Submitted For Your Approval.

Monster Time.

Author: October 7, 2022 4 Comments

Most modern horror films with a supernatural bent—and even some that lean more toward science fiction, even ones inspired by folklore rely on three basic monster types: vampires, werewolves, or zombies or some other form of animate dead which are different from vampires in that they’re usually not sexy or all that good at conversation. Aside from the occasional creepy doll or killer clown there’s not that much variation. But storytelling predates recorded history by—well, we don’t know since no one bothered to write it down, and folklore is filled with all sorts of creatures that could easily inspire their own franchises. Here are a few:

 

Kelpies-From Scottish folklore kelpies are usually described as black aquatic horses that live in lochs and rivers and drag down people who come too close to the water. Kelpies then throw the entrails of their victims up on the shore. Scotland’s famous Nessie draws thousands of tourists every year. Kelpies are there to make sure the tourists go back where they came from.

 

Penanggalan-A Malaysian monster the penanggalan is a flying head that sometimes has at least part of the digestive tract of its body hanging down. Flying heads are actually common in folklore around the world. In South American indigenous mythology they’re more often a nuisance than a menace, eating up a tribe’s food while everyone’s asleep, but, come on, if you see a flying head with an esophagus hanging down your first thought is going to be getting away, not “Better padlock the refrigerator!”

 

Bunyip-A creature from indigenous Australian folklore the bunyip looks like anything from an enormous starfish to a giant dog with a beak that would drag people down into lakes, rivers, and swamps. In the contemporary folk song “The Bunyip of Hooligan’s Creek” by Australian singer Pat Drummond the bunyip laments the extinction of its kind, which is a whole new type of horror.

 

The Sphinx-Everybody thinks they know the sphinx–it’s that giant statue in Egypt, or there’s the one that Oedipus encountered that killed any traveler who couldn’t answer its riddle. If you think getting through airport security is bad now just imagine being confronted by a human-headed lion who expects you to remember how to solve that one where you and two companions have to get away from cannibals by crossing a river in a boat that only holds two people. (Hint: as soon as someone says, “First we send two cannibals over to the other side” that’s the guy you leave behind.)

 

Kludde-From Flemish folklore the Kludde was a flying black dog or batlike creature that could produce a blue flame around its body, and if that doesn’t sound so bad just imagine the horror of burning Flem.

 

Selkie-A creature of the Irish coasts and waterways selkies have been described as seal-like creatures that could slip out of their skins and take on human form. Although romanticized in The Secret of Roan Innish selkies could also be dangerous creatures who could drown sailors or anyone else who came near the water, a theme that occurs so many times that folklore would be a lot less rich if more people just learned how to swim.

 

The Bonnacon-Found in ancient Greece or parts of southeastern Europe the bonnacon was a bull-like creature with horns that curved backwards. It was able to expel large amounts of excrement which would then burst into flames so it could escape. Why anyone thought the world needed such a creature is beyond me, but at least it would be more interesting than yet another sexy vampire or zombie.

Submitted For Your Approval., The Weekly Essay

After The Fall.

Author: July 29, 2022 8 Comments

Landscape With The Fall Of Icarus by Pieter Brueghel the Elder. Source: Wikipedia

When Daedalus pulled Icarus’s body from the green Aegean he tried to rearrange the boy’s mangled limbs back the way they’d looked when he was alive. Icarus had been so much like his mother: impulsive but also brave. Icarus was the one who’d sneaked out in the night, climbing over a wall of the labyrinth, to bring back feathers, canvas, rope, and wood to make pliable frames for the wings Daedalus had made for them so they could escape Crete.

Daedalus warned him not to fly too high or too low, but Icarus had been so excited to be able to soar like a bird, and when he saw a storm cloud he’d cried out, “It’s like a giant cliff! I’m going to climb it, I’ll climb higher than Zeus himself!”

Maybe that was what brought out the lightning bolt that struck him down.

Daedalus buried his son on the beach of a small island then went on to Camicus where he enjoyed the protection of King Cocalus, and, having learned to make things from Hephaestus, he kept inventing. He built baths for the royal family that tapped into the heat of the earth itself so they were always warm.

