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January 17, 2003

According to the fashion experts, who, for once, yelled loudly enough that I actually heard them through the mental concrete wall I automatically put up whenever I heard the words, "And in fashion news…" this year fur is back in. Fur coats, fur stoles, fur lining, fur bikinis, fur seat covers for your SUV, fur tea cozies, and fur sinks are all in this year. This is, of course, part of the schizophrenia that the fashion industry (like any other industry) suffers. For years people in the entertainment and fashion industries have been saying, "No, no, fur is dead!" Then they realized fur really never was alive–just the animals it was attached to. Plus they discovered that if you rub a supermodel with a piece of fur she’ll stick to the wall.

I predict fur will be, for the next few years, what cigars were in the 1990’s: that guilty pleasure a few hip people indulge in even though they know it’s bad, at least until everyone else jumps on the same bandwagon. Heck, the way these things go I figure next year the clubs used to bash baby fur seals will be sold as "accessories". And besides, the fashion industry has subsisted for millenia on fur and leather. Of course with cow leather you at least eat the cow – unless you’re afraid of Mad Cow Disease, which was a direct result of sheep parts being fed to cows. This was the height of inhumanity. People can choose to eat beef or mutton or bacon, along with the accompanying risks of heart disease, trichinosis, and tapeworms. Nobody asked the cows if they wanted to eat sheep, and I strongly suspect their answer would have been, "Noooo."

But I digress. Doesn’t it seem slightly backward that animals (i.e. supermodels, species "causus homo erectus") who spend so much time plucking, waxing, and shaving their own body hair would go around wearing the hair of other animals? I won’t even try to disentangle that one. Instead let’s consider some famous people from history who wore fur:

– Henry VIII: Old Henry was such an amazingly great king that there’s never been a Henry IX. (Admittedly VIII is a pretty high number to follow an English king’s name. The French, on the other hand, at last count were up to Louis CXXXVII. The French go through kings so quickly they just call them all "Louis" for convenience.) As you know Henry VIII executed 33.3% of his wives, which doesn’t seem so bad when you consider he never went after any baby fur seals.

– Leopold von Sacher-Masoch: The man who gave us the word "masochism" enjoyed fur in addition to being beaten with whips by tall women in stiletto heels. He kept a piece of fur in his pocket all the time. If this information gives you the creeps, congratulations: you’re completely unlike most people who regularly buy fur.

– Those holier than thou women who wore their cheap fur coats to church even in Summer: Okay, not a historical person but more a type of person whom you’ve probably known at some time. There are some women who think it’s classy to wear coats made from so many different animals that they represent a virtual roadkill ecosystem. Where these women get off looking down their noses at the rest of us is beyond me. Maybe someone should tell them about Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.

Enjoy this week’s fur-free offerings.

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Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with…

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common… They should both be changed regularly — and for the same reason.

Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

I’m so depressed… My Doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about a will. He said, "Will!? What will? I’m making a list of the people I wanna bite."

January 3, 2003

This is it. This is the year I’m going to keep all my New Year’s resolutions. This is the year I’m going to lose weight, eat more leafy green vegetables, get more sleep, work harder, spend more time with family and friends, and set aside some quiet "me" time. This is the year I’m going to buy some expensive hair products and get a whole new wardrobe. I’ll do all this so I can make this the year I’m going to stop being so superficial and stop spending so much time worrying about my hair, clothes, weight, health, whether I’m getting enough sleep, whether I’m doing well at my job, giving enough to family, friends, and myself. This is the year I’ll finally buy one of those vacuum cleaners that is so powerful it can pick up a bowling ball, because I’ve got bowling balls all over my living room and I can’t think of any better way to get them up. This is the year I’ll stop making obscure references that sound like they’re something I made up. This is the year I’ll finally learn the Yorta Yorta Bangerang aboriginal language of Southeast Australia. This is the year I’ll stop digressing. Have you ever noticed how we have digress, egress, regress, progress, and congress but no one knows what a "gress" is? We can invest, harvest, circumvest, advest, disinvest, reinvest, transvest, and unvest and everyone still knows what a vest is. But I divest.

