This May Be The Laziest Thing I’ve Ever Done.
Several years ago I saw this headboard and thought it was a terrible idea.
Why is it a terrible idea? Because when you’re in bed there are just certain things you don’t want to hear:
“That’s very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.”
“We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.”
“Santa’s going to whimper like a whipped pup.”
“Make my muscle car prune colored.”
“Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!”
“This is where my tongue lives.”
“I need to know what not to do on a date!”
“So can I split your top and butter your buns?”
“This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he’s pleasing.”
“This time, don’t make so much noise when you ‘read.’”
“I don’t make threats, Mr. Fingal, only promises. And a great pork roll!”
“He tried to kill me with a forklift!”
“You have fingers. I like that in a man.”
“Do you know that I have little bunnies painted on my knees?”
“Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!”
“Oh, and “go Packers” too, but mostly burn the witch.”
“Some carrots are frozen. Some carrots are humiliated publicly.”
“Watch out for snakes!”
“I’ve got a mantis in my pantis.”
“Just puttin’ the salmon balls away.”
“He takes on a series of strange body habits…wears toast in his pants…”
“No springs? I don’t care. There’s still butter and meatloaf.”
“Jiminy, thinks Johnny, if only I could get a ride in one of those.”
“The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech…after the human nipple.”
“Oh, the previous tenant didn’t flush.”
“Kids’ brains always taste better when they’ve been thinking about donuts.”
“Trumpy, no!”
And, of course:
“Well, there it is. Spankings all around then.”
If you need me I’ll be in bed.
