Some people say “You can’t fix stupid.” Well, you can. You can educate yourself, challenge yourself to think critically, and, most importantly, read. Of course there are people, a lot of them politicians, who’d like you to stay stupid which is why they support banning books. Take Tennessee’s governor Bill Lee, who loves the poorly educated which is why he’s pushing to lower education standards and is in favor of banning books. Of course Governor Lee was born into a wealthy family and, while he could have chosen to work, he’s been able to afford to be lazy and stupid his entire life. Earlier this year he called for “a new law that will ensure parents know what materials are available to students in their libraries”. Since Governor Lee isn’t interested in libraries he doesn’t realize there’s already a way to find out what materials libraries make available: it’s called a library catalog.
A Tennessee school board also made headlines earlier this year when they banned Maus, the graphic novel about the Holocaust by Art Spiegelman. School board officials complained about the book’s “disturbing imagery”, although at least one admitted he hadn’t read the book, only “reviews”.
At least libraries in Tennessee and other states are fighting back against book bans in spite of threats from Tennessee legislators who are calling for burning books instead of reading them. I’m proud to be part of that fight. I can’t–and won’t–dictate what other people read. I can’t make anyone think critically if they don’t want to. But I choose not to let them drag me and others down with them. Some of us choose not to be stupid.
April 2021-The first team meeting of the new year started with assistant Joe Bertman bringing up the “Great Resignation”, the term for the large number of people reassessing their lives and leaving old, unfulfilling employment for new opportunities. Well, it wasn’t so much a discussion as just everyone sitting around thinking about a bunch of people quitting their jobs until finally someone said, “Well, anyway…” and normal work resumed.
May 2021-In previous years the team has tried to assess what exactly the best milkshake in Nashville is only to get bogged down by questions such as, should we pick a specific flavor? Should it be limited to strictly local places or chains as well? At least on the latter question everyone agreed that one fast food place—you know, the one with the creepy clown mascot, is out of the running because their milkshakes taste like the same grease they use for cooking their hamburgers and their tacos and, seriously, what kind of burger place also makes tacos? Pick a lane, creepy clown mascot.
June 2021-Carrying over the milkshake discussion the discovery that the best gyro place in town had gone out of business reminded everyone that there’d also been a previous goal of finding the best gyro in Nashville, which would be easier than the milkshakes because all gyros are pretty much gyro-flavored. But with the best place closed it didn’t seem fair to try all the remaining ones only to find the one that came in second.
July 2021-Did you know there are long-handled toenail clippers? Well, now you do. These were not actually needed for clipping toenails but the less said about that the better.
August 2021-Absolutely nothing happened in the month of August, and I mean nothing. Zip, nada, zilch, zero, nihil, nix, nowt, diddly, bagatelle, bupkis, the second half of Sartre’s best known philosophical work. This caused some panic among the staff until everyone realized how many different ways there are to say “nothing”, and everyone just kind of sat and thought about that until someone said, “Well, anyway…” and normal work resumed.
September 2021-When did every magazine in the grocery store checkout become a commemorative issue? Maybe I can find out from this copy of Entertainment Today’s special edition, “Magazines: Remember When They Printed Stuff That Happened Last Week?” that I picked up while I was buying milk.
October 2021-Slowly the shadowy figure advanced. In the gloom we could see glistening ichor, and the stench of putrescence was overwhelming. It had positioned itself between us and the cellar doors. There was no escape. It dragged itself forward across the dirt floor. I glanced up at the small window. Even if we could reach it the figure would be upon us before we could get through it. One more step and it could touch us. Reaching out with a large, claw-like hand, it said, “Can I borrow a dollar?”
November 2021-Winter officially settled in. Then it went back to fall. Or maybe it was kind of like spring. Anyway there was a short burst in there that felt a lot like summer. And then it was winter again. And then it rained and that could have happened at any time.
December 2021-Very little got done with the approaching holidays, but spirits were high, leading to an inter-office memo reminding everyone not to let spirits smoke during work hours. A sign-up sheet was sent around for anyone who wanted to donate an appendix.
January 2022-Avant de sortir de la douche, rincez rapidement vos cheveux a l’eau froide pour sceller les cuticles et preserver l’eclat de la coleur. Tout le monde y a pensé jusqu’à ce que quelqu’un dise : “Eh bien, de toute façon…” et le travail normal a repris.
