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January 18, 2002

While most of us were celebrating the changeover from 2001 to 2002, a few people in ten different European countries were chewing their fingernails in preparation for the biggest currency exchange to take place since people gave up bartering. The Euro coins and bills first went into circulation in all the European countries except Sweden, Norway, and Britain.

People could pay for something with the old national money and get Euros in exchange – and either carry a laptop with currency exchange rates or just assume they weren’t getting screwed. In places like Italy, where a soft drink used to cost 3000 lire, people were excited about being able for the first time in years to carry spare change in their pockets rather than in a wheelbarrow. In France, people liked the new money until they realized that it meant that, technically, German coins would be legitimate currency in Paris for the first time since 1944.

I have no idea why Sweden and Norway don’t like the Euro, but in Britain a few people still remember the change to a decimal currency system. (The best breakdown of the old British currency I’ve ever found is in Neil Gaiman’s and Terry Pratchett’s book "Good Omens". Here it is: "Two Farthings=One Ha’penny. Two Ha’pennies=One Penny. Three Pennies=A Thrupenny bit. Two Thrupences=A Sixpence. Two Sixpences=One Shilling, Or Bob. Two Bob=A Florin. One Florin and One Sixpence=Half A Crown. Four Half Crowns=Ten Bob Note. Two Ten Bob Notes=One Pound, or 240 Pence. The British resisted decimalized currency for a long time because they though it was too complicated.")

As an amateur numismatist who likes foreign coins, I have mixed feelings about the Euro. On the one hand, each country has its own designs for the Euromoney which means lots of new coins to collect. On the other hand "Eurodollar" sounds too much like what you’d pay to get into a bad American theme park clone. And while the new money may be more convenient, allowing tourists to get ripped off in one currency rather than several, I think travellers are going to miss the exotic flavor of calling their money francs, pesetas, lire, groschen, guilders, escudos, and…Bob.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class

(Something for those of you who are still in school to wish for, and something to make the rest of us glad we’re not still in school.–CW)

1.Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises. 

2.After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4.Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.Smartypants?"

8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".

9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin’ Bird".

10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it. (Especially effective if you’re an Economics professor.)

13.Announce "you’ll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s "Sex Machine."

16.Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19.Address students as "worm".

20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number.

24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done. (I actually had a professor who did this. Needless to say, 20th Century Russian Literature was a class I always looked forward to.–CW)

25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28.Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.

29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

31.Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.

32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What’ll be, McGee?"

34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.

36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours. (Better yet, hire some guy who writes a weekly column that he distributes via the internet to pretend to be a CPR dummy.)

38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" very ten minutes.

41.Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk". 42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43.Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45.Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47.Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".

50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

January 4, 2002

Despite all the lights, firecrackers, heavy drinking, public nudity, funny hats, wild and crazy food, the evening of December 31st, 2001, and the early morning of January 1st, 2002, was something of a dud. This isn’t the fault of the party-makers, or any lingering uncertainties or fears. It’s really the fault of numerology. Any way you look at it, 2002 is, well, a little flat. It’s like turning 31. Sure, you acknowledge it, but it’s not a landmark.

2002 just doesn’t have the same ring to it as 2000 and 2001 did. And let’s look back at those previous years: In 2000, thanks to developments in anti-gravity, flying cars powered by pollution-free perpetual motion devices made travel inexpensive and easy, food was replaced by little tablets, which we’re told are "organic", museum curators realized most "conceptual" art is garbage, a permanent base on Mars was established, and the first baby was born on the Moon. In 2001 cures were discovered for AIDS, cancer, male-pattern baldness, female pattern baldness, ebola, and kidney stones, the destruction of the rainforests was halted, the hole in the ozone layer sealed itself, and we made contact with intelligent cephalopods on Europa, who turned out to be pretty gosh-darned nice. (Or at least that’s how I remember those years. I’m under some pretty heavy medication at the moment.)

