The Suicidal Teens

 

  1. The One Where Two People Who Hate Each Other Get Married And No One Dies

 

  1. The One With Four Guys Who Quit Dating

 

  1. The One Where Everybody Gets Married After A Night In The Woods

 

  1. The One Where A Jewish Guy Loses Everything, But It’s A Comedy

 

  1. The One Where Some Get Married And Some Get Religion After A Night In The Woods

 

  1. The One With The Two Daughters Who Have To Get Married

 

  1. The One With The Riddle That Means Marriage Or Death, But It’s A Comedy

 

  1. The One With Three Queens That Convince A King To Go To War, But It’s A Comedy

 

  1. The One That Doesn’t Mention Either The Magna Carta Or Robin Hood

 

  1. The One Where The Roman Leader Falls In Love With Egypt’s Queen And They Both Die

 

  1. The One With The Tournament

 

  1. The One With The Hunchbacked King Without A Horse

 

  1. The One About The King With All The Wives

 

  1. The One Where The King Goes To France

 

  1. The One That’s In Scotland—You Know, The One We Can’t Say

 

  1. The One Where The Salad Guy Is Murdered

 

  1. The One With The Crazy King Who Dies Along With His Faithful Daughter Because It’s A Tragedy

 

  1. The One With A Black Guy Who’s Tricked By A White Guy And Dies Because It’s A Tragedy

 

  1. The One Where A Girl Is In Love With A Guy Who Doesn’t Like Her But It All Works Out In The End

 

  1. The One That Ends With A Big Feast But Maybe It’s A Tragedy?

 

Scoring:

More Than 30-You are a retired English professor and you have tweed pajamas that are older than “Friends”

20-29-Stratford-On-Avon tour guides know you by name

15-19-You’ve acted in Shakespeare In The Park productions several years in a row

10-14-You’ve Been To Stratford-On-Avon once and asked a tour guide, “How you doin’?”

5-9-You’ve heard of Stratford-On-Avon

1-4-You barely passed Freshman English

Answer Key:

  1. The Tempest
  2. Henry V
  3. Troilus And Cressida
  4. Coriolanus
  5. Two Gentlemen Of Verona
  6. The Merry Wives Of Windsor
  7. Measure For Measure
  8. The Comedy Of Errors
  9. Twelfth Night
  10. The Winter’s Tale
  11. Henry VI Part 1
  12. Henry VI Part 2
  13. Henry VI Part 3
  14. Timon Of Athens
  15. Henry IV, Part 1
  16. Henry IV, Part 2
  17. Titus Andronicus
  18. Hamlet
  19. Romeo And Juliet
  20. Much Ado About Nothing
  21. Loves Labour’s Lost
  22. A Midsummer Night’s Dream
  23. The Merchant Of Venice
  24. As You Like It
  25. The Taming Of The Shrew
  26. Pericles
  27. The Two Noble Kinsmen
  28. King John
  29. Antony And Cleopatra
  30. Richard II
  31. Richard III
  32. Henry VIII
  33. Edward III
  34. MacBeth
  35. Julius Caesar
  36. King Lear
  37. Othello
  38. All’s Well That Ends Well
  39. Cymbeline

Pop Quiz, The Weekly Essay

Games People Played.

Author: December 17, 2021 6 Comments

Actual Christmas Parlor Games Of The 17th, 18th, and 19th Centuries:

The Ribbon

Everyone would be given a piece of string or ribbon to hold while one person in the middle of the room would hold the other end of all the strings or ribbons. The person in the middle would then say either “pull” or “let go”. When asked to “pull” all the players would have to let go of their strings. When asked to “let go” they would have to pull. Players who got the commands reversed would have to pay some sort of penalty, because it’s not the holidays without strings attached.

Shoe The Wild Mare

Players would have to straddle a wooden swing high enough that their feet would be off the ground and hit the bottom of the swing with a hammer and hopefully not fall off. Players who lost would have to pay some sort of penalty—usually a broken arm.

Jacob! Where Are You?

A version of Blind Man’s Bluff this game involves a blindfolded player who calls out, “Jacob! Where are you?” while chasing another player with a bell. If the bell ringer is caught the players trade places, which makes it a hilarious game for two people and a chance for everyone else to just wander around and drink.

