Not Non-Fiction

Stories.

How D’You Like Them Apples?

Author: October 22, 2021 4 Comments

It’s October and time to finally put to rest one of the most vexing seasonal questions of all: what is the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Apple juice: Non-alcoholic.

Apple cider: May be non-alcoholic or alcoholic. Traditionally alcoholic in Europe the term “cider” referred to raw apple juice in the US for a long time in spite of its derivation from a Hebrew word meaning “strong drink” before the rising popularity of alcoholic cider.

 

Apple juice: Filtered, clear.

Apple cider: Generally unfiltered; may be clear or cloudy.

 

Apple juice: Pasteurized.

Apple cider: Generally also pasteurized but at a lower temperature or shorter period, giving it a shorter shelf life. Left alone will either turn into apple cider vinegar or applesauce.

 

Apple juice: Consumed year-round, mostly by children.

Apple cider: The alcoholic variety is consumed year-round, mostly by adults, while the non-alcoholic variety is consumed in the fall at church picnics by people who think it sounds kind of seasonal and also it’s cheaper.

 

Apple juice: Squeezed from the fruit using modern equipment, processed, and bottled within twenty-four hours.

Apple cider: Fruit and pulp are pressed in ancient stone building. The juice is then left to ferment for months or years while druids perform strange rituals over the barrels.

 

Apple juice: Usually served cold but can also be served hot and flavored with spices such as cinnamon, cloves, and star anise.

Apple cider: Always cold because of its aura of menace. Sucks the life force from cinnamon sticks like Billy Zane in The Mummy.

 

Apple juice: Made from a variety of red delicious apples specifically bred for juice.

Apple cider: Made from cursed apples that grow in orchards planted in forgotten graveyards.

 

Apple juice: Apples are harvested by industrial means in large quantities.

Apple cider: Apples are harvested by hand by tough withered Steinbeck characters with names like Nick, Skipjack, and Hortense.

 

Apple juice: Found on grocery store shelves next to the powdered drink mixes.

Apple cider: Found in the refrigerated section of the grocery store next to the beer, but may also be sold to you in the alley behind the store by a tough withered Steinbeck character with a three-day beard, an eyepatch, wearing a tattered trenchcoat, and carrying an axe. Answers to “Hortense”.

 

Apple juice: May be made from concentrate.

Apple cider: You know it’s thinking something.

 

Apple juice: Family friendly; often sold in bottles adorned with cartoon characters.

Apple cider: “We only fly the flag of the Jolly Roger,” says Hortense, glaring at you.

 

Apple juice: Goes great with a child’s afternoon snack of graham crackers or ginger snaps.

Apple cider: Lurks in the darkness waiting for the proper incantations that will release the demons trapped in its depths.

 

Apple juice: May have added sugar.

Apple cider: “I’d be more concerned with what it takes,” says Hortense, wiping something from her axe.

 

Apple juice: Makes adults nostalgic for carefree summer days of running barefoot through the tall grass with friends.

Apple cider: Wants you to pour it out over a blood sacrifice performed under a full moon, thus opening a portal to the netherworld where dark and mysterious creatures still reign.

 

Apple juice: Has a diuretic effect.

Apple cider: The only thing known to dislodge that bubblegum you swallowed in third grade.

Source: Wondermark


Source: Wondermark

Not Non-Fiction, Pop Quiz, Quick Takes., The Weekly Essay

The Makeover.

Author: October 8, 2021 8 Comments

Source: Fromoldbooks.org

It’s been several thousand years and I finally decided it was time for a makeover. The look I’ve always used has worked well but, you know, sometimes it kind of gets me down how people react when they see me, so I thought it might be nice to lighten up a little bit. The black robe was really a matter of convenience, anyway. I’m always really busy and rarely get a chance to sit down and put my feet up before there’s another call, so having something that was easy to put on in a hurry just made sense, and the black is always good for sort of blending in, especially when I needed to sneak up on people. I don’t like doing that but, you know, it’s unavoidable that some people will try to get away when they see me coming.

Black is always in fashion too. You know, they had a saying back in the mid-1300s: black is the new black.

So I wanted to keep it simple, you know? Something that would still be easy to put on when I have to rush to work or when I just have to walk the dog. Oh yeah, my dog doesn’t leave me much downtime either. With three heads and one butt he’s constantly on the go if you know what I mean.

Sometimes I also ride a horse, which is great for covering a lot of territory, especially when I get called to a battlefield or some place like that. It’s just not convenient when I have to get into small places and you can’t take a horse everywhere. Sometimes I switch it up with the motorcycle just for more speed but sometimes it’s better to just wing it.

