Pop Quiz

This quiz will test your knowledge of etiquette. If you encounter ambiguous or confusing questions consult the answer key before proceeding.

 

 

 

 

1) You’re walking with a friend down the street. You should

a) Walk on their left

b) Walk on their right

c) Decide based on whether they’re left or right-handed

d) Pretend to push them into traffic and laugh

2) A co-worker shares confidential information about a fellow co-worker with you. You should

a) Say nothing

b) Report the co-worker who spoke to you to HR

c) Report both co-workers to HR

d) Use the information to blackmail Kevin into bringing you duty-free Scotch from the conference he’s attending

3) You’re running late for a meeting and step into the elevator. You see another person approaching from a distance. You should

a) Hold the door

b) Let them get the next elevator

c) Pretend you don’t see them

d) Yell “Hurry!” while you’re pressing the ‘Door close’ button

4) You’re tweeting  a Periscope video that was shared from an Instagram link on Facebook. Should you also like it on Tumblr for your Tindr profile?

a) Yes

b) No

c) Only if the person who sent it has added you to their LinkedIn network

d) Get off my lawn!

5) You’re spending the night at Lord Buldlington’s manor. Whilst dressing for afternoon tea you discover your third valet forgot to pack an extra set of garters. You should

a) Send word to the sophomore footman that you require supplemental livery

b) Ask the underbutler to create a distraction in the parlor so your manservant can slip into Sir Merton’s room and “borrow” his walrus-ivory cufflinks

c) Feign illness and have a cold supper of smoked tongue and aspic in your room

d) Create a scandal by calling Lady Bertrille “a swotty knickerbocker”

6) You’re having drinks with coworkers. The person to your left has purchased a round for the entire table. Everyone expects you to do the same but you don’t have enough money. You should

a) Apologize and offer to pay for the drink the other person purchased

b) Buy drinks but quietly ask a friend to help

c) Decide you can be a little late with this month’s rent

d) Buy several more rounds and appetizers and wake up three days later in a Vegas hotel room with an armadillo and the word “ANTHROPOMORPHIZE” tattooed on your forehead

7) You make a bank shot off two rails and sink one of your opponent’s balls. You believe this is a foul and the ball should be replaced. Your opponent disagrees. According to the rules

a) You are correct

b) Your opponent is correct

c) The ball doesn’t count but should remain pocketed

d) It’s time for another round of drinks

8) You are driving down a narrow road and the driver behind you insists on tailgating. You should

a) Maintain your current speed

b) Slow down

c) Tap your brakes

d) You’re driving in Russia, so who cares? Go offroad!

9) You’re at an elegant dinner party and a dish you don’t recognize is served. You look at the array of utensils next to your plate. You should

a) See what the people on either side of you pick up

b) Use the shrimp fork

c) Use the oyster knife

d) Get a new plate each time you return to the buffet

10) You and a friend have made plans to go out. At the last minute your friend cancels but you learn later that your friend was seen out without you. You should

a) Say nothing and assume your friend had good reasons

b) Say nothing and save it for a later argument

c) Ask your friend what happened

d) Disguise yourself and start stalking them

11) You receive an email and forget to reply to it. After a week the sender sends a follow-up email asking if you received the first email. You should

a) Apologize and reply immediately.

b) Claim the email went to your junk folder

c) See if they’ll send a third email

d) Cut off all internet access, move to Borneo, and adopt a whole new identity

12) You’re about to drop your calling card at the Windermere House and you notice both Henry Greene and Aloysius Wells have left their cards first. You should

a) Leave your card on top even though this will reveal you were late

b) Slip your card to the bottom

c) Split and double down

d) Take Greene’s card and inscribe the word “Scallywag” on it

13) You’re at a party and are introduced to a large number of strangers. To remember their names you should

a) Mentally repeat each person’s name to imprint it on your memory

b) Repeat each person’s name once as you’re introduced to them

c) Suggest that everyone wear nametags

d) Just call everyone “Jeff”

14) A person to whom you’ve just been introduced asks how much money you make. You should

a) Say you don’t discuss personal finances

b) Ask, “Why, do you need to borrow some?”

c) Say, “Obviously more than you based on those shoes.”

d) Set them on fire.

15) You’re taking an online quiz and start to doubt your answers. You should:

a) Keep going. You’re doing your best and that’s all you can do

b) Quit because who really needs this crap?

c) Take “Potent Potables” for $600

d) Check the answer key

 

This is a special day and deserves a special pop quiz. Because April is the cruelest month and because there are reports that Shakespeare’s skull is missing I thought the subject should be poetry. For previous pop quizzes you can click the category over on the right or you can use this handy link. And now without further ado about nothing here is the quiz.