The Toilette

One person would take the role of Lord or Lady. Everyone else would select or be assigned a toiletry item—a comb, a brush, a mirror, etc. When the Lord or Lady called for an item the corresponding person would have to answer. Or the Lord or Lady could call “All toilette!” and everyone would have to jump up and change seats. Each person would take the item of the previous seat holder. Playing this today would be a chance to assign Uncle Jerry the nose hair trimmer and maybe he’d get the hint to use the one you gave him last year because his nostrils look like they’ve been stuffed with porcupines.

The Doctor

One person chosen to be “The Doctor” would go around the room and each person would have to feign an illness. The Doctor would then prescribe the most ridiculous treatments he or she could think of. After going around the room the Doctor would then go back and ask each person what they’d been prescribed.

Hot Cockles

In this version of Blind Man’s Bluff a person would be blindfolded then hit and would have to guess who hit them. This game was a great opportunity to get into the Christmas spirit by taking revenge on someone for something they did back in July.

Steal The White Loaf

A person would sit at a table facing away from a piece of bread or cake and other people would try to grab it without being identified, which seems to be a common theme in Christmas parlor games and maybe how the whole “Secret Santa” thing got started.

Snapdragon

A large dish of raisins would be doused with brandy and set on fire because it just wouldn’t be Christmas without flames. The idea of this game was that everyone would take turns reaching in and grabbing a raisin from the dish. The winner would be the one with the most raisins who didn’t need medical treatment or set anything else on fire. To this day, though, more people have been sent to the hospital by family games of Monopoly.

Source: Tenor

Pop Quiz, Quick Takes., The Weekly Essay

How D’You Like Them Apples?

Author: October 22, 2021 4 Comments

It’s October and time to finally put to rest one of the most vexing seasonal questions of all: what is the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Apple juice: Non-alcoholic.

Apple cider: May be non-alcoholic or alcoholic. Traditionally alcoholic in Europe the term “cider” referred to raw apple juice in the US for a long time in spite of its derivation from a Hebrew word meaning “strong drink” before the rising popularity of alcoholic cider.

 

Apple juice: Filtered, clear.

Apple cider: Generally unfiltered; may be clear or cloudy.

 

Apple juice: Pasteurized.

Apple cider: Generally also pasteurized but at a lower temperature or shorter period, giving it a shorter shelf life. Left alone will either turn into apple cider vinegar or applesauce.

 

Apple juice: Consumed year-round, mostly by children.

Apple cider: The alcoholic variety is consumed year-round, mostly by adults, while the non-alcoholic variety is consumed in the fall at church picnics by people who think it sounds kind of seasonal and also it’s cheaper.

 

Apple juice: Squeezed from the fruit using modern equipment, processed, and bottled within twenty-four hours.

Apple cider: Fruit and pulp are pressed in ancient stone building. The juice is then left to ferment for months or years while druids perform strange rituals over the barrels.

 

Apple juice: Usually served cold but can also be served hot and flavored with spices such as cinnamon, cloves, and star anise.

Apple cider: Always cold because of its aura of menace. Sucks the life force from cinnamon sticks like Billy Zane in The Mummy.

 

Apple juice: Made from a variety of red delicious apples specifically bred for juice.

Apple cider: Made from cursed apples that grow in orchards planted in forgotten graveyards.

 

Apple juice: Apples are harvested by industrial means in large quantities.

Apple cider: Apples are harvested by hand by tough withered Steinbeck characters with names like Nick, Skipjack, and Hortense.

 

Apple juice: Found on grocery store shelves next to the powdered drink mixes.

Apple cider: Found in the refrigerated section of the grocery store next to the beer, but may also be sold to you in the alley behind the store by a tough withered Steinbeck character with a three-day beard, an eyepatch, wearing a tattered trenchcoat, and carrying an axe. Answers to “Hortense”.

 

Apple juice: May be made from concentrate.

Apple cider: You know it’s thinking something.

 

Apple juice: Family friendly; often sold in bottles adorned with cartoon characters.

Apple cider: “We only fly the flag of the Jolly Roger,” says Hortense, glaring at you.

 

Apple juice: Goes great with a child’s afternoon snack of graham crackers or ginger snaps.

Apple cider: Lurks in the darkness waiting for the proper incantations that will release the demons trapped in its depths.

 

Apple juice: May have added sugar.

Apple cider: “I’d be more concerned with what it takes,” says Hortense, wiping something from her axe.

 

Apple juice: Makes adults nostalgic for carefree summer days of running barefoot through the tall grass with friends.

Apple cider: Wants you to pour it out over a blood sacrifice performed under a full moon, thus opening a portal to the netherworld where dark and mysterious creatures still reign.

 

Apple juice: Has a diuretic effect.

