It’s been a while since I was last in a movie theater and I’m not quite ready to go back to one just yet even though I’d really like to. It seems hard to justify going to a theater when I have an overabundance of movies (not to mention TV shows, documentaries, and, oh yeah, I’ve got a few books too) but I love the experience of going to the theater and sitting in the dark with strangers. There’s the smell of popcorn, having my ticket torn, the process of finding just the right seat. Things happen in movie theaters that could never happen at home, like the time I went to see Pulp Fiction and a couple behind me got into an argument about whether they’d seen Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta together on TV and it was so weird I thought it might actually be part of the movie. Or there was the time I went to see the 2011 film The Thing, which was a prequel to the 1982 film The Thing, which was described as a remake of the 1951 film The Thing From Another World but was actually closer to the source material, the 1938 novella Who Goes There? written by John W. Campbell. Anyway the 2011 film ends with an exact recreation of the opening of the 1982 film and as the credits rolled and Ennio Morricone’s haunting score played all of us in the theater—all seven of us, since it was a box office dud—gathered in front of the screen and had an impromptu film discussion.
And when a friend started sending me terrible parody film posters from a Twitter account devoted solely to the worst of the worst it just made me want to go to a theater even more. Even the worst real movie couldn’t be as bad as any of these, right?
Source: @AWFULfanPOSTERS
Source: @AWFULfanPOSTERS
Source: @AWFULfanPOSTERS
Source: @AWFULfanPOSTERS
Especially terrifying are the sequels that seem like they really could be made.
Source: @AWFULfanPOSTERS
And, you know, there are some I would actually like to see. Seriously. Sometimes what starts off as parody crosses over into something potentially good.
Source: @AWFULfanPOSTERS
And speaking of movies that should be real I think we can all agree that the only thing wrong with this reimagining of Calvin And Hobbes is that it isn’t a real full-length movie playing in theaters everywhere.
I left a bag of plums in the break room refrigerator. Someone ate them even though the bag was clearly marked with my name on it. They were there for after my morning run. THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. Show some respect, people. I don’t want to place blame unfairly but I think whoever did it left their red wheelbarrow out next to the chickens.
From: bill.c.williams@ passaicgen.com
To: elsa.hildegard@ passaicgen.com
Subject: RE: Plums!!!
This is just to say
I’m sorry. I have eaten the plums
That you were probably saving for breakfast.
Forgive me. They were delicious,
And I thought they were like the Girl Scout cookies
You brought last week.
From: elsa.hildegard@ passaicgen.com
To: elsa.hildegard@ passaicgen.com
Subject: RE: Plums!!!
Okay, Bill, I forgive you, but seriously learn to indent.
From D. Thomas, in the cubicle next to yours:
A Refusal To Mourn Your Departure From The Office
Do not go gentle into retirement,
It’s still too soon for your 401(k).
Now, now, go tell the boss he should get bent.
Your final e-mail has been typed and sent,
You’ve had a cake, and it’s the end of day.
Do not go gentle into retirement,
Now, now, go tell the boss he should get bent.
Coming Up:
Charles Dodgson, L.C., offers advice on wooing celebrity investors in “The Hunting Of The Shark”
Elizabeth Bishop’s instructions on dealing with corporate bankruptcy with “The Art Of Losing”
Walt Whitman contains multitudes, because he’s offering sweet deals on office space.
I have a rare album: Rex Harrison[1] Sings Billy Idol[2].
Explanation: There’s at least one other person who finds this funny, although I texted this to him one night with no other explanation after I’d had a couple of beers and, since it was a Friday night, I’m sure he’d had a few too and at that point just about anything is funny, and I still kind of wonder why I didn’t say I had an album of Brian Blessed singing Cyndi Lauper which, let’s face it, would have been almost as funny.
Annotation: Rex Harrison was hopeless as a singer but regularly cast in musicals, most famously the 1967 film version of Doctor Dolittle. He developed a style of “speech singing”, essentially talking his way through songs. Billy Idol, on the other hand, has both a broad vocal range and a much cooler haircut.