Forget all that. This is the year that I resolve to make absolutely no resolutions so I won’t have to worry about breaking any of them. And if any of you are thinking about or have already made resolutions which you’ll only break and feel guilty about, take this further bit of advice:

Cut back on salt, don’t eat anything sweet,
Avoid beef, chicken, and the other white meat,
Eat fish twice a week, stay away from clams,
Have broccoli at holidays but pass on the yams.
Whiskey, vodka, and gin are taboo; so is any beer;
That biweekly cup of red wine keeps your arteries clear.
Subject yourself frequently to a doctor’s cold hands,
Buy only the most expensive vitamin brands,
Get plenty of exercise but only do it inside,
Use a low-impact machine with an adjustable glide.
Get an ionizing air filter, drink your water distilled,
Keep your lactose-free calcium supplement sufficiently chilled.
Do all this and you’ll live another two years, maybe more,
Just don’t ever ask what it is you’re living for.

December 20, 2002

July 2002 – The results of a five-year study conducted at Oxford University found that vitamin pills were "a waste of time." Clarifying the statement by saying that vitamin pills are safe but ineffective in preventing disease. The doctors who wrote the study added, "You’d probably get more health benefits from eating the paper the study is printed on than you would from those silver multi-vitamins that cost you twenty bucks for a hundred." Side effects of eating the study include dry mouth, nausea, bloating, uncontrollable thirst, and increases the risk that you’ll be put in the Guinness Book of World Records as the first person to consume an entire medical study.

August 2002 – A lawsuit was brought against the University of North Carolina for asking students to read a book about Islam. The plaintiffs said their problem was that the book wasn’t critical enough of Islam. A compromise was reached when all references to the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Holocaust were removed from textbooks the students would be required to read.

September 2002 – The Scots got the Stone of Scone back. The Greek government has asked for the return of the Elgin marbles. The Egyptian government has asked for everything Howard Carter put his hands on. And if you haven’t heard, cuneiform tablets are available for sale on the internet. Leaving them all well behind, though, is this: In Pembrokeshire, Wales a group has begun calling for the return of some very important Welsh monuments: the bluestones used to build Stonehenge. Apparently the people who lived in what is now Wiltshire, 5,000 years ago, violated the rights of whoever was living in Pembrokeshire 5,000 years ago in taking the multi-ton stones and dragging them 250 miles…as if they could have done it without some help from the locals. A search is also underway for descendants of the original builders of the pyramids, in order to compensate them for their great great great great great great great great great grandparents’ unsafe working conditions.

October 2002 – In St. Petersburg, Russia, a statue of a giant nose intended to honor 19th-Century Russian writer Nikolai Gogol, was stolen. The statue was inspired by Gogol’s short story "The Nose" in which a civil servant’s nose detaches itself and goes for a walk while the owner pursues it all over the city. Apparently the statue of the nose has followed its inspiration. A city official said, "It could have been stolen by an art collector, or perhaps a person with a strange sexual fetish." He then added, "Of course if the latter is the case it would probably be better not to find it at all." The artist is re-making the sculpture, although this time he’s adding a birthmark, an important feature of the nose in the story which was left off the original sculpture. The artist explained this change, saying, "Hey, with all the publicity I thought I’d better read the story."

November 2002 – In Eistein, Chile, and not New York or Los Angeles or even London where you’d expect this sort of thing, a coffin thrown into the street by a car crash was left where it fell because passersby thought it was a work of art. A nephew of the deceased man actually described the event as "surreal", but apparently didn’t know at the time that people thought the coffin was an artistic "happening". I thought about mentioning the cow- eating hippopatomi in Ethiopia, which were also in the news in November 2002, but this story seemed much sadder and poignant. I’d hate to be on my final ride and have everyone think it was merely a surreal art event. I’d much rather have a parade, something everybody could get into.

December 2002 – In what is perhaps the greatest holiday gift he could ever receive, the listing for Christian Coalition leader Pat Robertson’s book "Six Steps to Spiritual Revival" on Amazon.com had a list of recommended alternative titles that included "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Men". (This listing was changed in a record ten minutes after being reported in the online version of London’s The Register). Although he agreed with Jerry Falwell’s statement that homosexuals were, along with feminists, abortion providers, and liberals, responsible for the attacks of September 11th, 2001, he later backpedalled, claiming he hadn’t understood the Reverend Falwell’s remarks. He can also use that defense if anyone discovers a copy of "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Men" on his bedside table.

