What Would George Orwell Think?

May 21, 1999

There’s an apocryphal story about a farmer who lived in California during the Gold Rush years. The farmer happened to hear that a circus was coming to the nearest town and bringing an elephant. Having never seen an elephant, he loaded up his wagon with vegetables to sell and headed off toward town. On the way, his wagon fell into a ditch and he lost all the vegetables he was planning to sell. While trying to get his wagon out of the ditch, the circus caravan with the elephant went by. When asked by friends why he wasn’t upset about losing the money he would have made, he said, "Hang all that, I saw the elephant!" I envy that man for living in such simple times. If he lived today, he would probably have to abandon his crops and let them rot in the fields while he waited hours, maybe even days in line to see the elephant. Worse, he’d have to wait with people dressed like elephants who would entertain each other by quizzing each other with obscure pachydermal facts, and who would occasionally pester him with lengthy explanations of inconsistencies in the movie "Dumbo". Of course, we do have modern-day elephants, and I certainly would like to see the elephant that’s in town right now, a relative of an elephant I saw as a child, but it’s going to be in town for at least the next six months. Sooner or later I’ll be able to get a ticket and step right in without having to stand around so long I start to smell like an elephant. In the meantime, I’ve got crops to take care of.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if…

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y’all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. ("Like possum…which tastes a lot like chicken.")

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear, "Luke, I am your father…and your uncle…"

Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts arenot appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

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