 

 

 

Romantic comedy or Three Stooges short?

1. Hold the Lion, Please
2. The Adventure of the Red-Headed League
3. Scrambled Aches
4. Rhapsody Rabbit
5. The Five Orange Pips
6. A Scandal in Bohemia
7. A-Lad-In His Lamp
8. Guided Muscle
9. Chariots of Fur
10. The Problem of Thor Bridge
11. Foxy by Proxy
12. The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap
13. Hyde and Hare
14. Xoloitzcuintli
15. Hopalong Casualty
16. Devil’s Feud Cake
17. Gaslight
18. Wild About Hurry
19. What’s Opera, Doc?
20. The Gulag Archipelago

Scoring:

18-20: Seek professional help

13-17: Hey, that’s not bad!

10-16: We’ve got a live one here.

5-9: You cheated and this is still the best you did?

1-4: No, really, seek professional help.

Regular readers are familiar with the occasional pop quizzes I throw out. I try to make them fun and a little bit challenging but not too difficult because nothing annoys me more than trying to do a crossword puzzle and halfway through feeling like the antediluvian legal scholar who created it decided no one would make it past 42-across and just started making up words and I want to hunt him down and beat him with a dictionary.

Anyway I got an idea for a pop quiz while reading Sam Kean’s The Disappearing Spoon, which is a really cool book about the periodic table and the elements that comprise it. It’s not a heavy scientific text but full of interesting stories like how in 1915 the Germans covertly took over a Colorado molybdenum mine which gave them an advantage in World War I, but that’s another story.

And then I started writing the quiz down and realized I was insane. It relied on some pretty rarefied knowledge and the clues were such a stretch I think even most chemists would find it tougher than tungsten. The answers are all scientists who aren’t household names, with one exception. Think bushy hair and moustache and sarcastic synonym for “smart person”.

They are also all scientists who’ve had elements named after them which narrows it down but they’re mostly still obscure and to make it even worse all my puns are a real stretch. And this may surprise some of the laity but the naming of elements can actually be controversial. Dmitri Mendeleev created the first modern periodic table and realized there were a lot of undiscovered elements to fill the spaces. He named the gap elements things like “ekaaluminum”. “Eka” is Sanskrit for “one” and was the element Mendeleev predicted would sit under aluminum on the periodic table. He was right about there being such an element but the scientist who discovered it named it gallium. When Marie Curie discovered polonium  in 1911 she named it in honor of her home country, Poland, which was not at the time a bona fide country and fighting Germany for independence. Now while the naming is less political scientists still rush for naming rights and some elements have gone unnamed for years while who really found them first is sorted out.

Still with me? Here’s the quiz. Get one or two and you can feel really good about yourself. Get more than half and you can non-sarcastically call yourself a smart person. Get zero and you get the grand prize: you can hunt me down and beat me with a dictionary.

Name the scientist suggested by the following puns.

1. He would prefer to wade.

Additional clues: called the “father of nuclear physics”, he won the Nobel Prize in 1908

2. Hard common vowel.

Additional clues: an Italian physicist who worked on the Manhattan Project

3. Ocean-going Star Trek villain.

Additional clues: the only living person to have an element named after him he discovered or helped discover ten elements

4. Heal him.

Additional clues: the only woman to have an element named after her (so far), she discovered both polonium and radium

5. One big mug.

Additional clues: a real smart person with a reputation for absent-mindedness. Think bushy hair and moustache.

6. Edict wash.

Additional clues: invented the cyclotron

7. Repair Bulgarian currency.

Additional clues: created the periodic table and predicted the discovery of many additional elements

This clue is also so far out if you get it without the additional clues you are either a science historian, a chemist, or are working in the wrong field

8. Doesn’t ring.

Additional clues: has a prestigious set of prizes named after him and invented dynamite

9. Hire Hunger Games star.

Additional clues: German scientist (oh, like that narrows it down) who discovered X-rays

10. A real sleeper.

Additional clues: Danish scientist who created a popular atomic model.

Answer key:

And all this is really an excuse to share Tom Lehrer’s The Elements. If you’ve all been paying attention you’ll know that since he wrote it the news of a few new elements has come to Harvard.

 

With Valentine’s Day coming up it’s time for another pop quiz. This time our topic is: Candy or lipstick color?

