August 21, 1998
I’d just like to take this opportunity to thank the people who don’t receive the direct weekly mailings, but who drop in to read the page and occasionally make comments. All three of you have really made me feel that taking ten minutes out of my week is worth it. Thanks especially to the guy who said, "Man, that was hilarious! That thing after the ‘Forwarded Message Follows’ was just great! Oh yeah, about that crap at the beginning–something about your uncle or telephones or something. What’s up with that?" Those sort of sparkling comments really help to brighten up already bright days. I would, however, really like to thank the reader out there who gave me some real information about the candiru, the Amazonian fish that…well, you know. It seems that the fish really does exist, and, although I overlooked this at the time, the warning is against urinating in the Amazon WHILE SWIMMING. I was confused because, around several rivers, including the Amazon, there are local legends about fish that can swim up a trail of urine while a man is standing on the bank of the river demonstrating his abilities as a fireman. As you can imagine, these stories are always told by people who live downstream. For more information about the candiru, as well as a bibliography, see the following:
http://www.urbanlegends.com/animals/candiru_urethra.html
And enjoy this week’s offerings. Man, are they hilarious!
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be in upper management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."
Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…
Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…
Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…
Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…
Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…
Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…
Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…
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