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June 12, 1998

Every once in a while I have to send a fax, and there’s one company out there that doesn’t seem yet to have grasped the fax concept. Now I don’t know whether it’s because they’re trying to keep their phone bills down (those 20-second transmissions really add up), whether it’s because they’re French, or whether it’s because they’re technologically illiterate (which pretty much goes along with being French). But every time I send them a fax, I wait for two or three months, and then a letter–a letter sent through regular mail!–shows up with what is probably an answer but looks more like one of the guys in shipping couldn’t find anything else for his two-year old to draw on. Now, this shouldn’t bother me. It is, after all, only work, but my neurotic need to at least look busy begins to take control of me. If I have to hold anything for more than a month, I start having visions of being suffocated in my office by piles of bad French paperbacks that were dragged along behind the boat that brought them over, and now smell like they’ve been sneezed on.

Finally, the day came. The company got e-mail. I got to try it immediately. And waited. And waited. Two months after I’d sent the e-mail, a letter arrived. They’d printed my e-mail, and Georges Jr. stopped inhaling from the marker he was holding long enough to scrawl, "Oui" across the bottom of it. I can’t add anything to that, so here’s a bit of history: on this day, June 11th, in 1929, the United States banned "Lady Chatterly’s Lover." Well, at least there is some progress.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

3. I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted.

4. Did ancient Roman doctors refer to IV’s as fours?

5. Now I know why they call them trial lawyers. I tried one and I didn’t like him.

6. Why get even when you can get odd?

7. They say if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat down your door. But usually it’s just one neighbor, and he’ll probably quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.

8. Want to trace your family tree? Run for public office or win the sweepstakes.

9. A fool and his money are soon partying.

10. How come you never hear about GRUNTLED employees?

11. I went to a strip mall the other day. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.

12. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

13. There are two kinds of jokes-the ones people laugh at, and the ones where people say, "That’s funny."

14. You say "tomato," I say "tomato.com."

15. The reason that men pay for dates is because women have to pay for the wedding.

16. I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t even know I’m alive. She thinks she got me with her long-range rifle.

17. Just because it’s toxic doesn’t mean it’s not tasty.

18. Why isn’t there an explosion when you pour gasoline on fire ants?

19. Never let your willpower get the best of you.

20. I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard until I realized I was strangling an ostrich.

21. There are three types of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

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This year’s Bulwer-Lytton Prize winner

The Edward Bulwer-Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.

Some recent winners:

"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."

"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep . . . Andre creep . . .Andre creep."

"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store."

"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death–in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER (proof of the progress I was talking about-C.):

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

June 5, 1998

Years ago a comedian named Lenny Bruce said that the hippest disease you could possibly have was pellagara. Now, I hate to disagree with someone who used enough heroin to shore up the Asian economy for several decades, but I looked up pellagara, and, frankly, it doesn’t sound all that great. Pellagara’s main symptoms are dermatitis and brain dysfunction, and it was very common in the South during the Depression. Hmm–something that makes you ugly, stupid, and was common in the South. It sounds like pellagara has been replaced by country line dancing. Anyway, while I was looking that up, I decided I’d see what really were the cool diseases. Here’s what I found: First, there’s beri-beri, which has the advantage of sounding like a really hot all-girl rock band. Then there’s rickets which doesn’t sound great, but makes your legs bend so you could be a limbo champion. Finally, the greatest disease of all: scurvy. Scurvy not only has a funny sounding name, but you get to put on really wild clothes, stick a parrot on your shoulder, and walk around with an eyepatch on saying, "Har, ar, me matey." Now if that isn’t cool, I don’t know what is! And I have a feeling you’re thinking the same thing right now.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
— Bob Ettinger

I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
— Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
— Elayne Boosler

I’m half-Italian and half-Polish. So I’m always putting a hit out on myself.
— Judy Tenuta

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
— John Mendoza

I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
— Bruce Baum

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
— Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
— Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
— Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
— Jerry Seinfeld

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
— Ellen DeGeneres

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
— David Letterman

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too."
— Jake Johansen

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
— Lily Tomlin

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here."
— Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.
— Lynda Montgomery

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
— Paul Rodriguez

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, A Truck!
— Emo Phillips

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DOG PROVERBS

"The dog’s kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
— Danish Proverb

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx.