King Minos had traveled all over the Mediterranean looking for Daedalus, offering a reward to anyone who could run a thread through a sea snail’s shell, a puzzle he thought only the world’s greatest inventor could solve.

When he arrived in Camicus Daedalus came out of hiding, intrigued by the shell challenge, and he solved it by tying the string around an ant and putting a drop of honey at the very tip of the shell. Then he agreed to return to Crete but first King Cocalus offered Minos the chance to clean off. Cocalus’s three daughters took Minos to the royal baths themselves and turned the water up to scalding, then opened the drains so his remains were washed out to sea and attracted many sharks.

After that Daedalus retired and went back to live in another part of Crete, but he was lonely. With clay and sheets of metal he’d gotten from local blacksmith he built a model son and named him Deuteros. He put sand in a forge and made glass and used that as a crest in Deuteros’s head that enervated the boy’s limbs. Deuteros could walk and do simple tasks.

“Go and get water,” Daedalus would tell him, or, “Build a wall with those rocks.”

“I will do as you say, father,” Deuteros would say. That’s all he ever said, no matter what Daedalus asked him to do.

When the sun went down Deuteros would sit in a chair and stay there until daylight flooded the room and he could get up and move again.

One day a stranger came by while Deuteros was in the back chopping wood. Daedalus offered him olives, bread, and wine. After the stranger ate he said he’d been a soldier for King Minos, and that he’d been wandering ever since the king’s death, unsure, having been good and loyal to the king, of what to do.

Daedalus excused himself. He went and said, “Deuteros, go and kill the man sitting in front of the house.”

“I will do as you say, father.” Deuteros took the axe and when the man jumped up in surprise at such a strange thing, a walking statue, Deuteros buried the axe in his liver.

Now Daedalus wondered what would become of Deuteros after his death.

He was thinking about this while walking home from the market when a snake bit him. It slipped into the underbrush but he saw enough to know it was one of the poisonous ones found on the island and that he would have only a few hours to live.

Daedalus went and sat in front of his house and looked out at the sea.

Then he called Deuteros to him.

“I have one last thing to ask you,” he said. “I want you to walk straight into the water and I want you to keep walking.”

“I will do as you say, father.”

And the last thing Daedalus saw before he fell was his son’s head disappearing under the waves.

Not Non-Fiction, Submitted For Your Approval., The Weekly Essay

I’m With The Banned.

Author: June 25, 2022 9 Comments

Nashville Public Library card.

Some people say “You can’t fix stupid.” Well, you can. You can educate yourself, challenge yourself to think critically, and, most importantly, read. Of course there are people, a lot of them politicians, who’d like you to stay stupid which is why they support banning books. Take Tennessee’s governor Bill Lee, who loves the poorly educated which is why he’s pushing to lower education standards and is in favor of banning books. Of course Governor Lee was born into a wealthy family and, while he could have chosen to work, he’s been able to afford to be lazy and stupid his entire life. Earlier this year he called for “a new law that will ensure parents know what materials are available to students in their libraries”. Since Governor Lee isn’t interested in libraries he doesn’t realize there’s already a way to find out what materials libraries make available: it’s called a library catalog.

A Tennessee school board also made headlines earlier this year when they banned Maus, the graphic novel about the Holocaust by Art Spiegelman. School board officials complained about the book’s “disturbing imagery”, although at least one admitted he hadn’t read the book, only “reviews”.

This happened at the same time Tennessee’s religious adoption law was used to deny a couple the right to adopt a child solely because they’re Jewish. That’s not an exaggeration of misrepresentation. It’s the only reason the adoption agency they went to considered them unfit to be parents.It’s also not a coincidence. Once you start banning books it’s a short step to banning people.

At least libraries in Tennessee and other states are fighting back against book bans in spite of threats from Tennessee legislators who are calling for burning books instead of reading them. I’m proud to be part of that fight. I can’t–and won’t–dictate what other people read. I can’t make anyone think critically if they don’t want to. But I choose not to let them drag me and others down with them. Some of us choose not to be stupid.

American Graffiti., Quick Takes., Submitted For Your Approval., The Vault

Annual Report: 2021/2022.