February 2022-Staff decided to skip Valentine’s Day in favor of calling up radio stations and suggesting that in addition to Two-fer Tuesdays they should have One-Hit Wednesdays, Three-fer Thursdays, Fiver-Fridays, Super Saturdays, No One Listens On Sundays, and Meh Mondays.
March 2022-The final team meeting of the year started with assistant Joe Bertman mentioning that there was an American sitcom called Lab Rats and pretty much the entire cast was born after the whole senior staff graduated from high school. This prompted an emergency discussion and assistant Joe Bertman is no longer part of the senior staff.
If Once You Have Slept On An Island by James Wyeth. Source: WikiArt
Many years ago I wrote two poems about Daylight Savings Time: one for spring and one for fall. Now with the possibility of Daylight Savings Time ending I thought about bringing them out, but they’re both fairly pessimistic—there’s something about an arbitrary time change that reminds me of mortality, like the ocean creeping up over land, so instead here are two completely different poems from the water’s edge.
Hatteras
It was cold then too. Fires pricked the beach like scattered
Vertebrae. The beach was longer, and extended farther out. The fires
Have been drowned. The light sweeps across clumps of black seaweed before
Turning back out to sea, blinking like a distant pulsar from
Unmappable shoals of home. Danger now is translated into tiny lights
In windowless boxes and doesn’t need ridged lenses. Cold seeps away
Color. The clams along this coast are small, gritty to the teeth; the fish
Are plain. Waves are the same color as the sponges and sea cucumbers
That are the same color as the gravel bed that anchors them. Mermaids spring
From tropical mythology; there’s no reason to drown here. Day tourists
Staying in cheaper houses down the beach come in, let their eyes climb
The black swirls to the black face of the lighthouse, think of craggy men
With gray beards and naked upper lips, get in their cars, and leave.
In a few hours their minds will be thick with island pines.
Things of the past, things of the present break down. With each
Freeze and thaw the cracks have to be repainted. The gate’s locked,
The staircase unsafe in this wind. Waves creep in. Erosion
Is inevitable. Two or three times now the lighthouse has been pulled closer
To the houses it watches over. My watch stopped. I thought it was
An hour earlier, winter an hour longer, a scrap of time taken back from
Summer. Summer will come whether the watch has stopped or not, whether
The same stream of photons rushes across the water toward emptiness
As the lighthouse stands a little farther back on the prickly grass,
Or even if it falls like a sand castle built too close to the tide. The land
Drowns at the edge, as it desires.
Waterlocked
(from the painting If Once You Have Slept On An Island by James Wyeth)
This class lecture is an annual St. Patrick’s Day tradition.
In recent years St. Patrick’s Day has become controversial because of a maligned and often caricatured minority. I’m referring, of course, to leprechauns. Reviled, mistreated, and still all too frequently portrayed as happy little figures sitting on toadstools smoking pipes even though increasingly they’re switching to e-cigarettes the leprechaun is still the object of prejudice and misconceptions. Many of us, in fact, have passed by or even worked alongside leprechauns, often without realizing it. In the interests of time I’ll just be addressing a few of the most common misconceptions here.
The first is the ancient belief that leprechauns are mischievous, even dangerous creatures. Stories of leprechauns luring travelers into bogs or inflicting injuries on those passing through wooded areas go back as far as the 8th century, but sociologists now agree that such behavior is not characteristic of leprechauns, and is, in fact, quite rare. While there may be some basis in truth for these stories it’s widely accepted that destructive behavior was the act of a minority among leprechauns who, feeling marginalized from the culture as a whole, acted out in anti-social ways. Unfortunately this misconception has been perpetuated and reinforced by stories that are still told to children, as well as in movies, such as the 1993 film Leprechaun, its many sequels including 2000’s Leprechaun in the Hood, and, of course, the 1980 Al Pacino movie Cruising.
There is also a less common misconception of leprechauns as helpful. There are stories of leprechauns discreetly doing farm work, including harvesting, milking cows, and repairing small machinery. Again there may be some basis for these stories, but not all leprechauns enjoy the outdoors or are suited for farm work. Many prefer to work in offices, or seek employment in fields such as shoemaking. This is, of course, not to say that all leprechauns are adept at working with footwear, but many did find this to be an accepted trade. It’s believed this originated from leprechauns making shoes for fairies who, being generally more accepted, would be asked by more common folk where they got such amazing stilettoes. Working as cobblers proved to be profitable even when leprechauns were subject to such fierce discrimination that they were kept out of most cities and towns and had to form their own exclusive villages, commonly known as leprechaulonies.
