Your COVID-19 Return To Work Horoscope.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

It’s going to be okay. Really. Just relax, take deep breaths, and remember that while things are on the path to being normal they haven’t quite gotten there yet. Now would be a good time to find your keys that you haven’t used since last July when you went out at three in the morning for a pint of ice cream.

 

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

You’re really not looking forward to going back because you feel like everyone blames you. It was around your birthday, after all, that everything had to be shut down. You’re going to spend about a month working under your desk.

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re used to having to readjust, and that’s all this is. It’s a readjustment. It’s just like when you found the perfect spot for your home office until you realized the morning sun shone directly through that window in late spring so you had to move next to the washing machine which, thanks kids, now runs sixteen hours a day.

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

That banana you left in your desk? Still there. Sure, you’ve tried to sneak in several times to retrieve it but were stopped by security every time, except that time you just forgot your access card. Lucky for you the banana was in the perfect spot over the air vent and you now have what’s basically a solid black boomerang that smells vaguely like a banana.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re going to be in the office but not really in the office, if you know what I mean. And you probably don’t. It’s okay. I don’t either. But, really, are any of us, like, really here?

 

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

How much are you looking forward to going back? Oh wow, you’re looking forward to going back so much. You’ve plotted out the path you’re going to make around the office telling everyone how great it is to be back. Is anyone really looking forward to you being back? You won’t give them a chance to say.

 

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Oh great, Kevin’s coming over to tell you how happy he is to be back in the office. You’ve spent more than a year thinking the office might actually be safer than anywhere else because Kevin sucks all the oxygen out of it. Now would be a good time for a bathroom break. At home.

 

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Pre-heat oven to 300 degrees. Peel back corner of foil to expose the tater tots. Place tray on a baking sheet and place on center rack in the oven. After twenty minutes turn counter-clockwise ninety degrees. Leave in oven an additional twenty minutes.

 

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Oh, you’re ready to come back. You’ve been ready. And when you do you’ll show them. You’ll show all of them. You’ve been working on this for months. You didn’t want anyone to see it so you’ve put it all on paper, and it’s—oh, wait, you just spilled coffee on it.

 

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

HAHAHAHAHA. You’ve been more productive over the last year than you have over the previous three years combined. Go back? Fuhgeddaboutit. If anybody needs to reach you they can schedule a call.

 

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Wir können gehen, wann wir wollen

Die Nacht ist jung und ich auch

Und wir können uns richtig ordentlich anziehen

Von unseren Hüten bis zu unseren Füßen

Und überraschen Sie sie mit dem Siegesschrei.

 

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

What’s all this about people coming back? You thought it’s been unusually quiet in the office for, well, more than a year now, but aside from the whole place smelling like banana for about a month nothing unusual has happened. Oh, hey, sounds like the guy’s finally restocking the vending machine. It’s about damn time. Even the jerky was starting to look a little weird.