Not Non-Fiction

Stories.

Round And Round.

Author: August 19, 2023 8 Comments

The writing group I’m part of decided it would be fun to try a round-robin writing exercise with everyone who wanted to join adding part of a story. And that got me wondering why it’s called a “round-robin” so I went to the Oxford English Dictionary and found that a round robin is, among other things, a small pancake, a sunfish, a hedge plant, a protective plate for a carriage axle, and, most interestingly, a letter signed by several people with all the signatures arranged in a circle so the recipient wouldn’t know who signed first. This was mainly used by sailors when presenting grievances to their captain, specifically something like, “If you don’t give us shore leave we’re all going to jump ship.” I’m not sure why who signed first mattered but maybe it was their way of showing there was no peer pressure.

Anyway it eventually got around to meaning “A group activity consisting of successive participation from each member of the group” which is what the writing group is doing. The group doesn’t really have a leader but it does have two co-organizers, and they’re generally okay with giving us shore leave whenever we want.

The guy who was supposed to be in charge of the round-robin exercise had to drop out, though, because he’s really busy and he asked if I’d take over. I said sure. I was already planning to join in, although I’d missed the initial discussion meeting, and I didn’t think there’d be that much difference between taking part and starting it off. Except starting it was a bit of a challenge. I had to come up with an interesting opening, a perfect setup that would draw everyone else in while also giving them plenty to work with. I’ve never been part of something like this and the only example I could think of was Naked Came The Stranger which, for obvious reasons, didn’t sound like the best model, although Naked Came The Manatee is a little better. And as a collective project I wanted it to be fun for everyone.

It also got me thinking about how all stories are, in some sense, collective. We all draw inspiration from what we’ve read, what we’ve experienced, and we build stories around a shared language. That led to an epiphany: the closed circle of suspects subgenre of mystery. Think Clue, the movie, not the game, or Knives Out or, for more literary examples, Murder On The Orient Express.

It seemed like the perfect setup. It wouldn’t have to involve murder but I thought trapped people having to work together or turn on each other would, metaphorically and practically, be a great way to keep it interesting and keep it from getting too far out of hand. I wrote about five hundred words about a woman driving to a large, isolated house in a rainstorm. Just after her car passes over the bridge she sees it washed away in her rearview mirror. When she reaches the house and goes in she finds her brother and several strangers all gathered for the reading of her eccentric mother’s will. She tells everyone that the bridge has washed away and a voice from the darkness says, “Oh, we’ve got bigger problems than that!”

I sent it off to the group organizers and got a reply back that, since I’d missed the initial meeting, I missed that they already had a plan drawn up and I’d just be stepping in to lead what they’d started.

Fine. Okay then. Hey, this is a collective project and I’m willing to go with the group.

But they’d better not ask for shore leave.  

American Graffiti., Not Non-Fiction

The Storyteller.

Author: July 14, 2023 5 Comments

When I heard that the novelist Milan Kundera had died the first thing I thought of was the time I met his wife. It was partly a chance encounter. I was in Paris and I’d gotten his home address from a writers’ directory. After a lot of wandering and checking the map—his street was short and narrow, almost an alley—I found his apartment building. There was an intercom next to the door and someone had just pressed the buzzer and gone in so I could see a courtyard, but I stood there, realizing I didn’t have any plan beyond just finding his home. After a few minutes a dark-haired woman came out and I said, “Pardon, je ne parle Francais. Parlez vous Anglais?” And she said, “Yes, I do.” We both laughed and I said, “I’m looking for Mr. Kundera. I’m a great fan of his work and I was hoping to meet him.” She softened a bit and said, “I’m so sorry. He’s out of the country right now. I’d invite you in but I have to go as well. Do you have a note or something I could give him?” She probably saw I was holding a copy of his novel Life Is Elsewhere, fitting, since he was elsewhere. I didn’t have anything but I said, “Could you please just tell him a young poet came to pay his respects?”

I realize now that she might have been politely saying, “My husband doesn’t get a lot of stalkers but I’m seriously thinking about calling the police.” But I still took the hint and, after saying it was nice to have met her, I went to explore the rest of Paris as it should be explored: without any plan.

