Not Non-Fiction

This is some party, isn’t it? The Thorns really don’t spare any expense. I’ve been to some of the other events they’ve put on and they always go big, but this is pretty huge even for them. I guess since the kid’s adopted they want to make a big deal out of his first birthday. They’re trying to make him feel welcome and all. I wonder if he’ll even notice it or remember any of it.

I noticed that weird birthmark too! It’s kind of hard to miss. Maybe that’s why Mrs. Thorn keeps putting his little cap back on. Isn’t that cute? You’re right, it does look kind of like a cluster of 9’s. At least it did earlier. Maybe it’ll change as he gets older. His hair will cover it up anyway. You want to hear something weird? That priest thought it looked like something completely different. You know, the priest who was harassing the family a while back. He kept saying it looked like the Roman numerals DCLXVI. He said that even stood for something from Revelations. What a crackpot. That was right before he was killed in that freak accident when a gargoyle fell off his church right on top of him.

Is it just me or do a lot of crazy accidents seem to happen around this kid? No, really, I mean it. Did you hear about his pediatrician? Oh, this is too weird. His pediatrician said the kid had jackal blood. I know, right? I didn’t even know they tested for that sort of thing. I asked my kid’s pediatrician and she thought I was insane. I guess doctors all have different opinions. Anyway right after the pediatrician said that he was killed in that freak elevator accident. The investigators said it was really a million to one chance something like that would happen. Well, I guess that was the millionth chance. Maybe it’s not that weird. People win the lottery too every day, right? I guess it was just bad luck.

The accident the maid had isn’t nearly as weird. I know she yelled at him the same day it happened but what was she thinking? Who in their right mind cleans a chandelier from the second floor landing on a rickety old ladder? Really. It’s like she was just asking for a fall. Lucky for the Thorns that new maid was available to start right away. Well Mr. Thorn said it was lucky. Between you and me Mrs. Thorn—you know, Rosemary—she doesn’t like the new nanny one bit. She especially doesn’t like that big dog that came with her, but the dog is very protective of the kid. I told her they should consider obedience classes. She said she’ll look into that but it’s like the dog is very well trained already and will do anything the kid or the nanny wants. I guess that’s a good thing.

There really is something weird about him. The kid, I mean. Have you noticed he never cries? He just seems, I don’t know, really intense. And what’s the deal with the choir that follows him around? It seems like they always start chanting right when somebody’s about to die. The priest, the pediatrician, the maid, that private investigator who was looking into the orphanage, the photographer who said there were strange shadows in the pictures, the kooky archaeologist with the daggers, the nurse that drew his blood, the cousin who was afraid of the kid. I’m not saying the choir had anything to do with all those deaths. I mean, those were all accidents, right? There goes the choir starting up again.

Have you noticed the kid’s been staring at us this whole time?

These morning walks with Bruce are the best. The afternoon walks are good too, but in the mornings it’s cooler and still damp. Everything smells so much better when it’s a little wet. Smell rises in the mist. Bruce is going the wrong way. Why is he doing that? I try to pull him the other way but he’s insistent. Okay, I’ll go with him.

Chipmunks have been here. And rabbits. I’m getting that more earthy smell of rabbits here. Squirrels too. I got a squirrel once. One good shake and there was squirrel everywhere. That was fun. It surprised me so much as soon as Bruce called me I went running to him. He cleaned it all up, but I could smell squirrel guts in the driveway for a week after that.

This is okay but I’m worried we’re going to miss Treat Lady. I like Treat Lady. I like her a lot. I look forward to seeing her. She always has something for me. Sometimes it’s cheese. Cheese is my favorite, but it’s good when it’s something crunchy. She’s nice. She smells like a cat. I’ve never really been around cats but I know what they smell like and I like that. And sometimes her legs have tiny little cuts on them that I have to sniff very carefully. When her legs are bare and have those little cuts they also smell like perfumy soap that makes me sneeze. It’s a little like the stuff Bruce used to use on his face. He’d get cuts on his face too. Then he got the buzzy thing. It attacks his face every morning. He holds it but it still manages to get all over his face. I don’t like it. Sometimes after he’s pulled it off and made it get quiet he lets me sniff it. It smells like his face and his hair and also kind of burned. I really don’t like it. Sometimes I have to tell it to stay away from me. I don’t know why Bruce thinks that’s funny. He can be so weird.