Explanation: This one is a you-had-to-be-there kind of joke although I bet there are a lot of historians who get why this is funny. There are literally dozens of different designs for what’s basically a blade and some pointy things on the end of a stick, each with their own specific name and it just makes me laugh to imagine a knight saying to his squire, “Hey, I asked for a bec de corbin and you brought me a ranseur!”
I put a quarter in a Wurlitzer[4] and pita bread stuffed with thin-sliced roasted and seasoned lamb[5] popped out.
Explanation: This came to me one night when I was on my way to get some Greek takeout food and I was kind of embarrassed because I couldn’t tell the guy behind the counter why I was laughing so hard without sounding like a lunatic.
Annotation: Foreigner’s album 4, first released in 1981, has proven to be one of their longest lasting, with the second track, an ode to a young boy who is unable to buy a concert ticket but, hearing a guitar, becomes a musician himself, is considered by critics to be the best song in their entire catalog.
Explanation: I was watching a nature documentary and an aardvark came on and started digging into a termite mound and I couldn’t stop laughing because I’d never realized before that they’re basically giant long-tailed pigs with bunny ears.
Annotation: Aardvarks share a common ancestor with elephants, manatees, and hyraxes, none of which any rational person finds funny.
Explanation: This is a bit dark but my lifelong love of fairy tales has prompted me to write alternate versions of several, including Hansel and Gretel, and I think it would be weirdly funny is the kids figured out their parents were planning to abandon them and took matters into their own hands and maybe got adopted by the witch.
Cans of mixed nuts.
Explanation: It’s not so much the nuts as the conversations I imagine them having. Hazelnuts[8] would call each other “Phil” and “Bert”, pecans[9] would speak with a Southern accent, and Brazil nuts[10] would speak German.
Annotation: Most commercially available nut mixes also include peanuts, almonds, and cashews, none of which are funny.
Explanation: Actually not funny at all, not even to me, and I think I’ve established that I’ve got a really weird sense of humor, but at this point I’m just trying to pad out the list.
Annotation: In high school I knew guys taking computer classes who’d get really excited about making spreadsheets. This was the ‘80’s and it just goes to show how much of a novelty computers were that something accounting-related could actually seem exciting.
Explanation: It’s always funny to me when someone throws something weird and seemingly random into a list.
The word “swab”
Explanation: There are plenty of weird words that just sound funny to me but “swab” is my go-to when someone asks for an example. Maybe it’s because I think of pirates swabbing the decks but it could just as easily be because cotton swabs tickle the insides of my ears.
Annotation: The origins of the word “swab” date to at least the mid-17th century when it originally meant a mop made of rope yarn, ultimately derived from the Swedish “svabba”, meaning “a dirty person”, and why the Swedish needed a specific word for a dirty person is a mystery.
Ridiculously long titles.
Explanation: None needed.
Annotation: See above.
Footnotes follow.
1-An English stage and screen actor (b.1908-d.1990)
2-An English musician, singer, and songwriter (b.1955, d. probably several times because, you know, rock stars)
3-A weapon consisting of a blade attached to a long wooden staff
4-A brand name of jukebox.
5-A sandwich commonly known as a “gyro”, sold as Greek or Middle Eastern cuisine.
6-Scientific name Orycteropus afer, an insectivorous mammal whose range extends across much of Africa.
7-The child protagonists of a German fairy tale of medieval origin first published by the Brothers Grimm in 1812.
8-Nuts produced by the hazel tree (scientific name Corylus avellana), hazelnuts are also known as “filberts” and now we’re just over-explaining the joke.
9-Nuts produced by a subspecies of hickory (scientific name Carya illinoinensis)
10-Not technically a nut but rather a seed from a South American tree (scientific name Bertholletia excelsa)
11-A computer application used for storing, sorting, organizing, and analyzing data in the form of a table.