Also in December, and also from the "I Just Couldn’t Resist" file, according to a poll, the country with the most Scrooges is…Belgium. On average Belgians spend about 608 Euros on Christmas festivities, compared to an average in the rest of Europe of 901 Euros. Ireland leads Europe, spending an average of 1395 Euros per person, although this is mainly due to the fact that, now knowing what Euros look like, the Irish can’t get rid of the dern things fast enough. A spokesperson for Belgium defended the country’s grinchy ways saying, "What do you expect from a country that’s not known for anything other than brussels sprouts?"

Enjoy this week’s offerings, the holiday, and I’ll see you in 2003.

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Julie Andrews is getting old. (Aren’t we all? Well, yes, but then very few of us have the distinction of such a long and varied film career. ) If she were to do "The Sound of Music" NOW (40 years later) the words might be slightly different:

"In A Sound Of Music"
[Author Unknown]

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knittin’.
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin’.
Bundles of magazines tied up with string, 
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
Then I remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food nor food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of winnin’, 
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’.
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I’VE HAD
AND THEN I DON’T FEEL SOOOO BAAAAD!

December 13, 2002

Every year before taking a break from Freethinkers Anonymous I like to look back over the year that was and bring up news stories you know, news stories you may not know, and things that aren’t really news at all but I’m throwing them in because time for holiday shopping is really short. Here are a few reasons why when we look back on 2002 we’ll be glad it’s behind us:

January 2002 – The year started off weird with the town of Lauderhill, Florida, USA, unveiling a plaque that read, "Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive." James Earl Ray assassinated Martin Luther King in 1968. According to the plaque manufacturer, it was an "honest mistake". The plaque was supposed to honor actor James Earl Jones.

February 2002 – The world lost a great genius with the death of animator Chuck Jones who helped create some of the funniest characters ever to grace the silver screen, including Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd. He also gave the world such classic cartoons as "What’s Opera, Doc?" and "One Froggy Evening". I can only hope that Jones’s cartoons will continue to run on Saturday mornings. If they ever stop, the world will have lost more than our sense of humor; we will have lost our essential faith in the faultiness of products produced by Acme.

March 2002 – India, probably the last place in the world where government news and business is carried by pigeons (regular pigeons like the kind that place their own special brand of patina on public monuments and not carrier pigeons which became extinct during World War I) is scrapping its pigeon service and replacing it with e-mail. Although the p-mail has been defended as a dying art, it’s become to expensive and local governments are tired of swallowing the costs. Whether they’re planning to start swallowing the pigeons is not yet known.

April 2002 – In April 2002 I heard five different people use the verb "bonafy". This isn’t really news–it’s something I’ve got to get off my chest. If you haven’t already guessed, these people have somehow decided that the expression "bona fide", which is Latin for "in good faith" is actually spelled "bonafied". As "verbing", if the practice of making nouns and adverbs into verbs, hadn’t weirded the English language enough already.

May 2002 – A businessman and owner of Hafton Castle named Gerrit Wals announced plans for a multimillion dollar theme park near the Scottish town of Bonnybridge. The theme? Aliens and UFOs, of course, since Bonnybridge is known as Britain’s UFO capital for its number of sightings over the years. A spokesperson for Humans Against Alien Attacks said, "We can only oppose this. A themepark makes true believers look like lunatics." The spokesperson then re- wrapped his head with aluminum foil to prevent government thought- control machines from reaching him. The only potential drawback to the theme park is that, being located in a remote area of Scotland, it may be more difficult to find than Area 51.

June 2002 – After Johns Hopkins University astronomers claimed that the "background shade" of the universe was turquoise in January, which would have been big news in the fashion world if people hadn’t stopped paying attention to the space program in 1973, the astronomers announced they’d made a mistake. The background color of the universe is actually beige, and the color was named "cosmic latte". This would have been big news in the coffee industry but the words "latte" and "cosmic" are already used with equal frequency in coffee shops around the world. However, most coffee shops report that you can purchase something that will make you feel "cosmic" from one of their employees–the one who doesn’t bathe much and always gets your change wrong–behind the dumpster.

