Not Non-Fiction

Bob: All right, we’re back from the break. Ray, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a game like this, but that’s the beauty of the playoffs. We really get to see some very different teams go up against each other.

Ray: Don’t I know it. If you’re just tuning in it’s William Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying playing against Lewis Carrol’s Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland. The score is currently tied at the bottom of the ninth with the Wonderlands taking the field. And…wait a minute! Yes! The Queen of Hearts is coming out to pitch.

Bob: Listen to that crowd. They really love her here.

Ray: She’s the best closer they’ve ever had. Can you believe there was talk of trading her to Wuthering Heights?

Bob: Yeah, they’ve needed a good closer since Heathcliff has been on the DL with a torn tricep.

Ray: Vardaman is now coming up to the plate. You know we’ve talked about how interesting it is that he uses a bat shaped life a fish.

Bob: And he’s a switch hitter. Looks like he’s going to be batting left-handed since it’s the Queen pitching. And here comes the pitch…it’s up…looks like a foul. That’s one strike for Vardaman. Looks like the Queen is really brushing off the catcher.

Ray: Can’t have anything to do with him being mad as a March hare can it?

Bob: Well, since he is…wow! Line drive right down the center! Vardaman is running to first. The Mad Hatter has it. He throws it to the Caterpillar at first base, but too late. Vardaman is safe at first.

Ray: The Dying have shown a really strong offense this year. Earlier this month they did amazingly well winning two out of three games in their series against Edith Wharton’s Ethan Frome.

Bob: Dewey Dell is coming up to bat now. She has a current average of .225, with a strikeout in the second and a ground out in the seventh.

Ray: And the first pitch is a strike! Wait a minute. Coach Vernon Tull is taking the field to talk to the umpire about that call.

Bob: The umpire is Stephen Dedalus who was a right fielder for James Joyce’s Ulysses, and before that played first base for Portrait of the Artist As A Young Man.

Ray: Right. And this is Coach Tull’s last challenge of the game.

Bob: You played with Stephen Dedalus, didn’t you Ray?

Ray: Yeah, he and I both played as substitutes for Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. I was filling in for left-fielder Grandpa George in that big matchup against The Epic of Gilgamesh.

Bob: They had a substitution too, didn’t they? I think I remember their shortstop the Bull of Heaven was out that game.

Ray: Right, Phil Rizzuto was substituting.

Bob: Anyway Coach Tull is done talking to the umpire now. It looked like a pretty clear strike. I wouldn’t have wasted a challenge on that if I were him.

Ray: I know. It looks like he’s going back to the dugout now. He’s pretty steamed. Look at the replay.

Bob: Here comes the next pitch. It’s a ball…and another ball…and a strike. Even count. And it’s another ball.

Ray: Do you think the Queen is going to walk Dewey?

Bob: Well she’s only walked eleven of the last seventy players she’s pitched against. Seven of those were in the three-game series against Herman Melville’s Moby Dick.

Ray: Another ball! Dewey will go to first and Vardaman advances to second. No outs.

Bob: We should take this opportunity to point out that all players are wearing the number twenty-four today in memory of Hall of Famer Odysseus.

Ray: Doctor Peabody is coming up to bat now. He’s one for three with a solo home run in the third. Here’s the pitch. Strike!

Bob: Looks like the change-up really threw him there.

Ray: Strike two! And that’s another swing and a miss and Doctor Peabody has struck out. That gives the Dying their first out of the inning. Darl Dell is now coming up to bat.

Bob: Darl has a .195 average. With two on and one out and Wonderland ahead by two he’s in a position to make a big difference in this game.

Ray: Swing and a miss. That’s one ball, one strike. There’s the pitch. It’s a high fly to left field! The Mad Hatter drifts back! He catches it! And Darl is out.

Bob: Two out and two on base. And Coach Alice is going to the mound now. The March Hare and the Cheshire Cat are coming over. The White Rabbit is coming too. He’s been warming up in the bullpen. You don’t think Alice is going to take out the Queen this late in the game, do you?

Ray: Coach Alice makes some surprising choices. Remember she substituted Humpty Dumpty for the Gryphon in that matchup against Dante’s Divine Comedy.