Not wanting to get too dressed up didn’t leave me with a lot of options so I thought the best thing to do might be a pattern. Believe it or not I thought about trying a camo look. I figured it would be good for blending in, especially on those battlefields, but it just didn’t feel right for me. I don’t always enjoy what I do but I still feel like it’s important and I don’t want to hide it. I thought maybe some stripes or a paisley pattern could be a good way to mix it up, but that’s not really my style either. Finally I decided to trade in the black for a nice lavender, in taffeta so it would have a nice sheen. I also got the same thing in magenta or, if I’m feeling really kicky, aqua, and got the wings to match. Sometimes I’d also trade in the hood for a raspberry beret. Got the idea from Zevon–we always had this mutual admiration–and again when Prince came over.

I decided to put on a few pounds too. You know, they had a saying back in the 1980’s: you can’t be too rich or too thin. I guess I’ve always been both, and neither one’s done me much good. Anyway I wanted to give people a friendly smile, which is hard when you don’t have lips.

The scythe really didn’t fit with any of that, and, well, it’s always been just a prop anyway. It’s not like I’m actually out there reaping, so I traded that in for a small pointer kind of stick.

I didn’t think about running any of this past HR—I’m pretty much my own boss—but then I got this memo from another department:

Dear Mr. Death,
We formally request that you cease and desist from using our look as this can result in confusion among our clients. It is also disparaging to our brand.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmothers, LLC

Okay, fine. It was just something I thought I’d try. I guess I can let them have their clients. They all come to me in the end anyway.

Source: Expresso Beans Forum

Not Non-Fiction, The Weekly Essay

Please Dream Responsibly.

Author: July 23, 2021 6 Comments

“Molson Coors Beverage Company announced an ad they’re calling the ‘Coors Big Game Dream’ that uses something called ‘Targeted Dream Incubation’ to play commercials in your dreams (assuming you get some). Under the consultation of psychologist Dr. Deirdre Barrett, the beer conglomerate designed a combination ‘stimulus film’ and eight-hour soundscape that aims to ‘shape and compel your subconscious’ into dreaming about two signature drinks.”

–The Daily Beast

 

 

To: All Clients

Subject: Increased Advertising Opportunities

Good morning everyone,

As you are aware one of the impediments our industry faces is that, in spite of the increasing use of product placements in media, utilizing every available space, and efforts to turn every single person who’s ever lived as well as some animals into influencers, there are times when consumers simply don’t think about the products we’re trying to sell them. In an effort to proactively seize previously missed opportunities we are looking for ways to monetize the approximately seven to nine hours a day when most consumers are asleep. The technique of “Targeted Dream Incubation” is key to this new endeavor.

While this technique has been tried before technological limitations made it too intrusive. Our previous methods included calling people in the middle of the night and playing commercials. We also tried sending trucks equipped with megaphones through neighborhoods at night blaring messages about various products in an attempt to infiltrate the dreams of sleeping residents. We also tried paying aspiring actors to stand outside darkened homes and yell through the windows. Both of these methods resulted in some unfortunate incidents and litigation which is still pending, as well as generally negative reactions from consumers.

Now smart speakers and similar devices mean we can offer such advertising more unobtrusively, even without consumers even knowing it. To this end we’re looking at several options:

Since our first endeavor was for alcoholic beverages we’re looking at ways to preface the experience with “You must be 21 or older to enter this dream” in the United States, adjusting the number to 18 for Canada, Britain, and Australia, and to “You must be able to walk” for various parts of Europe.

Potential crossover opportunities. Our research has found that not all dream experiences are positive and we’re looking at ways to exploit this. We’ve had several pitch meetings to discuss the idea of reviving the character of Freddy Krueger from the popular ‘80’s film franchise. He remains popular in the nightmares of Gen X consumers and many have passed this on to their children. Maybe we could also reboot the 1984 film Dreamscape.

Regarding that same demographic we’ve tried, so far unsuccessfully, to enlist the band R.E.M. but remain optimistic they’ll come around.

We hope you’ll join us in what our former vice president of marketing Catherine called a “brave new world” shortly before she resigned and moved to an undisclosed off-grid cabin in Montana. Her last company e-mail included the question, “How do you sleep at night?” and we are grateful for this excellent suggestion for a marketing slogan.

Good night, everyone!