At home I wrote him a letter saying I was that young poet and I was sorry to have missed him. I don’t think I apologized for showing up unannounced at his home, but I did say I’d read all his novels except his latest one, Immortality. About a month later I got a package from him: a copy of Immortality, inscribed to me with a message and a weird picture of a hand. Why a hand? In my edition of Life Is Elsewhere, translated from Czech, there was a forward by Kundera about how the translator had gone back and redone his original translation, making it better. Kundera said he was grateful and added, “I offer him my hand as a friend.” It was his own personal signature and he was offering me his hand as well. At least that’s how I interpret it.

Of course I sat down and read Immortality immediately, enjoying all its rambling strangeness. There’s a character in it named Mr. Kundera and he talks about how he’s writing a novel. Someone asks him what the title of his novel will be and he says, “The Unbearable Lightness of Being.” When the other person says, “I think someone’s already written that,” Mr. Kundera replies “I did! But it should be the title of the novel I’m writing now.”

I’d always approached Kundera as A Very Serious Writer, a preeminent example of postmodern fiction, who wove deep philosophy—Neitzsche, Heidegger, Sartre—into his work. But I’d never thought of him as funny until then. I went back and reread all his other books. I’d always understood that, as a postmodern author, he played with fiction and the power of stories to make anything happen. Stories can shape history, or even invent things that never happened, and everyone is a character. Parts of Immortality imagine what Goethe is up to in Heaven. I realized what I’d been missing when I reread The Book Of Laughter And Forgetting which includes a story about his own life when he was labelled a dissident in Soviet-controlled Czechoslovakia. He had a set of astrology books that he kept on his desk where friends could see them and he even told them he’d been an assistant to a French astrologer—which wasn’t true. As a dissident he couldn’t get work as a writer but based on his “experience” an editor gave him a job writing an astrology column under a pseudonym. Then a high-ranking government official contacted the editor, discreetly, and asked if the astrologer could—just for fun, you understand, because it wasn’t something any rational person took seriously, you know—do some horoscopes for him. Kundera said he wondered how many government decisions his “horoscopes” influenced.

It’s a funny story but the first time around I was too busy trying to understand the meaning in the context of people who fly when they dance in a circle. What I realized the second time around—weight replaced by lightness–was that there was a deep vein of humor running through all his work. Hey, his first novel is called The Joke and while it’s not exactly funny he did understand the power—and danger—of satire. Life Is Elsewhere is a tragicomedy that pokes fun at the pretentiousness and naivete of young poets and as I write that now my twenty-year old self feels attacked. But also amused.

Back at college I was taking an Eighteenth Century Literature class and one day, sitting in the student lounge, one of my classmates and I got into a discussion of how much the novels of Henry Fielding, Swift, even Samuel Johnson, and especially Laurence Sterne, resembled postmodern novels, with rambling, sometimes bizarre plots, and asides where the authors directly address the reader.

“The difference,” my classmate said, “is postmodern novels just aren’t funny!”

I proceeded to open up a whole can of Kundera right there. Humor is subjective thing, but I pointed out several scenes from his books I thought were pretty funny, ending with the short story “Symposium” and a young doctor who sneaks out to the garden at night. He hears someone he thinks is a woman he thinks is in love with him. When he says, “I knew you’d come,” he’s greeted by the voice of an older male doctor who replies, “Yes, I prefer peeing outside.”

The classmate faded away into the wallpaper and I was sitting by myself when I heard a heavily accented voice say, “That was quite the speech.”

I looked over and immediately recognized the gray hair, the heavy brow, the strong chin from his author photos. It was Milan Kundera, sitting right across from me! He must have known I couldn’t speak Czech so he spoke French which I couldn’t speak either but understood anyway.

“You know,” he went on, “all these critics, they focus on my characters, their relationships, philosophy in my work. Sometimes I think I know how Kafka would have felt if he’d known Max Brod turned him into some kind of ascetic who suffered for his art, rather than a person who just loved telling stories.”

Completely stumped I came out with the most irrelevant question I could think of. “So what brought you here?”

“A plane. A smart young man like you should know you can’t drive to Indiana from France.”

Hail & Farewell., Not Non-Fiction, Ramble With Me., Submitted For Your Approval.

The Crown.

Author: May 5, 2023 4 Comments

March 18, 978-Well, this is really exciting. Lots of people are gathered here for the coronation of the new king. He’s only twelve years old so this might be a little scary for him but everyone’s really in a happy mood and ready for the coronation of Aethelred The Unready. We’ve been waiting for, uh, about three hours, but I’m sure he’ll be out any minute now.