Apple cider: The only thing known to dislodge that bubblegum you swallowed in third grade.

Source: Wondermark


Source: Wondermark

Not Non-Fiction, Pop Quiz, Quick Takes., The Weekly Essay

Don’t Put It Pasta.

Author: September 25, 2021 4 Comments

Source: Saveur

Carbs may be persona non grata for some personae but if I have to do a little extra exercise, or accept that my spare tire will be a little more inflated, I’m okay with that because there are many things I won’t do without and pasta is one of them. Or rather the many varieties of pasta, and thanks to 3-D printing there are even more varieties of pasta. I’m pretty sure the question of why there are already hundreds of varieties of pasta, mostly regional could be the subject of a whole book. Heck, last year a journalist did a deep dive into why there was a shortage of bucatini, which, in spite of my love for pasta, I never even noticed, maybe because there are so many varieties, and finally got an answer this year. 

And then there’s Barilla’s annual 3-D pasta printing contest that invites people to enter designs that couldn’t be made by hand or even conventional pasta machines, like this pasta galaxy:

Source: Saveur

It represents the possible future of food that doesn’t just look good but could be better for us, which seemed like a good excuse for me to bring out this palate-cleansing pop quiz:

Musical term or pasta?

  1. Fusilli
  2. Abbellimenti
  3. Pappardelle
  4. Pizzoccheri
  5. Villotta
  6. Lamento
  7. Mafaldine
  8. Rigatoni
  9. Bamboula
  10. Tutti
  11. Obbligato
  12. Zimbalon
  13. Farfalloni
  14. Jongleur
  15. Passacaglia
  16. Lumaconi
  17. Mandala
  18. Orecchiette
  19. Quadrefiore
  20. Funiculì
  21. Ricciutelle
  22. Quadrettini
  23. Sacchettini
  24. Tortelloni
  25. Epithalamium
  26. Gnocchi
  27. Spatzle
  28. Malagueña
  29. Bucatini
  30. Logorrhea

Each answer is worth 1 point.

1-10 points: Great job guessing!

11-20 points: Your music appreciation/cooking instructor is somewhere saying, “Thank goodness something got through.”

21-30 points: We’re coming to your place for dinner and/or a concert.

Answer key below the video.

 

https://freethinkersanonymous.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/answerkey.jpg

 

American Graffiti., Pop Quiz, The Vault

TV Or Not TV?

Author: September 10, 2021 4 Comments

Late fall always meant going back to school for me, and going back to school always meant the end of my summer tradition of watching too much TV even when the weather was nice enough to be outside, at least until
I got home in the afternoons. So that prompted this question: do you recognize the lyrics from the themes to these classic TV sitcoms?

(Note that some of these shows used instrumental versions but originally had lyrics written for them while others had extended versions that never made it to the air.)

  1. A smile is just a frown that’s turned upside down

So smile, and that frown will defrost.

 

  1. Memories help me hide my lonesome feelin’

Far away from you and feelin’ low

It’s gettin’ late my friend, I miss you so

Take good care of you, I’ve gotta go

 

  1. My heart was under lock and key,

But somehow it got unhitched.

I never thought that I could be had

But now I’m caught and I’m kinda glad

 

  1. Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee’s dead

The morning’s looking bright

And your shrink ran off to Europe

And didn’t even write

 

  1. Fish don’t fry in the kitchen

Beans don’t burn on the grill

Took a whole lotta trying

Just to get up that hill

 

  1. We’ll have no need to call the roll when we get to The Fishin’ Hole,

There’ll be you, me, and Old Dog Trey, to doodle time away.

 

  1. Take me in your arms and hold me tight,

Tell me that your love is mine tonight,

Say that everything will turn up right,

It hurts to say goodbye.

 

  1. Everybody knows in a second life

We all come back sooner or later

As anything from a pussycat

To a man eating alligator

 

  1. Skin yourself alive, learn to speak Arapahoe,

Climb inside a dog, and behead an Eskimo.

Now you’ve heard it once, your brain will spring a leak, 

And though you hate this song, you’ll be humming it for weeks!

 

  1. And when we both get older

With walking canes and hair of gray

Have no fear, even though it’s hard to hear

I will stand real close and say

 

  1. This is the music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We’re almost to the part of where I start to whistle.