Stories of farmers rewarding helpful leprechauns with suits of clothes, only to find that the leprechauns considered this an insult and would disappear, may also have some basis in truth, mainly because you can’t expect a leprechaun to wear that coat with those pants, especially after Labor Day.
Finally we come to the most common and persistent belief about leprechauns: that they are hoarders of massive quantities of gold which they keep in pots at the end of rainbows. This belief has been so pervasive that attempts have been made to lure leprechauns with artificial rainbows by everyone from Sir Isaac Newton to the manager of the band Pink Floyd. As a belief it was understandable at a time when people regarded meteorological phenomena as magical, unlike now when it’s understood that rainbows are caused by the refraction of sunlight through water droplets suspended in centaur farts. Because rainbows rarely have ends that reach the ground it’s still not understood how exactly leprechauns could have kept their alleged pots of gold at the ends of rainbows, in spite of several theories advanced by folklorists and experiments attempting to hang pots of gold from rainbows using balloons. A frequently repeated tale is that a leprechaun, when caught, may be forced to give up the location of his pot of gold, but only if the person who caught him keeps his eyes fixed on the leprechaun. In stories of this type the leprechaun often escapes capture by telling the person who caught him that there’s a fierce beast or the Chrysler building just over his shoulder. Folklorists believe that there is some truth in this, but only to the extent that leprechauns seem to have invented the “made you look” joke. Also it’s now known that leprechauns are not inherently wealthy. While there are some who have enjoyed success—the heir to the Lucky Charms fortune, for instance, or Mickey Rooney—leprechauns are no more likely to be wealthy than the general population.That concludes the lecture for today. In preparation for next week read pages 126-153, when we will be discussing genetic mutation and its potential for altering reality. Our lab work will involve real four-leaf clovers, but I’d better not catch any of you wishing for a better grade.
On March 13th, 1781 the composer, musician, and amateur astronomer William Herschel looked through his telescope and realized what he’d initially thought was a comet was, in fact, a previously unknown planet. It was the first planet discovered in modern times and, after a lot of discussion, would eventually be named Uranus, after the primordial Greek god of the sky. Although it had been observed since ancient times it was so distant and so difficult to see it was assumed to be a star. The discovery that it was a planet is why I think Uranus deserves special recognition.
This has been an unusual time for Uranus. Normally it can only be seen through a telescope, although it was occasionally seen with the naked eye by ancient astronomers, but recently Uranus has been visible with a pair of binoculars, thanks to a waxing crescent Moon, which it’s been close to in the constellation Aries. Although Uranus at its closest is 1.6 billion miles of Earth it’s currently 1.8 billion miles away, making its 84-year journey around the sun with its peculiar sideways tilt. Uranus keeps one pole toward the sun at all times and its rings were only discovered in 1977 when astronomers watched Uranus pass in front of a star. Before going behind Uranus the star appeared to blink.
When Voyager 2 flew past Uranus in 1986 astronomers were unimpressed and thought it was a pretty boring planet. Since then interest in Uranus has picked up. Seasonal changes and wind speeds of 560 miles per hour have been found on Uranus. Its temperature of -200 degrees Celsius means Uranus is a very, very cold place, but even stranger is that it’s the only one of the gas giants that doesn’t release detectable heat.
At one time scientists also thought the enormous pressures might turn carbon in Uranus’s atmosphere into giant diamonds. Now the thinking is that those pressures might produce diamonds but crush them, creating diamond rainfall. Still we don’t know whether this even happens. Uranus still holds so many mysteries.
If space travel advances Uranus may someday also be very important as a launching point for missions leaving the solar system, and the large quantities of methane in Uranus may even be a source of fuel. There’s also the town of Uranus, Missouri, a small stopping point for tourists along the historic Route 66, where you can visit the Fudge Factory And General Store and play a little golf at Uranus Putt Pirates, and where, the mayor has told me, they celebrate every March 13th.
All this is why I think Uranus Day is an event we can all get behind.
Since it’s Christmas Eve again–seems like the last one was only a year ago–I’m making the traditional Eggs Benedict for my wife. It’s fun and fairly easy and not named after either Benedict Arnold or the Jeffersons’ British neighbor so once again I’m sharing the recipe here for anyone else who’d also like to give it a try. This recipe serves three, or six people if you’re serving it with a side dish, or one person if they’re really hungry and are trying to send their cholesterol level off the charts.