All lipstick colors are from Maybelline, Covergirl, and Revlon. All candies, with one notable exception, are from Russel Stover Candies.

1. Chocolate Mint dream
2. Touch of spice
3. Pink sugar
4. Coconut cream
5. Burgundy blush
6. Chocolate whip
7. Butter cream caramel
8. Maple kiss
9. Pecan delight
10. Cherry cordial
11. Truffle tease
12. Espresso exposed
13. Electric orange
14. Chocolate Adelaide
15. Crunchy frog
16. Raspberry parfait
17. Brazen berry
18. Berry couture
19. Apricot fantasy
20. Raisin rage
21. Red velvet truffle
22. Mocha cream
23. Starlight kisses
24. Chocolate velvet
25. Caramel glacé
26. French mint
27. Sugar almond
28. Roman nougat
29. Bronzed peach
30. Wedding cake truffle

Scoring:

26-30: You’re the one holding up the line at the pharmacy because you’re getting your groceries and your prescriptions at the same time.

20-25: You know more about chocolate and fashion than any human being should.

15-19: You should take up gambling because you’re really good at lucky guesses.

10-14: You deserve chocolate today, unless you’re allergic to it in which case you deserve the chocolate substitute of your choice.

5-9: It doesn’t say anything on the label about lark’s vomit.

1-4: You are some kind of sick human being, possibly a cannibal, and I would really like to meet you.

 

Answer key:

You have one hour to finish the test. If you feel you need more time you have thirty minutes to finish the test.

 

 

1. Why do fools fall in love?
   a. Love is tricky
   b It makes the floor slippery
   c. Ask all my exes
   d. THEY’RE FOOLS!
2. What’s love got to do with it?
   a. Everything
   b. Nothing
   c. It makes the world go ’round
   d. Ask a fool
3. Who’s that girl?
   a. Madonna
   b. Sean Penn
   c. Is this a trick question?
   d. Marlo Thomas
4. Who let the dogs out?
   a. What dogs?
   b. They did it themselves. They’re very smart.
   c. My housesitter! That’s it. He’s fired.
   d. Say that again and I will cut you.
5. Where have all the flowers gone?
   a. They died. Should’ve planted perennials.
   b. Young girls have picked them every one. Fools.
   c. It’s now a parking lot.
   d. They got a new job and moved to Poughkeepsie.
6. What’s the frequency Kenneth?
   a. 4.68 megaherz with a repeating cycle
   b. About every four minutes
   c. Pre-set on my car radio
   d. For the last time my name is Kevin.
7. Who are you?
   a. Who is anyone?
   b. Anyone you want me to be.
   c. Knock knock. Wait, what?
   d. Do you really want to know?
8. Do you know the way to San Jose?
   a. Yes
   b. No
   c. It’s a long way to Tipperary.
   d. No, but I’ll check my GPS
9. How can you mend a broken heart?
   a. Time wounds all heels.
   b. With new Monster Glue(TM)!
   c. Try a little tenderness.
   d. You can’t, fool!
10. What becomes of the brokenhearted?
    a. They move on.
    b. They binge on tequila and ice cream
    c. Medication helps
    d. Only farted
11. Why don’t we do it in the road?
    a. Sure
    b. It’s rush hour.
    c. Um, we can afford a hotel.
    d. At least take me to dinner and a movie first.
12. Who’ll stop the rain?
    a. Me. I’ve got an umbrella.
    b. The weathermen.
    c. The climate
    d. We’re in the middle of a drought! What’s wrong with you?
13. What’s so funny ’bout peace love and understanding?
    a. Nothing
    b. Everything
    c. You’re so cute.
    d. The desperate shortage of all three.
14. Have you ever loved a woman?
    a. Yes
    b. No
    c. That’s a rather personal question.
    d. Define “loved”.
15. Are you lonesome tonight?
    a. No
    b. I wouldn’t be if you hadn’t stood me up.
    c. I’ve got tequila and ice cream to keep me company.
    d. No, I’m Kevin. Lonesome Tonight couldn’t make it.
16. Who wrote the book of love?
    a. It was a collaboration.
    b. Be more specific.
    c. I’ll take “Sounds like Shakespeare” for $500, Alex!
    d. Who’s on first.
17. Will you still love me tomorrow?
    a. I guess so.
    b. Let me sleep on it.
    c. Tomorrow’s just another day.
    d. Let me get you another drink.
18. Should I stay or should I go?
    a. Stay
    b. Go
    c. We’ve gotta get out of this place.
    d. Who invited you?
19. Wouldn’t it be nice?
    a. If you’re into that sort of thing.
    b. I’ve tried it. It was overrated.
    c. Tomorrow’s just another day.
    d. Define “it”.
20. What’s new pussycat?
    a. My hair. You didn’t even notice!
    b. The fact that you’re calling me pussycat.
    c. Whoa-oh-oh!
    d. Everything under the sun.

