Author Archive: Christopher Waldrop

Don’t Talk To The Driver.

I have no idea who's responsible for this, but I love it.

I have no idea who’s responsible for this, but I love it.

“You were supposed to turn back there.”

“No sir, you’re thinking of the number thirteen route.”

I was standing quietly at the front of the bus waiting to swipe my fare card, but I couldn’t because a guy had come up to the front and was arguing with the driver. It wouldn’t have bothered me but the light had turned green and cars were now speeding around us.

“Well what am I supposed to do?”

“You can get off here and you can walk two blocks over that way and catch the thirteen.”

“But I paid. Can you give me a transfer card?”

“No sir, we don’t have those anymore.”

When I started riding the bus you could pay your fare and get a transfer to ride another bus for an extra ten cents, but they stopped offering those fifteen years ago. Where had this guy been?

“If you go catch another bus and tell the driver you got the wrong bus they might let you on without paying.”

“Maybe I should give ’em your name. What’s your name?”

“Just say you were on bus number 701.”

The guy wasn’t happy about this. He was pretty insistent he wanted the driver’s name, but he finally got off the bus so we could get underway.

It’s one thing to be held up in traffic because there’s just a lot of traffic. It’s another to be held up because some jackass doesn’t know what he’s doing.

fireman

Next: Advanced Acting English.

Source: Goodreads

Happy birthday to Shappi Khorsandi, British stand-up comedian and author of A Beginner’s Guide To Acting English. In at least one interview she’s said her original title was White People Smell Of Milk, which I think is brilliant. I wish the publishers had let her go ahead with that title, but maybe the final version works a little better.

 

 

What Do You Want?

wallorchidWhat’s the difference between graffiti and a wall mural? One’s wanted, the other isn’t. Yes, graffiti is wanted by the artist, but a wall mural is wanted by someone else. I wonder, though, how often someone commissions a mural or other work of art and then thinks, “Well, that’s not exactly what I had in mind” when they get it. That’s one advantage of graffiti: the artists never have to worry about letting anyone down but themselves.

 

 

Here are a few other works I’m pretty sure were commissioned or requested. I hope the artist didn’t let anyone down.

006 (more…)

Widow’s Walk.

seahorse2As soon as they drove up to the house next door I knew they were poachers. When you’re staying in a beach house you almost always see someone pull their car into the driveway of another house but never go inside. They’re not renters—they’ve just opted not to pay the three dollars to use the public beach. They’re easy to spot because they have little or no luggage and are usually driving a small car. And I have no problem with it. There’s a lot of beach, and as long as they’re not damaging property or bothering me it’s not my concern. Maybe I’d feel differently if I owned the house, but it’s unlikely the owners will ever know. Thanks to the internet it’s easy for poachers to find out which houses are occupied and which aren’t, and they only stay a few hours.

In this case it was two girls, probably in their early twenties. Maybe they were even younger, skipping school for the day to go to the beach. As they were getting out of their car we left to get lunch on the other end of the island. When we came back they’d changed into bikinis, or maybe they’d been wearing them under their clothes, and were stretched out on towels on the sand like a couple of well-oiled slugs. One of them kept getting up to shake her hair back and take selfies.

“She looks pregnant,” said my wife.

Squinting I could see that she wasn’t exactly fat but seemed to have a slightly swollen belly. I decided it would be inappropriate to check with the binoculars and just took my wife’s word for it and turned my attention back to my book.

They’d taken a couple of chairs off the deck. When they left they left the chairs. This irked me because I’d gotten very used to a particular view down the beach, one that was unobstructed all the way to a large twisted piece of driftwood that looked, from my angle, like a bird about to take flight. I’d walked down to that driftwood several times and found it was sunk deeply in the sand, which was why it had been there last year too.

widowswalk3I can’t say I was entirely annoyed, though, because I decided to go over and put the chairs back. This would be my excuse to see the house next door up close and, more importantly, to check out its widow’s walk. These are exterior stairwells that lead to upper decks, sometimes on the roof of the house. Several houses that are far enough away from the beach that there are houses built between them and the ocean have roof decks. I guess this is so the owners can guarantee an unobstructed ocean view. The house next door, like ours, was close to the water so I’m not sure why it needed a roof deck, but I was curious about the view. It was slightly disappointing. It was the same view we had from our deck, only higher. Still the chance to get up close and have a slightly different perspective was enough to make me feel some sympathy for the girls. I even made up a short story about them.

It was April’s birthday. She knew Chelsea was upset about Kevin breaking up with her because of the baby. Chelsea thought Kevin would marry her. April knew better than to say anything. She used her birthday as an excuse to get Chelsea to skip school and drive down to the beach. They lay in the sand and browned. Chelsea said once they graduated they should get an apartment together and go to the beach every weekend. April knew it wouldn’t work out like that. Chelsea was content to keep working in the salon with her mother, but April wanted to get out of Mobile, maybe even out of Alabama. She wanted something else, but she wasn’t sure what.

It’s simple and borders on sentimental cliché, but it’s also sad because I wanted to imagine them with some depth. I wanted to keep it realistic, to give some thought to what they might be like as real people, to avoid dismissing them as just a couple of kids who were too cheap to pay for public beach access, or who wanted to stretch out and tan away from the hoi polloi. They’d given me an excuse to take a slightly different view, and I felt grateful for that. I felt grateful even after I found they’d left their beer cans and cigarettes in the sand. I picked those up and put them in the garbage can under the house. From there I looked out and had an unobstructed view. From this angle that driftwood was a little closer, but still looked like a bird about to take flight.

driftwood

Light ‘Em Up.

I’d always assumed lightning bugs–also known as “fireflies” by the utterly pretentious–could be found in Britain as well as the United States. There are legends there of the will-o’-the-wisp that would lure unwary travelers into bogs and drown them, although that was probably swamp gas. And there are glow-worms. There’s a glow-worm in Roald Dahl’s James And The Giant Peach. She’s a pretty minor character and I think Dahl forgot about her once most of the action moved to the top of the peach, but it’s not as though bioluminescent insects are unknown on the other side of the pond. So it kind of threw me when, as we were walking up the driveway to the house where I was staying, my British friend stopped and said, “Chris…why are there little lights all over your yard?”

We’d had a few drinks and he wondered if I’d slipped something in his beer while he wasn’t looking. In retrospect I wish I’d strung him along a little bit and asked, “What? What the hell are you talking about?” Instead I reached down and scooped up a lightning bug. And it was a good opportunity to tell him about the time when I was a kid and filled a jar with lightning bugs then turned them loose in the house. My parents spent half the night catching them. Then when they finally went to bed they lay there in the dark and could see the occasional flash.

This was in Indiana where a bill to make the lightning bug the state insect. It never went anywhere. Regardless of your political views how can you not embrace that? There’s a U-Haul trailer design of a giant lightning bug that specifically says “Indiana”.

Maybe it’s because they’re sneaky. I set a camera out one night when there seemed to be hundreds of them out. No matter where I put it they seemed to say, “Okay, we’re being watched. Let’s move over there!”

 

I’m Writing Like A Chicken With Its Head Cut Off.

“I didn’t even know what salmonella was. Until I was twenty years old I thought it was some guy who used to run around and dip his ass in mayonnaise products.”

Dom Irrera

I’ve mentioned before that my wife and I feed our dogs raw food, which is called, appropriately enough, the Bones And Raw Food or BARF diet. It’s supposed to approximate what dogs would eat in the wild, minus the hair, parasites, and fights over who gets the head, which some of my Southern family members have assured me is the tastiest part of the squirrel, but that’s another story.

Providing this diet means every few weeks I grind up a hundred and twenty pounds or so of raw chicken, usually in the form of chicken necks.

necks

It’s not as bad as it sounds.

Raw chicken necks also occasionally come with the head still attached, which is all part of the fun. I run the necks—minus the heads, which I’m pretty sure aren’t that tasty anyway—through a meat grinder. And I’m careful because raw chicken can carry salmonella.

chamber

My chicken chamber of horrors.

Accidents can still happen, though. I’ve heard cases of cooks getting sick from a little squirt of chicken liquid while they were chopping one up for the fryer. And there was a possible outbreak of salmonella over at Crankoutloud that confirmed that it’s not a lot of fun.

Because we buy chicken necks in bulk, sometimes directly from a distributor, I sometimes get them frozen in a block of ice. This means I end up with coolers full of watery chicken blood. I’ve found safe ways to dispose of this. I used to dump it in the front yard, thinking it would be good fertilizer, but I got into trouble when the photographer across the street, the one who’s been stuck at home since he broke his leg, saw me dumping blood while my wife was out of town.

I hope you don't need this to underline the punchline for you.  Source: IMDB

I hope you don’t need this to underline the punchline for you.
Source: IMDB

The last time I ground chicken necks I went out to dinner afterwards, and I imagined coming down with salmonella. This might lead to an investigation of the restaurant. I can see the headline.

headline

Then there’d be an investigation of me and they’d find the freezer full of ground up raw chicken. I can see the headline.

headline2

 

You Can’t Get There From Here.

001Why is the sidewalk closed? Why do I have to go at least a block out of my way and cross in the middle of the street just to get to the bus stop? All this is because construction is going on. And may be going on for an unknown length of time. The bus may even be rerouted, and they won’t advertise that. You just might be sitting at a stop for a very long time.

I get that urban renewal and new construction has to go on. It’s a fact of life living in a city. It just irks me that it’s the pedestrians are the ones who get hit. The construction would go a lot faster if they had to shut down the street.

trench