Author: April 1, 2022 6 Comments

April 2021-The first team meeting of the new year started with assistant Joe Bertman bringing up the “Great Resignation”, the term for the large number of people reassessing their lives and leaving old, unfulfilling employment for new opportunities. Well, it wasn’t so much a discussion as just everyone sitting around thinking about a bunch of people quitting their jobs until finally someone said, “Well, anyway…” and normal work resumed.

May 2021-In previous years the team has tried to assess what exactly the best milkshake in Nashville is only to get bogged down by questions such as, should we pick a specific flavor? Should it be limited to strictly local places or chains as well? At least on the latter question everyone agreed that one fast food place—you know, the one with the creepy clown mascot, is out of the running because their milkshakes taste like the same grease they use for cooking their hamburgers and their tacos and, seriously, what kind of burger place also makes tacos? Pick a lane, creepy clown mascot.

June 2021-Carrying over the milkshake discussion the discovery that the best gyro place in town had gone out of business reminded everyone that there’d also been a previous goal of finding the best gyro in Nashville, which would be easier than the milkshakes because all gyros are pretty much gyro-flavored. But with the best place closed it didn’t seem fair to try all the remaining ones only to find the one that came in second.

July 2021-Did you know there are long-handled toenail clippers? Well, now you do. These were not actually needed for clipping toenails but the less said about that the better.

August 2021-Absolutely nothing happened in the month of August, and I mean nothing. Zip, nada, zilch, zero, nihil, nix, nowt, diddly, bagatelle, bupkis, the second half of Sartre’s best known philosophical work. This caused some panic among the staff until everyone realized how many different ways there are to say “nothing”, and everyone just kind of sat and thought about that until someone said, “Well, anyway…” and normal work resumed.

September 2021-When did every magazine in the grocery store checkout become a commemorative issue? Maybe I can find out from this copy of Entertainment Today’s special edition, “Magazines: Remember When They Printed Stuff That Happened Last Week?” that I picked up while I was buying milk.

October 2021-Slowly the shadowy figure advanced. In the gloom we could see glistening ichor, and the stench of putrescence was overwhelming. It had positioned itself between us and the cellar doors. There was no escape. It dragged itself forward across the dirt floor. I glanced up at the small window. Even if we could reach it the figure would be upon us before we could get through it. One more step and it could touch us. Reaching out with a large, claw-like hand, it said, “Can I borrow a dollar?”

November 2021-Winter officially settled in. Then it went back to fall. Or maybe it was kind of like spring. Anyway there was a short burst in there that felt a lot like summer. And then it was winter again. And then it rained and that could have happened at any time.

December 2021-Very little got done with the approaching holidays, but spirits were high, leading to an inter-office memo reminding everyone not to let spirits smoke during work hours. A sign-up sheet was sent around for anyone who wanted to donate an appendix.

January 2022-Avant de sortir de la douche, rincez rapidement vos cheveux a l’eau froide pour sceller les cuticles et preserver l’eclat de la coleur. Tout le monde y a pensé jusqu’à ce que quelqu’un dise : “Eh bien, de toute façon…” et le travail normal a repris.

February 2022-Staff decided to skip Valentine’s Day in favor of calling up radio stations and suggesting that in addition to Two-fer Tuesdays they should have One-Hit Wednesdays, Three-fer Thursdays, Fiver-Fridays, Super Saturdays, No One Listens On Sundays, and Meh Mondays.

March 2022-The final team meeting of the year started with assistant Joe Bertman mentioning that there was an American sitcom called Lab Rats and pretty much the entire cast was born after the whole senior staff graduated from high school. This prompted an emergency discussion and assistant Joe Bertman is no longer part of the senior staff.

Happy Birthday., Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., Submitted For Your Approval., The Vault, The Weekly Essay

It’s About Time.

Author: March 18, 2022 2 Comments

If Once You Have Slept On An Island by James Wyeth. Source: WikiArt

Many years ago I wrote two poems about Daylight Savings Time: one for spring and one for fall. Now with the possibility of Daylight Savings Time ending I thought about bringing them out, but they’re both fairly pessimistic—there’s something about an arbitrary time change that reminds me of mortality, like the ocean creeping up over land, so instead here are two completely different poems from the water’s edge.