You will need:
About three billion eggs, or maybe only a dozen
A pound of butter (or two eight ounce sticks) at room temperature
First halve and toast the English muffins. Classic Eggs Benedict calls for a slice of ham on the English muffin halves, but for some that may be too much. Tasty alternatives include slices of avocado or smoked salmon or nothing or whatever you want.
Poach six eggs. If you have an egg poacher you can use that. I’ve also poached the eggs by adding water and a small amount of vinegar to a shallow pan, but that’s tricky because you have to keep the water just below boiling. Place an egg on each of the English muffin halves.
You can now set this aside in a warm oven.
The Hollandaise sauce is the hard part, but it comes together quickly. Oh, wait, that’s why it’s hard. This ain’t a recipe you can walk away from. First separate the yolks from the whites or, to be more accurate, from the clears. It’s okay to leave some of the clear with the yolks. Since this version of Hollandaise sauce is basically a savory lemon custard some albumen will help it hold together.
Combine the egg yolks and the lemon juice in a pan over low heat.
Add half the butter. Stir slowly.
Once the butter is melted continue stirring for about a minute then add the second half of the butter. Stir vigorously. At this point the eggs will start to cook and the sauce will thicken. This is when you have to work fast. Just after the butter is completely melted the sauce is culinary nitroglycerine. It won’t blow up but it is seriously unstable. Get it off the heat and evenly distribute it over the English muffin halves and poached eggs.
For some color sprinkle on a little paprika or some parsley or both for a seasonal red and green effect. In fact this is a recipe and those aren’t written in stone, so if you want to substitute actual muffins and Cadbury chocolate eggs go for it because there’s no place like home for the Hollandaise.
A post over at mydangblog about the worst Christmas carols got me thinking about how ghost stories used to be a popular Christmas tradition, and if it sounds like a pretty convoluted line of thought led to that you would be correct. It started with “Good King Wenceslas”, probably one of the best Christmas carols you’ve never heard. At least it never seems to make it into the top forty, at least in the United States, although you can hear a few notes of it at the beginning of A Christmas Carol and in Scrooged and other places. And it’s one that tells a nice story of King Wenceslas who goes out on the day after Christmas in the bitter cold to give charity to the poor. He’s followed by his page who doesn’t want to go on but follows in the good king’s footsteps.
It’s got a catchy tune too which, funny enough, came from a 13th century tune celebrating the arrival of spring, but I don’t see anything wrong with repurposing an old song.
From my copy of A Child’s Christmas In Wales.
And honestly I’d already been thinking about the British tradition of telling ghost stories at Christmas, partly because I was remembering a Christmas party I went to in Britain where everyone dressed up in costumes. I went as Mozart because, well, I have kind of a distinctive laugh, but that’s another story. And also every year at Christmas I read Dylan Thomas’s A Child’s Christmas In Wales, specifically the copy I bought in his hometown Laugharne when I went there in December of 1990, which brings me to ghost stories and “Good King Wenceslas”. Toward the end of his recollections of Christmas Dylan Thomas has his own ghost story:
Bring out the tall tales now that we told by the fire as the gaslight bubbled like a diver. Ghosts whooed like owls in the long nights when I dared not look over my shoulder; animals lurked in the cubbyhole under the stairs where the gas meter ticked. And I remember that we went singing carols once, when there wasn’t the shaving of a moon to light the flying streets. At the end of a long road was a drive that led to a large house, and we stumbled up the darkness of the drive that night, each one of us afraid, each one holding a stone in his hand in case, and all of us too brave to say a word. The wind through the trees made noises as of old and unpleasant and maybe webfooted men wheezing in caves. We reached the black bulk of the house. “What shall we give them? Hark the Herald?” “No,” Jack said, “Good King Wencelas. I’ll count three.” One, two, three, and we began to sing, our voices high and seemingly distant in the snow-felted darkness round the house that was occupied by nobody we knew. We stood close together, near the dark door. Good King Wencelas looked out
On the Feast of Stephen… And then a small, dry voice, like the voice of someone who has not spoken for a long time, joined our singing: a small, dry, eggshell voice from the other side of the door: a small, dry voice through the keyhole. And when we stopped running we were outside our house; the front room was lovely; balloons floated under the hot-water-bottle-gulping gas; everything was good again and shone over the town. “Perhaps it was a ghost,” Jim said. “Perhaps it was trolls,” Dan said, who was always reading. “Let’s go in and see if there’s any jelly left,” Jack said. And we did that.