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
— Robert Benchley

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
— Jack Handy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves."
— August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
— Fran Lebowitz

"Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant."
— Unknown

"Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
— Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
— Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
–Edward Abbey

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
— Christopher Morley

"I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
— John Steinbeck

May 29, 1998

The office where I work, like most others, has a kitchen, and contains pretty standard equipment: a microwave that is so old we all have to wear lead shielding anytime it’s turned on, a refrigerator that has smelled strange since 1986, and the only new item in the entire place: an institutional grade water heater guaranteed to brew coffee in an instant, sterilize surgical instruments, and take off at least two layers of skin. Whether it’s from habit or whether it’s because they just don’t realize other people use the same sink, there are some people who insist on leaving their used dishes in the sink, apparently in an attempt to soak off encrusted chili-cheese-ketchup concoctions or the fuzz on forgotten lunch dishes they’ve finally pulled out of the refrigerator. Obviously these people have no concept of basic biology. On high, the hot water coming out of the sink is about 2000 degrees Celsius. Almost nothing can survive at that temperature. The only organisms that can are found deep in the ocean around flatulent lava vents that boil the water and spew toxic chemicals. If they’ve got something like that growing on their dishes, it’s going to take a lot more than a good soak to remove them.

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FOR CHILI CHEFS AND FANCIERS (AND PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN TEXAS

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all." Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer > line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili# 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled … it’s kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late. Tell our children I’m sorry I was not there to conceive them. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: Momma??!!

May 22, 1998

Every 13 years Nashville gets infested, and I mean that in the most horrendous sense you can possibly imagine, with little red-eyed insects called cicadas. They fly around like drunk Russian airline pilots at a convention making an unbelievable amount of noise and, in some areas, blocking the sun for several hours a day. They come out of the ground at night as red-eyed wingless grubs, molt, and wait for the sun to come up so the festivities can begin. There are literally millions of them–I’m not exaggerating about this. And I consider it my sacred duty, as someone who as a child captured black widow spiders and even now is called in to pull snakes from gardens, to make sure everyone I know gets the full cicada experience. Cicadas in coffee cups, under desks, in chairs, down the backs of shirts…the possibilities for anyone who does not appreciate these creatures are endless.

But, the other night, something happened. I’ve heard that people who work calmly in reptile houses in zoos or handle huge numbers of roaches for horror films will, eventually, have a collective case of, well, the scientific term is "the willies". They’ll suddenly realize what they’re dealing with, and it will put them into a complete blind panic. I’ve always scoffed at these stories, but, the other night, having gotten up at midnight to take the dog out, I had my attack. The ground was moving, and as I stepped across the yard, I felt I was walking on what can only be described as stale potato chips and canned ravioli. Ugh. I was seized by a terrible fear and loathing. These things were DISGUSTING! Fortunately my weakness was only temporary, but it left me with a greater understanding of what some people feel. It made me sympathetic, tolerant, and deeply aware of how revolting insects can appear.

Yeah, and if you believe that, I’ll be more than happy to get you some coffee.

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Ultimate Diet

Faintly Flabby Earthlings are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope?

Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.

After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor… otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast – One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Get some in your eyebrows too. It’ll give you something to pick at for several hours of satisfying appetite control.

Lunch – Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest down your leg).

Dinner – A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.

Bedtime Snack – Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. Be sure to step on it and hear it go crunch!

DAY TWO

Breakfast – Pick up stale crunched toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Um. Yummy!

Lunch – Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack – Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Wander away without thought.

Dinner – A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a large strainer spoon, since taking your time is vital to your dieting success.

DAY THREE

Breakfast – Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Don’t pull it out later though. It hurts. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff remainder of picked over pancakes into glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Wander away without direction.

Lunch – Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Smear a design on table with remaining milk. It’s good for your artistic expression.

Dinner – Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, and coffee.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast – A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Be sure to rub some in dog’s fur just for fun.

Lunch – Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner – A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Discard meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

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COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you and you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
…who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and then do it.

May 15, 1998

Thanks to a recent change in legislation, drug companies are now allowed not only to advertise their drugs, they’re allowed to tell you what they are for as well. Why they couldn’t do that before is a mystery to me, but it’s nice to finally understand that the giant hot air balloon carrying a piano player cures allergies, that putting your hand over your mouth when you burp may be a sign that you suffer from bizarre gastrointestinal disorders, and that attractive couples walking along the beach at sunset no longer need to worry about their genital herpes.