December 25, 1066-Wow, is this a big day for all of us, but I guess you could say it’s an especially big day for William, who’s about to be crowned king. I know he’s chuffed, as they say around here. Lucky for him he won that battle at Hastings, am I right? It would be terrible to lose when your last name is “The Conqueror”. And, even more exciting, it’s all happening on Christmas day. Doesn’t get any better than that. Hey, they’ve brought in some of those unicorns! Tapestry makers, are you getting this?

April 9, 1413-That was quite a coronation, wasn’t it? Pretty short, too. I guess our new king Henry V isn’t one for making speeches.

July 6, 1483-It’s a somber occasion, but, sad as that business with the princes is, I think we can all look forward to our new king serving the nation well and all of us moving forward together. I’m sure he’ll have a good reign, a proper burial, and no one in the future will ever have a bad word to say about Richard III.

October 30, 1485-Now that’s what I call a coronation! That was some serious pomp and circumstance there, wasn’t it? Such a huge celebration with feasting, dancing, speeches, music. I tell you, just from that alone there’s no chance we’ll ever have another Henry as well-known or widely talked about as our new King Henry VII.

February 20, 1547-He comes to the throne in sad and difficult circumstances but I think we can all look forward to a long and happy reign under Edward VI. There’s his cousin, Lady Jane Grey, and his half-sisters, Mary and Elizabeth. I’m sure we won’t be hearing much from them with Edward taking charge. Wait, who’s that? Does the king have a twin brother? Never mind, it’s just some pauper.

November 17, 1558-Well, this is really something. Never mind that little nine-day kerfuffle we had back in July. Here’s wishing our new Queen Elizabeth the best of luck. Something tells me she won’t last long.

January 1, 1651-I don’t know about anybody else but I certainly feel restored! Charlie, Charlie, he’s our…anyway, pour me another quart of ale. I’m about to head out for the theater.

September 22, 1761-Whoo hoo, we’ve got colonies all over the place and the sun will never set on this empire, am I right, folks? Things are looking especially great on the other side of the pond—I’m sure it’s smooth sailing for all of us all under our wise and benevolent King George III. Let’s get crazy, everybody!

June 28, 1838-Now this is really something. It’s been a couple of centuries since we had a queen and now, here she is, Queen Victoria. She’s, you know, a little different. I hope she has a good reign but, you know, a lot of things are changing, with trains and other modern innovations. Who knows? I’d bet we see the end of the monarchy soon.

January 20, 1936-It’s not, strictly speaking, official yet, but I’m sure we can look forward to a long, uneventful reign under our new King Edward VIII.

June 2, 1953-I don’t know about anyone else but I’m pretty chuffed, as they say around here, to have another Queen Elizabeth on the throne. Her reign should be pretty quiet. I mean, who pays much attention to the monarchy these days?

Source: The Mighty Nerd

Not Non-Fiction, The Weekly Essay

Nothing To Sneeze At.

Author: April 21, 2023 4 Comments

In the past allergy season didn’t bother me. I feel guilty for saying that and perhaps I should clarify that I felt bad for my friends who coughed and had runny eyes and noses, even though it gave me the opportunity to call them up sometimes and ask if their nose was running so I could say “Well, you better go catch it!” and then I’d hang up as if they didn’t know it was me. And now I’m paying for that, although if there’s allergy karma it’s doing the equivalent of giving me the finger as it drives by. I wake up with a stuffed up nose and I have a few bouts of coughing through the day, all of which I’m pretty sure is because I’m allergic to something in the air right now.

Allergies are a weird thing anyway. I’m not treating them lightly because when I look at labels on various foods and see warnings about nuts, peanuts, or eggs it’s a somber reminder that for me they’re innocuous ingredients but for some people they can literally be deadly. One of my wife’s friends has trouble with food that’s been cooked near shrimp. A shot of epinephrine can prevent anaphylactic shock but imagine having to keep one handy all the time in case of accidental exposure to something most people take for granted. And all because some people have immune systems that overreact to something in the environment that should be harmless.

I’m not putting down the immune system. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s just that sometimes I think we should be able to communicate with our body, tell it to calm down when it’s fired up about something it should just let go. I have regular checkups with my doctor. Why can’t my major bodily systems arrange to have regular checkups with me?