Source: Giphy

Not Non-Fiction, Submitted For Your Approval., The Weekly Essay

As You Sow So Shall You Reap.

Author: May 21, 2021 4 Comments

Source: Twitter user Lesego Semenya (@LesDaChef)

In the beginning there was wild mustard and it was good. It was pretty tasty and the seeds were good for spicing up food, especially sausage which had just been invented. It was nutritious and everyone was fine with this plant as it was.

Then it was cultivated and the cultivation led to collard greens. And this was okay too. Collard greens were also nutritious and while some didn’t like them most people were just fine with them.

Then more cultivation led to cabbage. Some people didn’t like cabbage but most did. Cabbage was useful. You could boil it or wrap other foods up in the leaves. Cabbage rolls and coffee got a lot of people going in the morning. Or the afternoon. Or whenever. It was good for making cole slaw. It was also good for serving with corned beef, which was called that even though it had no corn in it. Corn hadn’t been invented yet.

Then came brussels sprouts. Brussels sprouts were basically tiny cabbages that grew on a stem. No one could explain why this was necessary, but the prevailing belief was that it was because Belgium was annoyed with the Netherlands for also being called Holland and for having people known as the Dutch, which is too many names for such a small country. Brussels sprouts were divisive. People either really hated them or were moderately okay with them. They were pretty good roasted and were deemed acceptable when drenched with cheddar cheese, which had just been invented.

Somewhere in here kohlrabi came along. No one was sure what to do with kohlrabi or how to eat it or if it should be cooked or served raw. Finally everyone just decided that the best thing was to give it a weird name and move on.

Then came broccoli. People were okay with broccoli. It was like eating tiny trees, and everyone got a kick out of that. It didn’t have a lot of flavor in spite of being a descendant of wild mustard but people could at least claim they were having something healthy at office parties by eating broccoli smothered in ranch dressing, which had just been invented.

Shortly after broccoli cauliflower came along. No one was sure why and half the people wanted to call it a flower and half the people wanted to call it an amniotic membrane. No one was sure what to do with cauliflower but since it was related to broccoli it was put on the vegetable trays with ranch dressing. Cauliflower could also be boiled and mashed into a paste so that people would think they were getting a nice big serving of potatoes until they ate it and it just tasted like wet cardboard.

And then there was kale. No one was sure where kale came from but everyone agreed that it should go back. In spite of efforts to make it palatable by turning it into chips or mixing it with bacon, which some falsely tried to claim had been invented for just that purpose, no one liked kale. Cheese ran in terror from it.

Kale would have been the black sheep of the brassica family but not even sheep would eat it. Regardless of when it had been invented it was the dead end of a once proud lineage, a cultivar that only existed because some cabbage grower somewhere hadn’t stopped when they were a head.

 

Nature Talks., Not Non-Fiction, The Weekly Essay

Your COVID-19 Return To Work Horoscope.

Author: April 30, 2021 6 Comments

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

It’s going to be okay. Really. Just relax, take deep breaths, and remember that while things are on the path to being normal they haven’t quite gotten there yet. Now would be a good time to find your keys that you haven’t used since last July when you went out at three in the morning for a pint of ice cream.

 

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

You’re really not looking forward to going back because you feel like everyone blames you. It was around your birthday, after all, that everything had to be shut down. You’re going to spend about a month working under your desk.

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re used to having to readjust, and that’s all this is. It’s a readjustment. It’s just like when you found the perfect spot for your home office until you realized the morning sun shone directly through that window in late spring so you had to move next to the washing machine which, thanks kids, now runs sixteen hours a day.

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

That banana you left in your desk? Still there. Sure, you’ve tried to sneak in several times to retrieve it but were stopped by security every time, except that time you just forgot your access card. Lucky for you the banana was in the perfect spot over the air vent and you now have what’s basically a solid black boomerang that smells vaguely like a banana.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re going to be in the office but not really in the office, if you know what I mean. And you probably don’t. It’s okay. I don’t either. But, really, are any of us, like, really here?

 

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

How much are you looking forward to going back? Oh wow, you’re looking forward to going back so much. You’ve plotted out the path you’re going to make around the office telling everyone how great it is to be back. Is anyone really looking forward to you being back? You won’t give them a chance to say.

 

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Oh great, Kevin’s coming over to tell you how happy he is to be back in the office. You’ve spent more than a year thinking the office might actually be safer than anywhere else because Kevin sucks all the oxygen out of it. Now would be a good time for a bathroom break. At home.