Anyway, how could 2002 top two years that marked the end of a millenium and its beginning? And the worst part is we’ve got eight more dud years ahead.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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Great Thoughts By Great Women

Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened.
–Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. 
-Janette Barber

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
-Jan King

A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!"
-Linda Ellerbee

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears.
-Geri Jewell

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck

Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.
-Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. 
-Jennifer Unlimited

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. 
-Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! 
-Kathy Buckley

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I’m also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
– Erica Jong

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton

I think—therefore I’m single.
-Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. 
-Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man — if you want anything done, ask a woman. 
-Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. 
-Gloria Steinem

I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
-Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

December 21, 2001

As you may have guessed, my review of 2001 was broken into two parts. Ironically after sending out Part 1, I heard a commentator lamenting the fact that everyone at the end of the year does a "year in review". He then proceeded to review what he considered to be some of the significant events of 2001. For that reason I considered making Part 2 a review of the events of 1001, or going back to 2001 B.C., but that seemed too likely to descend into historical speculation, which too easily leads to B.S. So here’s the final half of 2001:

July, 2001: A group of British schools refused a gift of 250 books ranging from Homer’s The Iliad to Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 because they considered the books "too difficult" or, as one teacher described Herodotus, "too boring." The schools also complained that the books had too much text, dull covers, and no illustrations. Apparently some of the teachers complained that accepting the books would put pressure on them to "teach" their students skills like "reading". A similar gift to schools in the United States was refused because all the books had already been banned.

August, 2001: Officials in Miami, Florida stopped the practice of feeding sharks. Prior to the ban, charter boats would take scuba divers out to an area known for sharks, then throw "chum", or chopped fish and blood, into the water to attract sharks. This allowed divers to experience the thrill of getting close to one of nature’s most dangerous predators, and a lucky few had the thrill of being attacked by one of nature’s most dangerous predators. Supporters of the shark-feeding excursions say they helped clear up a lot of misconceptions about sharks, such as the widely-held beliefs that sharks are soft, cuddly, and vegetarians. Persons who continue the shark-feeding expeditions will be turned into chum.

October, 2001: With airline security understandably tight, it’s perhaps not surprising that some employees at a Philadelphia airport were pushed completely over the edge…and took their frustration out on a passenger. A man was detained for questioning because he was reading a book titled "Hayduke Lives!", by Edward Abbey. Published in 1991, the cover of this particular edition had a picture of a hand holding a stick of dynamite. Although a law enforcement official declared the book "innocuous", a flight attendant overrode the decision and the man was kept from his flight. After scheduling an alternate flight, he left the Abbey book at home. This time for inflight reading–I’m not making this up–he had the latest Harry Potter book. He was told he was banned from the airline for life. Shortly after this incident, a writer in an airport in Munich was arrested for carrying a cellophane-wrapped copy of a book by Karl Marx. His copy of the Times Literary Supplement was also confiscated. When the writer asked to phone the Mayor of Munich, explaining that he and the Mayor had become acquainted during the Goethe Institute seminar where he’d been given the Marx book, he was released. On his return to the boarding line, the writer learned that the police had bragged to other passengers how police vigilance had led to the arrest of a suspicious individual. The lesson from this is that there is such a thing as dangerous literature–but it only becomes dangerous when mixed with stupidity. The other lesson is that sometimes the scariest people in airports are the ones who are being paid to be there.

November, 2001: The Mitchell Library in Glasgow, Scotland, decided that various attractions such as the world’s largest collection of Robert Burns materials, including original manuscripts, weren’t bringing in enough people, so they’re installing a bar and a cafe. I hate to bring up stereotypes, but it does say something that alcohol and Scottish literature should be so closely tied together. However, if two drunks get into an argument about what exactly "Auld Lang Syne" means, and we all know how frequently that happens, they won’t have to go far to sort it out.

December, 2001: Depending on where you live, a white Christmas, or the lack of it, is a certainty. For those of us who live in inter-temperate zones, however, it’s not always certain. We’re almost certain to get snow at some point between November and March, but whether it will actually fall on Christmas is almost impossible to predict. Despite this, British bookmakers are offering 5-2 odds that snow will fall on London on Christmas Day. So we can be assured that some compulsive gamblers will be having a very merry Christmas, and that when King Wenceslas looks out, the snow may not be deep, crisp, and even, but as long as it’s there, Stephen won’t be the only one feasting.

Enjoy this week’s offerings–and happy holidays. Freethinkers Anonymous will return in January 2002.

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By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

You can’t pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do’s and don’ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn’t think so. Isn’t mine, either. A carrot was something you used as a snowman’s nose.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you’ll be fat and happy. So what if you don’t make it to New Year’s? Your pants won’t fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can’t leave them behind. You’re not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over.