I think a rousing chorus of “Good King Wenceslas” should be part of every caroler’s repertoire, as a way of following in their footsteps.
It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)-This beloved classic languished in obscurity after losing money in its initial box office run but was rediscovered thanks to cable reruns and a copyright loophole and has become as much a part of the season as Christmas trees and Santa figures, even if some folks only tune in for the last twenty minutes or so.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, in spite of only a small part of the film taking place during Christmas.
A Christmas Story (1983)-Another well-loved classic that seemed to be forgotten until cable reruns turned everything from the leg lamp to Scut Farkus and the bunny suit into cultural touchstones.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, the whole story builds to a glorious Christmas morning, and, as a special bonus, there’s a part where Wizard of Oz characters beat up Mickey Mouse.
The Muppet Christmas Carol(1992)-Considered by many to be the best adaptation of Dickens’ classic ever the film doesn’t shy away from the story’s darker themes while also keeping a sense of whimsy.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, not only because Christmas isn’t complete without A Christmas Carol but also because the pairing of Michael Caine and the Muppets was genius.
A Charlie Brown Christmas(1965)-Notable for being an instant classic the TV special animated the popular Peanuts gang from the comic strip.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, thanks in part to Linus’s poignant recitation from the book of Luke and Charlie Brown’s rescue of a dilapidated tree, and also it’s a cartoon and cartoons are a major part of the holidays.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas(1966)-A brilliant adaptation of Dr. Seuss’s book the story is similar to A Christmas Carol with a villain who hates Christmas finding the holiday spirt, but rather than ghosts it’s a community’s joy that ultimately transforms the Grinch.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, and as an added bonus is narrated by Boris “Frankenstein” Karloff with the Grinch’s theme sung by Thurl Ravenscroft. Also it’s a cartoon and cartoons are a major part of the holidays.
Scooged (1988)-Bill Murray offers up a decidedly different and modern-day take on Ebenezer Scrooge as a television executive facing the biggest challenge of his career and confronting his own troubled past. With its adult humor, the death of a homeless man, and violence it’s definitely a mature adaptation, but good family fun if you’re the Addams Family.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes. Though critics are divided over the ending the stellar cast and satirical touches make it work and as an added bonus at one point Bobcat Goldthwaite says “flatulating butthead”.
Die Hard (1988)-All NYPD Detective John McClane wants is to have a nice Christmas on the west coast but gets drawn into a criminal mastermind’s plot to steal untraceable bearer bonds by posing as a terrorist.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes. Not only does most of the action take place on Christmas Eve with a plot that’s as much about family, love, and reconciliation as it is high-stakes crime but Hans Gruber falling from the 25th floor of the Nakatomi Tower has graced everything from advent calendars to Christmas sweaters.
A Wish for Wings That Work: An Opus Christmas Story (1991)-All Opus the penguin from the popular Bloom County comic strip wants for Christmas is a pair of wings that work, a wish that’s ultimately fulfilled in a surprising and offbeat way.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes. Although peppered with adult humor and not as successful as other animated specials Opus is a lovable character and it’s a cartoon and cartoons are a major part of the holidays. With no formal release it seems destined for obscurity but is fun at least for Bloom County fans with a memorable cameo by Robin Williams and a bonkers dream sequence.
Mary Poppins (1964)-While not set during Christmas the story of the magical nanny played by Julie Andrews usually gets broadcast a few times during the holiday season, making it, for some, an annual tradition.
Is it a Christmas movie? Mixed. Like many Christmas films it’s ultimately a story of putting aside material things in favor of family. It also has a cameo by Reginald Owen who played Ebenezer Scrooge in a 1938 adaptation of A Christmas Carol, and extended animated sequences, and cartoons are a major part of the holidays. Really it’s also a story for any season.
The Addams Family (1991)-While the film’s only true Christmas moment is the opening which recreates a Charles Addams cartoon of the title family about to pour a bubbling cauldron of something on holiday carolers it’s still a fun film with a sincere message about the importance of family.
Is it a Christmas movie? Save this one for Halloween.
