Annual Report: 2022/2023
April 2022-Things got off to a rocky start when someone said, “Hey, remember pet rocks?” This sent everyone off into a research project that uncovered, among other things, the fact that there was an official “Pet Rock” invented by an advertising executive and sold in a cardboard box with ventilation holes in 1975. Most staff old enough to remember the fad thought pet rocks were just rocks that people found and gave to each other as a joke in the mid-‘70’s. The fad was briefly revived by the film Everything Everywhere All At Once. A discussion of whether or not pet rocks should have googly eyes attached quickly degenerated into everyone sticking googly eyes on everything.
May 2022-Most of staff time was dedicated to removing googly eyes from everything following complaints that the office looked “like a Marty Feldman convention”.
June 2022-The opening of a gyro truck on a nearby corner prompted staff to debate whether there are enough gyro places around to try and find the best one in Nashville. Some staff argued in favor of pizza with others saying pizza is too quotidian, which in turn prompted responses that it was just a gratuitous excuse to say “quotidian”.
July 2022-A debate over whether the word “gratuitous” can ever be gratuitous ended with staff going out for milkshakes.
August 2022-A spider was found in the offices. It quickly captured and gently placed outside by the team leader who described himself as “an arachnophile”. This led to everyone else laughing for at entire week while the team leader kept repeating, “I just mean I really like spiders! What is wrong with all of you?”
September 2022-This seemed like a good time to take a shower.
October 2022-Staff decided to take a ghost tour of the offices which meant everyone going through file cabinets looking for the oldest things they could find. The winner was a dot matrix printout of Umberto Eco’s short essay on the difference between DOS computers and Apple’s Macintosh in which he said “I am firmly of the opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is Protestant.” The printout was then respectfully burned and staff swore they saw Joan Rivers in the smoke.
November 2022-Staff member Joe Bertman came into the office singing Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer” but he couldn’t remember the words so he just kept singing, “Whoa, we’re half way there, whoa, half way there, take my hand ‘cause we’re half way there, whoa, half way there…” over and over again. No one was able to accomplish anything for the rest of the month because we all had the song stuck in our heads.
December 2022-The holiday break was celebrated by everyone getting together because none of us could remember what we were taking a break from.
January 2023-Everyone celebrated getting back together to go back to work because no one could remember exactly what that work is.
February 2023-Staff member Joe Bertman came into the office singing Adriano Celentano’s “Prisencolinensinainciusol” and no one was able to accomplish anything for the rest of the month because we all wondered how he managed to memorize it.
March 2023-Everyone celebrated the end of another successful year. No one could remember what exactly defined “success” was but after a thorough review of the year’s notes everyone agreed it was probably quotidian and gratuitous.