But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

December 14, 2001

At the end of each year I like to look back on some of the events that made it interesting. Most of them have slipped "under the radar", and been drowned out by bigger, seemingly more important stories, but I like to think that while the bigger stories are the stuff of our lives, it’s the small, strange stories that make our lives worth living. So, here’s 2001 in review:

January, 2001: One of the most haunting images from the 100-year old art of movies is the enormous black monolith from Kubrick’s "2001"–the big black box that taught apes to hit each other with femurs, thus not only assuring the survival of the human race, but also leading to the invention of baseball. So it was fitting that some pranksters–obviously well-funded and artistically gifted pranksters–would install a similar monolith in Seattle’s Magnuson Park on New Year’s Eve. The monolith then disappeared a few days later and reappeared on a Green Lake island (also in Seattle). After the pranksters–a group of artists called Some People–came clean, the park directors came up with a surprise of their own: they asked to have the monolith back as a park decoration. One of the artists was reportedly so pleased he threw a bleached animal bone up in the air, where it mysteriously turned into a satellite.

February, 2001: Police in Toronto, Canada, arrested two men who tried to sell $25 billion worth of forged government bonds. The bonds, printed with the date "1934", had a face value of $100 million. (Interestingly, the highest U.S. currency note printed is the $100,000, bearing a portrait of Woodrow Wilson, but I believe bonds can have much higher values.) The bonds were described as almost perfect, except for the zip code included in the address for the U.S. Treasury. Zip codes weren’t introduced until 1963.

March, 2001: A replica of Michelangelo’s David in front of a hair salon in rural Florida had its middle covered with a towel after a woman complained that her pre-teenage daughters and their friends had seen the statue on their way to school. Neither the woman nor the girls recognized the statue as one of the great works of Western art. The woman stated that she worked six days a week and didn’t have time to be culturally literate. She then added that, in her neighborhood, the only male genitals pre-teenage girls usually see are those of their fathers.

April, 2001: A Japanese scientist at Keio University trained pigeons to "distinguish" between the works of painters Vincent Van Gogh and Marc Chagall by feeding them when they pecked at Van Gogh. The birds got nothing when they pecked a Chagall. Although this is considered to be an important breakthrough in cognitive science, determining the level of visual cognition in birds, the scientist is already at work on his next project: teaching pigeons to crap selectively on the works of certain painters but not others. At that point they will have developed exactly the same skills as art critics.

May, 2001: After the objections to "space tourist" Dennis Tito, you’d think it would have raised a few eyebrows, but the first pizza delivered to space was barely mentioned in the news. An international pizza chain (which shall remain nameless, but you’ve probably eaten there, or had one of their pizzas delivered to you) made its first space delivery to Russian cosmonauts aboard the International Space Station. And since it took longer than 30 minutes, the pizza was free. One of the effects of weightlesness is a deadening of taste buds, which explains why the astronauts described the pizza as "better than usual." Although some complain about the commercialization of the space program, others say this could lead to new and exciting innovations–such as improvements in those thermal pizza delivery bags.

June 2001: The literary and science fiction convention worlds were rocked at reports about the sudden death of "Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy" author Douglas Adams on May 11th, 2001. In June, however, conspiracy theorists discovered that Adams had in fact been beamed off Earth by a passing Vogon spaceship. After landing on Zorblunax 7, he got a lucrative job writing snappy answers to complaints for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. Unfortunately his current whereabouts are unknown; he had moved into a fashionable condo in the Zarquon Nebula, but shortly afterward it was destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass. It’s typical of a man who–I’m not making this up–once left his car at an auto repair shop to be fixed. The repair shop burned down, destroying Adams’ car, but he was billed for the repairs anyway because the owners claimed they’d done the work. Adams was also an avid proponent of computers, and crusaded on the behalf of endangered species worlwide. Finally, Mr. Adams provided the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything, which, as most of you know, is 42. Unfortunately he left just seconds before he was going to tell us what the question was. So long, Mr. Adams, and thanks for all the books.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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AN ARKANSAS CHRISTMAS