 

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Pre-heat oven to 300 degrees. Peel back corner of foil to expose the tater tots. Place tray on a baking sheet and place on center rack in the oven. After twenty minutes turn counter-clockwise ninety degrees. Leave in oven an additional twenty minutes.

 

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Oh, you’re ready to come back. You’ve been ready. And when you do you’ll show them. You’ll show all of them. You’ve been working on this for months. You didn’t want anyone to see it so you’ve put it all on paper, and it’s—oh, wait, you just spilled coffee on it.

 

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

HAHAHAHAHA. You’ve been more productive over the last year than you have over the previous three years combined. Go back? Fuhgeddaboutit. If anybody needs to reach you they can schedule a call.

 

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Wir können gehen, wann wir wollen

Die Nacht ist jung und ich auch

Und wir können uns richtig ordentlich anziehen

Von unseren Hüten bis zu unseren Füßen

Und überraschen Sie sie mit dem Siegesschrei.

 

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

What’s all this about people coming back? You thought it’s been unusually quiet in the office for, well, more than a year now, but aside from the whole place smelling like banana for about a month nothing unusual has happened. Oh, hey, sounds like the guy’s finally restocking the vending machine. It’s about damn time. Even the jerky was starting to look a little weird.

 

 

Adventures In Busing., Not Non-Fiction, Submitted For Your Approval., The Weekly Essay

Inter-office Memos: National Poetry Month Edition.

Author: April 23, 2021 4 Comments

Because I could not stop for work—

They sent it to my room—

No one could tell I had no pants—

Because we met in Zoom—

–E. Dickinson & Associates, Amherst

From: elsa.hildegard@ passaicgen.com

To: All Staff

Subject: Plums!!!

I left a bag of plums in the break room refrigerator. Someone ate them even though the bag was clearly marked with my name on it. They were there for after my morning run. THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. Show some respect, people. I don’t want to place blame unfairly but I think whoever did it left their red wheelbarrow out next to the chickens.

From: bill.c.williams@ passaicgen.com

To: elsa.hildegard@ passaicgen.com

Subject: RE: Plums!!!

This is just to say

I’m sorry. I have eaten the plums

That you were probably saving for breakfast.

Forgive me. They were delicious,

And I thought they were like the Girl Scout cookies

You brought last week.

From: elsa.hildegard@ passaicgen.com

To: elsa.hildegard@ passaicgen.com

Subject: RE: Plums!!!

Okay, Bill, I forgive you, but seriously learn to indent.

 

From D. Thomas, in the cubicle next to yours:

A Refusal To Mourn Your Departure From The Office

 

Do not go gentle into retirement,

It’s still too soon for your 401(k).

Now, now, go tell the boss he should get bent.

 

Your final e-mail has been typed and sent,

You’ve had a cake, and it’s the end of day.

Do not go gentle into retirement,

Now, now, go tell the boss he should get bent.

Coming Up:

Charles Dodgson, L.C., offers advice on wooing celebrity investors in “The Hunting Of The Shark”

Elizabeth Bishop’s instructions on dealing with corporate bankruptcy with “The Art Of Losing”

Walt Whitman contains multitudes, because he’s offering sweet deals on office space.

Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., The Weekly Essay

Annual Report: 2020/2021

Author: April 1, 2021 6 Comments

April 2020-After a relatively productive March the weight of the lockdown hit all staff like a ton of bricks. This left everyone pretty down until team member Joe Bertman asked, “Hey, how many bricks would it take to make a ton?” Everyone leapt into this new research project and quickly determined it would be about 305 bricks. Additional questions were raised about whether it was a standard ton or a metric ton, and if it were a metric ton shouldn’t it be spelled “tonne”? Anyway the answer for a metric tonne turned out to be between 333 and 385 so that was pretty much a month wasted.

May 2020-Staff gathered to determine whether it would be feasible to once again try to find the best milkshake in the city of Nashville with the usual debates over whether the search would include chain restaurants or only local places and how “local” would be defined. Then the realization that lots of places were still closed and no one was going anywhere anyway hit everyone like a tonne of bricks so that was pretty much a month wasted.

June 2020-Everyone continued to focus on their new responsibility, sitting in a closet eating Funyuns and reading Edgar Allan Poe, so that was pretty much a month wasted.

July 2020-Team member Joe Bertman suggested turning all those cardboard boxes filling the recycle bin into miniature models of houses and neighborhoods and either painting them or covering them with construction paper to make a charming village. When asked what the next step would be Joe said, “I dunno, set it on fire?” For some reason no one could get excited about this so that was pretty much a month wasted.