Hatteras

It was cold then too. Fires pricked the beach like scattered

Vertebrae. The beach was longer, and extended farther out. The fires

Have been drowned. The light sweeps across clumps of black seaweed before

Turning back out to sea, blinking like a distant pulsar from

Unmappable shoals of home. Danger now is translated into tiny lights

In windowless boxes and doesn’t need ridged lenses. Cold seeps away

Color. The clams along this coast are small, gritty to the teeth; the fish

Are plain. Waves are the same color as the sponges and sea cucumbers

That are the same color as the gravel bed that anchors them. Mermaids spring

From tropical mythology; there’s no reason to drown here. Day tourists

Staying in cheaper houses down the beach come in, let their eyes climb

The black swirls to the black face of the lighthouse, think of craggy men

With gray beards and naked upper lips, get in their cars, and leave.

In a few hours their minds will be thick with island pines.

Things of the past, things of the present break down. With each

Freeze and thaw the cracks have to be repainted. The gate’s locked,

The staircase unsafe in this wind. Waves creep in. Erosion

Is inevitable. Two or three times now the lighthouse has been pulled closer

To the houses it watches over. My watch stopped. I thought it was

An hour earlier, winter an hour longer, a scrap of time taken back from

Summer. Summer will come whether the watch has stopped or not, whether

The same stream of photons rushes across the water toward emptiness

As the lighthouse stands a little farther back on the prickly grass,

Or even if it falls like a sand castle built too close to the tide. The land

Drowns at the edge, as it desires.

 

Waterlocked

(from the painting If Once You Have Slept On An Island by James Wyeth)

 

If once you have slept on an island

You know there was no sleep there. The moon

Scooping the water was a hole

You slipped through into the waking

That whales catch in their ruffled throats

Before they surface. White gull cries

Trail along the watermark, become rooms.

Every room has no windows now,

And inside the basalt walls of landlocked

Breath, in motionless sleep, all land

Is an island, and eyes as blue as crabs

Look for the door that isn’t there.

The bedsheet crackles under your hand

With the approach of a storm,

Whirlpools working to the sky, hair

Departing, going up

To the other side of the sky where

Once you have slept on an island.

Not Non-Fiction, Submitted For Your Approval., The Weekly Essay

Lucky 2022.

Author: March 17, 2022 6 Comments

This class lecture is an annual St. Patrick’s Day tradition.

In recent years St. Patrick’s Day has become controversial because of a maligned and often caricatured minority. I’m referring, of course, to leprechauns. Reviled, mistreated, and still all too frequently portrayed as happy little figures sitting on toadstools smoking pipes even though increasingly they’re switching to e-cigarettes the leprechaun is still the object of prejudice and misconceptions. Many of us, in fact, have passed by or even worked alongside leprechauns, often without realizing it. In the interests of time I’ll just be addressing a few of the most common misconceptions here.

The first is the ancient belief that leprechauns are mischievous, even dangerous creatures. Stories of leprechauns luring travelers into bogs or inflicting injuries on those passing through wooded areas go back as far as the 8th century, but sociologists now agree that such behavior is not characteristic of leprechauns, and is, in fact, quite rare. While there may be some basis in truth for these stories it’s widely accepted that destructive behavior was the act of a minority among leprechauns who, feeling marginalized from the culture as a whole, acted out in anti-social ways. Unfortunately this misconception has been perpetuated and reinforced by stories that are still told to children, as well as in movies, such as the 1993 film Leprechaun, its many sequels including 2000’s Leprechaun in the Hood, and, of course, the 1980 Al Pacino movie Cruising.

There is also a less common misconception of leprechauns as helpful. There are stories of leprechauns discreetly doing farm work, including harvesting, milking cows, and repairing small machinery. Again there may be some basis for these stories, but not all leprechauns enjoy the outdoors or are suited for farm work. Many prefer to work in offices, or seek employment in fields such as shoemaking. This is, of course, not to say that all leprechauns are adept at working with footwear, but many did find this to be an accepted trade. It’s believed this originated from leprechauns making shoes for fairies who, being generally more accepted, would be asked by more common folk where they got such amazing stilettoes. Working as cobblers proved to be profitable even when leprechauns were subject to such fierce discrimination that they were kept out of most cities and towns and had to form their own exclusive villages, commonly known as leprechaulonies.