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack, 
not a darn thing was a movin’, from the front to the back.
The kids were in bed, We had nine at the time,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin’ real fine.
A cold wind was blowin’, up the holler it moaned,
All ten dogs on the porch howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin’ of weapons and guns,
for killin’ God’s creatures, ……there’s no better fun!
The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
to getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I just wanted my Chevy down off the blocks.
Then out in the yard, such a noise did commence,
like something was caught in our new bob-war fence. 
I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
the man makin’ that racket, was Good Ol’ St. Nick. 
You may think of Santa in your own mind’s eye, 
dressed in a red and white suit, But I’ve got a surprise. 
That old boy’s an Arkie, from up near Mt. Gaylor;
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up to a Razorback pig!
He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I must admit from the back, he looked lots like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy from his head to his toe. 
His neck was a red one, His shirt said "Lite Beer",
he had no red hat on, but his cap read "John Deere". 
He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night.
He ran into the yard, threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, "Get the hell out th’ way!" 
I ran out to ask him Why he brought such good cheer;
But instead he just asked me "You get you a deer?"
Then I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight, 
"Merry Christmas to all….. I need a Bud Lite!"

December 7, 2001

Some of you wrote to me to thank me for the holiday gift guide. While this should frighten and disturb me, I’m an open-minded guy, and know that people have different tastes. One person’s nose-hair trimmer is another person’s chance to stop having to sit across the dinner table from someone and think, "Geez, you could braid that, put beads on it, and tell people you accidentally inhaled a tennis player." But a few wrote to chastise me for not giving you enough ideas. "I have this friend," you say, "who has EVERYTHING!" Well, if you have a friend who has everything, they neither want nor need anything, right? In fact, you should be hitting them up for stuff. But there’s one thing that I’ll bet even the mythical person with everything doesn’t have. It’s a product so new and yet so amazingly useful that chances are no one has one and everyone will want one–and it’s only $59.95, plus shipping and handling. It’s…a blender that plugs into your car’s power outlet (formerly known as a cigarette lighter). Of course there are many, many, many devices that can now be plugged into a car power outlet, but can you think of one more useful than a blender?

Earlier this year my parents took a trip to Alaska, and came back with photos and wonderful stories of the majestic vistas, pristine wilderness, and rugged beauty of the 49th state. They said there was only one thing that would have made the trip complete: being able to chip off hunks of glacial ice and make blueberry daquiris under the Aurora Borealis. Okay, maybe frozen drinks on the tundra aren’t what you’re into, but think about this: how many times have you been on your way to work and suddenly realized that you’ve forgotten the milkshakes for your 9:00AM meeting? If only there were some way you could whip up milkshakes right there in your car. It would be even better if there were some sort of business that sold milkshakes, or beverages sort of resembling milkshakes but made with a combination of glue, fertilizer, and rendered animal by-products. Wait a minute–there are such businesses, and they’re everywhere! I guess we really do have everything now, and the irony is we don’t need it.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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Christmas With Louise

[This article was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize]

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You’re kidding me! Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Such dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise."

She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It’s a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn’t she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was, indeed, a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

November 30, 2001

It’s shopping season again. With Thanksgiving behind us, it’s time to go out and find those special gifts for those special someones in our lives. Since most of us have made bad gift decisions at some point in our lives, I’d like to offer up this year’s special list of products you might not want to consider for those people on your list. [Note: I loathe advertising. However, if you really, really, really want to know, I can provide information regarding any of the products I describe. Whether you think someone you know might want one of them, or whether you just want to make sure I’m not making this stuff up, I’ll tell you where I found it, and how you can order it. And since it’s the holiday season, I’ll do it for free.]

Bucket hat with an LCD message display. This might be vaguely cool if the message display screen were big and red and could display fireworks or something like that, but instead it’s a tiny little gray screen–which stands out remarkably badly on an off-white hat. The appealing bucket shape of the hat, popular among people under twenty and over ninety, will not only garner you a lot of attention, but the pseudo-high tech design will earn you the nickname "Cyber-Gilligan".
Price: $25.95

Giant Cereal Bowls (set of 4): Okay, this has kind of a hip, retro look. Displaying these cereal bowls with their colorful cereal box characters sends a message that you’re…well, a big child. You might get them for yourself to put candy in, if you’re a receptionist in a pediatrician’s office. On second thoughts, that’s just asking for a lawsuit. With their 29-ounce capacity, which is nearly two pounds, think about the message you’re sending if you give these to someone: "I want you to have 300% of your daily requirement of niacin…every day!"
Price: $39.95