Sometimes art critics have to clarify and even defend the importance of a work of art, to explain its cultural relevance. Not every work of art is understood or appreciated in its time but most had at least one defender who wasn’t the artist who tried to get the work the attention it deserved. And sometimes they just have to say, HEY, NOT MUCH I CAN SAY BUT THIS THING IS AWESOME AND YOU REALLY SHOULD LOOK AT IT.
And you may notice the Library of Congress website has regular technical difficulties which would normally be annoying but somehow they managed to make that funny too.
An Irish pub in Spain is banning the classic singalong song “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond to keep its patrons safer…A photo posted by the pub’s owner Linda Carroll showed the sign explaining the decision: “Due to COVID-19 ‘Sweet Caroline’ is banned. There will be no: touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you.”
Schadenfreude (German)-Taking pleasure in the misery of others.
Pochemuchka (Russian)-A highly inquisitive person
Tsundoku (Japanese)-The practice of purchasing books you will probably never read, allowing them to pile up
Desvelado (Spanish)-Being deprived of sleep
Çrregullt (Albanian)-The guilt that comes when someone asks you what seems like a stupid question but when you try to answer it you realize it’s really pretty complicated
Hendelseshorisont (Norwegian)-When you become old enough to realize that most of the original Star Trek episodes were really terrible
Tàirneanaich (Scottish)-When you’ve been inside all day and you finally get a break and step out for some fresh air and it immediately starts raining
Oorworm (Dutch)-The frustration that comes from having a song stuck in your head but you can’t really remember the words
Jageugje (Korean)-Annoyance with yourself when you’ve been handling spicy food with your fingers and then you rub your eyes
Vad är det här (Swedish)-When you’re looking through your desk drawer for something and you find a bag of leftover pieces of furniture you put together
Yangın işareti (Turkish)-The motions you go through when someone asks to see your passport which you’re sure you had just a minute ago
Orologio da abbuffata (Italian)-The certainty when you’ve been binge watching a TV show that you must have skipped something because there’s no way you’re already halfway through season five
Mehukas juoru (Finnish)-The realization when you’re halfway through sharing some gossip that it’s about the person you’re talking to
Qese Çaji (Albanian)-When you’re on your way somewhere and you have to turn around and go home because you’re certain you left something on the stove
Jen vtip (Czech)-The desire to punch someone who insists on dropping foreign phrases into conversation
Urmărindofurtună (Romanian)-Surprise when watching a weather report on the news that there’s a town with a funny name you’ve never heard of before that’s actually pretty near where you live, and you start thinking, “Maybe I should visit Bugtussle.”
Ințepătură de Cornet (Romanian)-Small town in the region of Transylvania whose name roughly translates as “Bugtussle”
Fourth of July celebrations around the United States usually mean dazzling displays of pyrotechnics, but with social distancing and people limiting their movement many may stay inside and binge watch so it’s time for a pop quiz!
Fireworks or Buddy Cop film?
1. Hot Fuzz 2. Point Break 3. Bad Boys 4. Turner And Hooch 5. Tuggy Huggy 6. A Gnome Named Gnorm 7. Big Explosion 8. Three Minute Blaze Of Glory 9. Lethal Weapon 10. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! 11. Furious Flamingo 12. Terms Of Endearment 13. Sixteen Blocks 14. Emoji Spinners 15. Ground Bloom Flower Brick 16. Men In Black 17. Buffy The Vampire Slayer 18. Dragnet 19. Penguin Mama 20. The Glimmer Man 21. Croc Rock 22. Midnight Run 23. Killer Chihuahua 24. Osmosis Jones 25. Donkey Balls
Scoring: More than 20–You’re a Hollywood special effects technician with a business card that says “I blow shit up for a living.” You burned down your high school.
15-20–For reasons only you can explain you double majored in film studies and chemistry and still have most of your fingers. You burned down your parents’ garage.
10-14–You like movies and always find the best parking spot for your local Fourth Of July celebration. You’re in charge of the fire when camping.
5-9–You watch your local Fourth Of July celebration on the morning news on the fifth of July. You burn yourself on the stove every time you cook.
1-4–Soup commercials make you cry and you once burned yourself with a glow stick.