Next week: Rhyme rage, more weirdness, and what online bookseller Amazon.com revealed about people who read Pat Robertson’s books.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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AN ARKANSAS CHRISTMAS

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
not a darn thing was a movin’, from the front to the back.
The kids were in bed, We had nine at the time,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin’ real fine.
A cold wind was blowin’, up the holler it moaned,
All ten dogs on the porch howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin’ of weapons and guns,
for killin’ God’s creatures, ……there’s no better fun!
The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
to getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I just wanted my Chevy down off the blocks.
Then out in the yard, such a noise did commence,
like something was caught in our new bob-war fence.
I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
the man makin’ that racket, was Good Ol’ St. Nick. 
You may think of Santa in your own mind’s eye,
dressed in a red and white suit, But I’ve got a surprise.
That old boy’s an Arkie, from up near Mt. Gaylor;
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up to a Razorback pig!
He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I must admit from the back, he looked lots like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy from his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one, His shirt said "Lite Beer",
he had no red hat on, but his cap read "John Deere".
He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night.
He ran into the yard, threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, "Get the hell out th’ way!"
I ran out to ask him Why he brought such good cheer;
But instead he just asked me "You get you a deer?"
Then I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
"Merry Christmas to all….. I need a Bud Lite!"

December 6, 2002

Even with Internet commerce blossoming at this time I continue to get so many printed catalogs at this time of year my mailbox is leaning like an ice-coated sapling. Going through these catalogs I like to pick out gifts that range from the goofy to the extravagantly goofy. Surprisingly all of the things I pick don’t make it into next year’s catalogs, but it’s the nature of a mass- market society that every year strange things that no one buys will be produced. In fifty years, of course, all of these will be collectible. Here are my choices for this year:

Rikki Tikki Roadkill–$30.00

According to the catalog that offers is, a hotel in Hawaii will give a free night’s stay to anyone who brings in a dead mongoose. But why go to all the trouble of killing a real mongoose when you can take in this lovely stuffed animal, complete with tire-marks across its middle?

Doggie Shalom Costume–$11.98

Hanukkah is nearly over, but be prepared for next year with this pet costume comes complete with a purple elastic yarmulke and button-on tallits. Okay, in all seriousness…Hanukkah is a wonderful, joyous holiday of hope, symbolism, and history. Please don’t dress your pets up for it. If you want to put cute costumes on your pets, do it on Halloween.

Botticelli Puzzle–$19.00

Everyone should have a glass of wine or two during the holidays, but the Botticelli Puzzle is the ideal gift for your Aunt Doris who drinks more than everyone else combined. It’s a wooden puzzle that holds a bottle of wine so you can’t drink until you solve the puzzle…or until, in complete frustration, you read the instructions, or take a hammer to the damn thing. Either way you’ll need a drink when you’re done playing with the Botticelli Puzzle–and wine may not be strong enough.

Wireless Rain Gauge-$149.00

Coming in at the low end of the extravagantly goofy is the wireless rain gauge complete with LCD display. You set it outside and it, er, collects rain and tells you, um, how much rain has fallen. You could get a $3 plastic rain gauge from your local hardware store, and if you’re really that interested in the weather you probably already have. But hey, this handy little device is self-emptying! The wireless rain gauge is something you get for your rich uncle who not only already has everything but is obsessed with the weather. Of course if you can afford it you should really get him…

Vantage Pro–$595.00
Optional tripod (which you’ve gotta have)–$50.00

The LCD screen of the Vantage Pro is attached by a wire to the tripod which you mount on your roof. The tripod holds the anenometer, rain collector (also self-emptying), temperature and humidity sensors, and barometer. Why turn on the Weather Channel when you can have your own private weather station right in your home? Admittedly this raises the question, Why have your own private weather station? Maybe you know some small child who dreams of nothing else but being a weatherman. Of course the child doesn’t dream of being the guy who always dresses in a parka and rubber overalls and goes out to ask an incoming hurricane if it’s signed a movie deal yet. This child dreams about being that guy who sits behind the fancy desk and plays with the doppler radar, hoping for a tornado full of snow just to see what color that would be on the radar. This child dreams of wearing a suit and tie and not being beaten up all the time and having his lunch money stolen and being able to go to the bathroom without fear of having his head shoved in one of the toilets…but I digress. Hopefully you don’t really know such a child, but if you do your weather station won’t be complete without…

