Quick Takes.

Marching On.

Author: March 21, 2025 0 Comments

The Five Stages Of March:

  1. Denial.

It can’t possibly be March. Sure, February is the shortest month on the calendar, but it’s still too soon to be March. And too cold. It seems like just a week ago we were in the middle of January. How could it possibly be March already?

  1. Anger.

Fine, it’s March. It’s still too cold but the weather’s supposed to warm up a little bit the next week. And then go back to freezing after that. Later in the week we’ll get tornadoes. Yep, that’s definitely March and I hate it.

  1. Bargaining.

Can we get some consistent weather here, please? Is there anything I can do to make that happen? I promise I’ll wear my heavy coat to work in the morning and won’t complain about having to carry it home in the afternoon when everybody’s out wearing shorts.

  1. More bargaining.

I swear I’ll do anything if it will just get warm and stay warm. Or get cold and stay cold. I can’t tell if I’m coughing because I’ve got a cold or because of allergies.

  1. Extra special bargaining.

Yes, I said I wish I were on a beach somewhere but I didn’t mean I wanted flooding. Look, the kids get Spring Break. Isn’t it close enough to spring that I could catch a break here?

  1. This is definitely bargaining.

Of course it’s raining nails and tiny little Ernest Borgnines. It’s March. I think I’d better lay off the allergy medication.

  1. Back to bargaining.

This is the third time I’ve packed away my heavy coat and then had to pull it out again. If I just leave it out will the weather finally stay warm?

  1. Depression.

Sun is out. Birds are singing. Buttercups and lilies are popping up in yards. The grass is getting green. Everyone’s happy. Yep, it’s definitely March and I hate it. I’m just going to sit here wrapped up in my winter coat.

  1. Acceptance.

All right, spring really is finally here, the forecast shows nothing but high temperatures and clear skies. I’m going to go out for a walk in the park and just relax and enjoy myself. Time to break out the shorts and sandals.

  1. Acceptance, ten minutes later.

Blizzard.

Nature Talks., Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., Submitted For Your Approval., The Weekly Essay

Morning Light.

Author: March 10, 2025 2 Comments

The change to Daylight Saving Time this weekend meant that for the first time in months I left for work in the dark. Because my morning commute takes me almost due east there were a few days when I was driving right into the sun. Maybe that’s why this morning I was so conscious of the artificial lights I passed, still aglow in the rising dawn. If there’s an advantage to the time change it’s that it makes me more aware, although I may be unusual in that. While waiting at a red light I saw two guys in the middle of the cross street standing by a white pickup truck; there was a dark blue pickup truck right behind it. The blue pickup’s front was touching the white one’s back fender. They were both laughing about it and before the light changed they pulled into a parking lot, presumably to exchange insurance information, though from my vantage point I couldn’t see any damage.

It’s strange that I’d see an accident on my way to work. For one thing I don’t see many accidents anyway, and I’m grateful for that. But also at least one study has found that there’s a drop in accidents following the spring change to Daylight Savings Time, with an increase in the fall.

Seeing a small fender bender made me even more conscious of the road ahead as I drove into the dawn, streetlights winking out and lights still on in businesses and apartments dimming as I got closer to work, the sun still not over the horizon after I parked and walked across the roof of the parking garage.

Adventures In Busing., Quick Takes., Ramble With Me.

Then And Now.

Author: February 21, 2025 5 Comments


The difference in taking cough medicine when you’re a kid versus an adult:

Kid: You don’t remember taking it before but something about that shimmering spoonful of liquid that manages to be both purple and brown at the same time triggers fear in you. This is a trick. They’ll have to strap you down and pry your mouth open before you’ll let that in your mouth.

Adult: It can’t possibly be as bad as you remember.

Kid: Bleh, that is the most horrible, awful, disgusting thing you’ve ever had in your mouth, and you were once tricked into trying kale.

Adult: How is it worse than you remember? Seriously, that is the worst thing you’ve ever had in your mouth. Okay, there was that one time in college at a party when what you thought was a rum and Coke was the spit cup being used by that one guy who chewed tobacco…no, this is worse.

Kid: It’s been ten whole minutes. How is the horrible taste still there? At this point you’d drink anything, even water, to get rid of it. And when is it supposed to make you stop coughing?

Adult: It’s only been ten minutes. Is it too early to drink some water? 