He used to feed me and take a shower after we’d go for a walk, but now he takes a shower first. We used to just get up and go. Then after we started meeting Treat Lady every day he would get up earlier and take a shower before we left. The first time I stuck my head under the shower curtain and watched him and waited for him to figure out he was doing it wrong. He didn’t, even when I stood by the door and told him I really needed to go. He was really messing up my schedule. Sometimes I have to remind Bruce about things. I have to go in circles or stand right by the food box because he’s got the voice maker pressed up to his face and he’s talking to it. Sometimes I have to speak sharply to the couch because my ball’s under there and that’s the only way I can get Bruce to get it out. When we’re lying in bed together and he moves I have to let out a long sigh to remind him he’s not supposed to move while I’m trying to sleep. And when someone knocks on the door I have to yell a lot to let them know I’m here and that this is my house. Bruce doesn’t appreciate how important that is.

The next few days Bruce kept taking a shower before our walk and I said, okay, this is something new and different, like getting to know Treat Lady, but not as good.

This tree smells like squirrels. Like a lot of squirrels. And a dog. Bruce lets me stop and pee on it. I lift my leg really high to let them know how big I am. Usually Bruce pulls me away when I scratch at the ground with my back feet to let those squirrels know how serious I am, but today he just lets me do it. We’re going very slowly today.

There’s a person with a dog on the other side of the street. Maybe it’s that same dog I smelled on the tree. I can’t tell. I stay close to Bruce. The dog says something to me. I ignore it. We walk on. I’m glad Bruce doesn’t try to stop. There’s too much new and different already today.

There’s a spot on the ground that smells like it could be from that dog. I hope we’re not going to keep going this way every day, but I pee on it just in case.

I wonder if this has anything to do with Treat Lady. Yesterday when we saw her I could smell Bruce getting sweaty and his body tensed up. I could feel him getting warm when he was talking to her. It was weird. He wasn’t angry but his voice was tight and he kept twisting the leash. He breathed really fast and really heavily, and Treat Lady didn’t look at me as much as she usually does. She gave me something crunchy that was salty and stringy, and then Bruce and I had to walk away really fast. When we got to the big tree at the intersection, the one with the funky, musky smell I don’t recognize I barely had time to pee before Bruce was pulling me on again. Then when we got home he banged the bowl around while he made me breakfast and that hurt my ears.

Bruce didn’t shower this morning, and the buzzy thing stayed where it is. He’s very slow this morning. He’s not pointing out the squirrels to me. Maybe he misses Treat Lady too. I feel like I should do something to cheer him up. I’ll bring him this stick. That’ll make him happy. He always likes it when I bring him a stick. Hey! Birds!

Bob: All right, we’re back from the break. Ray, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a game like this, but that’s the beauty of the playoffs. We really get to see some very different teams go up against each other.

Ray: Don’t I know it. If you’re just tuning in it’s William Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying playing against Lewis Carrol’s Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland. The score is currently tied at the bottom of the ninth with the Wonderlands taking the field. And…wait a minute! Yes! The Queen of Hearts is coming out to pitch.

Bob: Listen to that crowd. They really love her here.

Ray: She’s the best closer they’ve ever had. Can you believe there was talk of trading her to Wuthering Heights?

Bob: Yeah, they’ve needed a good closer since Heathcliff has been on the DL with a torn tricep.

Ray: Vardaman is now coming up to the plate. You know we’ve talked about how interesting it is that he uses a bat shaped life a fish.

Bob: And he’s a switch hitter. Looks like he’s going to be batting left-handed since it’s the Queen pitching. And here comes the pitch…it’s up…looks like a foul. That’s one strike for Vardaman. Looks like the Queen is really brushing off the catcher.

Ray: Can’t have anything to do with him being mad as a March hare can it?