Vantage Pro Computer Interface–$165

This program creates graphs, calculates averages, and analyzes trends. In other words it does everything that the people on the Weather Channel are paid to do, but it does it for just your backyard!

Total Vantage Pro package price: $810.00. This is the high end of extravagantly goofy. The only trouble is that, thanks to technological obsolescence, this system will be the only thing on the list that won’t someday be collectible.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won’t be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange– no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people — nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians — I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right now… Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Witch

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

November 22, 2002

As usual for this time of year I’ve got a cold. Right now it’s mild. I’ve got a bit of sneezing, a little blockage in the nasal cavities, a slightly dry throat, muscle spasms, blurred vision, a dull throbbing ache at the back of my head, I’ve lost all hearing in my right ear, and my lips are chapped. Actually the chapped lips have nothing to do with the cold virus, but they’re a result of my oversized lips. Genetics played a cruel trick on me by giving me such large lips: not only do I have to buy lip balm in bulk, but my dreams of becoming a concert didgeridu player were shattered.

But I digress. Sometimes I think I must carry around a cold virus with me, and it carries a pocket calendar with a specific date some time in November with "FULL SCALE ASSAULT" written on it in red letters. The date is probably determined by a committee that meets in April. Actually I’ve come to think of my repeated cold infections more affectionately. I think of each annual cold as a relative who comes to visit and who, like many relatives who come to visit, quickly gets annoying, stays too long, and uses up too much toilet paper. And I consider myself lucky that a cold seems to be the worst thing I get, especially when I think of all the other things going around.

It was even worse two-hundred years ago. People back then had to worry about plague, pestilence, pox, ague, chilblains, vapors, and imbalances of bodily humors. Most of these things were cured by the application of leeches, at least until Pasteur came along and suggested that most diseases were in fact caused by microscopic organisms with pocket calendars. People laughed at this, and told Pasteur that if he didn’t stop spouting off these crazy ideas he’d end up in hot water. This gave him an interesting idea. Now we laugh at the people who thought diseases could be cured with leeches.

Of course what Pasteur came up with is still referred to as "germ theory", so the idea that microscopic organisms make us sick, like evolution, or gravity, remains just a theory. There’s no telling what future discoveries will be made. In two-hundred years scientists may teach us that diseases are not caused by microscopic organisms but malicious aliens hiding behind the moon. Maybe one of those aliens will turn out to be named Uncle Harry.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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[People spend so much time making fun of the South they forget all other regions have their idiosyncracies. Here’s some humor from Indiana–although when I lived there I often had to check a map to make sure Indiana really wasn’t part of the South.–CW]

What it Takes to be a Hoosier

Here are some guidelines to assist others in understanding what it takes to be a Hoosier.

1. Know the state casserole. The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event in Indiana and know that you will be accepted.

2. Get used to food festivals. The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food.

It is your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and at least buy at least one "elephant ear". (Indiana inside joke)

3. Know the geography. …Of Florida, I mean. I’ve run into Hoosiers who couldn’t tell you where Evansville is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That’s because all Hoosiers go to Florida in the winter. (Or plan to when they retire.) Or are related to retired Hoosiers who have a place in Florida. We consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of Indiana.

4. If you can’t afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse, which is that you stay here because you enjoy the change of seasons. You’ll be lying, but that’s OK. …We’ve all done it.

5. Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die! The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the "Layering Capital of the World".

Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia ….and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn’t strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

6. Don’t take Indiana place names literally. if a town has the same name as a foreign city…..Valparaiso and Versailles for examples…… you must NOT pronounce them the way the foreigners do, lest you come under suspicion as a spy.