“All right, digestive system, take a seat. First of all I want to thank you for all the wonderful work you’ve been doing. I also want to apologize. I know I should have been sending you a lot more fiber. I’m going to work on sending you a lot more bananas and cabbage, though not at the same time, and a lot less pizza and coffee. Thanks, and keep up the good work. Take some of that pink stuff on your way out, and could you send in the circulatory system next?”

It would be so easy, and I bet some of the underappreciated organs, like the pancreas, would appreciate the individual note of congratulations. Around allergy season, though, might not be the best time to meet with the immune system.

“Immy, you know you’re very special to me. You’ve always been close to my heart. And everything else, really, which is what makes you so vital. I appreciate everything you do, really. That stomach flu that moved in downstairs? I’m so glad you stepped up to take care of it. But we need to talk.”

At this point I would bring up pictures of pollen, pet dander, and, I don’t know, dust mites, maybe, and say, “These are not your enemies. Look, they’re just passing through. The respiratory system has them covered. Literally. With mucus. You don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. Capisce? Have some chicken soup on the way out.”

I know it can never be that easy. If it were a whole spectrum of immune system conditions, not to mention other systemic issues, could be wiped out, or at least dealt with a lot more easily. And I wouldn’t spend so much time trying to catch my nose.

Nature Talks., Not Non-Fiction, The Weekly Essay

Annual Report: 2022/2023

Author: April 1, 2023 8 Comments

April 2022-Things got off to a rocky start when someone said, “Hey, remember pet rocks?” This sent everyone off into a research project that uncovered, among other things, the fact that there was an official “Pet Rock” invented by an advertising executive and sold in a cardboard box with ventilation holes in 1975. Most staff old enough to remember the fad thought pet rocks were just rocks that people found and gave to each other as a joke in the mid-‘70’s. The fad was briefly revived by the film Everything Everywhere All At Once. A discussion of whether or not pet rocks should have googly eyes attached quickly degenerated into everyone sticking googly eyes on everything.

May 2022-Most of staff time was dedicated to removing googly eyes from everything following complaints that the office looked “like a Marty Feldman convention”.

June 2022-The opening of a gyro truck on a nearby corner prompted staff to debate whether there are enough gyro places around to try and find the best one in Nashville. Some staff argued in favor of pizza with others saying pizza is too quotidian, which in turn prompted responses that it was just a gratuitous excuse to say “quotidian”.

July 2022-A debate over whether the word “gratuitous” can ever be gratuitous ended with staff going out for milkshakes.

August 2022-A spider was found in the offices. It quickly captured and gently placed outside by the team leader who described himself as “an arachnophile”. This led to everyone else laughing for at entire week while the team leader kept repeating, “I just mean I really like spiders! What is wrong with all of you?”

September 2022-This seemed like a good time to take a shower.

October 2022-Staff decided to take a ghost tour of the offices which meant everyone going through file cabinets looking for the oldest things they could find. The winner was a dot matrix printout of Umberto Eco’s short essay on the difference between DOS computers and Apple’s Macintosh in which he said “I am firmly of the opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is Protestant.” The printout was then respectfully burned and staff swore they saw Joan Rivers in the smoke.

November 2022-Staff member Joe Bertman came into the office singing Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer” but he couldn’t remember the words so he just kept singing, “Whoa, we’re half way there, whoa, half way there, take my hand ‘cause we’re half way there, whoa, half way there…” over and over again. No one was able to accomplish anything for the rest of the month because we all had the song stuck in our heads.

December 2022-The holiday break was celebrated by everyone getting together because none of us could remember what we were taking a break from.

January 2023-Everyone celebrated getting back together to go back to work because no one could remember exactly what that work is.

February 2023-Staff member Joe Bertman came into the office singing Adriano Celentano’s “Prisencolinensinainciusol” and no one was able to accomplish anything for the rest of the month because we all wondered how he managed to memorize it.

March 2023-Everyone celebrated the end of another successful year. No one could remember what exactly defined “success” was but after a thorough review of the year’s notes everyone agreed it was probably quotidian and gratuitous.

American Graffiti., Happy Birthday., Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., Ramble With Me., Submitted For Your Approval., The Vault

Please Tip Your Waiter.

Author: March 10, 2023 4 Comments

The Month of March As A Restaurant Menu

Appetizers

Shrimp cocktail

Simple, classic elegance, half a dozen chilled shrimp served with cocktail sauce and lemon.

Fried green tomatoes

A historic Southern classic since 1991, cornbread fried and served with our house remoulade.