Kid: You’re never taking that crap ever again. You’ll never risk getting a cold. You’ll never go outside. What’s that? Your friends are sledding. Now you remember why you agreed to take it in the first place. Where’s your coat? Never mind. You won’t need it. But first you’re going to sit down on the couch for a minute.

Adult: The label says “may cause drowsiness”. When is that supposed to kick in? Some sleep would be nice for a change. Must not work on you for some reason. You’ll just sit down on the couch for a minute.

Kid: Why is it dark? Oh, it’s been about four hours. Oh no. You feel another cough coming. You have to suppress it or they’ll give you another dose.

Adult: How are you still tired after sleeping for more than four hours? Oh great, here comes more coughing. Time to take some more. It can’t be as bad as you remember, right?

Kid: Maybe if you scream enough next time you’ll get the kind that tastes like candy.

Adult: Next time you’re buying the kind that tastes like candy.

Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., The Weekly Essay

Fantasy Football, Superbowl LIX Edition.

Author: February 8, 2025 3 Comments

 

Offense            
Wide Receiver Xavier Worthy Wide Receiver Schmendrick The Magician
Left Tackle Jordan Mailata Left Tackle Buffy Anne Summers  
Left Guard Mike Caliendo Left Guard Inigo Montoya  
Center Cam Jurgens Center Dark Helmet  
Right Guard Trey Smith Right Guard Inigo Montoya  
Right Tackle Lane Johnson Right Tackle Rocket Raccoon  
Tight End Travis Kelce Tight End Lessa/Ramoth  
Quaterback Patrick Mahomes  Quaterback Xena, Warrior Princes
Running Back Saquon Barkley Running Back Jareth    
Fullback Carson Steele Fullback Hellboy    
Wide Receiver Jahan Dotson Wide Receiver Yog Sothoth  
             
Defense            
Defensive End George Karlaftis Defensive End Optimus Prime  
Defensive Tackle Jordan Davis Defensive Tackle Gamera    
Defensive Tackle Tershawn Wharton Defensive Tackle Ellen Ripley  
Defensive End Mike Danna Defensive End Peter Pan    
Linebacker Nakobe Dean Linebacker Marceline The Vampire Queen
Linebacker Drue Tranquill Linebacker Falkor    
Linebacker Leo Chenal Linebacker Arya Stark    
Cornerback Trent McDuffie Cornerback Spock    
Cornerback Quinyon Mitchell Cornerback Galadriel    
Safety Justin Reid Safety Mrs. Whatsit  
Safety Reed Blankenship Safety Ged    

 

Source: Wondermark

American Graffiti., Happy Birthday., Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., Submitted For Your Approval., The Vault

Preaching To The Choir.

Author: December 20, 2024 4 Comments

The spirited and friendly debates over what’s a Christmas movie and what isn’t seem to have cooled. Yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie. No, L.A. Confidential isn’t. Gremlins is a Christmas movie, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang isn’t. A Nightmare Before Christmas is both a Christmas movie and a Halloween movie. Home Alone is a Christmas movie because every kid fantasizes about getting revenge on adults who won’t let them eat junk and watch rubbish, especially when they’re out of school, and every parent fantasizes about a little alone time, especially when the kids are out of school. Sleepless In Seattle is really a movie you watch on New Year’s Day because When Harry Met Sally is too mentally exhausting while you’re nursing a hangover, and how Eyes Wide Shut ever got into the discussion is a mystery best left unsolved.

With that in mind I think it’s time for a new subject to debate: Is it a Christmas song?

 

Jingle Bells

The tune was first copyrighted in September 1857. According to some sources it was intended as a Thanksgiving song. It makes no mention of Christmas, or any holiday. However like Planes, Trains, And Automobiles I think this one should be allowed to cover both Thanksgiving and Christmas.

 

Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

Like Jingle Bells this one makes no mention of any holiday but it’s often included in the mix of Christmas songs because of its association with winter. It was written by lyricist Sammy Cahn and composer Jule Styne while they were wishing for cooler weather in the midst of a July heatwave, and released just after Thanksgiving in 1945. And what would be better, amidst all the stress of holiday shopping and travel, than having no place to go?

 

Frosty The Snowman

Frosty may not be in any way related to Christmas but, like Rudolph The Reindeer, he is a magical character whose TV specials were used to fill time when the kids were out of school and the networks needed some way to draw in an audience. I’m including it because it’s a catchy song and fun for kids, and the Jimmy Durante version proves that even if you have a voice like a cement mixer all that matters is whether you can carry a tune.