Extra credit:

How long to the point of no return?

a. Two miles

b. Three blocks that way, then turn left.

c. About thirty years behind us.

d. If train A leaves Chicago going 75mph and train B leaves Poughkeepsie going 80mph and train B overtakes train A in Des Moines what is the capitol of Nebraska?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pop quiz: Hat or fruit?

1. Guava
2. Beret
3. Sapote
4. Pahlavi
5. Homburg
6. Prune
7. Sombrero
8. Kumquat
9. Kepi
10. Lychee
11. Durian
12. Capirote
13. Tamarind
14. Boater
15. Quince
16. Shako
17. Rambutan
18. Turban
19. Sloe
20. Cloche
21. Rowan
22. Mantilla
23. Capote
24. Pawpaw
25. Yanggwan
26. Persimmon
27. Trilby
28. Fedora
29. Mangosteen
30. Beanie

Each question is worth a completely arbitrary three points to put unreasonable pressure on you to do math after you’ve finished.

75-150 points: Your elegant and fashionable dinner parties are intricate and well-planned in a way that makes everyone else insecure and uncomfortable. Who even knows what a shrimp fork is anymore?

60-74 points: You watch a lot of those fashion and cooking competition shows, don’t you?

45-59 points: Excellent guesswork. You win and may take a prize from the treasure box on the desk at the front of the room.

27-44 points: Still within the ballpark. You may take a pencil from the shoebox next to the chalkboard at the back of the room.

8.5-26 points: You knew most of this stuff at one time but like the quadratic formula you knew you’d never use it so you forgot it. You may take two prizes from the treasure box on the desk at the front of the room.

3-8.4 points: Please hand in the pencil you took from the shoebox next to the chalkboard at the back of the room when you came in. You shouldn’t be allowed to have anything sharp.

Musical term or pasta?

1. Fusilli
2. Abbellimenti
3. Pappardelle
4. Pizzoccheri
5. Villotta
6. Lamento
7. Mafaldine
8. Rigatoni
9. Bamboula
10. Tutti
11. Obbligato
12. Zimbalon
13. Farfalloni
14. Jongleur
15. Passacaglia
16. Lumaconi
17. Mandala
18. Orecchiette
19. Quadrefiore
20. Funiculì
21. Ricciutelle
22. Quadrettini
23. Sacchettini
24. Tortelloni
25. Epithalamium
26. Gnocchi
27. Spatzle
28. Malagueña
29. Bucatini
30. Logorrhea

Each answer is worth 1 point.

1-10 points: Great job guessing!

11-20 points: Your music appreciation/cooking instructor is somewhere saying, “Thank goodness something got through.”

21-30 points: We’re coming to your place for dinner and/or a concert.

Answer key:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Medical term or fictional place:

1. Amnion
2. Sequela
3. Avalon
4. Naegleria
5. Axon
6. Dendrite
7. Zegyma
8. Elysium
9. Dagoba
10. Glioma
11. Macrosomia
12. Duodenum
13. Laputa
14. Labia
15. Aasgard
16. Adventitia
17. Acne
18. Trenzalore
19. Presbyopia
20. Scorbutus
21. Cilia
22. Xanadu
23. Skaro
24. Gynecomastia
25. Lankhmar
26. Equestria
27. Pern
28. Saccular
29. Xanthinuria
30. Quinacrine
31. Czill
32. Typhus
33. Risa
34. Cockaigne
35. Mirkwood
36. Xibalba
37. Prophylaxis
38. Keratoma
39. Hyperborea
40. Utopia
41. Jiangyin
42. Acathisia
43. Meropis
44. Placenta
45. Uriel
46. Acrodynia
47. Jejunum
48. Amtor
49. Kalemia
50. Toadsuck

Scoring: each correct answer is inexplicably worth 2 points.

0-50-Don’t sweat it.

50-75-You are very knowledgeable about medicine, mythology, or both.

76-95-Think about getting out more.

96-100-You either need professional help or you are the professional help.

Answer key: