Latest Posts

Going Local.

Author: January 21, 2016 22 Comments

chickenGoing to KFC for Nashville Hot Chicken is like going to McDonald’s for Japanese sushi. That’s the first thought that came to me when I saw KFC’s new offering and then I wondered if “Japanese sushi” were redundant. Aside from the difference in certain ingredients what differentiates sushi in Japan from the sushi I get here in Nashville?

If the recipe’s the same would it still be Nashville (Tennessee) hot chicken if it were made in Nashville (Indiana)? It’s not like KFC—formerly Kentucky Fried Chicken—is really from Kentucky, at least not anymore.

Nashville hot chicken, by the way, is spicy fried chicken that, I think, really started to come to prominence with the 2007 start of an annual festival, although it also got a mention in 2002 on Dave Attell’s show Insomniac. He stopped and got some of the very hottest chicken at Prince’s Hot Chicken Shack–where hot chicken is generally believed to have been invented–and sweated through several bites.

And that got me thinking about the fact that I can stand in my backyard and throw stones and hit restaurants that describe themselves as Thai, Vietnamese, Indian, Mexican, Chinese, and Korean. Although I wouldn’t do that. If I’m going to stand in my backyard and throw stones I’m going to throw them at the squirrels and chipmunks that insist on chewing up the wiring under our cars, but that’s another story.

It’s amazing to me that I live in a neighborhood—and that, for that matter—we live in a world—where such a wide variety of cuisines are available. I love being able to go just down the street for some pho, although it frustrates me that they won’t let me order the jellyfish salad. Admittedly I understand. The waiters don’t know I’m an adventurous eater and that even though I’ve never tried jellyfish salad and can’t say whether I’ll like it I’m willing to give it a try. But I’ve been in restaurants and seen somebody of my particular ethnic group order something exotic only to start yelling, “Yuck, I can’t eat this! Take it back!”

I’m sorry to say that’s a true story. And it’s why I don’t blame the waiters when they look at me and tell me, “No, you don’t want the jellyfish salad” and bring me chicken with lemongrass instead.

This also brings to mind another pet obsession of mine: eating locally. I’m not a locavore, but as much as possible I stay away from chain restaurants. When I visit friends in other cities I sometimes drive them nuts. “Let’s go to [GENERIC CHAIN]!” they’ll say, and if you’ve ever heard anyone speak in brackets you know how disconcerting it can be. And I’ll say, “No, no, no, let’s do something local!” When I’m in an unfamiliar place I don’t want familiar food. If I could get the same thing at home what’s the point of traveling?

And yet travel is a luxury that’s not available to everyone, nor is it possible for most of us to go everywhere we’d like to go. As much as I would like to I’ll probably never get to visit Sri Lanka, but a Sri Lankan restaurant is one way to experience the culture. Or is it? Is a Sri Lankan restaurant in the middle of a US city an authentic representation of the culture? And given the increasing interconnectedness of the world and the ease of travel it’s hard to say what authentic culture really is. Going to and from work every day I travel farther than most of our ancestors would in their lifetimes. Being able to share so much with the rest of the world is a wonderful thing but I also wonder what’s being lost. Should some things be kept strictly local?

Alternative title for this post: "This is a local blog for local people! There's nothing for you here!" (Source: BBC)

Alternative title for this post: “This is a local blog for local people! There’s nothing for you here!”
(Source: BBC)

Ramble With Me.

The Envelope Please…

Author: January 19, 2016 6 Comments

theater

[The theater lights are dim. Searchlights wander over the stage curtains. There’s a great fanfare.]

ANNOUNCER

Live from beautiful downtown Cucamonga it’s…the seventh annual Menties! Celebrating the very best in comments from all over the web. And now here are your hosts Ed and Claire!

[A screen at the back of the stage covered with overlapping pages of various blogs lights up. The forward lights then illuminate the front of the stage as Ed and Claire come out from opposite sides of the stage.]

ED and CLAIRE (singing)

Hey, what do have to say?

Drop a comment in the box below!

We want to know what you have to say

Even if the post is from a year ago!

 

We want your thoughts.

Do we have to give you a bribe?

Please add to our hits,

And whatever you do please subscribe!

 

We love to get your feedback,

It feeds our bodies and souls,

It keeps us on track

To see comments stack,

Whether positive or flack,

But please whatever you do,

No matter what they say to you,

Especially if the account is new,

Don’t feed the trolls!!!

[Scattered applause.]

ED

Boy, that was a great opening number, wasn’t it Claire?

CLAIRE

Do you really want to know or are you just fishing for compliments?

[They both laugh.]