Then we’ll watch…

 

  1. I spend my nights just howling at the moon

Or hanging out in a creepy black lagoon…

 

  1. That game of life is hard to play

I’m gonna lose it anyway

The losing card, I’ll some day lay

So this is all I have to say

 

  1. Just like the light of a new day

It hit me from out of the blue

Breaking me out of the spell I was in

Making all of my wishes come true

 

  1. You’re all invited back again to this locality

To have a heapin’ helpin’ of their hospitality

Scoring:

12-15: Your mother told you more than once that if you didn’t stop sitting so close to the TV you were going to grow square eyes.

10-11: Every once in a while you stop on one of the nostalgia channels before you go look for something better to watch.

7-9: You found an old TV in your parents’ attic once, plugged it in, and assumed all the color seeped out years ago.

5-8: If you rolled your eyes at this list and said, “Okay, Gen-Xer” give yourself ten bonus points.

2-4: You have never lived in a time when DVR didn’t exist.

0-1: Congratulations on having done something useful with your summer vacations.

The Answer Key is below the video.

Answer Key:

1-The Dick Van Dyke Show

2-WKRP In Cincinnati

3-Bewitched

4-Cheers

5-The Jeffersons

6-The Andy Griffith Show

7-Alfred Hitchcock Presents (not a sitcom and the lyrics are of questionable provenance since the original was an instrumental piece by Charles Gounod but are taken from The TV Theme Song Sing-Along Songbook by John Javna)

8-If you said “My Mother The Car” you guessed WRONG. This was never a classic sitcom.

9-Not a theme song but the infamous Chicken Song from Spitting Image.

10-The Golden Girls

11-It’s Garry Shandling’s Show

12-The Munsters

13-M*A*S*H

14-The Greatest American Hero

15-The Beverly Hillbillies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pop Quiz, The Weekly Essay

Fishing For Ideas.

Author: May 14, 2021 2 Comments

Fishing Lure Or Early 20th Century Dance Craze?

  1. Lindy Hop
  2. Bagley Balsa B
  3. Balboa
  4. Lunker Lure Buzzbait
  5. Heddon Torpedo
  6. Collegiate Shag
  7. Charleston
  8. Jitterbug*
  9. Hula Grub
  10. Foxtrot
  11. Gitzit
  12. Shimmy
  13. Blue Fox Foxee Jig
  14. Panther Martin
  15. Toddle
  16. Big Apple
  17. Rooster Tail
  18. Turkey Trot
  19. Castle Walk
  20. Gibbs Pencil Popper
  21. Spoonplug
  22. Quadrille
  23. Mepps Aglia
  24. Maxixe
  25. Brain Wash Blue

Scoring:

20-25—You regularly trip the light fantastic at a Friday night fish fry.

15-19—You know your way around a dance floor and your grandfather took you fishing regularly when you were a kid.

10-14—You’ve been to a lot of wedding receptions and your grandfather took you fishing once when you were a kid.

5-9—You took a salsa class on a dare and once saw a copy of The Compleat Angler in a bookstore.

1-4—You once ate a worm while hopping on one leg and tell people you did it on a dare.

Answer Key:

Pop Quiz, The Weekly Essay

Don’t Ask About The Specials.

Author: November 21, 2019 7 Comments

Source: Frugal Living NW

If the holiday season puts you in the mood for food why not order from the secret menu? These specialty items aren’t listed on the regular menus and ordering them at your local fast food joint is a great way to make that high school kid who just started two hours ago want to quit. See if you can pair up these spécialités with their maison.

  1. The Meat Mountain

Two chicken tenders, slices of roast turkey, pit-smoked ham, corned beef, 13-hour smoked brisket, USDA-choice Angus steak, roast beef, pepper bacon, with cheddar and swiss cheese

 

  1. Cinnamon Roll Frappuccino

 

  1. The Suicide Burger

A burger with four beef patties and four slices of cheese with bacon and “special savory sauce” that can be ordered with a side of Frings (half French fries, half onion rings)

 

  1. Microwavable chicken fried rice with an expiration date of 08/03/1998

 

  1. Land, Sea & Air Burger

Two hamburger patties, a fish filet, and a chicken patty on three buns. There’s also a landlubber version with two chicken patties.

 

  1. Frozen hot chocolate

 

  1. A cardboard box of Neapolitan ice cream with the chocolate missing

 

  1. Burritodilla

A quesadilla filled with about half the contents of a burrito

 

  1. Purple Sprite

Sprite mixed with Powerade, lemonade, and cranberry juice.

 

  1. The Meat Cube

A full pound of square hamburger patties.

