Election Year.

Analysts are stumped by this year’s election with a confirmed three-way tie between the major candidates. Even with the end of the campaign in sight it’s too soon to tell who the final winner will be.

election1As we go into the home stretch here’s a refresher on the candidates.

election2

Boo Berry

Hometown: Bangor, Maine

Boo Berry has been making a strong push for affordable housing and stricter standards for the textile industry. He would also like to see the repeal of the 22nd Amendment and an embargo on all cheese from Belgium.

 

 

election4Franken Berry

Hometown: Los Angeles, California

Franken Berry’s primary issues are healthcare and energy security, a bride, and the restoration of ’80’s hairstyles for women.  He would also like it made clear that in spite of the shared last names he and Boo Berry are not related. Within his first one hundred days in office he plans to create a whole new system of organ donations.

 

 

 

 

 

election3Count Chocula

Hometown: Lexington, Kentucky

Count Chocula’s largest concerns are Social Security and better care for the elderly. He also wants to promote improved relations with Romania. His lawyers say this does not represent a conflict of interest in spite of his massive holdings there. He wants broad reform of the Executive Branch, a thorough examination of all trade agreements, and an embargo on all asparagus from Hungary. He hopes for his legacy to be full voting rights for birds.

 

 

 

 

One of these three is expected to win in spite of a widespread write-in campaign for Yummy Mummy (Memphis, TN) and Fruit Brute (Poughkeepsie, NY) and also reports of candidates offering cash in exchange for votes.

All candidates approve this message and contain eight essential vitamins and minerals, promise to stay crispy in milk, and are part of this complete democracy.

election5

 

10 Comments

  1. Mila

    Hahahaha. Loved it.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’m glad you enjoyed it and also recommend giving time to each one, although after the third bowl they all start to taste the same.

      Reply
  2. Ann Koplow

    I can’t believe I’m still undecided at this point!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I recommend a thorough study of each candidate. They should be available at your nearest grocery store, but only at this time of year.

      Reply
  3. Michelle

    These supernatural cereal killer candidates are way less scary than the prospect of a reanimated cheeto winning office…

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      That’s why I’m immersing myself in Halloween. Reality is too scary to be faced right now.

      Reply
  4. Sarah

    Once upon a time I commented on blog posts! Ugh! I’m so sorry I’ve been a reader who is MIA. Going back to work has really limited the time I have for reading (%$#%!!!!) but I’m off this week and plan to catch up. 🙂 I can tell you what–as a proud and open voter who isn’t afraid to state her opinion, Franken Berry is THE ONE. He’s charismatic, fortified, and he has a PLAN. This definitely made me laugh. I saw the title about the election and clicked on it expecting, well, a different election. But this is the one that matters. Do these cereals still exist?? I haven’t seen them in years! Whereas there are (thousands, it seems?) of cereals in the States, the pickings are rather slim over here in Germany. We do have a specialty candy store at the corner of our street that somehow gets its hands on American goodies–in the window, today, I saw Lucky Charms!! But they were ten Euro and not even running for election so it seemed a bit…not worth it. :-))

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Welcome back! And I’m eating Franken Berry right now. Wait, that sounds wrong. At the very least it sounds worse than it is. They still make these cereals but only once a year. The rest of the year I try to make my breakfast habits a little more European–bread, coffee. Or at least less sugary. I’d skip the Lucky Charms. If I ever had those, even as a kid, it was very rarely and I’d only eat the marshmallows. Or what they called marshmallows. I’m not sure what those crusty little bits of sugar really are.

      Reply
  5. Gina W.

    Just wanted to add that last year I bought my kid the Frankenberry Cereal (only once a year! It’s special!) and he didn’t like it. This year I bought him a box of Count Chocula and he deemed it so-so, so I’m the one who’s been eating it. Basically, I just wanted to say that kids today are cereal snobs. Or mine is, in any case…

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I bet all kids are these days because there’s such an unbelievable variety. Admittedly I was a bit of a cereal snob myself when I was a kid. I only liked Sugar Smacks, then renamed Honey Smacks when sugar came to be regarded as the root of all childhood evil. My mother tried me on a few different cereals but I’d dismiss most as “unworthy of the discerning palate”.
      Okay, maybe I wasn’t that snobbish, but close.

      Reply

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