Stories of farmers rewarding helpful leprechauns with suits of clothes, only to find that the leprechauns considered this an insult and would disappear, may also have some basis in truth, mainly because you can’t expect a leprechaun to wear that coat with those pants, especially after Labor Day.

Finally we come to the most common and persistent belief about leprechauns: that they are hoarders of massive quantities of gold which they keep in pots at the end of rainbows. This belief has been so pervasive that attempts have been made to lure leprechauns with artificial rainbows by everyone from Sir Isaac Newton to the manager of the band Pink Floyd. As a belief it was understandable at a time when people regarded meteorological phenomena as magical, unlike now when it’s understood that rainbows are caused by the refraction of sunlight through water droplets suspended in centaur farts. Because rainbows rarely have ends that reach the ground it’s still not understood how exactly leprechauns could have kept their alleged pots of gold at the ends of rainbows, in spite of several theories advanced by folklorists and experiments attempting to hang pots of gold from rainbows using balloons. A frequently repeated tale is that a leprechaun, when caught, may be forced to give up the location of his pot of gold, but only if the person who caught him keeps his eyes fixed on the leprechaun. In stories of this type the leprechaun often escapes capture by telling the person who caught him that there’s a fierce beast or the Chrysler building just over his shoulder. Folklorists believe that there is some truth in this, but only to the extent that leprechauns seem to have invented the “made you look” joke. Also it’s now known that leprechauns are not inherently wealthy. While there are some who have enjoyed success—the heir to the Lucky Charms fortune, for instance, or Mickey Rooney—leprechauns are no more likely to be wealthy than the general population.That concludes the lecture for today. In preparation for next week read pages 126-153, when we will be discussing genetic mutation and its potential for altering reality. Our lab work will involve real four-leaf clovers, but I’d better not catch any of you wishing for a better grade.

Submitted For Your Approval., The Vault

See Uranus.

Author: March 13, 2022 6 Comments

Source: Wikipedia

On March 13th, 1781 the composer, musician, and amateur astronomer William Herschel looked through his telescope and realized what he’d initially thought was a comet was, in fact, a previously unknown planet. It was the first planet discovered in modern times and, after a lot of discussion, would eventually be named Uranus, after the primordial Greek god of the sky. Although it had been observed since ancient times it was so distant and so difficult to see it was assumed to be a star. The discovery that it was a planet is why I think Uranus deserves special recognition.

This has been an unusual time for Uranus. Normally it can only be seen through a telescope, although it was occasionally seen with the naked eye by ancient astronomers, but recently Uranus has been visible with a pair of binoculars, thanks to a waxing crescent Moon, which it’s been close to in the constellation Aries. Although Uranus at its closest is 1.6 billion miles of Earth it’s currently 1.8 billion miles away, making its 84-year journey around the sun with its peculiar sideways tilt. Uranus keeps one pole toward the sun at all times and its rings were only discovered in 1977 when astronomers watched Uranus pass in front of a star. Before going behind Uranus the star appeared to blink.

When Voyager 2 flew past Uranus in 1986 astronomers were unimpressed and thought it was a pretty boring planet. Since then interest in Uranus has picked up. Seasonal changes and wind speeds of 560 miles per hour have been found on Uranus. Its temperature of -200 degrees Celsius means Uranus is a very, very cold place, but even stranger is that it’s the only one of the gas giants that doesn’t release detectable heat.

At one time scientists also thought the enormous pressures might turn carbon in Uranus’s atmosphere into giant diamonds. Now the thinking is that those pressures might produce diamonds but crush them, creating diamond rainfall. Still we don’t know whether this even happens. Uranus still holds so many mysteries.

If space travel advances Uranus may someday also be very important as a launching point for missions leaving the solar system, and the large quantities of methane in Uranus may even be a source of fuel. There’s also the town of Uranus, Missouri, a small stopping point for tourists along the historic Route 66, where you can visit the Fudge Factory And General Store and play a little golf at Uranus Putt Pirates, and where, the mayor has told me, they celebrate every March 13th.

All this is why I think Uranus Day is an event we can all get behind.