Nose-hair trimmer: There are several makes and models available, but my favorite one of all comes with a little light for illuminating those "hard to reach" areas. It also sells for $59.95. Wait a minute. That’s almost sixty bucks–twelve five-dollar bills, or five twelve-dollar bills. For that amount of money, it shouldn’t just trim nose hair, it should make sure it never grows back. Heck, it should be able to braid your nose hair for that much. But the big question on my mind is: why would you put a nose-hair trimmer, of any price, in a holiday gifts catalog? While honesty between friends and family is to be valued, giving someone a nose-hair trimmer as a gift is a little TOO honest. I guess what I’m saying is, You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but don’t pick a nose-hair trimmer as a gift.
Price: $59.95 

Alternate wet-dry model, without light but listed under "Kitchenware" (which I don’t even want to think
about).
Price: $14.99 

Combination AM/FM radio, lantern, flashlight, and television set: Hate having to carry a separate radio and television set when you go out camping to "get away from it all"? Or maybe you’re just looking for fun ways to blind your friends on camping trips Well, with this baby’s 5 and 1/2 inch television screen with a high-power flashlight mounted right on top, all you have to do is convince your camping buddy to take a hiking break and watch the big game, then, when his favorite team is about to score, switch on the flashlight and prepare for hilarity and seared retinas.
Price: $59.95

And finally, from our "gross indulgence" department:

ELVIS PRESLEY’S HAIR. Framed with a picture of The King before he became bloated on fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, you can have a bit of Elvis’s hair from a haircut he had in 1970. This remarkable relic is a must for anyone who worships Elvis–despite the fact that most people who worship Elvis would have to sell their trailer home to afford it. But let’s not look a gift follicle in the mouth. After all, thanks to new technological advances, a strand of hair is all we need to clone The King.
Price: $695.00

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour one level cup whiskey and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. 
Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?  Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

November 16, 2001

Some computer specialists in Britain and the United States are currently working on various computer programs that will not only remove the need for humans to actually go to all the trouble of getting together, practicing, and playing music, but they’re actually producing programs that will eliminate the need for humans to even compose music. A program called Sibelius originally allowed composers to write their music as though on a word processor–highlighting, moving, and deleting at will. Now an upgrade to the same program can take a piece of music played on one instrument and play it back as though it were on a different instrument–or instruments. So for all those of you who’ve wondered what "Finlandia" played by a Mississippi jug band would sound like, the wait is over. Sibelius–the program, not the composer, who’s currently spinning in his grave–will also decide which instruments sound best in an arrangement, saving composers all that trouble of having to think for themselves, and all those problematic things like emotion and experience won’t get in the way. Finally, Sibelius will compensate for a player’s ability–or lack of it–in the playback, so now even if you’re a pathetic, incompetent piano player, you can play Rachmaninoff until your friends beg you to turn it off.

But wait–there’s more. A program called EMI (pronounced "emmy", as in, "I hope this song wins me an…") will take a composer’s work, extrapolate some stylistic rules from it, and can produce new, original work. That way people can become musical composers without having to worry about all that knowledge, talent, or skill stuff, and all they really need to do is bang on a computer. In fact, EMI has already been used to compose music for pop groups, although for which groups and which songs is being kept secret.

Apparently music companies still want us to think that the youthful, gyrating glitterati in music videos actually write their own music, even though their sapid books of poetry and novels have already proven these kids can barely write well enough to sign their recording contracts. And why only write music for the living? EMI has also been used to write "new" Mozart music. Theoretically it could finish his unfinished opera Zaide, crank out nine more Beethoven symphonies, and literally put the Beatles back together for another White album.

And why stop with music? Literature’s greatest forger, William Henry Ireland, produced a "lost" Shakespeare play, "Vortigern", in less than seven days. If programmers put their minds to it they could make a program that would write new Shakespeare plays in less than seven minutes. Dickens never finished "The Mystery of Edwin Drood"? No problem!

And then there are the implications for painting, sculpture, and architecture. Why not let a computer put arms on the Venus de Milo? It’s not that I’m hostile to technology. For one thing, those hands-free cell phones are hilarious because they make people look like they’re talking to themselves. And if someone came up with a device that would dust the house, vacuum the rug, wash the windows, and rake leaves, I’d be all for it, but there are some fundamentally human accomplishments to which we have to cling.