A kick in the nuts

Customers have expressed confusion about this so we want to be clear there are no nuts—no pecans, no walnuts, no hazelnuts–or nut-adjacent items like peanuts, cashews, sesame seeds, or anything else you find in fancy nut mix. This is an actual kick in the family jewels delivered by one of our chefs who, if you’re lucky, will be wearing Crocs.

Spring rolls

Rice-paper wrapped spring rolls, your choice of shrimp of vegetarian, with cucumber, bean sprouts, and cilantro. With plum sauce for dipping.

Roast chicken

An entire chicken stuffed with mushrooms, croutons, capers, and gorgonzola with a wine-reduction sauce. For some people this is an appetizer. Don’t judge.

Salads

House salad

Iceberg lettuce with cucumber, radishes, chopped tomato, and our house vinaigrette.

Big bowl of broken glass

Served with our house dressing which in this case is literally pieces of the building we knocked off with a hammer and threw in there.

Entrees

Prime rib

Either eight or twelve ounces, grilled to your specifications, served with two sides and you may or may not be stabbed in the hand by your waiter.

Linguini with clams in either red or white—oh, wait, we just became one of those sushi places where the sushi goes by on a little conveyor belt. We hope you enjoy our new direction.

Burgers and Sandwiches because we’ve turned back into the place we were when you came in.

House burger

Your choice of ground beef, turkey, or black bean. Served with fries and your server will scream non-stop for five minutes.

Box of crayons between two slices of bread

The crayons are all orange so if you want the chef will melt them and you can pretend it’s the world’s worst grilled cheese.

Desserts

Brick

We stole a bunch of these from a construction site. Served on an elegant dish.

Chocolate cake

Our own special recipe made with swirled dark and white chocolate, available with or without macadamia nuts, raspberry sauce, and whipped cream.

Raw oysters

The chef may stick a few of these in the chocolate cake if you’re wondering why it’s in the desserts.

Beverages

We have a wide variety of craft beers on tap, bottled, and in cans, as well as a range of specialty cocktails.

Iced tea is available sweet or unsweet.

Still and sparkling water is available, as are soft drinks.

Someone dressed as the Kool-Aid Man may pour a pitcher of Mountain Dew Code Red over you as he runs through the restaurant singing Roger Miller’s “You Can’t Rollerskate In A Buffalo Herd”.

Thank you for visiting the month of March—where anything can happen!

Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., The Weekly Essay

Twenty-One Attempts To Get The Windshield Replaced.

Author: February 17, 2023 6 Comments

The van’s windshield had a crack in it. We called HourGlass Repair & Replace. This is the chronicle of what followed.

Appointment 1-The technician texted to say that according to his GPS he’d be arriving between 8:30AM and 9:30AM. At 9:43AM he pulled into our driveway and started getting ready. A light rain started. Because we don’t have a garage or covered driveway he said he’d have to come back when it was dry and would reschedule us for the next day.

Appointment 2-Three days later we had to call and make another appointment. Two technicians showed up unannounced at 10:10AM. After complaining for fifteen minutes about the cold they started preparing the windshield for replacement, removing side pieces. Then they decided it was too wet and cold to continue and left. They made a note to reschedule out appointment.

Appointment 3-Cancelled because of heavy rain. We had to call and reschedule.

Appointment 4-The technician arrived a day early when we weren’t home. No apparent repair work was done but he left a Vespa parked in the driveway next to the van.

Appointment 5-The technician, scheduled to arrive between noon and 3:00PM, arrived some time between midnight and 3:00AM. We awoke to find that he had removed the cracked windshield then reinstalled it backwards and left a note that said, “They don’t make Edsels like they used to.”

Appointment 6-Cancelled because of heavy rain. We had to call and reschedule.

Appointment 7-Cancelled due to unforeseen delays with other jobs. While taking the Vespa out for a spin I was pursued by a van belonging to a rival auto-glass company. I was unable to see the driver but could hear him demanding that I stop and give him kidney beans.

Appointment 8-The technician arrived at 10:05AM in an HourGlass Repair & Replace truck blaring “Bad Moon Rising”. After preliminary prep on the van windshield he discovered the replacement windshield was for a 1991 Yugo and wouldn’t fit any existing vehicle, including a 1991 Yugo. The appointment was rescheduled.

Appointment 9-The technician arrived at 1:05PM and took the Vespa.

