Happy Birthday.

Everybody sing!

Annual Report: 2019/2020

Author: April 1, 2020 13 Comments

April 2019-The Freethinkers Anonymous fiscal year runs from April 1 to March 30, because dates are arbitrary anyway and it’s not like this blog makes any money. And here’s a fun fact: the word “fiscal” comes from the Latin fiscus, meaning “the imperial treasury or privy purse of the Emperor”. My grandfather had a privy. It was out back and had a hole in the door in the shape of a crescent moon. I don’t recall there being a purse in there, although it wasn’t a place you wanted to linger. Speaking of lingering this was the month that staff were confronted with a pileup of approximately three thousand coffee cups in the office sink. Plans to either have a group washing activity or outsource the cleaning to someone with a dishwasher were considered then rejected in favor of smashing all the cups while dancing to the theme from Zorba The Greek.

May 2019-A shortage of coffee cups resulted in staff spending an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen putting creamer and sugar in their mouths before pouring coffee directly from the pot into their mouths. A decision was made by management to use the petty cash to purchase new coffee cups. Staff agreed on the condition that the petty cash purse never be placed in the privy.

June 2019-Someone in the office mentioned that the punctuation mark “colon” is sort of a separator the same way the colon in the intestine is and everyone just sort of drifted off for several hours thinking about that.

July 2019-The annual attempt to find the best milkshake in Nashville once again was disrupted, this time by the realization that there are approximately nine thousand gyro places within five miles of the office. This led to the decision to try to determine which was the best gyro in Nashville, or at least within a five mile radius, and in the interest of fairness the decision was made to test them all at once. This led staff to attempt to answer the question, how many gyros can one person eat in one sitting? The average was three, with a record set by Alex who ate seven and was out the rest of the week.

August 2019-Staff were surprised and overjoyed when it was discovered that ukuleles could be checked out from the public library. The mood was dampened slightly when the boss said, “Hey, did you know I could borrow a ukulele?” and the boss’s wife said, “YOU can’t.”

September 2019-Planning for the book went ahead as usual. Proposed subtitles include:

Never pick apart a golf ball or it will explode and other lies our parents told us

The true story of a boy and his aardvark.

Don’t pick up this book—you don’t know where it’s been.

Chuffed, Naff, Barmy, Wanker, Git, Bollocks, And Other Words I’d Use Constantly If I Were British.

Contains Material Not Included In Previous Editions.

A shoe, a canoe, and a didgeridoo.

Or It Will Be If I Ever Get Around To Writing It

A helpful guide to just read the damn book already.

October 2019-Plans to build a trans-office zipline were put on hold after the only material staff could find was some regular string and no one could get the windows open.

November 2019-No one in the office could remember anything that happened in November and queries resulted in everyone just sort of drifting off for several hours thinking about it.

December 2019– The annual office holiday party was held, as usual, at the Sheepshead Pub on 27th Avenue. As usual no one showed up.

January 2020-Everyone got really excited about the symmetry of the new year and how those novelty glasses you can get that are designed in the shape of the numbers “2020” look really cool. Someone brought up that those number glasses for the previous nine years must have looked pretty stupid, especially 2011, and everyone just sort of drifted off for several hours thinking about that.

February 2020-Valentines and flowers were exchanged by all staff, as usual, with everyone receiving something, except Kevin, as usual.

March 2020-Staff handled the need for self-isolation and working from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic with great aplomb and everyone was about to drift off for several hours thinking about the etymology of the word “aplomb” when management announced that we were out of coffee.

Source: Giphy

 

Happy Birthday., Not Non-Fiction, Submitted For Your Approval.

Falling With Style.