I know there are technophiles out there who will say, "Who do these composers, writers, painters, and sculptors think they are, anyway, thinking what they do is so important?" To that I can only say, if it weren’t important, why would some individuals spend so much time trying to program computers to do it?

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

Please answer the following questions before you call Tech Support:

1 Describe your problem:
1a Now, describe the problem accurately:

2 Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

3 Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__ B. On Fire__ C. Blank__ D. Strange Smell__

4 Problem Severity:
A. Major__ B. Minor__ C. Trivial__ D. Silly__

5 Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
5a Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

6 Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
6a Have you made it worse? Yes__

7 Have you had "a friend" who "knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes___ No___
7a Did they make it even worse? Yes___

8 What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
8a If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in:

9 Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
9a Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
9b Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

10 Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

Now that you have filled out this form, please call Tech Support at 1-800-ON-YOUR-OWN, where Fred and Barney are standing by to give you all the support you need.

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INSTRUCTIONS ON REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

This memo is from IBM. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note last sentence)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

November 9, 2001

One of my favorite philosophical ideas is one put forward by W.F. Hegel, who believed that history repeats itself, first as drama then as farce. This is one of my favorite ideas because I see it in action so frequently. In fact, in some places, such as Hollywood, it’s hard to tell which is the drama and which is the farce. Just about every movie made is guaranteed a double life, either as a sequel, a sequel to a sequel, or a parody of a sequel of a satire on a spoof of a film inspired by a remake. With a moderately successful serious film about Jack the Ripper already playing, work is underway on a comedy version of the same story because, hey, there’s nothing funnier than the brutal murders of five prostitutes in Victorian London. The film is entitled, "Hey Jacko!" and features a wisecracking hansom cab driver who discovers a prostitute who has not only been murdered, but had her dress ripped off, revealing extremely skimpy underwear. As the film progresses more prostitutes get their dresses ripped off, so that parts of the film may be mistaken for a lingerie fashion show. Meanwhile the police department receives a mysterious letter which baffles them as they try to decide whether one word is "kidneys" or "kittens". At first they believe the letter is written in blood, but they later realize it’s barbecue sauce. This leads them to a fellow detective who’s been disgraced because of his addiction to the exotic American food "ribs". (Look for a restaurant tie-in.) The detective, one day away from retirement, agrees to join up with his Sri Lankan partner for just one last case. In a bizarre plot twist, the prostitutes’ underwear turns out to have been designed by the Queen, but she’s been trying to keep it a secret. In an even more bizarre plot twist Jack the Ripper himself turns out to an iguanodon dinosaur brought back from extinction by a scientist experimenting with DNA, and sent back in time by a massive computer that creates sweeping shots of people doing impossibly high flying kicks. A subplot involving Sherlock Holmes was dropped because the film’s target audience of 12-18 year olds have no idea who Sherlock Holmes is.

Meanwhile the detective begins to unravel the mystery when he discovers that "Jack the Ripper" can be rewritten as "carpet hip jerk". The film’s ending was also rewritten. Originally the iguanodon was lured into Loch Ness, but this was deemed too obscure, so instead the detective traps it by impersonating a hyperactive Australian wildlife biologist, then feeds it massive amounts of ribs, causing arteriosclerosis.

The DVD version will come with 108 hours of additional footage, including a documentary about the making of the film, a documentary about the making of the documentary, and a spoof of the documentary. It also includes four additional hours of prostitutes running in their underwear with an optional commentary by one of the cameramen, who keeps repeating, "Oh yeah, this is why I got into this job." Finally, it will also have seven alternate endings, including one in which Prince Albert is stuffed in a can while the dinosaur is eaten by Cockneys. Thanks to a big promotional campaign the film is expected to be incredibly successful until people actually see it.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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28 ways to make a meeting more interesting

1. Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand and whisper: "can you feel it?" from the corner of your mouth.

2. Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.

3. When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.

4. Chew tobacco.

5. Wear a hands free phone headset throughout, once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: "I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!"

6. Write the words ‘he fancies you’ on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.

7. Respond to a serious question with: "I don’t know what to say, obviously I’m flattered, but it’s all happened so fast".

8. Use ‘Nam style jargon such as "what’s the ETA?", "who’s on recon?" and "Charlie don’t surf".

9. Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.

10. Shave one of your forearms.

11. Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs, then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.

12. Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you "love this dirty town".

13. Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for one minute.

14. Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.