  1. Sonic
  2. Dairy Queen
  3. Your office holiday pot luck lunch
  4. Chipotle
  5. Burger King
  6. McDonald’s
  7. The freezer in your parents’ basement
  8. Wendy’s
  9. Starbucks
  10. Arby’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pop Quiz

What Your Favorite Halloween Movie Says About You.

Author: October 25, 2019 10 Comments

Little Shop Of Horrors (1961)-You look forward to going to the dentist.

Little Shop of Horrors (1986)-Your dentist dreads your appointments.

Basket Case (1982)-You’re sincere when you say you like sunsets and long walks on the beach.

Re-Animator (1985)-You were the first person in your neighborhood to buy a Prius.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)-You’re still the only person in your neighborhood who owns a Prius.

Paranormal Activity (2007)-You tell everyone you’re getting a hybrid vehicle next year.

The Thing (1982)-You think your man bun draws attention away from your attempts to grow a beard.

Get Out (2017)-You have at least three NPR tote bags.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)-You were once arrested for indecent exposure at a nude beach.

Saw (2004)-Your safe word is “tricycle”.

Hellraiser (1987)-Your safe word is “pinhead” but you’ve never used it.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)-You have no safe word.

The Black Cat (1934)-You’ve unironically described an office party as “a hootenanny”.

The Amityville Horror (1979)-You once electrocuted yourself changing a light bulb.

Hocus Pocus (1993)-You check under the bed before you go to sleep.

The Babadook (2014)-You sleep under the bed.

It’s Alive! (1974)-One of your grade school report cards said “Plays a little too well with others.”

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1956)-You laugh at conspiracy theories.

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1978)-You laugh at people who don’t take conspiracy theories seriously.

Sssssss (1973)-You’ve been banned from zoos because you disturb the animals.

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)-You’ve been banned from watching Sesame Street because you disturb the puppets.

Frankenstein (1931)-You once won a goldfish swallowing contest.

Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)-One of your summer jobs was raising rats for a reptile house.

Suspiria (1977)-You had to give up your dream of teaching kindergarten and settle for working in the ballet.

The Shining (1980)-Your bathroom has an enormous ball of soap made up of leftover hotel soaps.

Rosemary’s Baby (1968)-When asked about breastfeeding you say, “Thanks, but I’m trying to quit.”

Doctor Giggles (1992)-At every checkup your doctor has to listen to you read a list of obscure diseases from your smartphone.

Dracula (1931)-The Halloween aisle at Walgreen’s gives you the creeps.

An American Werewolf In London (1981)-You prefer stout over lager.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)-You’ve told the joke about the three bartenders, the Franciscan monk, and the cross-eyed turtle as part of a wedding toast. Twice.

Halloween (1978)-The barbershop quartet you were in broke up over creative differences.

Halloween III: Season Of The Witch (1982)-You once gave a nine year old a dictionary as a gift.

Night Of The Living Dead (1968)-You’ve chosen a restaurant solely because it serves blood pudding.

Dawn Of The Dead (1978)-You’ve said, “Don’t be confused by the name. It’s really more of a sausage.”

Day Of The Dead (1985)-You’ve made your own blood pudding.

The Fly (1958)-You kept a praying mantis as a pet when you were a kid.

The Fly (1986)-You’ve chosen a restaurant solely because it serves fried grasshoppers.

The Exorcist (1973)-You don’t understand why people have a problem with the word “moist”.

The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)-You tried out for but didn’t make the high school swim team.

Beetlejuice (1988)- Next phase, new wave, dance craze, anyways it’s still rock and roll to you.

Scream (1996)-You’ve spent more than twenty minutes listing the inaccuracies in a film someone casually brought up at a dinner party.

Alien (1979)-You can belch the alphabet.

Carrie (1976)-You attended your thirty year high school reunion but you’re still not sure what Homecoming is supposed to be.

The Raven (1963)-You have unusually strong opinions about the difference between jelly and marmalade.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992)-You made the high school golf team because they were short a player.

The Wolf Man (1941)-You’ve ordered chicken “medium rare”.

Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)-You dressed up as Nikola Tesla for Halloween when you were a kid.

Ringu (1998)-You still own a VHS player.

Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)-You’ve said to a nurse who was about to give you a flu shot, “Here, let me do it.”

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)-You were once arrested for setting an inflatable Santa on fire in July.

The Stuff (1985)-You make your own granola.

The Addams Family (1991)-You sleep with the lights on.

The Ghost And Mr. Chicken (1966)-You sleep with the lights on during the day.

Pop Quiz, The Weekly Essay

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