If the holiday season puts you in the mood for food why not order from the secret menu? These specialty items aren’t listed on the regular menus and ordering them at your local fast food joint is a great way to make that high school kid who just started two hours ago want to quit. See if you can pair up these spécialités with their maison.
The Meat Mountain
Two chicken tenders, slices of roast turkey, pit-smoked ham, corned beef, 13-hour smoked brisket, USDA-choice Angus steak, roast beef, pepper bacon, with cheddar and swiss cheese
Cinnamon Roll Frappuccino
The Suicide Burger
A burger with four beef patties and four slices of cheese with bacon and “special savory sauce” that can be ordered with a side of Frings (half French fries, half onion rings)
Microwavable chicken fried rice with an expiration date of 08/03/1998
Land, Sea & Air Burger
Two hamburger patties, a fish filet, and a chicken patty on three buns. There’s also a landlubber version with two chicken patties.
Frozen hot chocolate
A cardboard box of Neapolitan ice cream with the chocolate missing
Burritodilla
A quesadilla filled with about half the contents of a burrito
Purple Sprite
Sprite mixed with Powerade, lemonade, and cranberry juice.
Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)-You’ve told the joke about the three bartenders, the Franciscan monk, and the cross-eyed turtle as part of a wedding toast. Twice.
Halloween (1978)-The barbershop quartet you were in broke up over creative differences.
So my wife sent me out to pick up some wine while she went to a dog training class, and while I was in the store a young man came in and asked if they had any Moet & Chandon and I said, “Oh, yeah, she keeps it in a pretty little cabinet. Let them eat cake, she says, just like Marie Antoinette,” and everyone just stared at me and I invited everyone to come home with me just so I could yell at them to get off my lawn, but that’s another story. At least it all came together in this pop quiz: Dog breed or wine?
What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, three legs in the evening, and when would be the ideal time for it to get health insurance?
A box without hinges, key, or a lid, but you followed the directions when you were putting it together. Did you save the receipt?
A train traveling at forty-five miles an hour leaves Vancouver heading east at 4:45am. A train traveling at thirty miles an hour leaves Poughkeepsie traveling northwest at 1:05pm. Explain to me again why this is so much better than flying.
You have two and a half bottles of conditioner and three quarters of a bottle of shampoo you swiped from a hotel. How many times do you have to travel before you have an even number of both?
On Monday there are five coffee cups in the office break room sink. On Tuesday there are four coffee cups in the office break room sink. On Wednesday there are eight coffee cups in the break room sink. Is anyone going to ask Kevin to just rinse one cup if he’s drinking that much coffee?
As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Each wife had seven sacks, each sack had seven cats, each cat had seven kits, and what are the odds I turned around and went back when I saw what kind of people lived there?
You have three glasses of milk and three bowls of pudding. You drink one of the glasses of milk and, oh, wait, are you lactose intolerant?
What has no beginning, end, or middle and is circular and, oh, I just gave away the answer there, didn’t I?
A father and son are in a terrible accident. The father is killed and the son is rushed to a doctor. The doctor says, “I can’t operate on him, I’m a psychiatrist!”
Which came first, the chicken or the egg, and is putting mayonnaise on a chicken sandwich a double insult?
You’re faced with two guardians. One always tells the truth, the other always lies. Which one do you ask a question since they’re both major assholes?
There are four days that start with the letter ‘T’: Tuesday, Thursday, and I’ll tell you the other two tomorrow and yesterday.
It wouldn’t be Christmas without caroling, except in places where it’s not a Christmas tradition. Years ago when I was in Britain, going to school at Harlaxton College, a group decided to go out caroling in the nearby village and I went along even though I can’t carry a tune in a bucket. There was a home in the village that had a pond that was home to three-thousand ducks, though, and every day after lunch I’d take some bread and walk up there and feed the ducks. They must have recognized my voice because as the group marched along singing the ducks came out and joined us in “Here We Come A-Waddling”, but that’s another story. The strange thing is people who lived in the village were baffled by a group caroling just for fun and thought we were collecting for charity so they kept trying to offer us money, and by the third house I’d collected ten pounds. Anyway see if you can identify these Christmas carols just from a few of the words.
1. The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
He got into a drifted bank
And then we got upsot.
2. Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes of life of gathering gloom
3. And ye, beneath life’s crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow…
4. We’ll have lots of fun with mister snowman,
Until the other kids knock him down.
5. And surely ye’ll be your pint-stoup!
And surely I’ll be mine!
6. Bring me flesh and bring me wine
Bring me pine logs hither…
7. The bells on Penguins ring,
Make Riddler wanna fight…
8. Don’t cry for me next door neighbor…
9. May we warm him, needy and lying on hay,
With our pious embraces
10. Bring us out a mouldy cheese,
And some of your Christmas loaf.
11. Goreu pleser ar nos galan,
Tŷ a thân a theulu diddan…
12. The boar’s head, as I understand,
Is the rarest dish in all this land…
13. Somebody waits for you,
Kiss her once for me.
14. There’ll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago…
It’s not quite Fall in the northern hemisphere but already the days are noticeably shorter. The mating calls of the crickets, cicadas, and katydids are louder with the fierce urgency of the late season. The sky is more blue, the mornings are more crisp, or that just might be the drugs kicking in. Soon it will be harvest season. All these combined to prompt the following pop quiz: Apple variety of classic American burlesque performer?
1. Granny Smith
2. Lily St. Cyr
3. Beverly Hills
4. Birgit Bonnier
5. Mamie Van Doren
6. Royal Gala
7. D’Arcy Spice
8. Sally Rand
9. Carolina Red June
10. Chesty Morgan
11. Gypsy Rose Lee
12. Pacific Rose
13. Paula Red
14. Pink Lady
15. Yakety Sax
16. Ginger Gold
17. Golden Delicious
18. Ann Corio
19. Honeycrisp
20. Honey West
21. Kerry Pippin
22. Jayne Mansfield
23. Fanny Brice
24. Al Lewis
25. Roxbury Russet
Scoring: 1-5: Like the crickets, cicadas, and katydids your mating calls are louder at this time of year.
6-10: Cider? You hardly knew her!
10-15: Your tassels are showing.
15-20: You really like them apples.
20-25: You’ve spent more time in burlesque clubs than Morey Amsterdam.
Once upon a time lazy summer mornings meant sleeping late and lingering over a bowl of cold cereal, oblivious to the problems of the wider world. Maybe there’d be a toy in the bottom of the box of cereal. Back in 1947 a national brand of cereal gave away a million spinthariscope rings so kids could put a sample of radioactive polonium right up their eye, but that’s another story. After breakfast there’d be time for a barefoot walk through the tall grass, far away from the urgent ringing of a phone. Then back home for a tuna fish sandwich and my boss yelling, “WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? THE SHAREHOLDERS ARE EXPECTING THE QUARTERLY EARNINGS REPORT!”
In memory of those bygone halcyon days of last week when summer mornings were long and leisurely here’s a pop quiz:
Fishing Lure Or Early 20th Century Dance Craze?