Also, East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the state. South Bend is in the north. North Putnam is in the south …and French Lick certainly isn’t what you think either!

7. Become "mulch literate". Hoosiers love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at a minimum. (Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can’t be supplied naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards).

8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Indiana, you have to be knowledgeable on the three levels – professional, college and high school. The truly expert Indiana sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot center at Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he’s interested in, how much he can bench- press, who he took to the prom, and what grade he got on his biology quiz last week.

9. Remember that Hoosiers are never the first to embrace trends. When we do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there’s a good chance he’s had it undercoated to guard against rust.

10. The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This will explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.

I hope you found this guide to be useful. If it offends you, please let me know. I will bring a green-bean casserole to your house to make amends.

November 15, 2002

Recently on the radio I heard a scientist explain why we, humans, as a species, love salty, sweet, and fatty foods even though these foods rot our teeth, give us heart disease, make us fat, and occupy only a tiny sliver of that stupid "food pyramid". Of course it’s obvious: when homo sapiens first appeared on this planet salt and fat weren’t always easy to come by, and the sugars found in fruits were an important source of energy. Add to that the fact that on the African plains where early humans roamed it was important to conserve energy – anyone who spent their time jogging or lifting weights down at the gym wasn’t going to last very long – and you know why we’re genetically trained to become couch potatoes.

In considering the question of whether there’s life on other planets, a lot of scientists have said they’d like to know how aliens, in their "technological adolescence", coped with nuclear power. More gullible types say they’d want to know why the aliens helped us build the pyramids and Macchu Picchu. If those aliens landed in my backyard tonight, I’d ask them how they survived the discovery of chili cheese fries.

What really interests me, though, is how we figured out how to eat all the things we do eat. The first things that come to mind are exotic foods: things like birds’ nest soup, jellyfish, and truffles. Actually mushrooms in general are a big question. I know that some mushrooms are really tasty, and some can kill you in a matter of hours, and there’s no simple rule like "Don’t eat the red ones" to tell you which ones to stay away from. I can imagine some palaeolithic gourmand trying to decide which mushrooms to use in the evening meal saying, "Hey George, come taste these." Five hours later with George’s lifeless corpse being dragged away, the gourmand decides to use the spongy black mushrooms instead of the white ones, and the morel of that story should be obvious.

But I digress. When you think about it everything that we eat is weird. Take cashew nuts, for instance. The outer hull of cashew nuts is not only poisonous but irritates the skin. Who was the genius who, in between stopping to scratch, pried open the outer cover just to add cashews to the bowl of mixed nuts at a dinner party? What about olives? If you’ve ever tried raw olives you know they’re tough and bitter. And yet someone back in the shrouded mists of time said, "Hey, if we soak these things in salt water, I’ll bet they’ll be just what we’ve been looking for to put in our martinis." And it may be the staff of life, but bread takes a lot of work to make. Who thought of drying wheat seeds, grinding them up, making a paste, adding yeast (figuring out yeast must have been a quantum leap), and baking it for twenty minutes at 350 degrees? And before they got around to wheat did they have some massive screwups with things like dandelion seeds? Now that I think about it, if those aliens land in my backyard, my first question is going to be, "Okay, which one of you told our ancestors we could eat the insides of pineapples?"

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The Prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long- forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall it be?"

Cinderella looked over at the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered:

"Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered now….."

November 8, 2002

You can now buy bread with added calcium. You can also buy orange juice with added calcium. You can buy potato chips with added calcium, soft drinks with added calcium, cookies with added calcium, soup with added calcium, hot dogs with added calcium, and pretty soon you’ll probably be able to buy milk and ice cream with added calcium. You can already buy cheese, those little individual slices for sandwiches, with added calcium.

When did calcium become so popular? When did it become the powdery white metallic element that could? For that matter, why an element? Calcium is everywhere. Calcium is to the new millennium what bacon was to the 90’s, and bacon was to the 90’s what ranch flavoring was to the 80’s. When osteoporosis was big news, calcium became a breakout star because companies started trying to convince aging women that consuming large amounts of calcium would prevent it. Actually exercise plays a big part in preventing or slowing osteoporosis, but since you can’t put exercise in a bottle, bag, or box, putting calcium in everything under the sun seemed like a good idea. With the growing popularity of milk, calcium achieved superstar status, beating out the naysayers who thought it would eventually wither under such close scrutiny like its close cousin sodium. Now it appears the marriage is over and calcium is poised to leave milk well behind.