Appointment 10-The technician texted us that he had to cancel our appointment because a manure spreader jack-knifed on the Santa Ana. We had to call and reschedule.

Appointment 11-The technician texted to say “time is a fluid and very relative concept”. At 2:35PM a rainbow-colored van turned into our driveway. The technician, with a bushy white beard and a t-shirt that said, “If You Remember The 60’s You Weren’t There” sat in front of the van contemplating the crack for several hours. After leaving he texted us to say he was unable to finish because “the banana peels were kicking in”.

Appointment 12-Cancelled for unknown reasons. Automatically rescheduled.

Appointment 13-The technician arrived around 8:00AM and was done by 8:30AM. Everything seemed to be fine until we discovered he’d removed the engine and replaced it with a cake decorated with “Happy Retirement, Carl!”

Appointment 14-Twelve technicians arrived at 2:30PM. Carl’s retirement party was a great success.

Appointment 15-Cancelled because of leftover cake.

Appointment 16-Some time during the night the Vespa was returned.

Appointment 17-The technician arrived at 10:15AM, removed the cracked windshield, and installed a new one backwards. He left without notifying us. We scheduled a new appointment.

Appointment 18-The technician arrived at 9:25AM in a Citroen BX. He wore a trench coat, a plaid trilby, and dark glasses. After telling me several times, “The pearl is in the river,” we both concluded he was in fact a character from a 1982 made-for-TV spy thriller in which downtown Poughkeepsie is used as a stand-in for Bucharest.

Appointment 19-The technician arrived at 1:30PM and removed the backwards windshield but replaced it with the one with the crack in it.

Appointment 20-The technician arrived at 10:05AM in an HourGlass Repair & Replace truck, loaded the Vespa, and departed, blaring Credence Clearwater Revival’s “Midnight Special”.

Appointment 21-The technician texted us to say that according to his GPS he’d arrive sometime between 8:30AM and 9:00AM. He arrived at 8:50AM. Replacement of the windshield took about an hour with a recommended wait time of four hours to allow the glue to dry. After he left we found a note taped to the inside that said, “Call any time you need us again.—Carl.”

Adventures In Busing., Not Non-Fiction, The Weekly Essay

Fantasy Football, Superbowl LVII Edition.

Author: February 12, 2023 6 Comments

Team 1:

Quarterbacks

Patrick Mahomes

Jalen Hurts

Shane Buechele

Running Backs

Jerick McKinnon

Boston Scott

Isiah Pacheco

Trey Sermon

Wide Receivers

A.J. Brown

Marquez Valdes-Scantling

Quez Watkins

Skyy Moore

Britain Covey

Tight Ends

Travis Kelce

Grant Calcaterra

Jody Fortson

Offensive Line

Jason Kelce

Nick Allegretti

Landon Dickerson

Lucas Niang

Andre Dillard

Joe Thuney

Jordan Mailata

Darian Kinnard

Prince Tega Wanogho

Defensive Line

Frank Clark

Robert Quinn

Carlos Dunlap

Fletcher Cox

Joshua Kaindoh

Javon Hargrave

Chris Jones

Ndamukong Suh

Khalen Saunders

Milton Williams

Linebackers

Nick Bolton

Nakobe Dean

Jack Cochrane

Christian Elliss

Darius Harris

Haason Reddick

Kyzir White

Defensive Backs

Trent McDuffie

 L’Jarius Sneed

Avonte Maddox

Deon Bush

Josiah Scott

Marcus Epps

Nazeeh Johnson

K’Von Wallace

Juan Thornhill 

Team 2

Quarterbacks

Jareth

Baron Munchausen

Xena, Warrior Princes

Running Backs

Dejah Thoris

The Red Queen

Eeyore

Schmendrick The Magician

Sheela Of The Eyeless Face

Wide Receivers

Yog Sothoth

Hellboy

Mongo

Sir Gawain

Aquaman

Tight Ends

Thorin Oakenshield

Damaya/Syenite/Essun

King Meshugah

Floyd Lawson

Offensive Line

Lessa/Ramoth

Falkor

Sandman

Gandalf

Mary Poppins

Daenerys Targaryen

Buffy Anne Summers

Rocket Raccoon

Inigo Montoya

Defensive Line

 

The Kraken

Cthulu

Princess Leia

Mr. Tyco Bass

Sephiroth

Spock

Darth Vader

Godzilla

Optimus Prime

Splinter

Linebackers

Groot

Hodor

Fezzik

Aslan

Jamie Fazier

Conan

Defensive Backs

Dorothy Gale

The Doctor

Asterix

Willy Wonka

Roland Deschain

Fozzie Bear

Morpheus

Ellen Ripley

Rudy Ruettiger

Source: Wondermark

 

Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., Submitted For Your Approval., The Vault

Somehow It Didn’t Work Out This Way.

