It’s a conspiracy!

October 31, 1997

So I was walking across campus and saw this poster: "During the last three major earthquakes in North America, the space shuttle has been in orbit. Could the government be testing a dangerous new weapon? And I know more." Yeah, right. So I walked on, and saw this: "The rate of suicide among high-ranking CIA officials is 33.4 times that of the rest of the population. And I know more." My reaction? I think this guy NEEDS to know Prozac. Then this: "A certain brand of hard candy leaves a semi-metallic residue in your teeth that government agents can use to track your movements anywhere. And I know more." That’s it. I can only take so much before I have to say something. I’m an open-minded skeptic–I won’t dismiss the possibilities, but I like to have a little proof behind my conspiracy theories. Why? Because if I went on as little proof as Mr. "I Know More" probably does, I’d go completely insane. Consider this: All over the city, wrecking crews are tearing down historic buildings, restaurants, offices, and parking lots to build more parking lots. Soon there will be parking everywhere and nowhere to go. Hmm… And what about all those unanswered questions like: Who shot JFK? Does the government have proof of intelligent life in Cleveland? Why have I stopped mentioning Sri Lanka? Where have all my post-it notes gone? And is all this paranoia really part of a major conspiracy? Ah–there’s something to make you stop and think. Do I know more? Well…that’s for me to know and you to find out.


This is a list of actual (reportedly) English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

  1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

  2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

  3. Gun wounds again?

  4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

  5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

  6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

  7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

  8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

  9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

  10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

  11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

  12. You daring lousy guy.

  13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

  14. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

  15. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

  16. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

  17. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

  18. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the floor.

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