But what happens when calcium comes down? It’s inevitable that calcium will suffer the same decline that eventually affects all celebrities, whether organic or not. What element will step in to take its place? I remember from my high school health textbook that our bodies need trace amounts of various exciting and interesting elements, but let’s face it, no matter how much it’s promoted no one’s going to say, "Thank goodness this breakfast cereal contains the .001 milligrams of molybdenum I need", and no one’s going to buy bread with bold letters exclaiming, "Now with added arsenic!" on the label. I suppose there’s magnesium, which you may remember from your high school chemistry class (that is, if you had a cool teacher like mine who liked to do things like put pure potassium in a beaker of water so it would fizz and smoke) as being the stuff that, when applied to a flame, burns really, really brightly. But with an element like that there’s too much chance that its success will be a flash in the pan.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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This Is An Offering?

Freethinkers Anonymous has not had a long and convoluted history, which would make it easier to write something called A Brief History of Freethinkers Anonymous, but ever since Stephen Hawking coined the term with his book A Brief History of Time, everybody’s written a brief history of something. A book on poetry was called A Brief History of Rhyme, an instruction manual for janitors was called A Brief History of Grime, and a book about the citrus industry was called A Brief History of Limes.

Freethinkers Anonymous started with a short article that someone forwarded to me about the Ayatollah of Iran condemning seedless watermelons because they weren’t, well, fruitful and multiplying. Despite the fact that this sounded more like the Old Testament than the Koran and therefore not something the Ayatollah of anything would be saying, the article was still funny, and I thought I’d share it with some other people I knew. For reasons that were entirely unknown to me I thought I’d create a list and name it Freethinkers Anonymous. The anonymous part was so nobody would know who else was on the list, and the Freethinkers came from the name of a 19th Century group which, as I like to tell people, Mark Twain would have belonged to if he didn’t have a strict policy against joining any club that would have him as a member. The fact that this sounds more like Groucho Marx than Twain has gone unnoticed so far.

As I gathered "offerings" and began distributing them regularly, I started writing my own little introductory notes. The early notes were crude, made out of sticks and piled dirt, but eventually I learned to make primitive ropes out of honeysuckle vine and was able to drag sarcen stones over long distances. Scientists remain divided about the original function of these structures, although they agree that they should be discarded if chipped, cracked, or heated empty. But I digress.

As time has gone by and copyright restrictions more intense, finding offerings has become more difficult. And sometimes possible offerings seem so much funnier than anything I could come up with that I have to delete them. I’m kidding–I’ve never found anything that funny. What I’m getting at is, some times you may not see offerings in this space. If that happens, don’t panic. Just relax, take a deep breath, and remember that laughter may be the best medicine but in a world like this we sometimes run the risk of overdose.

Thank you for your support.

October 25, 2002

When Hallowe’en comes close, I can’t help thinking of one of Tennessee’s, and, in fact, the world’s, most famous hauntings: the Bell Witch. For those of you who don’t know, the Bell Witch was neither a witch nor a bell but, as the story goes, a very powerful poltergeist who terrorized the Bell family who lived in a rural town called Adams, Tennessee in the early 1800s, and even murdered family patriarch John Bell. I consider myself to be an open-minded sceptic. Whether the Bell Witch was real and a supernatural force of considerable power or an elaborate hoax is a question on which, I believe, the jury is still out. There is no direct, tangible evidence that the Bell Witch was real, and the only existing evidence is written reports by people who have been dead for some time.