Author: June 28, 2019 17 Comments

The swimming pool had two diving boards over the deep end. There was the low diving board that hung about three feet above the water. The only difference between jumping from the low diving board and jumping from the edge of the pool was that the low diving board put you a little farther out over the water. And it was kind of springy so you could bounce at the end of the board and it would propel you upward slightly. I liked to jump from the low board into the deep end and swim all the way to the bottom, twelve feet down, and look up. The watery surface overhead was like a shimmering screen, and the sun was like a sapphire. Then I’d have to come up. Or, on slow days when the pool wasn’t crowded, I could jump off the low board and swim all the way across the pool without surfacing. The first time I did that it was exhilarating. I felt like I’d really accomplished something, and what I accomplished was nearly hyperventilating at the edge of the pool because I was breathing so hard, which reminds me of the time I was at my grandparents’ house and my grandmother picked up the phone. She listened for a moment then said to my grandfather, “All I hear is heavy breathing.” My grandfather grabbed the phone and began sternly lecturing the person at the other end about decorum. Then he got quiet and listened and said to my grandmother, “Jim’s car broke down and he just pushed it two miles uphill to the service station.”

Anyway the high diving board, twelve feet high if I remember correctly although it seemed like it loomed a hundred feet overhead. It might as well have been that high. I wasn’t going up there. Well, I did. After all it was there, a mountain to be climbed, or rather a ladder to be climbed and jumped off of. I told myself that I was interested in swimming, not airing, and that if I really wanted to drop twelve feet I could by going from the surface of the pool to the bottom. It drew me, though. I had mastered everything else at the pool—not that there was much to master. After swimming from one end of the pool to the other without taking a breath about the only other thing that was left was talking the guy who ran the concession stand into letting me have a full cup of orange soda without ice so I got more orange soda and spent about half an hour sitting in a beach chair feeling bloated and miserable, but that’s another story.

The same summer I made the first swim from one end of the pool to the other I made up my mind I was going to jump from the high dive. The worst that could happen, I figured, was that I’d fall in the water.

It was about that time, on a slow, hot afternoon when there was hardly anyone around, when even the lifeguard was barely paying attention, that another kid walked out to the end of the high dive, bounced a couple of times, lost his balance, and fell sideways. He landed flat on his back on the concrete below. I didn’t see it happen. I just saw him stretched out as though sleeping, and the emergency team with the stretcher that took him away. He survived, and word got around that he recovered, but he never came back to the pool.

Later that summer, on a busy day when the pool was crowded, I got in line with all the other swimmers who were going off the high dive. I climbed the ladder, walked onto the board, and gripped the handrails. The handrails ended about halfway. Beyond them was just the board and open air. I stood up there holding the handrails for what seemed like an hour, then climbed back down. No one laughed or made fun of me. The next person in line, an older guy, just nodded at me, climbed the ladder, and did a spectacular dive off the board.

The next summer I watched a couple of my friends go off the high dive. Sometimes we’d do synchronized jumps, me going off the low dive and, of course, hitting the water much sooner, or I’d wait and try to time it so we’d hit the water at the same time. And finally one day I decided I was going to do it. I climbed the ladder. I gripped the handrails as I walked out toward the end of the board, then let go. I didn’t bounce and I walked slowly, and when I got to the end of the board I jumped, feet first. It wasn’t an impressive dive, or even a dive really, but I plunged into the water. That was all I wanted—to make that leap.

Twenty-six years ago, on June 27th, 1993 I married my wife. It wasn’t as frightening, probably because the justice of the peace who performed the ceremony looked so much like John Cleese that my only regret is that when he read the vows I didn’t say, “What was the thing in the middle?” It was really her by my side that assured me, though, and every day I look forward to a new leap.

Happy Birthday., The Weekly Essay

Annual Report: 2018/2019

Author: April 1, 2019 6 Comments

April 2018-The Freethinkers Anonymous fiscal year runs from April 1 to March 30th in spite of this blog not actually being a company or even making any money. It is, however, a great opportunity to remember a now-retired coworker who pronounced the word “fiscal” as “physical”, and would even write statements about “the physical year” in emails and had to be discouraged from sending emails to anyone outside of the office which was a lot easier to do in the day when communicating with anyone outside the office was done by phone, telegram, and snail mail, which often raised the question, would sending mail by snails actually work? Staff were then sent out to collect snails but it was determined to be early in the season. A lengthy series of communications within the office then took place around the watercooler.