 

Ramble With Me., Submitted For Your Approval., The Vault

Poaching On 2021.

Author: December 24, 2021 8 Comments

Source: IMDB

Since it’s Christmas Eve again–seems like the last one was only a year ago–I’m making the traditional Eggs Benedict for my wife. It’s fun and fairly easy and not named after either Benedict Arnold or the Jeffersons’ British neighbor so once again I’m sharing the recipe here for anyone else who’d also like to give it a try. This recipe serves three, or six people if you’re serving it with a side dish, or one person if they’re really hungry and are trying to send their cholesterol level off the charts.

You will need:

  • About three billion eggs, or maybe only a dozen
  • A pound of butter (or two eight ounce sticks) at room temperature
  • Six tablespoons of lemon juice
  • Three English muffins (which are neither English nor muffins)

First halve and toast the English muffins. Classic Eggs Benedict calls for a slice of ham on the English muffin halves, but for some that may be too much. Tasty alternatives include slices of avocado or smoked salmon or nothing or whatever you want.

Poach six eggs. If you have an egg poacher you can use that. I’ve also poached the eggs by adding water and a small amount of vinegar to a shallow pan, but that’s tricky because you have to keep the water just below boiling. Place an egg on each of the English muffin halves.

You can now set this aside in a warm oven.

The Hollandaise sauce is the hard part, but it comes together quickly. Oh, wait, that’s why it’s hard. This ain’t a recipe you can walk away from. First separate the yolks from the whites or, to be more accurate, from the clears. It’s okay to leave some of the clear with the yolks. Since this version of Hollandaise sauce is basically a savory lemon custard some albumen will help it hold together.

Combine the egg yolks and the lemon juice in a pan over low heat.  

Add half the butter. Stir slowly.

Once the butter is melted continue stirring for about a minute then add the second half of the butter. Stir vigorously. At this point the eggs will start to cook and the sauce will thicken. This is when you have to work fast. Just after the butter is completely melted the sauce is culinary nitroglycerine. It won’t blow up but it is seriously unstable. Get it off the heat and evenly distribute it over the English muffin halves and poached eggs.

For some color sprinkle on a little paprika or some parsley or both for a seasonal red and green effect. In fact this is a recipe and those aren’t written in stone, so if you want to substitute actual muffins and Cadbury chocolate eggs go for it because there’s no place like home for the Hollandaise.

Submitted For Your Approval., The Vault

Ghosts Of Christmas Past.

Author: December 21, 2021 4 Comments

Christmas 1990. That’s me in the middle.

A post over at mydangblog about the worst Christmas carols got me thinking about how ghost stories used to be a popular Christmas tradition, and if it sounds like a pretty convoluted line of thought led to that you would be correct. It started with “Good King Wenceslas”, probably one of the best Christmas carols you’ve never heard. At least it never seems to make it into the top forty, at least in the United States, although you can hear a few notes of it at the beginning of A Christmas Carol and in Scrooged and other places. And it’s one that tells a nice story of King Wenceslas who goes out on the day after Christmas in the bitter cold to give charity to the poor. He’s followed by his page who doesn’t want to go on but follows in the good king’s footsteps.

It’s got a catchy tune too which, funny enough, came from a 13th century tune celebrating the arrival of spring, but I don’t see anything wrong with repurposing an old song.

From my copy of A Child’s Christmas In Wales.

And honestly I’d already been thinking about the British tradition of telling ghost stories at Christmas, partly because I was remembering a Christmas party I went to in Britain where everyone dressed up in costumes. I went as Mozart because, well, I have kind of a distinctive laugh, but that’s another story. And also every year at Christmas I read Dylan Thomas’s A Child’s Christmas In Wales, specifically the copy I bought in his hometown Laugharne when I went there in December of 1990, which brings me to ghost stories and “Good King Wenceslas”. Toward the end of his recollections of Christmas Dylan Thomas has his own ghost story:

Bring out the tall tales now that we told by the fire as the gaslight bubbled like a diver. Ghosts whooed like owls in the long nights when I dared not look over my shoulder; animals lurked in the cubbyhole under the stairs where the gas meter ticked. And I remember that we went singing carols once, when there wasn’t the shaving of a moon to light the flying streets. At the end of a long road was a drive that led to a large house, and we stumbled up the darkness of the drive that night, each one of us afraid, each one holding a stone in his hand in case, and all of us too brave to say a word. The wind through the trees made noises as of old and unpleasant and maybe webfooted men wheezing in caves. We reached the black bulk of the house.
“What shall we give them? Hark the Herald?”
“No,” Jack said, “Good King Wencelas. I’ll count three.”
One, two, three, and we began to sing, our voices high and seemingly distant in the snow-felted darkness round the house that was occupied by nobody we knew. We stood close together, near the dark door.
Good King Wencelas looked out
On the Feast of Stephen…
And then a small, dry voice, like the voice of someone who has not spoken for a long time, joined our singing: a small, dry, eggshell voice from the other side of the door: a small, dry voice through the keyhole. And when we stopped running we were outside our house; the front room was lovely; balloons floated under the hot-water-bottle-gulping gas; everything was good again and shone over the town.
“Perhaps it was a ghost,” Jim said.
“Perhaps it was trolls,” Dan said, who was always reading.
“Let’s go in and see if there’s any jelly left,” Jack said. And we did that.

I think a rousing chorus of “Good King Wenceslas” should be part of every caroler’s repertoire, as a way of following in their footsteps.

Submitted For Your Approval.

Gather ‘Round The TV.

Author: December 3, 2021 10 Comments

It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)-This beloved classic languished in obscurity after losing money in its initial box office run but was rediscovered thanks to cable reruns and a copyright loophole and has become as much a part of the season as Christmas trees and Santa figures, even if some folks only tune in for the last twenty minutes or so.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, in spite of only a small part of the film taking place during Christmas.

 

A Christmas Story (1983)-Another well-loved classic that seemed to be forgotten until cable reruns turned everything from the leg lamp to Scut Farkus and the bunny suit into cultural touchstones.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, the whole story builds to a glorious Christmas morning, and, as a special bonus, there’s a part where Wizard of Oz characters beat up Mickey Mouse.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)-Considered by many to be the best adaptation of Dickens’ classic ever the film doesn’t shy away from the story’s darker themes while also keeping a sense of whimsy.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, not only because Christmas isn’t complete without A Christmas Carol but also because the pairing of Michael Caine and the Muppets was genius.

 

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)-Notable for being an instant classic the TV special animated the popular Peanuts gang from the comic strip.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, thanks in part to Linus’s poignant recitation from the book of Luke and Charlie Brown’s rescue of a dilapidated tree, and also it’s a cartoon and cartoons are a major part of the holidays.

 

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)-A brilliant adaptation of Dr. Seuss’s book the story is similar to A Christmas Carol with a villain who hates Christmas finding the holiday spirt, but rather than ghosts it’s a community’s joy that ultimately transforms the Grinch.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, and as an added bonus is narrated by Boris “Frankenstein” Karloff with the Grinch’s theme sung by Thurl Ravenscroft. Also it’s a cartoon and cartoons are a major part of the holidays.

 

Scooged (1988)-Bill Murray offers up a decidedly different and modern-day take on Ebenezer Scrooge as a television executive facing the biggest challenge of his career and confronting his own troubled past. With its adult humor, the death of a homeless man, and violence it’s definitely a mature adaptation, but good family fun if you’re the Addams Family.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes. Though critics are divided over the ending the stellar cast and satirical touches make it work and as an added bonus at one point Bobcat Goldthwaite says “flatulating butthead”.

 

Die Hard (1988)-All NYPD Detective John McClane wants is to have a nice Christmas on the west coast but gets drawn into a criminal mastermind’s plot to steal untraceable bearer bonds by posing as a terrorist.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes. Not only does most of the action take place on Christmas Eve with a plot that’s as much about family, love, and reconciliation as it is high-stakes crime but Hans Gruber falling from the 25th floor of the Nakatomi Tower has graced everything from advent calendars to Christmas sweaters.