 

Winter Wonderland

Most of the songs on this list, I realize, fall into the category of “Christmas by association” which is why whether they’re “Christmas songs” or not is debatable. However you celebrate Christmas, and even if you don’t celebrate it, the nights leading up to the end of the year are long and cold, unless you’re in Australia, so it’s nice to have a happy song about walking along with someone you love and building a snowman.

 

Home Among The Gumtrees

This one has absolutely no association with any holiday whatsoever but I figured Australia deserved something even though they get to have Christmas right in the middle of summer. Also it’s just a really catchy tune.

 

Do You Want To Build A Snowman?

Whether or not Frozen is a Christmas movie can still be hotly debated but I like the movie and I like the song, probably because I don’t have kids and haven’t been subjected to it five or six times a day for ten years. But maybe the holiday season is one time when parents should get a break from it.

 

The Boar’s Head Carol

This one is largely forgotten but could be considered a Christmas song because it originated from Yuletide tradition. Cutting off a pig’s head and serving it at a feast seems like a really dark way to celebrate the holiday but, hey, it’s a dark time of year, right?

 

We Three Kings

This is unquestionably a Christmas song, a musical telling of the story of the three wise men who brought gold, which is gold, frankincense, which is a fragrant resin, and myrrh, which might be some kind of dangerous animal, or did I dream that? Anyway it doesn’t seem to be played as much as it was when I was a kid but I like the way it goes from a minor key to a major one. That seems like a metaphor for the solstice which marks when the days start getting longer again.

 

Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song

This is unquestionably not a Christmas song, as shown by the title, but Hanukkah often falls late in the year, sometimes overlapping with Christmas. In 2024 it begins at sunset on December 25th. Also I just think there should be special recognition for a song that rhymes “Jingle Bell Rock” with “Captain Kirk and Mister Spock”.

 

What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?

I’m pretty sure there’s something about Christmas in this one somewhere because no one can understand a word of it. And it’s just a really catchy tune.

American Graffiti., Quick Takes., Submitted For Your Approval., The Weekly Essay

Here Comes The Sun.

Author: December 3, 2024 6 Comments

A wave of bitter cold swept through, well, everywhere, apparently. I hadn’t been watching the news because I’ve been on vacation, so I’ve missed the weather forecasts. Being on vacation also meant I didn’t get dressed until well after the sun was up, and even then I could just pull on a sweatshirt and jeans. Coming back to work I have to put on a button-down shirt and jeans because there’s at least some flexibility in the office dress code. It’s better than when I was a customer service agent for the trucking industry. The dress code there required slacks, a dress shirt, and a tie so I’d at least look nice while I sat at a desk and answered the phone all day.

The cold weather outside was made even worse by the fact that the building maintenance staff turned off the heat over Thanksgiving. The person in charge of maintenance believes it’s cheaper and more efficient to turn off the heat on holidays and weekends, and since the maintenance office has a separate heating system they don’t have to come into an office that’s fifty degrees Fahrenheit—that’s ten degrees Celsius—first thing on Monday morning.

At least I feel lucky that where I am the bitter cold held off until December, with the days only now getting noticeably shorter. I left for work in the dark, after scraping flowers of frost from the windshield, and was greeted by the sun through the buildings. And then, in the evening, when I came home in the dark, I was greeted by snow.

Adventures In Busing., Quick Takes.

Really Rough Drafts.

Author: November 15, 2024 6 Comments

Notes From The Journals Of Mother Goose

Who does Muffet think she’s fooling? She didn’t drag a mattress out to her garden just to sit on it and eat cottage cheese. Probably airing it out after all the use it’s gotten if you know what I mean. Boy is she gonna be surprised when she realizes what’s crawled into that thing.

 

Met a guy from Ives. What a character! He’s been married seven times. How’s that even legal? Every one of his wives had a bunch of bags filled with cats. People from Ives are so weird.

 

Don’t tease your pets. I’m gonna laugh so hard when old Hubbard’s dog bites the shit out of her.

 

Farm animals got loose again. Seriously where’s the kid with the horn? Probably suffocated under that haystack. I hope.

 

That black sheep is pumping out wool like crazy. It’s nice the owner’s got enough to give away bags of it to pretty much everybody but seriously anything that gets knitted from that wool is probably gonna be cursed.

