The Weird Series.

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Bob: All right, we’re back from the break. Ray, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a game like this, but that’s the beauty of the playoffs. We really get to see some very different teams go up against each other.

Ray: Don’t I know it. If you’re just tuning in it’s William Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying playing against Lewis Carrol’s Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland. The score is currently tied at the bottom of the ninth with the Wonderlands taking the field. And…wait a minute! Yes! The Queen of Hearts is coming out to pitch.

Bob: Listen to that crowd. They really love her here.

Ray: She’s the best closer they’ve ever had. Can you believe there was talk of trading her to Wuthering Heights?

Bob: Yeah, they’ve needed a good closer since Heathcliff has been on the DL with a torn tricep.

Ray: Vardaman is now coming up to the plate. You know we’ve talked about how interesting it is that he uses a bat shaped life a fish.

Bob: And he’s a switch hitter. Looks like he’s going to be batting left-handed since it’s the Queen pitching. And here comes the pitch…it’s up…looks like a foul. That’s one strike for Vardaman. Looks like the Queen is really brushing off the catcher.

Ray: Can’t have anything to do with him being mad as a March hare can it?

Bob: Well, since he is…wow! Line drive right down the center! Vardaman is running to first. The Mad Hatter has it. He throws it to the Caterpillar at first base, but too late. Vardaman is safe at first.

Ray: The Dying have shown a really strong offense this year. Earlier this month they did amazingly well winning two out of three games in their series against Edith Wharton’s Ethan Frome.

Bob: Dewey Dell is coming up to bat now. She has a current average of .225, with a strikeout in the second and a ground out in the seventh.

Ray: And the first pitch is a strike! Wait a minute. Coach Vernon Tull is taking the field to talk to the umpire about that call.

Bob: The umpire is Stephen Dedalus who was a right fielder for James Joyce’s Ulysses, and before that played first base for Portrait of the Artist As A Young Man.

Ray: Right. And this is Coach Tull’s last challenge of the game.

Bob: You played with Stephen Dedalus, didn’t you Ray?

Ray: Yeah, he and I both played as substitutes for Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. I was filling in for left-fielder Grandpa George in that big matchup against The Epic of Gilgamesh.

Bob: They had a substitution too, didn’t they? I think I remember their shortstop the Bull of Heaven was out that game.

Ray: Right, Phil Rizzuto was substituting.

Bob: Anyway Coach Tull is done talking to the umpire now. It looked like a pretty clear strike. I wouldn’t have wasted a challenge on that if I were him.

Ray: I know. It looks like he’s going back to the dugout now. He’s pretty steamed. Look at the replay.

Bob: Here comes the next pitch. It’s a ball…and another ball…and a strike. Even count. And it’s another ball.

Ray: Do you think the Queen is going to walk Dewey?

Bob: Well she’s only walked eleven of the last seventy players she’s pitched against. Seven of those were in the three-game series against Herman Melville’s Moby Dick.

Ray: Another ball! Dewey will go to first and Vardaman advances to second. No outs.

Bob: We should take this opportunity to point out that all players are wearing the number twenty-four today in memory of Hall of Famer Odysseus.

Ray: Doctor Peabody is coming up to bat now. He’s one for three with a solo home run in the third. Here’s the pitch. Strike!

Bob: Looks like the change-up really threw him there.

Ray: Strike two! And that’s another swing and a miss and Doctor Peabody has struck out. That gives the Dying their first out of the inning. Darl Dell is now coming up to bat.

Bob: Darl has a .195 average. With two on and one out and Wonderland ahead by two he’s in a position to make a big difference in this game.

Ray: Swing and a miss. That’s one ball, one strike. There’s the pitch. It’s a high fly to left field! The Mad Hatter drifts back! He catches it! And Darl is out.

Bob: Two out and two on base. And Coach Alice is going to the mound now. The March Hare and the Cheshire Cat are coming over. The White Rabbit is coming too. He’s been warming up in the whiterabbitbullpen. You don’t think Alice is going to take out the Queen this late in the game, do you?

Ray: Coach Alice makes some surprising choices. Remember she substituted Humpty Dumpty for the Gryphon in that matchup against Dante’s Divine Comedy.

Bob: Addie Bundren is at the plate now. Being in a coffin hasn’t hurt her at all. She’s still hitting a solid .301.

Ray: High pop to left field! It’s a foul.

Bob: Addie had the other home run in the fifth to bring Reverend Whitfield home. And there’s a hit! She’s running to first! The Cheshire Cat has the ball. He throws to the Caterpillar! And Addie Bundren is out.

Ray: Vardaman has moved to third and Dewey Dell is on second now with two outs.

Bob: Cora Tull comes to the plate now. This could be the Dying’s chance to at least tie up the game.

Ray: Ball one. Cora let that go right by. Ball two. The White Rabbit is really throwing wide. You don’t think he’ll walk her, do you?

Bob: And load the bases? Strike one! Strike two! Oh! The White Rabbit just threw to the Dormouse at second and picked off Dewey Dell! That’s the game!

Ray: Lucky he wasn’t asleep. Alice in Wonderland wins the game. They’ll go on now to play against Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.

Bob: With the narrator of Edgar Allan Poe’s The Tell-Tale Heart filling in as the starting pitcher that’ll be an interesting game.

Ray: Don’t I know it.

dontiknowit

2 Comments

  1. Gina W.

    Very clever to have literary figures play baseball Christopher. I read this earlier this morning and have been trying to think of something to add. And I’ve got nothing. I was thinking I could make some funny comment like, “Anton Chekhov was supposed to play today but he’s having trouble getting over his nagging cough”. But I realized that not everyone would know that Chekhov died of tuberculosis. Also, tuberculosis is just inherently unfunny. Anyway, well done.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      You’ve contributed a comment that made me laugh and that’s nothing to cough sneeze at. Unfortunately the full cast of The Cherry Orchard was eliminated before the playoffs. And none other than Lenny Bruce said that tuberculosis is HILARIOUS. He had a point, although I can’t agree with his claim that pellagra is the hippest disease you can have even if you did bring it up from Southampton.

      Reply

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