15. Reflect sunlight into everyone’s eyes off your watch face.

16. Gargle with water.

17. Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.

18. Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.

19. Hum throughout the meeting.

20. Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.

21. Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.

22. Drop meaningless and confusing management speak into conversations such as: "What’s the margin, Marvin?" "When’s this turkey going to get basted?" "If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors".

23. Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.

24. Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.

25. Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda:

    1 Trample the weak 
    2 Triumph alone 
    3 Invade Poland 

    Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven’t seen them.

26. Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.

27. When referring to someone in the room always call them your "homey", "dog", or "G".

28. Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout: "I AM NOT FINISHED".

November 2, 2001

When most people think of November they think of Thanskgiving. Well, at least people in the United States think of Thanksgiving. People in Canada think of Thanksgiving in early October. This is probably because it gets cold much earlier in Canada, so when the early settlers got together and decided to have an annual harvest feast, they decided they’d better have it before the weather turned bad. That way they could have it outside, and when food supplies got low in January or February, the glorious feast would be a distant memory. In Australia Thanksgiving takes place in May, only there it’s called Mumbo-Flumbo, and instead of turkey they have roast platypus. The celebration also used to include shooting a few aborigines, but this was discontinued in 1978.

Most other places don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but for them there are plenty of November events to celebrate. According to my research, November is Good Nutrition Month, Peanut Butter Lover’s Month, National Pepper Month, National Stamp Collecting Month, International Drum Month, and Slaughter Month. In addition, the first week of November is National Fig Week, the second week is National Split Pea Soup Week, and the third week is National Geography Awareness Week, when we learn that Mumbo-Flumbo is something I just made up. The fourth week of November is National Cookie Week, National Game and Puzzle Week, and National Make Up Your Own Week Week. And finally, among all the other significant November dates, there’s November 20th, which is known as Absurdity Day. This is completely unsubstantiated and confirmed only by the sort of vague research that most university students do in preparation for their midterm papers–which are often due in early November. I wonder how many of them will mention Absurdity Day, National Pepper Month, or Mumbo Flumbo. Considering the way these things get around, I may have just created a new holiday.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
("Honey, I’m home… What the….?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes…can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference? And does this take into account that most older people were "switched’ at birth– meaning that right-handers only seem to live longer?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew?!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

October 26, 2001

The jack o’lantern is one of the most common and recognizable symbols of Halloween, but few people know its origins. Actually the origin is an apocryphal story, which is another way of saying it’s probably not true. Supposedly a drunk named Jack had an encounter with Mephistopheles on a dark and lonely road one night, and the demon threatened to take Jack’s soul.

Well, maybe it wasn’t Mephistopheles since he was off helping Dr. Faustus at the time. Maybe it was Beelzebub. After all, he had a devil put aside for Freddy Mercury, so you’d think he’d want to deal with somebody like Jack personally. Then of course there was Lilith…but I digress.

Anyway, Jack tricked the demon up a tree by saying his soul was in it, and drew a cross on the trunk so the demon couldn’t come down. Being an opportunist, Jack then said he’d release the demon on the promise that his soul would never be taken. The demon agreed. Jack eventually died but was denied admittance to Heaven. (This may not have had anything to do with his being the town drunk. Maybe he was tolerant of different religious faiths. Maybe he lived what is euphemistically called an "alternative lifestyle". Maybe he drove a buggy with one of those "Darwin" salamanders. I really don’t know. He might have been a nice guy, but there are so many things that will get you kicked out of Heaven.) Amazingly enough he found more sympathy at the gates of Hell.

They didn’t want him either, but Lucifer, who was known for lighting up peoples’ lives, kindly gave him a candle to use while wandering Limbo, and Jack put it in a turnip he was carrying. Of course this doesn’t explain why people, having switched to the larger, more affordable, and conveniently hollow pumpkin, put similar lights out on their doorsteps as a way of welcoming guests, but I like to think it may have something to do with the belief that Jack’s quest for a final resting place is a lonely one, and it’s a show of sympathy. Or maybe people do it to welcome all lonely wanderers, knowing they may be in the same position themselves someday. After all, there’s a little Jack in all of us.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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Quotes taken from actual Federal Employee Performance Evaluations

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village, somewhere, of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He’s been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a sign post."

"He brings a lot of joy. . . whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural de-selection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week."

"If you gave him a penny for his thought, you’d get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."