The Wizard Of Oz(1939)-Also not set during Christmas but frequently appearing in the listings during the holiday season the adaptation of L. Frank Baum’s novel starring a young Judy Garland is, for some, another holiday tradition.
Is it a Christmas movie? Mixed. It’s a film that families often enjoy together and Dorothy’s ultimate goal is to get back home to her family in Kansas. The Wizard is also played by but is another one for any season.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)-An early stop-motion special from what would eventually become the Rankin/Bass company this special really set the standard for Christmas special to come, creatively expanding the story of Rudolph to include an elf who wants to be a dentist and the Island of Misfit Toys.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, not only for its themes of family and acceptance but also the genial narration of Burl Ives.
Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory (1971)-The psychedelic musical adaptation of Roald Dahl’s classic children’s novel was a box office failure but eventually earned widespread acclaim thanks to frequent appearances in the holiday season lineup. Those of us who grew up before VCRs and on-demand video remember looking forward to it as a sign that seasonal treats were coming our way.
Is it a Christmas movie? Mixed. It’s a fun family film but Gene Wilder’s Wonka could outshine Santa. Better save this one for Thanksgiving.
The Hobbit (1977)– Before Peter Jackson became a cinematic geek god with his stunning adaptation of The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and became a cinematic geek devil by adapting The Hobbit into a bloated, cringe-inducing trilogy there was the animated version of The Hobbit, brought to us by the same people behind the stop-motion holiday specials, and forever making Orson Bean the voice of Bilbo even if Martin Freeman and Ian Holm do a pretty good job.
Is it a Christmas movie? Mixed. It is a cartoon and for those of us of a certain age it was our introduction to Tolkien and the reason we put his books on our Christmas wish lists, but better reserved for Thanksgiving.
Elf(2003)-An unusually family-friendly film from the usually more adult performer Will Ferrell and director Jon Favreau Elf manages to be both clever and sincere without being maudlin.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, and it benefits from Ed Asner as Santa Claus and one of Santa’s real elves who bears a striking resemblance to Bob Newhart.
Watership Down (1978)-An adaptation of the Richard Adams novel this animated story of cute bunnies who deal with death and violence, escaping snares and scarring each other, has been known to traumatize children.
Is it a Christmas movie? Well, it is a cartoon and those are a major part of the holidays, but save this one for Easter.
Home Alone (1990)-While some question whether it really qualifies as a Christmas classic the story of a kid accidentally left at home and cleverly dealing with a pair of professional crooks is set during Christmas and is a family story at heart.
Is it a Christmas movie? Yes and no. If it’s a tradition in your family that’s great, but Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern getting smacked around for a solid hour doesn’t put everyone in the holiday spirit.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas(2000)-Jim Carrey’s expressive range is extended with makeup and CGI in a much darker, even cynical reimagining of the Doctor Seuss classic.
Is it a Christmas movie? NO. It’s awful and anyone who wants to enjoy the Dr. Seuss classic should either stick with the book or the earlier animated version because cartoons are a major part of the holidays.
This repost is one of my annual traditions. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone except those in countries that don’t celebrate it and the Canadians who are heathens who have Thanksgiving before Halloween , and this year we could really use it.
It has been celebrated as a federal holiday every year since 1863, when, during the American Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed a national day of “Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens,” to be celebrated on the last Thursday in November.
It was even worse than last year. I know every time my family gets together we fall into certain patterns, but that never makes it easier. This time it was even worse because just getting to my parents’ house was such a pain. I thought I’d carriagepool with my younger brother and his wife, but they went up early so that fell through. Then I thought I’d beat the traffic by setting out at dawn, which was such a great idea everybody else in Richmond had it at the same time and the horses were nose to tail, stop and trot, for miles. Finally I got there a little after ten in the morning and my older sister came out already holding a glass of blackberry wine and when she hugged me I could tell it wasn’t her first one. She asked me how things were going and then didn’t wait for an answer and ran back into the house to tell everyone I was there.
I should have known I’d be walking into an argument in the foyer, the way my family is. It’s just what it was about that threw me. My kid brother had this crazy idea for a new way to cook a turkey, leaving the feathers still on and roasting it in the coals of a fire. Well, it sounded pretty stupid to me, and I wasn’t surprised to learn that the neighbors tried the same thing last year and burned down their stable. But I didn’t want to side with my father either. So I said it had been a long trip and I needed to visit the outhouse and slipped out. Well, there was a line at the outhouse: two of my nieces, three cousins, all four of my brothers, and my sister was already in there getting rid of some of that blackberry wine. So I went back inside to see what was going on.