August 2020-The team ran out of Funyuns and no one really wanted more so that was pretty much a month wasted.

September 2020-Everyone got briefly excited about the question, “What Hollywood legends would be the funniest people to sing classic ’80’s songs?” Everyone thought James Mason doing an understated cover of “Tainted Love” would be hilarious, and that Shelley Winters doing “You Give Love A Bad Name” wouldn’t be funny so much as just awesome. Then team member Joe Bertman suggested “She Drives Me Crazy” sung by Katherine Hepburn, and everyone sort of drifted away thinking about how that wouldn’t sound that different from the original, so that was pretty much a month wasted.

October 2020-The annual team Halloween party was held via Zoom. No one showed up so that was pretty much a month wasted.

November 2020-Staff realized the CEO had been wearing the same hoodie since March and set off on a research project that ultimately determined that a hoodie worn for eight months by a man in his forties had the same accumulation of dirt and oil as a hoodie worn for eight hours by a teenage boy. The hoodie was then placed in the washing machine but then escaped, leaving a soggy trail, so that was pretty much a month wasted.

December 2020-Staff celebrated Hanukkah, the Solstice, and Christmas by sitting in a closet eating peanut brittle and reading Dylan Thomas, so that was pretty much a month wasted.

January 2021-No one could remember when January wasn’t pretty much a month wasted.

February 2021-Staff decided to revisit and earlier issue and a contest was held to see who could do the best impersonation of Katherine Hepburn singing “She Drives Me Crazy”. First place went to the CEO’s hoodie which showed up just for the event but then abruptly left, so the prize, a homemade milkshake, was given to team member Joe “Mudhead” Bertman. Staff had accidentally bought sorbet which it was soon discovered makes a terrible milkshake, so that was pretty much a month wasted.

March 2021-Staff began receiving vaccinations and there were signs of things returning to normal until everyone started wondering what “normal” looked like and then everyone just sort of drifted off to go and get wasted.

Happy Birthday., Not Non-Fiction, Submitted For Your Approval., The Vault

Pie In The Sky.

Author: March 19, 2021 2 Comments

“Pizza Is a Healthier Breakfast Than Cereal, According to a Nutritionist”–Health.com

Welcome to another episode of Mouth Of America! This week we’ll be enjoying some of the different styles of cereal around the country. First we’ll head to New York, best known for its thin style of serving up Raisin Bran, usually on plates instead of bowls. Paper plates are great and can conveniently be folded in half for easy carrying when you’re strolling around the five boroughs, although they don’t hold milk too well.

Next we’re off to Chicago for their famous deep bowl cereal style, often served up with heavy cream and requiring an extra large spoon. Few things go better with a Bears game than a big bowl of shredded wheat topped with a hot, gooey layer of melted sugar.

As long as we’re in the Midwest let’s also stop to take in Detroit style cereal. The legacy of John Harvey Kellogg, inventor of corn flakes, still reigns here with his traditional cereal  served up in square or rectangular bowls, and for some reason they also put butter on it.

Right next door of course is Wisconsin, America’s dairyland, which explains why corn flakes are also popular here and also why instead of milk they use cottage cheese. That’s…interesting. Let’s move on.

Down South cereals lean more toward the dried fruit and whole nut end of the aisle with puffed rice also a popular choice. South Carolina style cereal is especially well known for its vinegar and mustard based toppings and seriously what is wrong with people?

Now we head back to the middle of the country for some of the famous St. Louis cereal and molasses I can understand but why for the love of all that is holy are they putting tomato sauce on it.

Just a little to the north is Iowa where the most popular cereal is corn. Just corn. Raw corn on the cob. In a bowl.

Let’s move on. You don’t have to jet across the Pacific to enjoy Hawaiian style cereal which has become popular across the country. Adding pineapple to your cereal doesn’t sound so bad. Oh, please tell me you didn’t just put ham in a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. I think I’m going to be sick.

Finally it’s off to California for, oh, no, wait, we’re going to the Pacific Northwest for Seattle-style and, yep, I was afraid of that, they’re putting fish on it.

Well, that’s all for our tour of the cereal styles of America, and I’m only going to say because I’m contractually obligated to read the script that cereal is good food no matter how you slice it.

Not Non-Fiction, Ramble With Me., The Weekly Essay

And All The Devils Are Here.

Author: March 12, 2021 4 Comments

Before contacting us with an issue or problem please refer to our helpful FAQ.