CLAIRE

Welcome once again to the annual Menties, celebrating the very best—

ED

And worst!

CLAIRE

That the internet has to offer. So, Ed, where should we begin?

ED

Where else but at the beginning? Let’s start with the award for the very first comment. Dated January 1, 2015 with a time stamp of 00.00.00.001—that’s right, folks, one millisecond into the new year—it’s this comment from user jcope998 on the blog This’ll Fixit.

[“This is very helpful. Thanks.” appears on the screen behind Ed and Claire.]

ED

Wow. That’s so moving. I’m so glad jcope998 was able to get help.

CLAIRE

Even more impressive, Ed, is that the user was coming back from a trip to Australia and had just passed over the International Date Line.

ED

A little down-under action, eh?

CLAIRE

Let’s not go there Ed. Unfortunately jcope998 couldn’t be here to accept the award in person, but did send this message.

[Reading] “I’m honored, I guess? Is this really a thing?”

ED

Wonderful. Now, moving on—

[The lights and screen go dark. Lightning flashes across the screen. Thunder peals through the theater. The lights come back on. A giant stone bridge now hangs over the stage. Ed rides out on a miniature train. As he approaches center stage it falls over.]

ED

It looks like I’ve been derailed. What time is it now? Oh, I’m under a bridge. That can mean only one thing…it’s time to give the award for this year’s best troll. And while the competition was fierce the award goes to…Kevin Jelkins for starting arguments on no less than three-thousand blogs. Come on up and accept your award, Kevin!

[Scattered applause as a husky man with a blonde mullet and a prominent bald spot wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt that says “Sex Machine” comes up to the stage. Claire comes out and hands him the award, a collection of multi-colored threads loosely woven into a rainbow embedded in a clear plastic block.]

KEVIN

Uh, I’m not Kevin. I’m, uh, here taking this for him since he couldn’t be here. So I’d like to thank him for letting me do that. And you all suck. This is just like when Tamerlane first came to power and the—

[Music begins playing. Claire quietly thanks Kevin and directs him off the stage. Kevin doesn’t move.]

KEVIN [Shouting]

The first thing Tamerlane did was register crossbows! And he took away peoples’ carriages! This is just like what the big government data collection is doing to us, people! Wake up! You all suck!

[Two security guards come on stage and drag Kevin off.]

KEVIN

CUCUCMBERS ARE TOO A FRUIT!

[Scattered applause. Stagehands roll the bridge off to the right. Quick cut to the audience. Everyone’s looking at phones or tablets.]

ED

Well, that was really something, just like me. Right, Claire?

CLAIRE

Don’t make me remind you about the restraining order, Ed. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the time of the evening you’ve all been waiting patiently for.

ED

Yes, every year there’s one special comment that really stands out, the Comment Of The Year. And the winner is…

[He tears open the envelope and shows it to Claire.]

CLAIRE

Still loading! Available bandwidth exceeded! Thank you, and goodnight everybody!

[An instrumental version of the opening song begins to play. The curtain falls.]

Not Non-Fiction

Unreserved.

Author: January 18, 2016 4 Comments

IMG_2979These plaques were installed in Nashville buses following the death of Rosa Parks in 2005. They weren’t installed in every bus, just some, so you never know when you’re going to see them. It seems to me like a metaphor for what happened to Rosa Parks. The woman who asked her to move didn’t expect to be told “No.”
The story that was taught us in school was that Rosa Parks was physically exhausted, too tired to move. It’s more profound, I think, if she was able to move but mentally exhausted, tired of being told to move by people who were unwilling to take perfectly good seats farther back on the bus. It takes more courage to remain, to take a stand, when you’re capable of moving.
It was an important moment in the civil rights movement, a movement created and led by people who could have moved but instead had the courage to stay seated.

IMG_2981

Adventures In Busing.

He Licked The Big C.

Author: January 16, 2016 6 Comments

schimmel

In the late 1990‘s, when the web was still a novelty, long before YouTube, there was a website, khaha.com. It’s defunct now. It played continuous streaming comedy, mostly standup bits from every comedian you’ve ever heard of and quite a few you’ve never heard of. Doing some mindless task I’d sit and revel in the jokes. One voice stood out. Did he just say what I think he said? This is the filthiest thing I’ve ever heard. And then I started laughing. And I started listening for the sharp-tongued sarcasm of Robert Schimmel, whose birthday is today.

Unlike other X-rated comedians Schimmel often made himself the butt of the joke–sometimes literally. He told a joke about a woman suggesting he try anal beads. He balked at first but then thought, who’s gonna know? Beat. “So I’m in the emergency room…”

He also sometimes went too far. As he told an audience he’d been banned from a late night talk show after telling a joke about the time his dentist said, “You’re gonna feel a little prick in your mouth…”

And he wasn’t always dirty either. He applied that same intense wit to everyday situations, like his daughter’s pet rabbit.

I got her a rabbit like Easter time and about three days later it’s actin’ real sick and it’s just layin’ around and my wife goes, Gee, maybe we should take him to the vet. I said, Yeah, why don’t you just let me take him for a drive? I’m not gonna take a five dollar rabbit to the vet.

Beat. “So we’re at the vet…”

It didn’t surprise me that Schimmel was recognized as a major new talent. He got an HBO special and a sitcom deal.

And then came cancer. Specifically non-Hodgkins lymphoma. In his book Cancer On $5 A Day* (*chemo not included) he describes getting the diagnosis.

“Just my luck,” I say. “I get the one not named after the guy.”

He has a show that night. He then goes on,

I realize instinctively that even though I’ve been told I have cancer, I haven’t been told that I’m going to die. And to prove it, I’m going to do the one and only thing that shows that I am very much alive.

I am going to make the audience laugh.

The original title of his book, by the way, was I Licked The Big C. When he was in remission he went on a late night talk show. He opened with, “I licked the big C!” When the audience’s cheers and applause died down he added, “And I beat cancer!”

The joke wasn’t just cut by the producers. They stopped taping and took him backstage for a little chat.

When I got my own cancer diagnosis I thought of Schimmel. His doctor told him, “If you can keep your sense of humor you’re going to be okay.” I’d read his book years earlier and I didn’t just remember the jokes. I also remembered how honest he was about the trauma of chemotherapy, and a conversation he had at his lowest point with his father. His parents survived the Holocaust, and the conversation saved his life.

I have mixed feelings about sharing this because even though Schimmel beat cancer, even though he went on to make jokes about how he celebrated remission by swimming with dolphins and was told not to stick anything in the blowhole–”What’d I spend fifty bucks on then?”–he died in September 2010 following a car wreck.

But four years later I knew if I could keep my sense of humor I could lick the big C.

Hail and farewell Robert Schimmel. And happy birthday.

 

Hail & Farewell., Happy Birthday.

It’s All Been Done Before.

Author: January 16, 2016 9 Comments

IMG_3155When I was a kid I drew a lot of strange things. At least adults found them strange. I have a very clear memory of one of my preschool teachers telling my mother, “He draws such unusual things.” What I’d drawn was a bunch of stone faces rolling down a mountain. What’s funny is I drew that after seeing a picture of Mount Rushmore. It was just my way of reimagining what I’d seen, because I had no clue what it was or what it meant. I doubt my teacher would have found it that unusual if I’d just drawn Mount Rushmore. About that same time I drew a picture of a bunch of people in a boat in a cave. They were all holding candles. A woman looked at it and told me, “You’re so creative. When I was a little girl I never knew what to draw. You draw such original things.” And I felt guilty. The picture was inspired by my first trip to Disneyworld and the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride. I’d just stripped away all the pirates because I couldn’t draw them and made the cave dark and given everybody candles because, well, it was dark in the cave.

I felt guilty because it wasn’t really original. And I’d spend literally most of my life studying art and art history before I’d realize that there really is no such thing as originality. Everything is a blend of everything else.

The breakthrough would come when I read Milan Kundera’s novel Immortality. In one part he describes art history as a clock. The clock strikes midnight when Jackson Pollock creates action painting, removing the direct contact between brush and canvas that’s been the basis of art since the first cave paintings. It’s the end of originality, the end of art as a progression. It bothered me to think we were living in a post-midnight world, that anything that came after the early 1950’s was merely a repeat of what had come before. Art history was finished, defunct, washed up, in the red, kaput.

Then I realized that’s kind of like saying history itself ended with World War II. History, and art, march on.

If you’re wondering what any of this has to do with the graffiti above it’s this: most graffiti I see is abstract. It’s usually a name or a word. This particular work sticks out because it’s a picture of something. And it cracks me up because it’s a narwhal cyclops with, um, wings on its head—a mashup of a few different things.

It’s unusual but it’s not original. And that doesn’t matter. It’s art and that makes it part of art history.

IMG_3156

American Graffiti.

You Also Get Coupons With It.

Author: January 15, 2016 8 Comments

couponing2“Okay, that’ll be five seventy-three.”

“The sign says they’re two for four dollars.”

“Oh, that’s with the card. See?”

“Wow, that is really small. I thought a bug did that.”

“If you’ll just let me have your card I can give you the discount.”

“Well, I don’t have a card. How do I get one?”

“Really easy. Just fill out this form.”

“Okay, I don’t know my maternal grandmother’s maiden name. Jeez, I’m not even sure where she’s buried. “

“Oh, you can just make something up for that.”

“And the address of where I went to kindergarten?”

“Sure.”

“What if I don’t want to give out my phone number?”

“Oh, no, I definitely need that so I can text you the activation code. Why don’t you step aside so I can check out these other people?”

“Sure.”

“Almost done?”

“I thought so but pages six and seven were stuck together. I’ve put down my signature. Why do they need a credit card number if it’s just for discounts and stuff?”

“I don’t know, sir, that’s just company policy.”

“Okay. Why does it matter if I’ve been overseas in the last twenty years?”

“Once that’s done I’ll put it in the system and send you the activation code. You can also click the link and that’ll speed up the processing.”

“And then I’ll get the discount?”

“Yeah, once your card is activated. That usually takes seven to ten days.”

“But if the processing is sped up…”

“Yeah, if you don’t use the link it takes four to six weeks.”

“You know what? Forget it. I don’t want the bottled water anymore.”

“But you’re almost finished! Look, you’ve filled in everything up to page nine.”

“Yeah, all right. What’s this ‘FP’?”

“Fingerprints. That’s what those ten boxes are for.”

“Do I need ink or something?”

“No, check this out. It’s really cool. Just press your finger in the box. See? It leaves a mark.”

“Is it supposed to burn?”

“Give me just a sec to check these other people out.”

“What’s this little plastic disk?”

“Press your finger on it.”

“My fingers are still burning.”

“Just press your finger down on the disk.”

“Ouch!”

“That’s for the blood sample. And it looks like you’re all done!”

“My finger is starting to swell.”

“Oh, we’ve got an ointment for that that you can buy on aisle twelve.”

“How much is it?”

“Twelve dollars. With the card.”

wakeup

Not Non-Fiction, The Weekly Essay

Pause.

Author: January 14, 2016 10 Comments

Great acting is not becoming another character. It’s using your unique gifts and putting yourself into a character to give words on a page, an imagined situation, real life and depth. Alan Rickman was an actor who embodied that. Whether the role was drama or deadpan comedy, which he did so well, it was what he brought to it that made it special.

Hail and farewell.

Hail & Farewell.

Pop Quiz.

Author: January 13, 2016 8 Comments

musicYou have one hour to finish the test. If you feel you need more time you have thirty minutes to finish the test.

 

 

  1. Why do fools fall in love?
    a. Love is tricky
    b It makes the floor slippery
    c. Ask all my exes
    d. THEY’RE FOOLS!
  2. What’s love got to do with it?
    a. Everything
    b. Nothing
    c. It makes the world go ’round
    d. Ask a fool
  3. Who’s that girl?
    a. Madonna
    b. Sean Penn
    c. Is this a trick question?
    d. Marlo Thomas
  4. Who let the dogs out?
    a. What dogs?
    b. They did it themselves. They’re very smart.
    c. My housesitter! That’s it. He’s fired.
    d. Say that again and I will cut you.
  5. Where have all the flowers gone?
    a. They died. Should’ve planted perennials.
    b. Young girls have picked them every one. Fools.
    c. It’s now a parking lot.
    d. They got a new job and moved to Poughkeepsie.
  6. What’s the frequency Kenneth?
    a. 4.68 megaherz with a repeating cycle
    b. About every four minutes
    c. Pre-set on my car radio
    d. For the last time my name is Kevin.
  7. Who are you?
    a. Who is anyone?
    b. Anyone you want me to be.
    c. Knock knock. Wait, what?
    d. Do you really want to know?
  8. Do you know the way to San Jose?
    a. Yes
    b. No
    c. It’s a long way to Tipperary.
    d. No, but I’ll check my GPS
  9. How can you mend a broken heart?
    a. Time wounds all heels.
    b. With new Monster Glue(TM)!
    c. Try a little tenderness.
    d. You can’t, fool!
  10. What becomes of the brokenhearted?
    a. They move on.
    b. They binge on tequila and ice cream
    c. Medication helps
    d. Only farted
  11. Why don’t we do it in the road?
    a. Sure
    b. It’s rush hour.
    c. Um, we can afford a hotel.
    d. At least take me to dinner and a movie first.
  12. Who’ll stop the rain?
    a. Me. I’ve got an umbrella.
    b. The weathermen.
    c. The climate
    d. We’re in the middle of a drought! What’s wrong with you?
  13. What’s so funny ’bout peace love and understanding?
    a. Nothing
    b. Everything
    c. You’re so cute.
    d. The desperate shortage of all three.
  14. Have you ever loved a woman?
    a. Yes
    b. No
    c. That’s a rather personal question.
    d. Define “loved”.
  15. Are you lonesome tonight?
    a. No
    b. I wouldn’t be if you hadn’t stood me up.
    c. I’ve got tequila and ice cream to keep me company.
    d. No, I’m Kevin. Lonesome Tonight couldn’t make it.
  16. Who wrote the book of love?
    a. It was a collaboration.
    b. Be more specific.
    c. I’ll take “Sounds like Shakespeare” for $500, Alex!
    d. Who’s on first.
  17. Will you still love me tomorrow?
    a. I guess so.
    b. Let me sleep on it.
    c. Tomorrow’s just another day.
    d. Let me get you another drink.
  18. Should I stay or should I go?
    a. Stay
    b. Go
    c. We’ve gotta get out of this place.
    d. Who invited you?
  19. Wouldn’t it be nice?
    a. If you’re into that sort of thing.
    b. I’ve tried it. It was overrated.
    c. Tomorrow’s just another day.
    d. Define “it”.
  20. What’s new pussycat?
    a. My hair. You didn’t even notice!
    b. The fact that you’re calling me pussycat.
    c. Whoa-oh-oh!
    d. Everything under the sun.