Bob: Well, since he is…wow! Line drive right down the center! Vardaman is running to first. The Mad Hatter has it. He throws it to the Caterpillar at first base, but too late. Vardaman is safe at first.

Ray: The Dying have shown a really strong offense this year. Earlier this month they did amazingly well winning two out of three games in their series against Edith Wharton’s Ethan Frome.

Bob: Dewey Dell is coming up to bat now. She has a current average of .225, with a strikeout in the second and a ground out in the seventh.

Ray: And the first pitch is a strike! Wait a minute. Coach Vernon Tull is taking the field to talk to the umpire about that call.

Bob: The umpire is Stephen Dedalus who was a right fielder for James Joyce’s Ulysses, and before that played first base for Portrait of the Artist As A Young Man.

Ray: Right. And this is Coach Tull’s last challenge of the game.

Bob: You played with Stephen Dedalus, didn’t you Ray?

Ray: Yeah, he and I both played as substitutes for Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. I was filling in for left-fielder Grandpa George in that big matchup against The Epic of Gilgamesh.

Bob: They had a substitution too, didn’t they? I think I remember their shortstop the Bull of Heaven was out that game.

Ray: Right, Phil Rizzuto was substituting.

Bob: Anyway Coach Tull is done talking to the umpire now. It looked like a pretty clear strike. I wouldn’t have wasted a challenge on that if I were him.

Ray: I know. It looks like he’s going back to the dugout now. He’s pretty steamed. Look at the replay.

Bob: Here comes the next pitch. It’s a ball…and another ball…and a strike. Even count. And it’s another ball.

Ray: Do you think the Queen is going to walk Dewey?

Bob: Well she’s only walked eleven of the last seventy players she’s pitched against. Seven of those were in the three-game series against Herman Melville’s Moby Dick.

Ray: Another ball! Dewey will go to first and Vardaman advances to second. No outs.

Bob: We should take this opportunity to point out that all players are wearing the number twenty-four today in memory of Hall of Famer Odysseus.

Ray: Doctor Peabody is coming up to bat now. He’s one for three with a solo home run in the third. Here’s the pitch. Strike!

Bob: Looks like the change-up really threw him there.

Ray: Strike two! And that’s another swing and a miss and Doctor Peabody has struck out. That gives the Dying their first out of the inning. Darl Dell is now coming up to bat.

Bob: Darl has a .195 average. With two on and one out and Wonderland ahead by two he’s in a position to make a big difference in this game.

Ray: Swing and a miss. That’s one ball, one strike. There’s the pitch. It’s a high fly to left field! The Mad Hatter drifts back! He catches it! And Darl is out.

Bob: Two out and two on base. And Coach Alice is going to the mound now. The March Hare and the Cheshire Cat are coming over. The White Rabbit is coming too. He’s been warming up in the bullpen. You don’t think Alice is going to take out the Queen this late in the game, do you?

Ray: Coach Alice makes some surprising choices. Remember she substituted Humpty Dumpty for the Gryphon in that matchup against Dante’s Divine Comedy.

Bob: Addie Bundren is at the plate now. Being in a coffin hasn’t hurt her at all. She’s still hitting a solid .301.

Ray: High pop to left field! It’s a foul.

Bob: Addie had the other home run in the fifth to bring Reverend Whitfield home. And there’s a hit! She’s running to first! The Cheshire Cat has the ball. He throws to the Caterpillar! And Addie Bundren is out.

Ray: Vardaman has moved to third and Dewey Dell is on second now with two outs.

Bob: Cora Tull comes to the plate now. This could be the Dying’s chance to at least tie up the game.

Ray: Ball one. Cora let that go right by. Ball two. The White Rabbit is really throwing wide. You don’t think he’ll walk her, do you?

Bob: And load the bases? Strike one! Strike two! Oh! The White Rabbit just threw to the Dormouse at second and picked off Dewey Dell! That’s the game!

Ray: Lucky he wasn’t asleep. Alice in Wonderland wins the game. They’ll go on now to play against Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.

Bob: With the narrator of Edgar Allan Poe’s The Tell-Tale Heart filling in as the starting pitcher that’ll be an interesting game.

Ray: Don’t I know it.