His And Hirsute

July 6, 2001

I have longer than average hair, so every once in a while when I go to the restroom in a bar, restaurant, or other public place, some moron whose breath is so saturated with alcohol that it could be compressed and used as rocket fuel will stop me and say, "Hey, aren’t you in the wrong restroom?" I’ve tried to avoid this problem by always using one of the wall urinals.

I don’t want to get graphic, but you women know that you don’t usually stand, which is why your restrooms (based on what I’ve been told) don’t have wall urinals. I still get the same question. I have no idea how to deal with this. I’ve thought about growing a beard, but this presents a lot of problems of its own. When I was five, I asked my mother if I could grow a beard. She said, "Go right ahead." It didn’t take me long to figure out that I couldn’t. More than two decades later, I still can’t. If I tried, I’d have five or six whiskers that would grow, and the rest would sprout and not grow anymore. In other words, I’d soon look like I’d joined the Hair Club for Catfish.

Some guys have no trouble growing beards. I had a roommate in college who could go to the bathroom down the hall, shave, and by the time he got back to room he’d have a five o’clock shadow. Why do they call it a five o’clock shadow, anyway? It’s probably because that’s when guys get off from work, but that’s a boring explanation. Someone should fund a research project to define what exactly a five o’clock shadow is. Is that five o’clock in the summer or winter? And does Daylight Savings Time come into it? If so, what do guys in Indiana have? If a light growth is a five o’clock shadow, is a full beard midnight? If a guy is trying to grow a beard and someone asks him how it’s progressing, could he say something like, "It’s about a quarter to seven"? Why is it called a shadow, anyway? Maybe it’s because saying "a light dusting" sounds like something you get in a powder room, and guys don’t go to the powder room. But speaking of powder rooms, the next time some idiot asks me if I’m in the wrong restroom, I think I’ll say, "No, but I think you are."

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Various words of wisdom:

The teacher wrote "Like I ain’t had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "Timmy, how should I correct that?" Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend?"

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

Our policy is to always blame the computer.

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

Take my advice. I’m not using it!

Mom, I’ll always love you, but I’ll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

My kid was inmate of the month at the County Jail (This reminds me of a sign I once saw in front of a church: "Teach obedience in the play pen, not in the state pen."–CW)

Honk If Anything Falls Off

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To Do!

Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. – Dorothy.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat, I’m cheap, fast, and easy.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count those who can’t.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me..

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing..

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

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