Then come the special disclaimers. First there’s "Consult your doctor or pharmacist." I don’t know about you, but my pharmacist thinks the number of times he failed his school exams is hilarious, and occasionally stares off into space then yells out, "Where did all these pills come from?" Then there’s my favorite part: "Side effects are generally mild, and may include headache, drowsiness, sneezing, skin rashes, muscle aches, watery eyes, ear wax drainage, difficulty concentrating, violent behavior, diziness, hallucinations, hair loss, and brain hemorrhages." My diagnosis is: the commercials are worse than the disease.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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Interesting Trivia

• In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

• Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo"

• It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.

• Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

• There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald’s Big Mac bun.

• The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.

• Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

• The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

• When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

• It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.

• The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

• Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the palms of their hands.

• Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the sale of vodka.

• Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

• On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

• In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.

• Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

• Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.

• Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

• Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can.

• The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

• Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

• According to one study, 24% of Iawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard.

• Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history.

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Disclaimer: Thinkers Anonymous is in no way affiliated with Freethinkers Anonymous, nor do we support that organization. In its long history, Freethinkers Anonymous has supported thinking, and studies have shown that thinking, even to excess, can be a very healthy activity. -CW

Are YOU a problem thinker?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone – "to relax," I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I’ve been thinking…"

"I know you’ve been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it’s not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!"

"That’s a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. "I’m going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky’s." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

May 8, 1998

The rumors aren’t true. Not that I ever believed them. I was suspicious from the first moment that I heard a small meteor had recently hit the Earth, and when I heard it hit in Titusville, I knew it wasn’t true. Titusville, for those of you who don’t know, is a small town in Tennessee, and is home to my infamous Uncle Rupert. The same one who tried to drive to Europe, repaired a neighbor’s air conditioning but blew up her house, and fertilized a kudzu vine, turning an annoying weed into a mutant menace. Actually Titusville is where he and my Aunt Vita live when they’re not hiding out–I mean doing missionary work in Florida. But while the meteor story isn’t true, there was an explosion and a small crater. Uncle Rupert recently overcame his fear of technology and bought a bug zapper. This was a big move for him, especially since he’d heard that bug zappers and six-packs of beer always went together, and Uncle Rupert is a teetotaller. He wouldn’t even take cough medicine until all the alcohol was taken out and replaced with a less sinful combination of morphine, assorted barbituates, and Vitamin K. So he and Aunt Vita were sitting out enjoying their new bug zapper, and Uncle Rupert noticed an earthworm on the ground. Always a curious fellow, he decided to see what would happen when an earthworm and a bug zapper came together. For some reason, the people who design bug zappers have decided that it’s necessary to put a protective metal mesh around the glowing center that electrocutes insects, in case people decide to do something silly, like putting earthworms in their bug zapper. After several attempts, Uncle Rupert realized that he just wasn’t going to be able to throw an earthworm just right and get it through that mesh. Now, with all his experiences with electricity, you would think that Uncle Rupert would use something other than a large piece of wire to move the earthworm into position. The bad news is that Uncle Rupert no longer has a bug zapper. The good news is that his experiment attracted the attention of both Hollywood and the FBI, and there are already large delegations following him to Florida.

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THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition – even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

May 1, 1998

Earlier this week there was a general strike in Denmark. It may still be going on – I’ve noticed that as far as countries outside the United States, the media here has the short attention span they accuse the rest of us of having. Anyway, this must happen a lot over there because people are preparing themselves for a long haul. Afraid that stores are going to run out of food, they’re buying vast quantities of food and storing it in their houses. In fact, this happens so often they have a term for this. They call it–I swear I’m not making this up–hamstering. It’s taken from the way hamsters store food by stuffing it into their cheeks, and while I have yet to meet a Dane who can put a whole side of smoked salmon into his face at once, it does explain why Victor Borge is sometimes more than a little hard to understand. Anyway, I started thinking that maybe we should start using other rodents as verbs as well. We already have "ferreting", which the Webster’s Dictionary defines as "to search diligently while smelling like cedar chips and musk". So why not say that digging through your friends’ refrigerator because you’re out of food is "ratting"? Actually we also already have ratting–it’s a slang term for giving the police information about someone who’s done something illegal. This comes from the way that a rat, when cornered, will insist that it was his brother Louie who’s been digging in your garbage all this time. Down in the South, we also have the expression "playing possum", which means lying down in front of a speeding car and hoping the driver has insurance. Finally, we come to my own contribution to rodent terms: Sitting in one place for days, shrieking occasionally, and trying to bite anyone who comes near you should be called "guinea pigging". Already you’re probably thinking of people to whom this applies.