May 2018-A decision to start paying staff in Paraguayan Guarani raised several questions. Primarily the symbol for the Guarani, ₲, prompted several staff members to remember that guy from high school who had a Commodore 64 and on the keyboard Shift-4 was actually a £ sign, not the number sign, and when and why did people start calling it a “hashtag”? The rest of the month was lost to playing with different fonts and trying to figure out who created the Wingdings font and why.

June 2018-An office poll was taken and staff were evenly divided on the question of whether it was possible to use the word “pneumatic” gratuitously.

July 2018-The annual attempt to find the best local milkshake raised several questions: how to define “local”, whether chain restaurants could be included if they’ve only expanded to a few states and haven’t gone national, whether the emphasis should be on places that mostly serve ice cream or burger joints, whether it was an appropriate subject since this really isn’t a food blog, what is this blog about and whether making it a food blog would be more physically rewarding, and why milkshakes?

August 2018-A sudden and serious dip in productivity resulted in a stern lecture from the office management. It was later determined that the lecture would have been more effective if it had been delivered during work hours. The mistake was attributed to confusion resulting from the change to Daylight Savings Time. No one could explain why office management decided to make the change to Daylight Savings Time five months late.

September 2018–
Hugh: Welcome back to the World Croquet Finals here in Paramaribo. With several surprising eliminations this has been quite an exciting match, hasn’t it Jerry?
Jerry: I wouldn’t know. I’ve been drunk since we arrived.
Hugh: The rainy conditions have made this year’s match quite difficult with a soft pitch and of course the grounds crew has had to come out early each day and remove the snails.
Jerry: The biggest challenge I’ve had has been staying upright. Have you seen how much they’re asking for rum in the duty free shop in the hotel lobby? Hell, it’s cheaper than bottled water.
Hugh: The soggy conditions have really slowed down play.
Jerry: Speaking of soggy conditions I thought the bathroom in my hotel room had a light that automatically came on when I opened the door. Turns out I’ve been peeing in the minibar.
Hugh: You’ll notice that Dr. Brantley of the Canadian team managed to successfully croquet her opponent but she’s now facing a narrow hoop that will be difficult to get through. Do you know the common expression for that sort of hoop?
Jerry: Whoa! Look at her hit those balls with that big hammer! Can I get her phone number? I’m asking for a friend of course.
Hugh: I hate you so much.

October 2018-Plans for the office corn maze were abandoned when it was discovered squirrels and birds had eaten all the corn.

November 2018-Staff were occupied for most of the month discussing the question of whether November should be accompanied by a month called “Somember”, preferably in the summer which lacks any months ending in “ber” and also is never long enough. This may not seem like much of an issue but you’d be surprised how much time staff can spend on a question like that.

January 2019-Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, sit ne patrioque similique, eum in inimicus vulputate. Eu pri dicta detracto mnesarchum. Mea meliore noluisse dissentiet ne. Ei sea quaeque pneumatica lacquasso.

February 2019-An office poll was taken and staff were evenly united on the question of whether or not I should take a shower.

March 2019-An office poll was taken and staff celebrated the decision to conduct all internal office communications, including the release of the annual 2018/2019 annual report, by means of pneumatic tubes.

Happy Birthday., Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., Submitted For Your Approval.

Preacher Woman.

Author: May 3, 2018 1 Comment

Source: Wikipedia

If, like me, you started watching Whose Line Is It Anyway? in its original run as a British program, which, on this side of the pond, ran on a fledgling comedy network that wasn’t up to making shows of its own yet, but that’s another story, you probably remember Sandi Toksvig, whose birthday is today. At least you should because she was brilliant. I remember that when the group improvised a gospel song she didn’t sing. She got down and preached, and not just to the choir.
Since then she’s taken over as host of QI, because she has that special gravitas that makes you feel like your IQ is going up just listening to her, was the host of The News Quiz and 1001 Things You Should Know, founded the Women’s Equality Party, co-hosts The Great British Bake Off, has written a slew of books for children and adults, and gave an amazing TED Talk, all of which makes me wonder where she finds the time, but of course she makes it look easy because she’s brilliant.
Preach on, Sandi Toksvig, preach on.

 

Happy Birthday.

Great Expectations.

