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Hello! Thank you for calling Plank Pizza. Please hold. One of our cheesy representatives will be with you in just a moment.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

Thank you for continuing to hold. Plank Pizzas come in your choice of thin, regular, deep dish, and casserole crusts, and in size ranging from our one-person piece to the Plank Party special. It’s your choice. One of our cheesy representatives will be with you in just a moment.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

Thank you for continuing to hold. Plank Pizza crusts also come in your choice of flavors: white, sourdough, marbled rye, parmesan, romano, olive oil, pretzel, graham, sriracha, cheddar, bleu, cornmeal, peach, and gluten-free. One of our cheesy representatives will be with you in just a moment.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

Thank you for continuing to hold. We know you value quality and that’s why our dough, cheese, sauce, and all toppings are prepared and packaged fresh. That way you can enjoy quality Plank Pizza no matter where you are. One of our cheesy representatives will be with you in just a moment.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

Thank you for continuing to hold. Thirty-four years ago Kevin Plank sold everything he owned to offer the best pizza at the best price. Then, three months later, facing bankruptcy and complete ruin, he sold his soul. One of our cheesy representatives will be with you in just a moment.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

Thank you for continuing to hold. Kevin Plank had just one wish: to make the best pizza in the world, and also wealth beyond the dreams of avarice. With a lot of hard work and a little black magic he made that wish come true.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

Thank you for continuing to hold. That’s right. In a bizarre midnight ceremony involving the sacrifice of a goat with a pizza slicer by the light of a burning can of sardines Kevin Plank summoned Asmodeus, archduke of the ninth circle of Hell and, we’re told, a real pizza lover. One of our cheesy representatives will be with you in just a moment.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

Thank you for continuing to hold. At the time eternal damnation seemed worth it, and if you’ve already tried a Plank Pizza we think you’ll agree. That’s why we’re the most successful pizza franchise in the world with locations on all seven continents, including Antarctica. One of our cheesy representatives will be with you in just a moment.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

Thank you for continuing to hold. Kevin Plank, as you may know, wasn’t content with delivering a pizza that even the world’s top food critics describe as tasty as sin. He’s also one of the most generous business owners in the world, a major contributor to global charities. What you may not know is he also employs a full-time staff of priests, ministers, rabbis, imams, Hindus, Buddhists, and even a small number of modern day Druids in a desperate attempt to save himself from an eternity of pain and torment in the bowels of a pit that far exceed the wildest imaginings of Dante. One of our cheesy representatives will be with you in just a moment.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

Thank you for continuing to hold. It was Kevin Plank’s army of lawyers, though, who finally found a loophole in the contract written and signed in blood and currently locked in a vault in the safe room of his San Francisco mansion. And you can be part of it! Yes, you can be the secret ingredient. One of our cheesy representatives will be with you in just a moment.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

Thank you for continuing to hold. The only way Kevin Plank can save himself from an eternity of unspeakable horrors is if his pizza draws in a large enough number of innocent souls. Then, and only then, can he escape. So be sure to ask about our special, and how every pizza you eat—

[CLICK]

Thank you for calling Plank Pizza. May I take your order?

8 Comments

  1. Jay

    Wow, all this holding has made me hungry.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I recommend one of the calzones.

      Reply
  2. Ann Koplow

    Very cheesy and tasty, Chris.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I always enjoy your cheesy comments.

      Reply
  3. Margot

    Fantastic! I wonder how your mind comes up with this stuff.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Having seen the inside of my mind I think you’re happier not knowing.

      Reply
  4. Mila

    Ahahah, brilliant.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I always appreciate your frivolousness and I’m glad I could bring a little of my own into your life.

      Reply

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