Enjoy this week’s offering.

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Children of the 80’s

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.

The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.

They have no memory of a time before MTV.

"New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.

Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex Pistols — are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a losing Congressional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history text’s reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

Their world has always included AIDS.

Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the 1970s.

They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.

They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids — on video.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard) one.

From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing — and why anyone WOULDN’T buy a Chevy Suburban is beyond them.

Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if they went to Catholic schools.

The Cold War, Perestroika and the Berlin Wall are all historical curiosities to them, as is being scared witless about nuclear attacks with something called "The Day After," which they remember hearing about vaguely.

Dallas is that weird re-run in among the line dancing shows in The Nashville Network.

So is the Dukes of Hazard.

Such a thing exists as "Classical Alternative."

Richard Petty is "Kyle’s dad."

Many of them probably never saw a filmstrip projector, let alone a filmstrip in grade school/preschool.

Sting was in The Police??

They don’t remember when Ahmad Rashad played football, and wasn’t even named Ahmad Rashad.

They never saw the films shown on Mystery Science Theater on late-night monster movie shows like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark and such as serious horror films.

Catch phrases that might mean something: Herb, Where’s the Beef, New Coke.

Their parents had to lift them up to be part of Hands Across America.

They can’t identify most of the artists who performed on USA For Africa’s We are the World (let alone identify that Michael Jackson is INDEED the black guy singing the first chorus, since it looks nothing like him).

Their first computer experience was not on a Commodore 64.

Four words: CB Radio. What gives?

The explosion of the Challenger was not all that significant to their lives, nor do they remember where they were for it.

They’ve never experienced a live, understandable Bob Dylan (though Jakob is cute).

Some had hand-me-down Cabbage Patch Dolls.

It takes them a while to remember what Schoolhouse Rock and Afterschool Specials are.

Where did they watch things like Happy Days, Saturday Night Live, The Muppet Show, and other like shows? Nickelodeon.

Most of us remember TV announcers such as NBA analyst Bill Walton, football announcer Dan Dierdorf, NHL commentator John Davidson and baseball announcer Joe Morgan when they were still active players, and when there was only one series and one issue of sports cards – Topps.

Some of US are getting class reunion forms that have an optional listing for "grandchildren."

We’ve lived through Pac-Man fever – the album and the affliction – and fought to get those mini-arcade games from Coleco.

Zoom was not a verb, and the Electric Company is not where mom and dad pay bills.

We know why Hooper’s Grocery Store is named Hooper’s on Sesame Street.

Iron-ons were all over our clothes.

There was no such things as roller blades – there were roller skates, which were essentially tennis shows with shopping cart wheels flung on at random on a piece of sheet metal. There was also apparently no such thing as skating safety, apparently caused by all parents having a lifetime supply of peroxide and mercurochrome for our skinned knees. Well, except for the times we were at roller discos or dancing to organists instead of disc jockeys playing organ music. And skating in reverse.

These kids, unlike us, had those chic and stylish girl scout/boy scout uniforms, as our handbooks seemed to indicate we’d get merit badges for looking like complete dorks.

The Brat Pack movies – like Outsiders and The Breakfast Club – were the script and soundtrack to our lives. Unlike Pulp Fiction.

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Basic Rules For Dogs

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark – a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark…

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from the toilet immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll hink it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never – quite – catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. …Eat a shoe.