Author: April 8, 2018 6 Comments

If I said “British comedian” without any other information what would your expectations be? If I added that he was born in Lancashire what would your expectations be? When I first heard Tez Ilyas, whose birthday is today, on a radio program where the host introduced him as one of her favorite comics I really only expected him to be funny, but I also thought his background—he’s of Pakistani descent–might be part of his comedy. And it is, and it’s really funny.

 

Happy Birthday.

Annual Report: 2017/2018

Author: April 1, 2018 6 Comments

April 2017-The Freethinkers Anonymous fiscal year runs from April 1st-March 30th for reasons no one can remember and no one really wants to bother to research because the archive is located in the attic and there are wasps up there. This year the team responsible for writing the 2017/2018 annual report looked at the calendar and was faced with a crisis: delay because April 1st was Easter, or go ahead and risk getting egged? After much discussion the decision was made to go ahead when an assistant manager said, “If you’re going to postpone it you better hurry up and do it.” There was also discussion about whether April 2018 would be mentioned in the report, but this was put aside with a company-wide vote affirming that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb with really bad diarrhea.

May 2017-An internal audit revealed that sometimes the company finances are in the red and sometimes in the black and sometimes in green and once in a color that, after much research, was revealed to be Noodler’s Dragon’s Napalm. A team was put together to figure out whether there’s actually any money coming in and also to figure out what the word “amortize” means.

June 2017-A series of focus groups drawn from the general population was brought in and asked whether they preferred the 1977 Rankin-Bass animated version of J.R.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit or the three-part live-action version directed by Peter Jackson released beginning in 2012. Respondents fell into three broad categories: those who were unfamiliar with or had never seen either adaptation, those who preferred the 1977 Rankin-Bass animated version, and those who preferred the live-action version. The first two groups were dismissed. The final group was kept and asked a series of additional questions starting with, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

July 2017-Kevin was sent out for milkshakes. At the time of this report he has not yet returned.

August 2017-Blah blah blah productivity blah efficiency blah staff morale blah blah blah accounting something something pensions lost blah blah criminal charges blah prison time yadda yadda something something anyone else remember the show Hill Street Blues and the guy who called people “dogbreath”? What was that supposed to mean?

September 2017-
Chuck: Let’s take a call. It looks like we have Gloria from Poughkeepsie on line 2. Hi Gloria, welcome to the show. What’s your question?
Gloria: Hi Chuck. My husband and I have invested in a small property which we plan to use for short-term rentals. What zoning regulations do we need to look at most carefully, and what kind of insurance should we get in the case of property damage?
Chuck: That’s a great question, Gloria. That’s a really good question. Boy, is that a good question. You know, when my producer suggested we do a show on real estate I didn’t anticipate a question that good. In some cultures people eat leeches. To get back to your question, Gloria, it’s a really good question. That’s the sort of question you really put a lot of thought into. The Beach Boys used a theremin in their song “Good Vibrations”. Anyway, regarding your question, that’s a really good question. One of the most famous stage directions in theater is “Exeunt pursued by a bear,” from Shakespeare’s A Winter’s Tale, and on that note it looks like we’re out of time. Thanks for your call, Gloria! And the producer is telling me we still have a minute and a half, so I’m going to curl up into a ball on the floor until everyone goes away.

October 2017-The company corn maze was deemed an enormous success. The only dissenting voice came from Tom in advertising who suggested that it would have been better if the corn had actually been planted several months earlier instead of just scattered on the ground. Katherine in security took him aside and explained that if he didn’t think it was a success he’d be “sent out for milkshakes”. After this brief meeting staff approval of the maze was unanimous.

November 2017-A staff memo recommending that Kevin be put in charge of the office thermostat contained a typo with the result that the office thermostat was adjusted to Kelvin. Staff remarked that it did seem a lot warmer now that all temperatures were adjusted upward by 273 degrees Celsius or 460 degrees Fahrenheit.

December 2017-The annual office holiday party was held, as usual, at the Sheepshead Pub on 27th Avenue. As usual no one showed up.