 

A Wish for Wings That Work: An Opus Christmas Story (1991)-All Opus the penguin from the popular Bloom County comic strip wants for Christmas is a pair of wings that work, a wish that’s ultimately fulfilled in a surprising and offbeat way.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes. Although peppered with adult humor and not as successful as other animated specials Opus is a lovable character and it’s a cartoon and cartoons are a major part of the holidays. With no formal release it seems destined for obscurity but is fun at least for Bloom County fans with a memorable cameo by Robin Williams and a bonkers dream sequence.

Mary Poppins (1964)-While not set during Christmas the story of the magical nanny played by Julie Andrews usually gets broadcast a few times during the holiday season, making it, for some, an annual tradition.

Is it a Christmas movie? Mixed. Like many Christmas films it’s ultimately a story of putting aside material things in favor of family. It also has a cameo by Reginald Owen who played Ebenezer Scrooge in a 1938 adaptation of A Christmas Carol, and extended animated sequences, and cartoons are a major part of the holidays. Really it’s also a story for any season.

 

The Addams Family (1991)-While the film’s only true Christmas moment is the opening which recreates a Charles Addams cartoon of the title family about to pour a bubbling cauldron of something on holiday carolers it’s still a fun film with a sincere message about the importance of family.

Is it a Christmas movie? Save this one for Halloween.

 

The Wizard Of Oz (1939)-Also not set during Christmas but frequently appearing in the listings during the holiday season the adaptation of L. Frank Baum’s novel starring a young Judy Garland is, for some, another holiday tradition.

Is it a Christmas movie? Mixed. It’s a film that families often enjoy together and Dorothy’s ultimate goal is to get back home to her family in Kansas. The Wizard is also played by but is another one for any season.

 

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)-An early stop-motion special from what would eventually become the Rankin/Bass company this special really set the standard for Christmas special to come, creatively expanding the story of Rudolph to include an elf who wants to be a dentist and the Island of Misfit Toys.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, not only for its themes of family and acceptance but also the genial narration of Burl Ives.

 

Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory (1971)-The psychedelic musical adaptation of Roald Dahl’s classic children’s novel was a box office failure but eventually earned widespread acclaim thanks to frequent appearances in the holiday season lineup. Those of us who grew up before VCRs and on-demand video remember looking forward to it as a sign that seasonal treats were coming our way.

Is it a Christmas movie? Mixed. It’s a fun family film but Gene Wilder’s Wonka could outshine Santa. Better save this one for Thanksgiving.

The Hobbit (1977)– Before Peter Jackson became a cinematic geek god with his stunning adaptation of The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and became a cinematic geek devil by adapting The Hobbit into a bloated, cringe-inducing trilogy there was the animated version of The Hobbit, brought to us by the same people behind the stop-motion holiday specials, and forever making Orson Bean the voice of Bilbo even if Martin Freeman and Ian Holm do a pretty good job.

Is it a Christmas movie? Mixed. It is a cartoon and for those of us of a certain age it was our introduction to Tolkien and the reason we put his books on our Christmas wish lists, but better reserved for Thanksgiving.

 

Elf (2003)-An unusually family-friendly film from the usually more adult performer Will Ferrell and director Jon Favreau Elf manages to be both clever and sincere without being maudlin.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes, and it benefits from Ed Asner as Santa Claus and one of Santa’s real elves who bears a striking resemblance to Bob Newhart.

 

Watership Down (1978)-An adaptation of the Richard Adams novel this animated story of cute bunnies who deal with death and violence, escaping snares and scarring each other, has been known to traumatize children.

Is it a Christmas movie? Well, it is a cartoon and those are a major part of the holidays, but save this one for Easter.

 

Home Alone (1990)-While some question whether it really qualifies as a Christmas classic the story of a kid accidentally left at home and cleverly dealing with a pair of professional crooks is set during Christmas and is a family story at heart.

Is it a Christmas movie? Yes and no. If it’s a tradition in your family that’s great, but Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern getting smacked around for a solid hour doesn’t put everyone in the holiday spirit.

 

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)-Jim Carrey’s expressive range is extended with makeup and CGI in a much darker, even cynical reimagining of the Doctor Seuss classic.

Is it a Christmas movie? NO. It’s awful and anyone who wants to enjoy the Dr. Seuss classic should either stick with the book or the earlier animated version because cartoons are a major part of the holidays.

Submitted For Your Approval., The Weekly Essay

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