April 24, 1998

Earlier this week I had to attend a presentation. In other words, I was put in a soft chair in an overheated room with all the lights off while a soft-spoken person at the front of the room put some nice, relaxing slides up on a big screen. It was something to do with money, or how to survive in the event of a governmental collapse, or something like that. I don’t really remember because, as you can guess, I fell asleep. Now, falling asleep in presentations wouldn’t be a bad thing if my brain didn’t have an essentially mischievous nature. After all, I can always get all the information I need from the ominpresent handouts, and who doesn’t like a nap right after lunch? The trouble is my brain works very hard at convincing me I’m still awake. You’ve probably had the experience yourself. Despite all your best efforts, slowly but surely you drift off. You get the usual surreal dream stuff, but there’s just enough of what’s going on around you in there that you don’t realize you’re sound asleep. I happily went on through the presentation completely unaware that I lost consciousness somewhere around "Good afternoon…" and regained it just before, "Are there any questions?" So I didn’t understand why everyone was so surprised when I said, "I understood the variable interest fixtures, but could you explain why right after that you turned into a giant carrot?"

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ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND

This is from an actual trial in the UK.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William’s Stick Did The Trick".

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

The case was dismissed.

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I AM TIRED BECAUSE:

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so the leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and Me. And you’re sitting there playing around on your computer!

April 17, 1998

I’m afraid this week’s edition was delayed by an unexpected visitor in the area: a tornado. Tornadoes are large swirling masses of wind that leave a path of destruction wherever they go. They don’t, however, drink beer, which is the one thing that distinguishes them from my Uncle Philip. The tornado made several surprise appearances and was greeted by many friendly people who went to get a better look at it while those of us who belong in the gene pool were diving for the nearest basement. The local news missed their chance to interview the tornado, but they did show the same picture of a car buried under a pile of bricks thirty times (in case the original owner was wondering where he’d parked), and had contests to see who could use the word "tornadic" the most times without laughing. Finally a panel of experts came on to wrap things up, to analyze the number of touchdowns and discuss ways the Tennessee Tornadoes could score more on their return visit, plans for computer games, T-shirts, movies, and a discussion of the difficulties in getting a tornado to sign a contract. It all took me back to my grade school days when, with thirty other children, I was marched into a pre-fabricated building on concrete blocks and shown a film of the damage tornadoes do to trailer parks. It was a lot like getting on a plane and being shown "The World’s Worst Airline Disasters" at 15,000 feet.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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35 signs you might be a Yankee

• You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

• You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY.

• You don’t have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

• For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

• You don’t know what a moon pie is.

• You’ve never had grain alcohol.

• You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.

• You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

• You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.

• You have no idea what a polecat is.

• Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

• You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

• You don’t have bangs.

• You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

• More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

• You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

• Instead of referring to two or more people as "y’all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

• You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.

• You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

• You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

• You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

• The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

• You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

• The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

• You call binoculars opera glasses.

• You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

• You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

• You don’t know what applique is.

• Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.

• You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob, Plumb Bob)

• You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.

• You’ve never been to a craft show.

• You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

• You can’t do your laundry without quarters.

• None of your fur coats are homemade.

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Facts of Life

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can’t buy happiness… But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. If you have 3 friends who are OK, then you’re it.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

11. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (But: "Wearing the right thing only takes money. Wearing the wrong thing takes initiative."–Ben Elton)

12. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

13. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

April 10, 1998

Spring forward, and fall back. Those are the rules for Daylight Savings Time. For those of you who don’t know, Daylight Savings Time is an ingenious invention that magically kicks in during times of the year when it’s light when you get up in the morning and dark when you come home from work, and makes it so it’s dark when you get up in the morning and light when you come home from work. It’s used in most places, except for hard to reach parts of the globe where civilization has not yet reached, and a large part of Indiana.

But I repeat myself. The advantage of Daylight Savings Time, whether you’re gaining an hour or losing an hour, is that for about three weeks after the change you can use it as an excuse for anything. You can come in six hours late to work, and as long as you say, "Boy, this time change has really got me screwed up," even the strictest boss will be sympathetic. You can blame everything on the time change. Well, not everything. That reminds me – I have a court appearance coming up, but if I miss it, I’ll just say I forgot to reset my watch.

Enjoy this week’s offering.

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Things I’ve learned from my children (honest and no kidding)

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

• A 4 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

• It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

• When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

• The glass in windows (even double paned) desn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

• When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it’s already too late.

• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak, it explodes.

• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

• Duplos will not.

• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

• Super glue is forever.

• McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.

• Ditto Tarzan.

• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

• VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

• Plastic toys do not like ovens.

• The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

• It will however make cats dizzy.

• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

• Kids do know the difference between cigarette smoke and "other" types of smoke

• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly  in retrospect).