In the parlor my mother was putting together some kind of monstrosity with dead leaves and dried berries that she said she was going to put in the middle of the table.
“Where’s the food going to go?” I asked.
“Well, we’ll move it before we eat.”
I was going to ask why she’d bother to put it in the middle of the table if she was just going to move it again but decided against having that discussion, so instead I sat down and leafed through a broadsheet that was handy.
“The other men are organizing a game,” she said. “It’s some new sport called foot-ball. You should go and join them.”
Well, she knows I’ve never been athletic, but when I protested she got put out with me and said, “It’s your Uncle Wilkes’s idea. You know you’ve always been his favorite. You really should go and do it just to please him.”
FINE.
Well, when I came back in my sister just cackled and toasted me with another glass of blackberry wine. All my mother could say was “Don’t get any blood on the carpet,” and my older brother kept telling me to stop being a sissy and just put some salve on it. Then Aunt Gerda said pinch the back of my neck and tilt my head forward and Uncle Wilkes said no, put pressure between the eyes and lean back, and then my cousins got into it so there had to be a family brawl about that. A day later and I’m still bleeding. So much for the salve. I’ll have to make an appointment with Dr. Samuel Mudd when I get back.
Then Uncle Aloysius had to start in Daniel about supporting the Whigs and Elizabeth about Suffragettes, just trying to start an argument. Fortunately they didn’t rise to the bait.
Then I tried to head off another argument about who’d have to chaperone the kids’ table by volunteering, but my father cut that off.
“No, no, I want John seated here on my left. After I sent him to that fancy and very expensive school so he could waste his time studying the dramatic arts and oratory he should be well-equipped to deliver the traditional Booth family prayer of thanks.”
Traditional since last year, he means. Then my kid brother kicked me in the shins which I know was his way of saying “Don’t start anything”. I kicked him twice as hard in the shins which was my way of saying, “I wasn’t going to,” and then kicked him again to say, “Hurts, don’t it?”
All this might have been a little more bearable if my sister had let me have some of the blackberry wine.
I swear I’m going to get that Lincoln for making us do this.
Pumpkin pie Pop Tart. Don’t be fooled by the appearance.
Someone once told me “There is no difference between the best pumpkin pie you’ve ever had and the worst pumpkin you’ve ever had.” While not entirely true—I’ve had some genuinely terrible pumpkin pie—I get the point. There isn’t a single pumpkin pie I’ve tried that stood out as the best; all the good ones have merely been adequate. Pumpkin spice owes its popularity not to pumpkin but to its ability to elevate a tasteless, overcooked vegetable to something that’s moderately enjoyable enough that you want to eat it once a year, unlike, say, pecan pie. I will go through a brick wall for good pecan pie, but that’s another story.
So when I picked up pumpkin pie Pop Tarts I had pretty low expectations. And I had low expectations even though I like Pop Tarts. And some are definitely better than others. Chocolate Pop Tarts are better than plain ones, although I prefer the plain ones for breakfast because the chocolate ones seem too much like a dessert. I also felt compelled to defend Pop Tarts when a recent lawsuit came up alleging that the strawberry Pop Tarts don’t have enough strawberry in them. I’m impressed that they have any strawberry in them and I think the only reasonable grounds for a lawsuit would be if there was something in them that was truly unexpected, like catfish.
Also raspberry Pop Tarts are superior to strawberry Pop Tarts, regardless of the actual quantity of raspberry.
As I said I had low expectations for the pumpkin pie Pop Tarts and they failed to live up to them. Imagine taking a pumpkin pie, scraping out most of the filling, then folding over the leftover crust. Add some sugary Pop Tart icing (it’s not frosting) and that’s what you’d have.
They’re honestly the worst Pop Tarts I’ve ever had.
April 2021-The first team meeting of the new year started with assistant 
It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)-This beloved classic languished in obscurity after losing money in its initial box office run but was rediscovered thanks to cable reruns and a copyright loophole and has become as much a part of the season as Christmas trees and Santa figures, even if some folks only tune in for the last twenty minutes or so.
Die Hard (1988)-All NYPD Detective John McClane wants is to have a nice Christmas on the west coast but gets drawn into a criminal mastermind’s plot to steal untraceable bearer bonds by posing as a terrorist.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
The Hobbit (1977)