 

Pease porridge? More like please take this porridge, hot or cold, and bury it. That mess has been there for over a week and even the rats won’t go near it.

 

Told Jack and Jill to be careful but did they listen? Noooo. What kind of asshole puts a well at the top of a hill anyway?

 

London Bridge has been shut down AGAIN. I say we stop paying for its upkeep, sell it to Arizona or something.

 

Sixpence is a pretty good price for a pie but, look, you just stuck a crust on top of a bunch of live birds and no one wants to eat that. Oh, wait, royalty. That explains it.

 

Went by a house built to look like a shoe. If that wasn’t weird enough the place was packed with kids. I guess we know who wears the pants in that family and it’s not the husband because he never has time to put ‘em on. People from Ives, man.

 

I get that a screaming baby can make anyone a little crazy but you stuck the cradle on a tree branch. What did you think would happen JILL?

 

Swear I saw a cow jump over the moon. Dog’s laughing, cat’s got a fiddle, and now all the dinnerware is running crazy. Tell me you didn’t feed me that pease porridge.

 

Always thought Mary’s garden was a little eccentric but nice. The cockle shells added minerals or something and the silver bells were pretty when the wind blew. But who’d have guessed she murdered three milkmaids and buried them in a row? No surprise she’s from Ives.

Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., Submitted For Your Approval., The Weekly Essay

Something For Everyone.

Author: October 31, 2024 3 Comments

For three years now people on my street have managed to block, or at least restrict, traffic for a couple of hours so families and kids can wander up and down trick-or-treating safely. It’s been a great event and a nice chance to meet people who live in my neighborhood—sometimes people from nearby streets come over, and the more the merrier. Rather than making anyone walk all the way down our fairly long driveway in the dark I set up a table with a bowl of candy and a lantern and set off on my own, trusting any takers to follow the honor system. The ideal bowl of candy, I think, should have a good mix—a little something for everyone. There’s an assortment of chocolate but because not everyone can have chocolate I make sure there are plenty of non-chocolate sweets.

And since not everyone can have candy last year I added stickers to the mix, hoping, again, that trick-or-treaters will follow the honor system and the ones who can have candy will take it and leave the other goodies for those who can’t. Last year when I came back to check the stickers were the first things to go—all that was left was a few lollipops and those eventually got picked up too. I was glad because, while it’s nice to have a little leftover Halloween candy, I really don’t need it.

Source: Yarn

This year I’ll be including something special at the very bottom of the bowl. The worst thing I think could happen to any trick-or-treater is going away empty handed and I want them to know that good things come to those who are late.

With that it’s time for Halloween though, as always, the last word goes to Lou Reed.

Adventures In Busing., American Graffiti., Happy Birthday., Quick Takes., Ramble With Me., Submitted For Your Approval., The Vault

Old School.

Author: May 2, 2024 4 Comments

Source: FOBO (Fromoldbooks.org)

Grammar mnemonics and rules I found written down in a notebook from 7th grade that I had completely forgotten:

I before E except after C and when it sounds like “a” as in “neighbor” and “weigh”.

And also when it sounds like “i” as in “heist” and “Fahrenheit”.

And also for some reason when it sounds like “e” as in “protein”, which is weird.

 

Never end a sentence with a preposition unless the sentence ends with “a preposition.

 

Confusing “who” and “whom” is really the worst

So never ever ask “Whom’s on first?”

 

Be more or less specific and decisive if that’s okay with you.

 

“I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”—Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

“Gray” is spelled with an “a”

Except in Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and also the UK.

 

“Color” and “flavor” are spelled without “u”

Except outside the United States, pretty much anywhere you’d want to go to.

 

A noun is a person, place, thing, or idea, but it seems like ideas should get a category of their own.

 

“Sesquipidalian” should be replaced with something that sounds less like a deep sea animal.

 

Splitting infinitives is to usually be avoided.

 

A “dessert” has twice as much sugar as a “desert” if your dessert is sugar-free because deserts don’t have any sugar at all.

 

A “principle” is a rule or belief, a “principal” is a school leader who pretends to be your pal to maintain the status quo, and Victoria Principal wasn’t the one who shot J.R., was she?

 

Most sentences are subject-verb-object and “subject”, “verb”, and “object” are three nouns that really need a category of their own.