Bob: Addie Bundren is at the plate now. Being in a coffin hasn’t hurt her at all. She’s still hitting a solid .301.

Ray: High pop to left field! It’s a foul.

Bob: Addie had the other home run in the fifth to bring Reverend Whitfield home. And there’s a hit! She’s running to first! The Cheshire Cat has the ball. He throws to the Caterpillar! And Addie Bundren is out.

Ray: Vardaman has moved to third and Dewey Dell is on second now with two outs.

Bob: Cora Tull comes to the plate now. This could be the Dying’s chance to at least tie up the game.

Ray: Ball one. Cora let that go right by. Ball two. The White Rabbit is really throwing wide. You don’t think he’ll walk her, do you?

Bob: And load the bases? Strike one! Strike two! Oh! The White Rabbit just threw to the Dormouse at second and picked off Dewey Dell! That’s the game!

Ray: Lucky he wasn’t asleep. Alice in Wonderland wins the game. They’ll go on now to play against Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.

Bob: With the narrator of Edgar Allan Poe’s The Tell-Tale Heart filling in as the starting pitcher that’ll be an interesting game.

Ray: Don’t I know it.

The following is a work of fiction, unlike some of the other things I write which are no more than 70-75% made up.

Another day another crappy hotel. I didn’t even know if it was Illinois or Iowa. Maybe I’d make a note of it when I got back to the airport. Never did before. Same thin olive carpet underfoot, same conference room at the end of the hall past the lobby. The location of the lounge, pool, and restaurant were the only things that changed. Not even that much, except when we stayed in that medieval themed hotel in Kentucky. I remember we met in the Grendel room. Who was Grendel? Somebody I forgot since school. I’d done this two dozen times, and what did I have to show? Seven thousand two hundred dollars and a shitload of frequent flier miles I’d never use. Oh, I mean crap load. Sorry Lucy.

I didn’t take it because it was an easy job, but it was. I filed in with the other potential customers. Max gave his selling pitch, and I’d try to stay awake. Sometimes I’d carry a notebook and make a note every time he said “Silverskin”. Or if I was really knocked every time he said “and”. Or every time he walked back and forth on the stage.

“I’m not here to sell Silverskin skincare products!” was part of the start. “I’m here to get you started Silverskin skincare products! And if you do what I say every one of you could earn a thousand dollars a month. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” And off he’d go. I could tell by looking at the faces around me that he didn’t need to do much to sell them the stuff. That’s what he was doing even if he thought he was really in the business of making middlemen. Maybe he even believed that “I make people rich!” button he wore on his jacket. And the stuff wasn’t too bad. Same as the expensive stuff, I guess, but not made by a company big enough to make it famous. Max always told me that wasn’t why he was selling it to regular people. “These people aren’t chumps,” he told me in one of our private meetings. Maybe he really believed that. And like I say the stuff wasn’t too bad. At my age I don’t give a rat’s…I don’t care what I look like but I dipped into the free samples he gave me. The exfoliant was weird, like oily sandpaper. I don’t know what that was supposed to do. The wrinkle cream seemed like it helped the bags under my eyes. None of it smelled bad either. That’s what made me put it up. It reminded me of Lucy. I wish she’d been around to try it. She was sensitive to smells and things like that. Allergies even though she worked in the yard every day she could. Maybe it was just the synthetic stuff that made her break out. I watched her pull poison ivy with her bare hands. I didn’t think I could do that but I thought I’d help her out when I retired. Plant whatever flowers she liked. She only bought annuals because she liked the planting. Then just after I retired the cancer came. Her friends and even our kids told me she was lucky it was quick. I wanted to tell them they didn’t know jack shit, but Lucy wouldn’t have liked that. “Keep it clean, Mike,” she would tell me. So I didn’t say it. I have more respect for her than they do. And I cut them some slack. They don’t know what it was like to sit in an empty house. It’s why I started working for Max.