One of the most interesting pieces of evidence is a statement by President Andrew Jackson who, after a visit to Adams, said, "I’d rather fight the whole British army than deal with this torment they call the Bell Witch." Actually this was a very common sort of rhetoric in those days. For instance, Benjamin Disraeli, after a visit to Ireland, said, "I’d rather fight Napoleon’s entire army than deal with this torment they call the Sligo Banshee," and Charles XIV of Sweden said, "I’d rather fight the entire Prussian infantry than deal with this torment they call the Goteborg Skoggra", and very recently President Karimov of Uzbekistan said, "I’d rather fight every billiards player in Tashkent than deal with the Zeravshan Rusalka." Still, there is the poss – WE INTERRUPT THIS RANT TO BRING YOU THIS IMPORTANT NEWS. New research suggests the universe may collapse in as little as a few billion years. Professor Andrei Linde of Stanford University and his wife Professor Renata Kallosh say a force known as dark energy may cause the universe to collapse in only a few billion years, and not several hundred trillion years as had been previously thought. We asked an ordinary man on the street what he thought about this news. His reply was, "Oh, great, so in addition to forest fires, meteors hitting the Earth, the northward spread of malaria, radon, cholesterol, now I have to worry about the universe collapsing. I’d rather face the Bell Witch than have one more thing to worry about. Thanks a lot." More on this story as it develops. Film at eleven. NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED RANT. – and smeared my entire body with peanut butter. But I digress. What I’m getting at is, if you should happen to meet up with the Bell Witch, tell it I’d like to ask it a couple of questions.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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Things I’ve learned about Tennessee

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Tennessee.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee, plus a couple no one’s seen before.

Squirrels will eat anything.

Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word.

A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation, watterin’ the cows, swimming, or a weekly bath.

There ain’t no such thing as "lunch". There’s only dinner and then there’s supper.

Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re 2. However, it must be served over ice.

Backards and forwards means I know everything about you.

‘Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

Darn near everyone knows 5 or more cloud types (guess they got to be look’n out for them there ternayders-(translation: tornados)

More Tennesseeans…:

You know you’re from Tennessee if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You’ve ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fixing" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. (Although the more proper pronounciation and spelling would be, "I am fixinto go to the store.")

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car … for your OWN car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" is.

10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

11. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

15. You know whether another Tennesseeian is from east, west, or middle Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.

16. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

17. A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola, or pop … it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example "What kinna coke you want?"

18. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

October 18, 2002

So this New Guinean couple is eating dinner, and the husband says, "I really don’t like your friends," and the wife says, "Fine, next time you cook."

I told that joke to a friend who didn’t think it was nearly as funny as I did, and who called me a ghoul. Me? A ghoul? Ghouls are creatures that haunt graveyards and eat the flesh of the dead. I’d never be a ghoul. Oh, sure, I’ve been a lycanthrope now and then, even though my heart is pure and I say my prayers – well, anyway, I’ve never been a ghoul. I’ve hung around with ifrits, followed a will o’the wisp on occasion, lived with windigos, eaten filet o’Nessie (great on a toasted sesame seed hoagie, by the way), helped a couple of djinns I know open a lamp store, marched with leprechauns to end the discrimination caused by breakfast cereal companies, I have a homonculus in my basement and a domovoi in my attic, tried my luck playing poker with a dybbuk, sailed with selkies, once begged a cigarette off Lucifer, shared my lunch with a sasquatch, and worked for a temp agency that also employed nixies, pixies, dryads, nymphs, bunyips, satyrs, fairies, vodyanois, and a Great Prairie Hidebehind. (Amazing guy–he got a lot done though nobody ever saw him.) The whole place was owned by Baal.

When I was a child I tried, without luck, to explain to my parents that it was really my evil twin who broke the lamp in the living room, but they didn’t believe me and he disappeared. I’m sorry because there’s nothing like a doppelganger when you want to take a day off work. A ghoul? Come on. A guy’s gotta draw the line somewhere. Calling me a ghoul is unfair, it’s wrong, it’s…tasteless.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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[The following came to me with the title "You Know You Live In Los Angeles When…" And yet some of these seem to be universal…]

Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring and is named Breeze.

You can’t remember…Is pot illegal?

You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

You can’t remember…Is pot illegal?

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY television broadcast.

Gas costs 75 cents per gallon more than it does anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BSDM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

You can’t remember…Is pot illegal?

It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000."

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

It’s sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Hey!!!! Is pot illegal?

You and your cat have therapists.