 

The “b” in “subtle” is pretty much what it says it is.

 

Now you know how to tow two toes.

 

Double negatives should never not be used.

 

Similes are like metaphors but different.

 

The only rule that has no exceptions is the rule that there’s an exception to every rule.

 

No one remembers who Mnemosyne is.

Source: Imgur

Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., The Weekly Essay

Annual Report: 2023/2024.

Author: April 1, 2024 4 Comments

April 2023-Staff assembled in the conference room to mark the occasion of the 28th year of Freethinkers Anonymous and to try and answer the question, What are we doing here? There are a lot of excellent blogs out there on a wide variety of topics that, thankfully, are still going while others, sadly, have dropped off. If anything makes Freethinkers Anonymous distinctive it’s longevity. What started as a random assortment of jokes emailed to a distribution list has grown into something resembling an internet landfill. It predated and survived the dot-com boom and, like those early internet companies, has never had a plan, purpose, or profit. On this note everyone cheered and went back to work.

May 2023-Staff assembled in the conference room to mark the occasion of the 28th year of Freethinkers Anonymous before realizing we just did that, but since no one had gotten any work done in the last month everyone cheered and went back to work.

June 2023-Everyone remembered that every year there’s a vague plan to sample as many local milkshakes as possible to try and determine the best one. And every year an argument breaks out over what defines “local”. Or whether it should be limited to ice cream places since a lot of restaurants serve milkshakes. There was also a side discussion of how some years the plan is to sample every gyro to determine the best one in the area which would be a lot easier, and another side discussion of how to define “best” and a further side discussion of what the definition of “ersatz” is but no one could remember how that came up in the first place.

July 2023-Work was put on hold for the 4th of July. Also July 1st, since it’s Canada Day, and also the 2nd through 3rd of July, and everyone just called in sick from the 5th through 13th. Then everyone took off for Bastille Day, and planned to get back by July 20th, but that’s National Moon Walk Day, and the 21st is National Creme Brulee Day and of course everyone had to celebrate that, as well as the 26th which is National Coffee Milkshake Day, and finally everyone made a solemn vow to get back to work at the start of the next month.

August 2023-Toată lumea și-a amintit brusc că acum vreo douăzeci de ani ne-am propus să învățăm limba Romanian. Nimeni nu-și putea aminti de ce și, în loc să se întoarcă prin arhive, toată lumea a decis să se întoarcă la muncă.

September 2023-Side effects include swelling, brusing, pain or tenderness, itching, dizziness, fainting, blisters, lumps, hives, bee hives, drowsiness, headache, insomnia, autodidacticism, nocturnal cake baking, dehydration, foaming of the ears, hair growth on furniture, and spontaneous decomposition. Seek medical help immediately if you become ersatz.

October 2023-The staff Halloween party was such a great success it lasted the entire month. This year the theme was “Aposematism” and resulted in several people being hospitalized.

November 2023-Staff assembled in the conference room to discuss whether “No Shave November” should be celebrated. Everyone agreed that it should but that staff would only grow sideburns. This led to a discussion of why they’re called “sideburns” since no one wants burns on their face, not even on the sides. Large sideburns are also called “muttonchops” but this was considered problematic for vegans and causing potential copyright warnings from the estate of Shari Lewis. Staff finally unanimously agreed that from now on sideburns should be called “earbrows”.

December 2023-The preponderance of holidays in the month of December meant no one got any work done.

January 2024-Recovering from the preponderance of holidays in the month of December meant no one got any work done.

February 2024-Staff assembled in the conference room to begin the disassembly of a jigsaw puzzle everyone had been working on for over a year. This proved surprisingly challenging as no one could decide whether we should start from the center or go out or from a corner and work inward, and if we did go in from a corner which one should be start with? Finally everyone decided the best solution was to just flip the table over.

March 2024-Staff assembled in the conference room as Freethinkers Anonymous prepared to start its 29th year. The team leader reminded everyone he’d read something once about how the average life of a blog is three years and the realization that we’d almost but not quite gone ten times that put everyone in a somber mood. All things must come to an end, even things without a plan or purpose. And yet it was decided unanimously that Freethinkers Anonymous would go on for another year. On that note everyone cheered and went back to work.

https://media3.giphy.com/media/AxVvk3UlCVPiPxtGLK/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b9527bfmkxwmt1t066j2so3jrrgcc0lssdr7b163qftp&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g

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