Author: February 3, 2023 5 Comments

A typical day of my adult life, as imagined by me as a kid, watching television, circa 1979:

I stumble out of bed and wander aimlessly with my eyes closed. Because I’m not fully conscious I step out of the window and wander onto a construction site where a series of well-timed girders lifted by cranes carry me up at least a dozen floors of an unfinished skyscraper. I make my way along more girders, blissfully unaware that I’m over a hundred feet off the ground and step into a large steel pipe just as it passes by. The pipe is lowered to the ground just in time for me to step out of it. I walk back into my apartment into the bathroom where I manage to shower, shave, and get fully dressed, somehow without ever taking off my full-length pajamas.

My roommates and I who, in spite of all having full-time jobs, are always in the apartment together, discover we don’t have the month’s rent which is due today. Or we had it and misplaced it under the couch cushions, or accidentally handed it over to the neighbor with his morning newspaper and now he’s on a trip to Paris and we have no way to get into his apartment to get the envelope with the rent in it.

I set off to take a part-time job, in spite of having a full-time job, that’s guaranteed to pay me just enough money for the rent. Rent, in fact, is our only expense; food and a constantly shifting wardrobe just somehow take care of themselves.

Getting to the job involves a car chase. I’m not sure exactly why it involves a car chase but I’ll be driving a Cadillac Fleetwood nine-passenger sedan–green, of course–at high speed around corners and over hills, flying into the air, possibly while chased by police, or just by another person who will be conveniently stopped by a passing train.

Inevitably two guys will be carrying a large pane of glass across the street just in time for me to drive through and break it into a million pieces. I feel bad about this, but, making it even worse, they’ll be carrying a replacement pane of glass just in time for the other person or the cops to drive through.

The job will take me to the jungle which is not only in another country but another continent but it only takes me a few minutes to get there. While traveling through the jungle I will, of course, encounter quicksand which, in spite of looking like nothing more than extremely watery oatmeal, has the astounding power to pull me under. Slowly.

Using a convenient branch or rope I’ll pull myself free from the quicksand, and within a minute I’ll be completely clean and dry. This is fortunate because next I’ll have to worry about the erupting volcano. I’ll be able to outrun the lava and make an escape over a rickety rope and wood bridge.

Once safely over the bridge I’ll pause to watch the bridge collapse and everything on the other side be swallowed up by the destruction.

At some point in this process I will acquire the rent money and will get home just in time to hand it over to the landlord who will laugh and remind me that we gave him the rent money yesterday, and the whole thing was one big misunderstanding.

Miraculously all this will take place in less than thirty minutes.

Not Non-Fiction, The Weekly Essay

Television Listings, Christmas 2022

Author: December 23, 2022 6 Comments

TBS: 24 hours of A Christmas Story

USA Network: 24 hours of It’s A Wonderful Life

BBC: 24 hours of Love, Actually

TNT: 24 hours of Elf

Cartoon Network: 24 hours of Dr. Seuss’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Disney: 24 hours of some Mickey Mouse things, teen superhero sitcoms, and filler because everyone’s just using our streaming service to watch A Muppet Christmas Carol or YouTube to laugh at the Star Wars Christmas special

SyFy: 24 hours of low budget Krampus movies and maybe you should block us if you have small children because we’ll also run that Futurama episode with the murderous robot Santa Claus

TVLand: 24 hours of M*A*S*H Christmas episodes and that one Andy Griffith Christmas episode and, I don’t know, was there a Green Acres Christmas episode? Let’s find out.

Game Show Network: 24 hours of game show hosts in ugly sweaters

Hallmark: Twelve movies about a young woman who steps away from her high-powered job in [major American city] after a bad breakup to return to her home town for the first time in ten years to find the guy she had a crush on in high school is helping save the local [Christmas tree farm/candy cane factory/handmade ornament shop/egg nog distillery] from being closed.

Norwegian TV: 24 hours of a fire burning under the Aurora Borealis.

Not Non-Fiction, Quick Takes., The Weekly Essay

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