January 2018-Management announced that this was the perfect time to wash the car. A focus group made up solely of managers was put together and subjected to a series of questions starting with, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

February 2018-Valentines were exchanged by all staff on February on Tuesday, February 13th, because that’s how we roll. Accounting reminded everyone that the question of black versus red ink had been brought up several months earlier but never fully resolved. A decision was made to use multiple colors and let everything sort itself out later. This was followed by a toast made with glasses of chartreuse.

March 2018-Exeunt pursued by a lamb.

 

 

Happy Birthday., Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., Ramble With Me., Submitted For Your Approval.

Everybody’s Comedian.

Author: February 1, 2018 6 Comments

Source: YouTube

There were a lot of funny people on Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist. I was already familiar with some while the show introduced me to others who were so funny I couldn’t wait to tell  jokes the next day at work until my boss would have to interrupt and ask about the earnings reports, but that’s another story. One of those wonderful discoveries was Ron Lynch, whose birthday is today. And my boss was glad that repeating a Ron Lynch joke is nearly impossible, unless, of course, you’re Ron Lynch. Years later I was lucky enough to start reading Ann Koplow’s blog, and while she’s even luckier to have worked with Lynch I feel lucky to have learned more about him through her.

I’m going to use a term I’m not all that fond of, but bear with me. Normally when someone is described as a “comedians’ comedian”—or a “musicians’ musician” or, well, you can fill in the profession, especially if the profession is mason—it’s a backhanded compliment that means someone so brilliant at what they do their work is only truly appreciated by other professionals. Sometimes it’s really an insult, both to the performer who’s being subtly criticized for not being “accessible” and to regular audiences who are faulted for not getting it.

Some people might call Ron Lynch a “comedians’ comedian” because of the way he plays around, interrupts himself, and breaks down a joke—and, for that matter, because he frequently doesn’t rely on the traditional setup : punchline, but Ron Lynch is like a magician who shows you how a trick is done and still manages to dazzle you with it. Or, to put it another way, fool me once, that’s hilarious, Ron Lynch, fool me twice, you did it again, Ron Lynch, fool me three times, it could only be Ron Lynch.

Happy Birthday.

Little Things Get Big.

Author: January 15, 2018 4 Comments

Source: Village Voice

Sometimes all it takes is one little thing. Back in 2012 comedian Josh Gondelman, whose birthday is today, co-created the Twitter account @SeinfeldToday which has spawned dozens of imitators. This is not to say that he stopped there, of course. He performs regularly. One of his life performances was featured on the Bullseye With Jesse Thorn podcast as part of the End of Year 2017 Comedy Special. He has a story about how he had what may be the most memorable wedding reception ever, and that’s all I’m gonna say.
And these are only steps in a career that’s been steadily rising. He’s had articles published in McSweeney’s and other publications,  and since 2014 he’s been a writer for John Oliver Tonight.
Yeah, I guess now that I think about it that’s a lot of little things adding up to a lot.

Happy Birthday.

Rocket Man.

Author: December 5, 2017 6 Comments

Many years ago when I was in Britain I fell in love. And how could I not? Snooker is unbelievably complicated but also elegant and fun and I was absolutely smitten from the first moment I picked up a cue and potted a red ball. Granted I was, and still am, not very good at it, although there was a professor who fancied himself a bit of a snooker shark and liked to put other players in what he thought were impossible situations. And somehow I could always find my way out and he’d grudgingly say, “Nice shot,” but that’s another story.

Ronnie O’Sullivan, whose birthday is today, is an amazing snooker player, staggering to watch.  Here is twenty years, and in record time, earning him the nickname “The Rocket”. If you’re unfamiliar here’s how it works: the game starts with fifteen red balls, worth one point each, and six balls of other colors—yellow (2 points), green (3 points), brown (4 points), blue (5 points), pink (6 points), and black (7 points)—on the table. A player must pocket a red ball first for one point and then can pocket a ball of any other color for the corresponding points. The red balls stay pocketed but the other balls are replaced until the red balls are gone. Then the player must pocket the other balls in order. If one player accidentally sinks the wrong ball the other player gets the points and the turn.

Ronnie O’Sullivan is the master of the nice shot.

Happy Birthday.

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