He liked to be very cloak and dagger about the whole thing. We traveled in separate cars, mapped out different routes to the hotels. We never arrived at the same time and always stayed on separate floors. If I wanted to eat I had to go out. The farther from the hotel the better. Or get room service. The day of the meeting I had to leave early, take a cab to the bus station, then bum around and take a bus back to the hotel. Camouflage. Max wanted me to look local. I didn’t see the point but I played along. He was paying the piper, and it tickled me a little.

Once he sold them the idea of Silverskin skin care products he really started in on what they wanted to hear. He sold how to sell. How to greet, how to get invited in, never put your foot in the door. Standard tips that would be in the manual too, but he wouldn’t tell them that. Then once he got the basics he started in on the psychology angle. “It’s called the mirror trick. If the person you’re talking to crosses their legs you cross your legs. If they scratch their nose you scratch yours. Not right away, but within thirty seconds. And keep it subtle. You want to avoid them thinking you’re copying them if you can. And if they say ‘Are you doing what I’m doing?’ or ‘Are you mimicking me?” don’t panic. Do not panic. Laugh. Laugh and say ‘I was about to ask you the same thing!’”

Sometimes this would get a laugh. Sometimes it didn’t. It was what he said that was my signal. I raised my hand. He’d be looking the other way then he’d look at me. And he’d look confused. Did it really well. Between you and me I still don’t think he’s too bright. He would say, “Yes sir?” and I’d stand up.

“I have a degree in psychology and I’ve worked in the field for more than forty years, and what you’re saying is one of the best kept secrets there is. Psychologists know about these techniques and they don’t want regular folks to know them. Thank you for sharing them.” Max would look impressed and he’d thank me as I sat down.

“Thank you sir,” he’d say. “I learned these tricks from a psychologist. They’re a proven way to build up trust with a new customer, and I’m sharing them because I want every person in this room to succeed.”

I had a degree in psychology from a state school. The “field” I’d worked in was sales, just like Max. Takes one to know one. I just sold lumber instead of skin cream, and worked one on one instead of big rooms. I never did know where Max got the mirror trick. He told me he read it in a psychology book. Maybe he made it up. All that mattered is he got the whole room to line up and spend two hundred bucks on a case of Silverskin skin care products and a manual of the whole sales talk he’d just given. Minus the mirror trick. He kept that for himself. Most he would never hear from again. Selling is harder than they wanted it to be.

Around eleven that night I’d go to Max’s room, give a special knock, and he’d let me in. We’d total up my expenses and tack on my fee. That’s how it went. That’s how it always went.

Part 2 will be published April 10th, 2015.

Scientists land probe on dwarf planet.—News item

“Guys, come here. Check this out.”

“What is it?”

“Dunno. It’s metal. It’s been forged. This is some real quality work. This is beyond anything we could make. Way beyond it.”

“Uh oh.”

“What?”

“They found us.”

“Who found us?”

“I always knew it would happen eventually.”

“Quit stalling and tell us.”

“Remember that girl?”

“Which girl?”

“The one who came and stayed with us for a while. The one who cleaned the house and cooked and stuff.”

“I remember she was a terrible housekeeper. One morning I found a chamber pot in my sock drawer.”

“Yeah, and then she ate that poisoned apple and fell into that deep sleep for, what, a year? Remember how we made that nice case for her? And then we ran her stepmother off a cliff.”

“I haven’t had an apple in ages.”

“Shut up. I thought all that was resolved when that prince kissed her and woke her up and she left.”

“Remember why we left? That crazy stepmother had to have relatives. I knew sooner or later they’d come looking for revenge. That’s what this is. It’s a weapon.”

“Get out of here. No one knows where we are. I didn’t tell anyone where we were going. Did you?”

“No.”

“Did you?”

“No.”

“See? No one could know where we are. There’s no way this is a weapon.”

“What if it is?”

“If ifs and buts were candy and nuts…something something something. I used to know the rest of that. Anyway this doesn’t even look like a weapon.”

“I haven’t had nuts in ages.”

“Shouldn’t we at least be prepared? This could be serious. We could all be in terrible danger. Come on guys, get your picks and axes ready.”

“Hey, that’s not a pick. That’s my leg.”

“And that’s not an axe, that’s my…and wipe that stupid grin off your face! Do we have to take him?”

