, 1997
Folks, tomorrow is the American Thanksgiving, which means I won’t be here Friday. In fact, most of you, with a few exceptions, won’t be here Friday–wherever here happens to be. There are, however, those Canadians out there who celebrated their Thanksgiving back in October. When I think about it, having it that early in the winter makes a lot more sense–especially down here where the October weather is still nice enough that no one would have an excuse for not getting out and exercising off a few of those holiday pounds. Hmm, maybe that’s why we have it so late. Or maybe the real reason our Thanksgiving comes a little less than a month before Christmas is so we can get that extra boost of energy for holiday shopping. With the cookies, cakes, fudge, and other healthy foods going around as Christmas approaches, though, that seems like a really lame excuse. Maybe the real reason is because America’s real motto is the same as my own: Everything in excess is bad for you, and that includes moderation. Enjoy the following excessive offerings, and Happy Thanksgiving no matter when you celebrate it.
How to Prepare a Thanksgiving Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Have a GREAT Thanksgiving everyone.
I went to McDonald’s yesterday and said, "I’d like some fries." The kid at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" – Jay Leno
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it. – Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. – Red Buttons
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. – Stephen Leacock
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window. – Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. – George Carlin
I would live to speak a foreign language but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. – Sue Kolinsky
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough. – Pearl Williams
I’m desparately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Dave Edison
Never moon a werewolf. – Mike Binder
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I’m sorry", replied the bartender, "it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It’s very simple. You’re two tents."
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." " Well," says the dentist, "that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
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