Extra credit:

How long to the point of no return?

a. Two miles

b. Three blocks that way, then turn left.

c. About thirty years behind us.

d. If train A leaves Chicago going 75mph and train B leaves Poughkeepsie going 80mph and train B overtakes train A in Des Moines what is the capitol of Nebraska?

answerkey

Pop Quiz

Want An Axe To Break The Ice, Wanna Come Down Right Now.

Author: January 11, 2016 11 Comments

It’s hard to imagine a world without Major Tom or Ziggy Stardust. Hail and farewell David Bowie.

Check out this short appreciation of Bowie by Mark Dery, author of All the Young Dudes: Why Glam Rock Matters, who says,

We live in an age where no one is ugly, an article of P.C. faith whose corollary is, of course, that no one is beautiful, but like Wilde I believe devoutly that beauty, and certainly style, can be their own profundity.

Hail & Farewell.

We Need To Walk.

Author: January 11, 2016 10 Comments

IMG_3138Recently Nashville’s Channel 2 News did a story about pedestrians. More than one-hundred and twenty pedestrians and bicyclists were killed in 2015. I didn’t get interviewed for the story even though I’m an amateur professional expert on local transportation and they filmed it right in front of the building where I work. I think I was too busy working. I can relate to a lot of what the interviewees said. At least once a week while I’m waiting to cross the street a car in the lane closest to me will come to a screeching halt and the driver will give me that condescending little hand wave, oblivious to the fact that there are cars speeding by in the other two lanes. And then the driver will get impatient, give me the not-so-condescending finger, and peel out, leaving me to wait until I have the right of way. Or when a delivery truck is parked right in front of my building, blocking the view of the other two lanes, I’ll just go the long way around–through a parking lot where I have to dodge drivers who don’t bother to look when they pull out. A few blocks away there’s an intersection with a traffic light where a friend of mine was hit by a driver who didn’t think the red light applied to him. My friend survived but the accident caused some memory loss, so some of us put together a care package that included a DVD of Total Recall, but that’s another story.

And I know that a guaranteed way to start a fight on the internet is to post any story about a pedestrian or bicyclist being hit or almost hit by a car with people in the comments section quickly veering off-topic to compare each other to Tamerlane, sniping about who believes the Earth is only forty-two years old and banana-shaped, and resorting to everything from cogito in absentia attacks to tin man fallacies.

With that in mind I’m going to take a firmly ambivalent stand in favor of the drivers because I’ve seen some fellow pedestrians do some really stupid things. I’ve seen people step off the sidewalk and stare down oncoming traffic and run out in the middle of the street mid-block. I know Nashville is not pedestrian-friendly. It’s not like New York City where having a license and car is more of a burden than a convenience. When I didn’t have a license people regarded me with suspicion and assumed I must have had one at one time and got it taken away for doing Dukes of Hazard-type stunts in a stolen minivan. And in spite of the addition of bicycle lanes and even bicycles you can rent most of the city isn’t really bike-friendly. The buses have bike-racks that only hold one bicycle at a time because the idea that more than one cyclist would need to take a bus at any time is almost as ludicrous as the addition of bike lanes because all the bicyclists I see use the sidewalks. I love it when I’m walking along and they come up behind me and scream at me to get out of their way.

Hey, the roads and sidewalks are there for all of us and we all have to use them responsibly. Now let the comments section fight commence.

IMG_3127

 

Adventures In Busing.