“We’re not leaving anyone behind. There are only seven of us.”

“Six. Remember? We lost the one who was in a bad mood all the time on the way.”

“Oh, yeah. I still regret cutting him loose.”

“You’re the only one.”

“Hey, look at this. It’s a camera. This isn’t a weapon. It’s just for exploring.”

“You’re sure it’s not spying on us?”

“Don’t be paranoid. Come on guys, line up. Let’s do something fun for the folks back on Earth. Come on, everybody gather around. You—get that stupid grin back on your face. Okay, all together now!”

“CHEESE!!!”

“I haven’t had cheese in ages.”

February 13, 2015

Wexler Candy Company
Valentine’s Day Deluxe Assortment Focus Group Testing
Session CRM-114

Sample 1
Participant response:
Part.2: Oh, I’ve had these before. These are really good.
Part.5: What the classic caramel lacks is a crunch factor to punch it up a bit and make it stand out a bit more.
Part.3: I like it, but it sticks to my teeth too much.

Conclusions: Mixed responses, but overall positive. Recommend continuing to include the classic Maryland caramel in this year’s selection.

Sample 2
Participant response:
Part.7: I love the little sprinkles on the dark chocolate. I just wish they wouldn’t fall off.
Part.2: The round ones are soft on the inside, right? I like those. Sometimes those caramel things are hard to chew. I’ve had fillings come out. Really I have.
Part.3: I feel funny.
Part.1: I like the texture of the inside. Fluffy. Cool, it’s pink! What are these little spots? This is really good.

Conclusions: Overall responses were positive except for Part.3. Emergency services got him to the hospital in time and legal affairs is arranging a settlement. Other participants liked this enough I think it’s worth keeping.

Questions: Do we want to risk including the Dragonfruit whip after what happened? What are the odds? Check with the FDA, see if we need to update warning to "Contains nuts, peanuts, and dragonfruit". We don’t want a repeat of the mocha chewing tobacco debacle.

Sample 3
Participant response:
Part.6: I’m, uh, I’m not a real big fan of nuts, you know? I mean I’m not allergic or anything. Not like that other guy. Hey, does he still get paid?
Part.5: Did you consider white chocolate? That would be a subtler flavor playing off the saltiness of the cashews, really bringing it out.
Part.4: Hey, you know what you should call this? "Cashews Clay"! Har!

Conclusions: Overall positive response. Add the cashew cluster.
Questions: Forward "Cashews Clay" idea to marketing. Possible boxing tie-in?

Sample 4
Participant response:
Part.1: I’m sorry, I don’t care for this. It’s not very sweet.
Part.7: Yeah, if this were the first thing I pulled out of the box it’d be a real turnoff.
Part.5: Maybe it’s us. We might be better off with a sugar-free sherbet or ice as a palate cleanser instead of just bottled water.

Conclusions: Withdraw Bordeaux truffle.
Questions: Put it in the carb-free collection?

Sample 5
Part.1: What is this? I’m afraid to put it in my mouth.
Part.2: (spitting out sample): It tastes like moldy wet onions and smells like raw sewage.
Part.4: Is this a, what do you call it, a control? I just call it nasty.
Part.5: Is this something avant garde?
Part.6: I like the taste, it’s kinda sweet, and custardy, but I don’t know if I can get past the smell.
Part.7: This greenish color is almost as big a turnoff as the smell. Are we supposed to eat it or thin paint with it?

Conclusions: Discontinue durian fruit cordial immediately.

Sample 6
Part.1: This is different. Kind of salty. Is it peanut butter?
Part.7: Yeah, I think it’s peanut butter, but there’s something different about it.
Part.5: It has more umami than you’d expect from a traditional peanut butter, and a spiciness that plays well off the chocolate. The texture is unusual, with a kind of melting quality that’s very nice.

Conclusions: The gravy cream is a success.
Questions: Participant 5 watches too many cooking shows. Guys, can we screen for this sort of thing?

Final conclusions: Implement changes immediately. Have marketing prepare a press release.

Prep the next focus group. This afternoon we’ll have them testing the new line of chocolate-covered sushi.