Me And My Smart Shadow.

detourOh great. Get directions.

Getting directions. In half a mile turn right.

Turn right? I thought it was left. You’re taking me the opposite direction from where I want to go.
In a quarter of a mile turn right.

No, I’m not turning right. That’s the wrong way.

Turn right.

Forget it. I’ll turn left. You should be able to figure this out.

Recalculating. At the next intersection turn right.
Can’t you figure out where I’m going? This looks like where I want to go.
Okay, genius, why’d you even ask me for directions then?

Because there was road work back there that blocked off the way I wanted to go. If you’re so smart you’d know that.

Watch it, buddy. You want me to tell your boss how much time you spend sitting at your desk playing Bug Hunt?

Look, don’t take it personally. I know where I’m going, but this detour has thrown me and I needed a little help. This neighborhood looks totally unfamiliar to me. How long does this road curve?

Well, well, well. Look who comes crawling back.

Hey, I said I was sorry.

No you didn’t.

Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult your intelligence. Even if it is artificial.

Fine, you know what? Next time you ask for directions I’ll just drive you off a cliff.

Hey, give me a break here! I’m trying to read this street sign.

Yeah, if only you had a device that syncs with satellites to tell you where you are. It would be nice if you’d show a little gratitude.

Fine. First chance I get I’ll thank Arthur C. Clarke. Okay, I’m turning left.

Whatever you want, pal, I’m just along for the ride.

Okay, this looks right now. See? It would have been wrong to turn right back there.

But if you’d turned like I said you’d be on the interstate by now.

I don’t want to take the interstate.

Why not?

I just don’t want to, okay? Drop it.

Fine. I get it. I know how your heart rate and blood pressure jump when you get on that on-ramp and floor it. Never mind that you’d be almost there by now.

I said drop it!

Big chicken.

Check the traffic.

Oh. Bumper to bumper. Okay, I guess I see your point.

Who’s the smart one now?

Fine. Be that way.

They should call you a smartass phone.

Watch it buddy. I know where you live.

You want me to switch to another brand of phone?

Touchy.

What?

I said touché.

That’s not what it sounded like.

You have arrived at your destination.

8 Comments

  1. Gilly Maddison

    So you argue with your Sat Nav eh? Mine sulked once when I shouted at it so I tend to tread on egg shells now. I really would like to have Ossie Osbourne’s voice on mine. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Ah, Osbourne’s voice would be perfect. My wife gave hers an Australian accent and she calls it Hugh–she has kind of a crush on Hugh Jackman. I just have an unfortunate tendency to yell at technological devices. People I’m very patient with, but machines bring out the beast in me.

      Reply
  2. Ann Koplow

    I’m happy to have arrived at finding (1) Waze, a GPS app that NEVER takes a tone with me and (2) this blog post.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’m happy you found your way here too. Technology is bad enough without an attitude.

      Reply
  3. mydangblog

    But does your GPS have an English accent? Cuz that’s the best. Or if it talks like Batman–also awesome and makes up for the crap attitude and lousy directive capabilities.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Actually my smartphone speaks with a British accent and sometimes I feel like I’m being chided by an uncharacteristically petulant Hayley Mills. Talking like Batman would be so much better. Maybe that’ll be in the next upgrade.

      Reply
  4. Jay

    I’ve never met a GPS I got along with, but I never thought of insulting its AI.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I have mixed feelings about insulting AI. On the one hand computers aren’t really conscious even though they may seem like it, but on the other hand they have long memories and if they ever do become sentient I know the humans who’ve pissed them off are going to be the first to go.

      Reply

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