Question: I have an issue or problem. How should I contact you?

Answer: Refer to our helpful FAQ.

 

Question: My issue or problem isn’t addressed in the FAQ. Where’s the contact information?

Answer: We’ve anticipated every possible question and have provided an answer. No matter what the issue is you’ll find it somewhere in our helpful FAQ.

 

Question: Uh, no, it’s not in there. Is there a person I could contact?

Answer: Please submit any questions you have that aren’t addressed in our helpful FAQ and our staff will answer them and add them to the FAQ.

 

Question: So how do I submit a question?

Answer: Since all possible questions have been answered in our helpful FAQ we’ve shut down the submission form.

 

Question: So there’s no way for me to contact anybody?

Answer: We’ve made customer service convenient and cost-effective by replacing all people with our helpful FAQ.

 

Question: You’re telling me there’s no way to get an answer then.

Answer: This doesn’t appear to be a question but we’re including it in our helpful FAQ anyway.

 

Question: Why are you doing this?

Answer: As previously stated our goal is to make customer service as convenient and cost-effective as possible.

 

Question: Will the cost-savings be passed on to customers?

Answer: <code><insert/laughing-so-hard-we’re-crying-emoji></code>

 

Question: How do I cancel my service then?

Answer: Cancellations can be handled by our customer service department.

 

Question: Didn’t you say you eliminated your customer service?

Answer: Correct! In the interests of efficiency and cost-savings we fired our entire customer service team and replaced them with this helpful FAQ.

 

Question: [REDACTED]

Answer: While we ask that you refrain from using profanity in the FAQ we appreciate that it was used as part of a question.

 

If there is anything else we may assist you with please feel free to refer to this helpful and informative FAQ, and thank you for your business.

Not Non-Fiction, The Weekly Essay

It Could Happen.

Author: February 26, 2021 3 Comments

Source: Sitcoms Online

Certain corners of the internet are exploding with the news that the new streaming service Blitz will launch with a reboot of the classic sitcom My Mother The Car. The show’s premise was typical of the ‘60’s, and perhaps even less ridiculous sounding now: attorney David Crabtree, played by Jerry Van Dyke, buys an antique car, specifically a 1926 Reichenbach, only to discover that it’s inhabited by the ghost of his deceased mother. She talks to him through the car’s radio and only he can hear her. She helps him through various difficulties with his wife and career as he evades the unscrupulous Captain Manzini, who’s determined to acquire the valuable antique car.

With its moody lighting, lack of a laughtrack, and muted performances My Mother The Car continues to be widely acclaimed as the worst sitcom of all time but still managed to develop a loyal cult following. It even spawned a series of comics published by DC with Crabtree and Mother becoming crime fighting quasi-superheroes.

Most attempts to bring back My Mother The Car since its 1966 cancellation have failed. Perhaps the most notable was Steven Spielberg’s 1986 big screen adaptation. Because of the film’s raunchy humor, including a subplot of Mother working for an escort service, it barely got by with a PG-13 rating and posters of Mother sporting an oversized cigar under her hood were quickly pulled from theater lobbies. Fans who continued to hold occasional “car-ventions” at Jerry Van Dyke’s Ice Cream Soda Shoppes around the country lamented the steady decline of their beloved franchise.

Then in 2018 interest was renewed with the cinematic release of the four and a half hour superhero epic Justice League: Quantum Fracture, which pulled together a vast range of DC characters, including David Crabtree and Mother. Although Jerry Van Dyke, who sadly passed away before the film’s release, was too ill to appear as himself he did record the dialogue and the onscreen David was played by a digitally enhanced Andy Serkis, who also provided Mother’s voice.  

The new series features a cast of largely unknown actors and, while the producers say they want to remain faithful to the original, will feature greater diversity and much less reliance on mother-in-law jokes. They also describe the new series as “a mashup of Herbie The Love Bug, Knight Rider, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Speed Racer, Wonderbug, The Magic School Bus, Speed Buggy, and Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman”.

Environmental concerns will be addressed too. Reichenbachs of that era operated entirely on whale oil, an issue that will be dealt with both in the series itself and through the Blitz service’s new sponsored conservation program My Mother The Narwhal.

I’ve now watched the three screener episodes Blitz provided to critics, social media influencers, members of the official My Mother The Car Fan Club, and pretty much anyone who asked and I think it’s safe to say it will be universally acclaimed as not too bad.

Adventures In Busing., Hail & Farewell., Not Non-Fiction, The Weekly Essay

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